someone turn the coffee machine off when the pot is still full?’ I shout from the breakroom.
Now the damn coffee is cold, and I have to turn it on and rebrew more. Fucking idiots.
Mia comes storming in, likely having heard my outburst since her office is just down the hall.
“Hey, don’t take it out on us that you make crappy decisions and push people out of your life!” she fires back before turning around and immediately leaving.
I slam my fist down on the countertop. I’ve about had it with their judgment.
I made this decision for Alexis. Can’t they see how miserable I am?
“Everything all right in here?” Marcus peeks his head in.
I huff in frustration and turn to make the coffee, ignoring him.
“Still not ready to talk about what happened?” he says as he walks further into the space.
“I don’t see why it’s anybody’s business. Besides, it’s not gonna change anything. What’s done is done.”
Marcus leans against the counter next to me with his arms folded.
“Still wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone about it. It might make you feel better. Or maybe it’s not too late to change your mind.”
A bitter laugh escapes me. “You heard what Mia said. I broke her heart…she’ll never talk to me again.”
“It’s worth a try. Maybe explain to her why you did it.”
“Just fucking let it go!” I shout.
“Maybe we would let it go if you would stop stomping around here taking it out on everyone else.”
He pushes off the counter and disappears.
The coffee can’t brew fast enough. It feels like forever, but I finally pour myself a cup and walk quickly back to my office.
Even the additional caffeine isn’t making it easier to concentrate, though. I’ve been trying to read through this contract for hours, and the coffee has done nothing to help.
It’s been two weeks since she moved out.
I can barely sleep at night. Half the time, I wake up in a cold sweat, but I can’t seem to remember what my nightmares are about. I wasn’t even this messed up when Angie left.
Then there’s Sienna, who constantly asks me about Alexis, telling me how much she misses her and how badly she wants to see her soon.
Between that and my family, I’m struggling to keep it together. How can’t they see that I needed to let her go? They know how young she is. They must know what I would be asking if I asked her to stay with me.
At five o’clock, I decide to call it a day. The contract isn’t done, but I’m getting nowhere, and it’s pissing me off.
When I walk through my parent’s front door, the moment Sienna is in my arms, I feel a few seconds of relief. It’s always fleeting, but I’ve come to look forward to it.
“Hey, sweetie!” I squeeze her tight. “How was your day?”
“Awesome! We baked pies today,” she exclaims.
I walk farther into the house to see a huge line of pies scattered across the kitchen.
“Wow, you weren’t kidding,” I tell her as I see Ma boxing them up.
“These are for a church bake sale,” she says before I can ask what the hell is going on.
“These two have been hard at work all day,” Pa tells me as he joins us. “You’re quite the helper.” He pinches Sienna’s cheek, who then giggles in my arms.
I put her down. “Go pack up your things,” I say.
“She asked about her again today.” Ma eyes me.
I groan. “Ma, I’m not in the mood to hear this from you, too.”
“Well, that’s just too bad. Mia called me today. Told me you were walking around the office, taking it out on them again. You gonna tell me what happened? Why you just abandoned the poor girl at your own home like that?”
“She was a keeper, son. I can tell these things.” Pa joins in on the criticism.
“I’m not doing this. I thought my family would support me and have my back,” I growl out as I stomp out of the kitchen.
I find Sienna shoving her toys into her backpack. I help her finish packing up and then head straight to the door.
“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” I shout to my parents.
It’s not exactly the warmest goodbye, but they’re lucky I’m not storming out and slamming the door behind me.
Dinners with Sienna are now full of painful memories. Memories of the laughter that used to fill our home when Alexis was here.
Now I struggle to keep it light for Sienna. I don’t want her to feel the missing energy, and yet there is only so much happiness I can offer, especially when it’s forced. She’s been a good sport, though, always laughing and giggling at my jokes, as weak as they may be.
After I get her tucked into bed, I pour myself a glass of wine. It’s my nightly routine now… Drink wine and do everything in my power not to text Alexis and beg for forgiveness.
It’s when I’m alone at night when I’m the weakest. I’m only thinking about myself and my happiness instead of what’s right for her. I hope she’s out there finding her own path that will bring her joy, finding what life is meant to offer her.
After a couple glasses of wine, I end up right back where I knew I’d be: writing and deleting text messages to her.
Me: I miss you. I never should have left you that night. I should have told you right there how much I love you, and
Delete.
Me: Sienna misses you. She talks about you every day.
Delete.
I’m not going to bring my daughter into this and guilt Alexis into possibly forgiving me, not that she ever would. How could she? I made her feel like she was nothing to me. Worse, like I used her.
I deserve to feel like this for the rest of my life. But that night, after we made love, I knew I could never say goodbye to her. If I stayed for one more second, everything I was feeling would come pouring out of me, and then I would never know if she stayed for the right reasons.
I knew that nagging feeling would haunt me forever. Little did I know, I would be haunted either way.
After deleting another message, anger boils up in me.
Why the fuck can’t I shake this?
I chuck my phone across the room, watching as it bounces off the marble fireplace and shatters.
Fuck! What the hell am I doing?
