Boulevard of broken dreams.
My childhood was the one every other child dreamed of.
I never longed for anything neither did any of my demands were left unfulfilled.
Result of it being that I never grew up to be greedy.
When all your wishes get satisfied you no longer aspire for more and more.
You learn contend.
And that’s what my parents desired me to be like.
Humble, sweet, understanding ,down to earth and a perfect gentleman.
A man who has strength of character.
Power of words.
And heart of emotions.
A man who doesn’t class people instead treat rich and poor equally.
And may be that was one of the reasons I Alessandro Romano fell madly in love with a poor orphan girl.
Who had nothing.
No status, no riches, no family name.
Nothing but a pure soul, a bright smile and golden heart.
Good looks backed by bank balance no doubt made large share of girls attracted towards me.
But those girls were nothing like her or so I thought.
She was different from all those I ever met before.
Different in an intriguing manner.
And now I know why she was like that.
While others were fake diamonds she was the real one who suffered the hardest blows of life to be perfectly cut to reflect back light.
5th July.
2004.
Dear diary.
I am feeling very lonely so I decided to talk to you.
Diary am I very ugly?
Today the children at my orphanage again bullied me.
They said I was so ugly that my parents decided to discard me in a bin.
They said they will not let me play with them as they didn’t want to touch shit that came out of a bin.
I wanted to cry….but I didn’t
I learned how to control my tears.
But not for much longer
I cried a lot when I came to my room.
Maybe they are right…
I am ugly
But I can’t change it right…
I have to accept it.
I watched them play with the dolls…
I also wanted a doll for me so I went to the head ma’am.
She scolded me by saying that she was filling my stomach… wasn’t that enough …
Ungrateful kid was what she called me.
So with a heavy heart and suppressed desire I remained silent.
But then a miracle happened.
At the backside of the building while I was roaming around my eyes caught a glimpse of a dolls face in a box.
Gathering enough courage I opened the box to see discarded material in it.
The doll I found was broken
It’s arm was not there and her leg was broken.
But luckily I found the broken arm lying in the box
I pulled out the doll and fixed it with glue.
The joints from where it was broken were visible but I covered it with a beautiful dress I myself stiched.
So in short I got my own doll.
A very beautiful one with blonde hair and green eyes.
Right now she is here in my lap as I am writing.
She is my first and most special possession and I will name it miracle.
So diary meet miracle…my first and last doll…my one and only toy.
16January
2005
dear diary
Today again a family came.
They took Jasmine along.
They are her new mom and dad.
All the children with me have found new mom and dad
Then why haven’t I?
Am I not good enough?
Am I a bad child…but I never hurt anyone…
Did I do something wrong?
I must have that’s why I am getting a punishment
Right diary?
No one here loves me..
They say I don’t deserve love.
But why diary?
Why don’t I?
I must be really ugly
15 December
2006
Hi diary…sorry I didn’t got to write
Actually I was very busy….
They make me work till my head starts exploding.
No one comes to my help
Instead they chat around as I do their work.
But at least they don’t hurt me now.
They just ignore me and it’s better than getting hated by them I guess.
As I was cleaning the dishes they were talking about their boyfriends.
One said her boyfriend kissed her and they all looked very excited about it.
She was blushing and her level of happiness could not be compared.
She was ecstatic beyond words.
I wondered how it felt to kissed.
Would I blush like she is blushing…would I feel all that what she is talking about.
Did I deserved someone who will do all this for me?
This was just a wishful thinking and I can’t even afford to think about it.
After all who will kiss a trash like me.
I am sure he will be disgusted by my touch let alone my kiss.
They are calling me again to wash the dishes…bye
18 September
2010
I am leaving my home..
Actually they are throwing me out.
I was no longer useful for them they said…I was covering unnecessary space and they wanted me gone.
I am 16 now
A grown up I guess and I can take care of myself.
But the problem was money
I didn’t had it.
And without it I can’t even survive for 2 days.
