bed, snuggling with her long enough to get myself together. I hadn’t been prepared to spend my evening with Alexis, but I was even less prepared for how nice it was.
Too nice.
It felt like something I could get used to, and that’s dangerous.
When she came outside in that red bikini top, my dick went crazy. And when we collided in the water, her body pressed against mine, I almost lost sight of the fact that Sienna was there and kissed her.
I’m starting to lose this battle with staying away. I don’t want to anymore.
When Sienna’s eyes flutter closed, I kiss her forehead and walk back downstairs.
The feeling of relief that Alexis is still there should be my first sign to avoid her for the rest of the night. But when did I ever make good decisions where women were involved?
I sit back in my spot on the couch, Alexis on the other end.
‘She go down okay?’ she asks.
I look over at her. She’s so beautiful, sitting there in pajamas, hair in a bun on top of her head, no makeup.
‘Didn’t take much for her to settle down. The sun and water always does her in pretty good.’
‘I’m glad she had a good day.’
I look over at Alexis. Fuck it, I’m gonna say it. ‘I did too.’
She smiles a genuine, happy smile and says, ‘Same here.’
Stupid! This is stupid. You’re being stupid!
But I don’t care right now. I can’t bring myself to leave and go to my room, even if I know it’s safer.
‘So, um, about what happened earlier…’ she starts.
Oh, crap. Is she going to call me out on putting my hands on her like that?
‘Yes?’ I question.
‘You said you wanted to revisit the topic of, um, Sienna’s mom.’
Oh, that. I did say I wanted to do that.
‘Oh, right.’ I adjust myself on the couch. ‘What exactly did she say about her mother?’
My body tenses up at the thought of Angie. At first, she said it was just to get away for a while, six months tops. She would occasionally text to check-in and ask for pictures of Sienna. Last summer was our last point of contact after the divorce was final, and I haven’t heard from her since. She said she realized what kind of life she wanted, and being stuck at home with no freedom wasn’t it.
I didn’t even fight her. I was happy about it. It felt good to just rid her of our life and never have to think of her again. I could have pointed out that getting a job of her own and sending Sienna to daycare could also get her out of the house without abandoning her child, but I wasn’t about to beg her to love Sienna. That should come naturally.
‘Oh, nothing much. She just said her mom left when she was young. It kind of broke my heart because I could see the sadness in her face.’
Well, fuck. I’ve tried to ease into the conversations and create open dialogue like my therapist advised, but I can tell she’s trying to be brave for me. I know she can sense my worry for her and always manages to put on a good front where her mother is concerned.
‘I’m sorry I never brought it up. I should have prepared you,’ I tell her.
‘It’s alright. The interview and start date were a little rushed. We did the best we could. Plus, I did a good job deflecting the conversation.’
I smile. ‘I’m sure you did. I guess you want to know why she left, huh?’
‘Only if you want to share it with me.’
She’s so easygoing, but I still wasn’t expecting her to let me off the hook so easily. I don’t feel pressured to do or say anything with her.
‘Well, my ex, Angie, left for California two years ago. She said she just needed to get away and think. Eventually, she decided motherhood wasn’t for her and filed for divorce. Told me I could keep Sienna full-time.’
‘She just gave up motherhood like that?’ she asks, snapping her fingers for emphasis. ‘No better reason than it wasn’t for her?’ Alexis sounds shocked.
The disgust in her voice makes me feel validated. I’m glad I’m not the only person, besides my own family, who finds her decision so repulsive. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not being supportive enough of postpartum depression and what it can lead to. But then I think about all the warning signs from the beginning of my relationship. Everything she did or said exudes selfishness.
‘Yeah. And listen, I don’t mind being a single parent to Sienna. I love her, she’s my world… I just worry about what it will do to her growing up. Will she think it’s her fault or always wonder why her own mother didn’t want her?’
I’m shocked by the words coming out of me. Aside from my therapist, I’ve never spoken about this to anyone, not even my siblings. And the only reason I talked to a therapist about it was for the sake of knowing I’m saying the right things to Sienna. Otherwise, I keep these fears of mine locked up.
‘Seems like reasonable things to worry about. It’s not the exact same scenario, but I can say from my own experience that you definitely don’t come out of these things unscathed. It does make you stronger, though, and I think her having a father who cares like you do will go a long way in her confidence in herself.’
