being able to sneak in a hug or kiss. Without having her in my arms at night. Now it’s her last day here, and I’m no closer to having a damn clue how to say goodbye.
I know I need to. She deserves it. What we have deserves a proper goodbye. But every time I try to open my mouth, the words get stuck in my throat. The truth is, I don’t want to say goodbye. I’m afraid if I see her cry or get upset, I’ll cave and beg her to stay.
But I know this is the right thing to do. I can’t be selfish and take away her chance at finally doing something for herself.
Sienna told me she wants me to make the same thing we had for dinner the first night we ate together with Alexis: chicken marsala with pasta. Apparently, I have a sentimental child on my hands. I was surprised at how thoughtful it was of her to remember what I cooked that first night.
Now here I am in the grocery store after work, collecting all the ingredients that I need for dinner. I texted Alexis to tell her I would be home early to get started on dinner.
When I think back to that evening, our first night together, I remember how enamored I was with her. She had me hooked from the moment I laid eyes on her. It started out as infatuation, but somewhere along the way, it became something more powerful than I knew I could feel.
These last few days, it’s been hard to even breathe as I prepare myself to say goodbye.
As I pull into the driveway, I try to take some deep breaths to calm the nerves that are forming in my body.
I can do this. Tonight is about having a nice evening and saying goodbye. It’s not about keeping my distance to protect my heart. My heart is already broken. The least I can do is give her a proper send-off.
Carrying the grocery bags into the kitchen, I notice that the house is silent. I catch a glimpse of them outside playing in the backyard as I unload the food. It gives me a sense of relief that I can have some time to cook alone, though part of me wonders if Alexis is just hiding outside to keep her distance. There’s no doubt she’s confused as to why my attitude has changed in the last two days.
I walk into the wine cellar and grab the bottle of Chateau La Conseillante. It was the first wine that we drank together at our first dinner. I’ll never be able to drink it without thinking about her full lips on the wine glass as she tried to listen to my instructions on how to taste wine.
In that moment, I didn’t know whether I wanted to taste the wine or Alexis’s lips more.
Shit, combining both of them on our first night together in my bedroom… How will I ever drink wine again without thoughts of her swirling through my senses?
I’m almost done preparing the meal when the two of them come giggling through the sliding door.
“Daddy! You’re here!” Sienna comes running into my arms. I pick her up and try to focus on the sense of calm her presence normally creates for me. Sienna opens her arms to Alexis. “This is your goodbye dinner, Alex! I told Daddy we should eat the same dinner we had together our first night.”
I think I notice Alexis’s eyes get misty as she takes in the meal in front of her.
“Sienna, that is so thoughtful of you,” Alexis tells her before turning to me nervously. “Thank you for doing this.”
“It’s my pleasure,” I tell her. “I wish there was more I could do. You’ve been everything to us this summer.”
She looks away quickly as her eyes rapidly blink. I have to turn away and clear my throat to contain my own emotions. I’m fucking this up so badly.
“Come on. Let’s eat!” Sienna shouts excitedly, thankfully serving as our icebreaker for the evening.
“Okay. Dinner is served,” I announce as I lay the tray of food in the center of the table.
“Smells amazing.” Alexis smiles, though I can tell it’s not her normal infectious one that I’ve come to love.
It’s guarded like she isn’t sure how to act at the moment. Neither of us does.
“Would you like some wine?” I offer as I hold up the bottle. “It’s the same Chateau we had that night.”
“I’d love some,” she agrees.
I pour each of us a generous amount, then hold mine up for a toast. Sienna loves to toast. Her pink cup is in the air before Alexis can grab her glass.
“A toast,” I begin. “To the best nanny we will ever have the pleasure of knowing. Thank you for putting a smile on my daughter’s face every day. I will forever be grateful that you were the one who walked through my office that day. Cheers.”
“Cheers! I love you, Alex! I’m gonna miss you so much,” Sienna adds.
“Cheers. I love you too, Sienna,” Alexis croaks out as tears begin to run down her cheeks.
We clink our glasses together. Both Alexis and I take a huge sip of our wine. I normally don’t chug wine, as it’s meant to be sipped and enjoyed, but this evening might call for more alcohol, and quickly.
Twenty minutes later, the entire bottle of wine has been drunk, and I think it’s starting to kick in. I’m feeling loosened up.
“Tell me what your favorite Sienna memory has been so far?” I grin as I swirl the remaining contents of my wine around in my glass.
Sienna has already given up on us, claiming we were taking too long, so she’s playing with her dollhouse.
Alexis leans back in her chair with a lazy smile on her face.
“I think it’s gotta be our first time baking together. She tricked me into letting her do most of the measuring and cracking eggs on her own, telling me she did it all the time. I learned very quickly that she was not telling the truth and needed some assistance. A couple ruined batters later, we did it together. But she was trying so hard to crack those eggs and pour the vanilla in without spilling.”
I laugh as I think of Sienna trying to do those things on her own. Gentle and patient she is not, so I imagine things got pretty messy. It sounds like her to try to tell a little lie to do things on her own, though.