I wanted to have that tasty looking donnut…but it costed 5$
I wanted a roof over my head….50$
I wanted to go to washroom….even that costed…1$
Everything can be bought with money. Not even a single thing is free in this world…
And if it’s free then it is most dangerous…it will make you indebted and mind me they will recover not only the principal but also interest.
Then interest will be charged on interest and this is how one day you will get so under it’s weight that it will eventually crush you.
So I decided to earn money to live.
Today is my first day in the restaurant…wish me luck….
Bye…..
21 November
2013
Money is very powerful…
It can make others lay everything on your feet
It can make everyone worship you and kiss the floor you walk on.
I saw it today….only a glimpse of it’s power but still enough.
A luxury car was speeding down the street when an old man decided to cross the road.
Brakes were applied but still the old man got hit and his forehead started bleeding.
The car door opened revealing a handsome boy with perfection personified.
A sorry would have been good but that was not what everyone thought.
As soon as hundreds of dollars were handed over to the old man..long gone were his painful cries and pitiful state.
All his pain vanished like some miracle and he instead started thanking the rich boy.
The boy was gone with a arrogant look on his face and that smirk that showed that he already knew this will happen.
I helped the old man and made him sit at the nearby bench.
Instead of treating his wound he was busy counting the dollars in his palms.
A smile lingered on his lips and on asking why he crossed the red light he simply answered
‘Sometimes risking your life is worth it my dear child..’
That was the first time I realised that money can make you do things you can never dream of.
It can buy human lives and take them as well.
So money was everything for this world…..this world was materialistic even if everyone claimed they are not.
Everyone is and even I became one.
15january
2015
Dear diary…
Today a girl asked me
‘Don’t you need a boyfriend…?’
I was surprised at her question. She knew me well…she knew I didn’t even talked to boys let alone date them..
‘Why would I need one?’
I asked trying to reason out.
‘Don’t you feel lonely Sapphire. Trust me make a boyfriend….he will give you what you are lacking in life….love’
I smiled at her reply…some people still need to grow up….
When life gives you times where you worry about you next meal you can’t afford to engage with boys.
Children have crushes…teenagers make boyfriends but people like me….
Well we just have hope…hope of doing something better next day.
I have heard many stories of heartbreaks.
Boy cheating on the girl.
Relations lacking trust.
Confusing lust with love.
And trust me when I say this that I am happy without a boy in my life.
I am happy with my small happy life that I have made for myself.
I am happy seeing sunset alone.
I am happy watching other couples acting lovey dovey.
I am happy being the unloved one..
It’s not because I can’t find a boyfriend…no I think everyone can….
It’s just that I know in the end I am not brave enough.
I am not brave enough to survive if something goes wrong.
I know myself.
I will give my everything for him.
But he may not…
And in the end I will be left broken with no one to pick me up.
I will be weak.
And I don’t want anyone to be my weakness.
I want to remain a strong independent women who doesn’t takes a shit from anyone.
‘Sensitive people can’t love…they can only be used dear and in this world no one values 2 nd hand goods’
She couldn’t understand the depth of my reply and simply smiled..
Dear diary I know you must be thinking how can a girl not dream of love…
But I can’t help it you know..
I can’t believe that anyone here in this world will ever love me.
25 December
2015
Today was a wonderful day until he decided to ruin it.
He is a regular customer here in the restaurant.
He tries to flirt with me and I ignore it trying to lessen my problems.
But he is adamant.
I hate seeing his face.
He smokes with his friends and they scale girls on their hotness.
How stupid can they be.
But today he crossed all limits.
He followed me to the alley behind the restaurant and tried to kiss me.
I never let any man touch me let alone talk rudely to me and this man had the audacity to force himself on me.
I taught him a good lesson.
Burning his very cigarette on his skin gave me content.
But that was not enough to calm my burning anger.
In that empty alley at such a late hour I left him bloody with a broken nose and multiple bruises.
Neil Wilson
Is his name and he was the first man that made me loose the little trust I had in men.
