Liliana
Someone was shaking me. I opened my eyes but at first everything was blurry.
“Lily, get up. I think Mom’s going to die,” Aria said in a panicky voice. I jerked upright, my head spinning.
Aria was already on her way out of my room, probably to wake the others. One of us had always sat at Mother’s bed to make sure she was never alone. Tonight it had been Aria’s turn. I untangled myself from my blankets, slipped out of bed and hurried toward the bedroom at the end of the corridor. The smell of antiseptic and disinfectant greeted me even before I entered but my nose had grown used to the biting stench by now. Gianna was already inside, perched on the edge of the bed. Mother’s eyes were closed and for a moment I was sure I was too late and she’d already died. Then I saw the slow rise and fall of her chest. I approached the bed hesitantly. Gianna barely glanced my way. She was glowering at her lap. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders from behind and pressed our cheeks together.
“I hate this,” Gianna whispered.
“Where’s the nurse?”
“She left so we could say goodbye in peace. She gave Mother another dose of morphine so she could go without pain.”
Aria and Fabi came into the room. Fabi was wearing his brave face, and damn it, he looked so grown up. He was taller than Aria already. Luca stood in the corridor but didn’t come in, instead he closed the door, giving us privacy.
Mother’s breathing was low, barely noticeable. Her eyes flickered back and forth under her lids as if she was watching a movie in her head. It wouldn’t be much longer. Fabi grabbed the foot of the bed, his knuckles turning white. There were tears in his eyes but his face was like stone. I knew that look, that posture;
I turned away from him. Aria walked up to us. “How is she?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that question.
Gianna glared. “Where’s Father? He should be here!” She’d spoken quietly but Aria and I still chanced a worried glance toward Mother. She didn’t need to get upset in the last moments of her life. My stomach constricted painfully and for a second I was sure I’d have to rush to the bathroom to throw up. Death was part of our life, especially when you grew up in our world. I’d attended countless funerals in the last few years but almost all of them had been from people I’d barely known.
“I don’t know,” Aria admitted. “I knocked at his door and even walked in but it didn’t look like he’d slept in his bed at all.”
Gianna and I exchanged a look. Was he really with one of his whores tonight? Mother had been feeling very weak yesterday so it didn’t come as a surprise that tonight could be the night. He should have stayed home to be there for her.
“Do you know where he is? You’ve been acting like his best buddy the last few days,” Gianna muttered with a scowl in Fabi’s direction.
He stiffened. “He doesn’t tell me where he goes. And I’m not his best buddy, but as his only son I have responsibilities.”
Gianna stood, and I had no choice but to let her go. “Oh my god, what kind of bullshit is that. I can’t believe it,” she hissed.
“Gianna,” Aria said in warning. “It’s enough. Not here, not right now.”
“It doesn’t matter that Father’s not here,” I said firmly. “We are here for her. We are the most important people in her life, not him.”
That was the last time we mentioned Father that night. Hours passed with Mother’s state staying the same, and occasionally my eyes fell shut, but then her breathing changed.
I sat up in my chair and took her hand. “Mom?” I asked.
Aria was holding her other hand. Gianna didn’t move from her spot in the armchair in the corner. Her legs were pressed up against her chest, her chin resting on her knees. Fabi had fallen asleep with his cheek on the wooden foot of the bed. I reached out and nudged him. He jerked up in his chair.
Mother’s eyelids fluttered like she was going to open them. I held my breath, hoping she’d look at us once more, maybe even say something but then her breathing slowed even more.
I wasn’t sure how much longer it took. I lost any sense of time as I monitored Mother’s chest, the way it barely moved, until it stopped altogether. Fabi ran out to get the nurse, but I didn’t need her to tell me what I already knew; our mother was gone. The nurse moved around us, and then with a sad nod, she disappeared again.
I let go of Mother’s hand, stood from my chair and stepped back. Aria didn’t move, still clutching Mother’s hand. One moment Mother was there and the next she was gone. Just like that a life ended, and with it the dreams and hopes of that person. Life was so short, any moment could be your last. Mother had told me to be happy, but in our world happiness wasn’t something that came by easily.