“I didn’t know about that one. If she wasn’t so cute…” I trail off as I shake my head.
We both share another laugh together.
Sienna walks up to us with a look I know all too well. It’s the one she wears when she’s trying to get what she wants.
I raise my eyebrows at her. “Yes, Sienna?” I question.
“I was just wondering,” she sings, “if the two of you could put me to bed tonight. Pleassssssse. It will make me feel better about saying goodbye.”
She hits us with a pouty lip.
I sigh. “Honey, I don’t thi—”
“I’m okay with it,” Alexis cuts me off, “if your daddy is.”
Both girls are looking at me like I’m gonna be the bad guy if I say no. Everything about this idea seems dangerous. Sienna getting it in her head what it would be like to have two parents tucking her in at night; me having a vision stuck in my memories of what it would be like to have Alexis be a mother to my child. But I know I can’t say no to these two.
“Fine,” I agree.
Sienna jumps up and down. “Okay, Daddy. I’m ready for my bath.”
“I’ll clean up down here. I’ll meet you two upstairs after the bath. Just let me know when you’re ready,” Alexis tells us.
As soon as I have Sienna bathed and in her jammies, she shouts from the top of the stairs for Alexis to join us. Sienna jumps into bed just as Alexis appears in the doorway.
My heart begins to beat out of my chest as I watch her step quietly into the darkened room, glowing softly from the nightlight.
“Come on this side,” Sienna suggests as she pats the other side of the bed.
It’s only a twin bed, so it’s going to be a tight squeeze. Alexis lies down on the other side as she snuggles up to Sienna. We are only inches apart.
“How does this normally go?” Alexis asks us.
“Sometimes we do a bedtime story. If it’s a workday, we talk about each other’s day. Other times, we just talk about random stuff, maybe make up stories,” I tell her.
“What do you want to do tonight?” Alexis asks Sienna.
“I just want to talk,” she says.
“Okay.” I go to rest my hand on her belly but find Alexis’s hand there.
I’m a weak man. I choose to hold onto Alexis as the three of us lie here and talk about our day. Sienna continues telling me more about what she and Alexis did until her eyes start to get heavy.
I look over at Alexis. When our eyes meet, it feels electric. I can’t take my eyes off her. The way she looks in the soft light, cuddled up to my daughter, my hand resting on hers.
I want this. Why can’t I have it?
As soon as Sienna’s eyes are shut, Alexis and I climb out of her bed and tiptoe out of the room.
I watch as Alexis starts down the hall, and my strength breaks. I catch up to her just before her room, grabbing her hand and walking backward as I tug her into her bedroom.
My lips are on hers in an instant. I put everything I feel and everything that I have into this kiss. It’s slow and thoughtful, so I can memorize exactly how it feels to have my lips on hers.
I push her back to the bed where we fall down together. I don’t let go of her, I can’t. I need her near me.
I feel the passion between us rising like the hottest fire, clouding my brain. Nothing else matters but being with her.
I slowly peel down her tank top and take her breast into my mouth. My tongue swipes across her nipple which is now swollen to its fullest form, then I move over to her other nipple and give it the same treatment.
Her breaths are loud in the deafening silence as I tenderly play with her. I look up into her eyes, and the desire to feel her lips on mine against wins out.
We both undress each other through our kisses as they grow more and more intense. By the time we’re both naked, I’m hard as a rock and need to be inside of her.
She spreads her legs as an invitation, letting me know we’re both ready for it.
As soon as I sink into her, my body gives out and falls on top. My weight must be crushing her, but instead of saying anything, she grabs my face and brings my lips back to hers.
No words are necessary in this moment.
I start to rock back and forth on her body as my dick slips in and out. I can feel my stomach rub against her clit, giving her extra friction to enjoy.
Her mouth remains on mine, even through the slow thrusts. I’ve never felt like this before; like I’m a part of her. Like wherever she is, I am, and where I am, she is. My heart is part of her, and hers a part of mine.
I start to feel her walls close in on me, and I know it’s time for me to let my own release go.
We both come at the same time, our tongues still working together in sequence. We kiss all the way through the orgasm until there is nothing left.
When we pull apart, our bodies are trembling.
I try to find words for what just happened between us, but there are none. Nothing can describe what we just experienced.
As goosebumps begin to spread across her body, I roll over and maneuver us until we are under the covers.
We lie on our sides, looking at each other.
I’m still racking my brain for words to say because goodbye feels impossible.
Before I know it, her eyes grow heavy, and she falls asleep as our hands hold each other’s in the middle of the bed.
I can’t do it. I can’t say goodbye to her. My heart starts racing, and my body starts sweating like I’m running a marathon in ninety-degree heat. I think I’m having a panic attack.
I throw the covers off, grab my clothes, and run out of the room before I put anything back on. I’m a mess of a man who is in love with a woman who needs to be on her own journey.
If I had remained in bed with her for even one minute longer, I would have begged her to stay with me and Sienna. To be the mother that Sienna deserves. But I know I can’t ask her to do that for us.
As soon as I get to my room, I know what I have to do.
I grab my phone and text Mia.
Me: I need your help.