I cried when I came back….I was afraid what he will do…
But I stayed strong because I knew I was right
And when you do something right you should not be scared of any one in this world .
I just hope I never see him again diary…..
27 December
2015
He came again today with bandages covering his face.
Screaming and demanding me to come out.
I did come out as he wished.
But not alone.
Police did their work and assured me of my safety.
And finally him resting behind the bars gave me peace.
If you ask me if I felt bad for sending him to jail.
Then my answer is no.
Going to jail was nothing new for a drug dealer like him and I hope he never crosses my path again.
15 march2016
It’s been 3 months and I haven’t heard from Neil.
I was so happy and finally life came back on track.
Today I am resting in my apartment and now I am dosing off.
Bye bye dearest….
The date of the next entry made butterflies enrapture in my stomach as I started it.
From this day I entered her life and now reading what all she felt is making me an anxious mess.
With a small sigh I adjusted myself on the old sofa of her room and started
20 the march.
2016
Hi diary….
Hmmm
I don’t how to write this but…today was a very different day…
I….I met a man today…….
He was the most beautiful person I ever saw
Each and every feature was shaped to perfection.
I was not staring….
No…I mean…yes I was….but I couldn’t control myself .
I always thought the most handsome ones were the ones who were the most arrogant and rude.
But boy did he proved me wrong.
He was a very powerful person who no one cared to mess with…
And my stupid self did exactly that.
I ruined his hundreds of dollars suit…I ruined it all.
But he didn’t even complained.
He was calm like the ocean just like his beautiful grey eyes.
I got lost in those eyes for a minute I admit but I hope I didn’t offended him by doing so.
Rich people scare me.
I am afraid of their power but this man here instead made me feel protected for the first time in my life.
How he asked not to blame me is something not even your bestest of friends do for you.
I must admit he is the first man that has truly proved me wrong.
With personality as beautiful as his name and smile as bright as his golden heart.
He is one in billion and I am happy to have met him.
Even if it was for few minutes I was lucky to have smelt his expensive cologne that had the most manly and beautiful fragrance I ever smelt.
To have seen his beautiful smile with those perfectly symmetric teeth.
To have looked into those ocean deep grey eyes which were the rarest of rare that I had ever seen
And lastly to have felt his touch that made this nobody feel at the top of the world.
Thank you Mr Alessandro Romano.
I may not get to meet you again or see you.
As you lie at the top of hierarchy while I lie at the lowest.
But I will always remember that exceptions are always there and you were an epitome of it.
Andro sounded so good that I couldn’t stop myself from calling you by this name.
But the smile you gave me after I called you by this name was better than it.
Good night Mr Alessandro Romano….hope someone like you gets all the happiness this world can give to anyone….even my share of it.
Because you deserve it.
This was the first time I felt and wrote these things about a man….hushhhh it was very difficult but I tried okay.
Anyways goodnight diary…
As my eyes finished the last sentence I just couldn’t control the 100 watt smile that escaped my lips.
Oh Saph you and your words shook the very floor under my feet that day and even today.
But the thing is you never knew nor do you know the effect you have on me.
You called yourself ugly….how blind can you be my dear Saph.
Why couldn’t you see your beauty in my eyes.
Why didn’t you know that how beautiful you looked when you said you were not beautiful.
This diary has just started and I am already feeling a weight being placed on my heart.
This is the weight you carried all your life and I don’t know how long I can endure it before it crushes my very heart under it.
My thoughts were interrupted when my phone rang.
‘Mr. Romano your mother and Miss Andrea are worried sick about you…..when will you be coming……’
‘Tell them I won’t come tonight…..I am preoccupied…’
With this I ended the call and placed my phone on silent.
There will be no one to disturb me.
Just me and my Saph.
I placed myself on her bed and her peach blossom fragrance engulfed me.
I never felt like home after she left but today her fragrance was enough to bring me back home.
I turned the next page and got lost in the emotions behind her words.