‘Thanks for saying that.’ I do appreciate her honesty, but I’m stuck on her comment about speaking from experience. ‘What happened to you growing up? Did you have an absent mother?’
She blows out a breath. ‘Yes and no. My parent’s got divorced when I was young. I was shipped back and forth between the two households. They both got remarried and were distracted with their new families. Don’t get me wrong, I love my siblings, but I always felt like the misfit in the family. I was never paid much attention to, and it made me feel like I was just a reminder to each parent that they still had a connection to their ex.’
Fuck that.
I hate thinking of Alexis growing up in that kind of environment. It makes me weirdly angry at her parents for making her feel that way.
What kind of parents do that?
Make their child feel like they are not wanted, or worse, like they wish they didn’t exist?
‘Wow. I’m sorry that was your experience. That isn’t fair. Why can’t people who have kids learn to grow up and realize it’s not all about them anymore? Their words and actions have a real impact on the kids they raise.’
Alexis laughs a bitter laugh that I’m not a fan of hearing from her. ‘I guess parents are just flawed human beings. That’s the excuse that’s always given, right?’
‘That’s a cop-out. It’s total bullshit. Angie might be a human, but she’s a selfish one, and at the end of the day, there’s no excuse for abandoning her child.’
‘Yeah. You’re right. Your ex is crazy for leaving Sienna behind. She’s the best kid I’ve ever met. I just love her,’ Alexis says with a smile.
The words catch me off guard. She loves her?
I’m sure she said that off the cuff, but it still does something to me to hear her say those words about my daughter. I’m stuck, not sure what to say next.
‘Well, it’s getting late, and I’m kind of tired,’ she says, beating me to it. ‘Thanks for letting me hang with you guys tonight.’
I smile and nod, still at a loss for words. When she walks away, I throw my head back in frustration.
What the hell just happened?
I’m not sure I want to read too much into it. All I know is that the more time I spend with her, the more time I want to spend with her. I need to get my shit together and remember she’s off-limits. It’s not just my body that is drawn to her, and I think that’s the scariest part of it all.
I head to grab a glass of water in the kitchen, and as soon as I enter, I see Alexis standing in front of the sink. She is so deep in thought that she hasn’t even noticed my presence yet.
I take a couple more steps, and she jumps back when she finally sees me.
‘Sorry, I didn’t see you there,’ she whispers.
It looks like she’s been crying. The smart part of my brain would step in and tell me to keep my distance, but I’m too invested. I close the distance between us until I can feel the heat from her body.
She looks up at me, and her face softens.
‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to see this,’ she says as she tries to wipe the evidence of her sadness away.
‘Don’t be sorry,’ I tell her. ‘I’m the one who pushed you on your upbringing. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
My hand reaches up and wipes away another tear.
‘It’s not your fault.’
I get lost in her eyes as they look up at me with what looks like desire. My body betrays me and steps into her as my hands reach up and cup her face.
‘What are you doing?’ she asks with a whispered breath.
My thumbs come up and brush her soft cheeks as I look down at her lips. Those lips that have been the object of my obsession at dinners, in the water earlier, on the couch tonight, and basically every other waking moment since I met her. What would it be like to finally get a taste? To delve in and feel that tongue of hers against mine. The same one that pops out to swipe the remnants of wine off her lips.
I have imagined that mouth wrapped around my dick far too many times to count. It’s kept me up at night when I refuse to pump my dick to thoughts of my nanny.
But the lines have become blurred, and I can no longer remember a single reason why this would be a bad idea.
My thumb runs across her bottom lip, the same lip I want to bite. When she lets out a soft moan, that’s my undoing.
I lean down to finally take what I want.
‘Daddy!’ I hear called from the top of the stairs, and Alexis immediately jumps away from me.
‘Daddy! I had a bad dream!’ Sienna calls again.
‘I’m coming, sweetheart!’ I shout as I take slow steps up the stairs, trying to figure out what just possessed me to try to kiss Alexis in my kitchen.
Sienna is standing at the top of the stairs in her Elsa pajamas, looking scared. I pull her into my arms and squeeze. Right now, I’m just going to focus on trying to cheer up my daughter and forget that moment in the kitchen ever happened.