Aria rested her head on the edge of the bed, sobbing without a sound. Fabi like me stood back. He looked like he couldn’t comprehend what had happened. Gianna walked up to Aria, for the first time in hours moving closer to the bed and put her hand on Aria’s shoulder. She didn’t even glance Mother’s way, and I got it. Gianna’s relationship with our mother had always been difficult and only gotten worse when Mother had accepted how horrible Father had treated Gianna after she’d run away. In the days since her arrival here, Gianna’s feelings had often changed from one second to the other.
After a moment, Aria stood and pressed a kiss to Mother’s forehead. To my surprise, Gianna did the same, though she quickly stepped back from the bed again. I could only stare. I knew I should kiss Mother’s forehead as well as a last goodbye, but I couldn’t bring myself to touch this lifeless corpse. That wasn’t her anymore. That was something empty and lifeless.
I staggered out of the room. My throat was cording up and my eyes were burning. I wanted to run and don’t stop but in the corridor I bumped into Romero. If he hadn’t grabbed my shoulders, I would have toppled over. I gasped for breath. Panic was slowly tightening around my body like a vice.
“Take her away,” Luca ordered. I hadn’t even noticed him.
“What about Aria’s order?”
“I don’t give a damn.”
Romero wrapped an arm around my waist and steered me down the hallway. I was still trying to suck air into my lungs but it was futile. My legs buckled.
“Hey,” Romero said in a soothing voice. “Sit down.” He guided me to the floor and helped me put my head between my legs while he drew calming circles on my back. The feel of his warm hand steadied me.
“Just breathe,” he murmured. “It’s okay.”
His voice pulled me out of the black hole that wanted to consume me and eventually my breathing returned to normal. “She’s dead,” I whispered when I was sure I could speak.
Romero halted in his stroking of my back. “I’m sorry.”
I nodded, fighting back new tears. “Father wasn’t there. I don’t know where he is. He should have been there for her in her last moments!” The anger felt good, better than the sadness.
“Yes, he should have. Maybe Dante called him away.”
I glowered up at Romero. “Dante wouldn’t have done it, not in the middle of the night, not when he knows that our mother is so sick. No, Father didn’t want to be here when Mother died. He barely visited her since she got worse. He’s a selfish bastard and is probably screwing one of his whores right this moment.”
Romero smiled darkly. “I sometimes forget that you’re an adult now and know the ugly sides of our world.”
“You better not forget,” I said. “I know more than all of you think.”
“I don’t doubt it,” he said. For an instant we only stared at each other. I felt calmer now.
“Thanks,” I said simply. Romero pulled his hand away from my back. I wished he hadn’t. His touch had felt good. He straightened and held out his hand. I took it and he pulled me to my feet. The door to Mother’s room opened and Aria stepped out, her eyes zooming in on Romero and me. He let go of my hand, gave me an encouraging smile before he went to Aria to tell her how sorry he was about Mother’s death. Aria nodded but then her eyes darted to me again. Her cheeks were wet with tears. I walked toward her and wrapped my arms around her. Romero took that as his cue to leave but before he turned the corner he glanced over his shoulder and our gazes met. The cold and empty feeling in my chest eased and something warm and more hopeful took its place. Then he disappeared from my view. I almost went after him, but my sisters needed me now. Steps sounded behind us and then Luca was heading our way, lowering his phone from his ear.
“He doesn’t answer his phone? Did you try to send him a message?” Aria asked as she pulled back from me and hurried toward her husband.
Luca grimaced. “Yes, I sent him two messages, but he hasn’t replied yet, and he doesn’t answer my calls. I doubt he’ll be back any time soon.”
I returned into Mother’s bedroom even though my body bristled at the mere idea, but Aria needed some time with her husband. I’d only be the fifth wheel. Before I closed the door, I saw Luca cradling my sister’s face and kissing her eyelids. That was love and devotion. He wouldn’t have left her side if she’d been dying. He wasn’t a good man, but he was a good husband. I prayed that I’d be as lucky one day. I couldn’t live the life my mother had, with a cold husband who didn’t care about me. I knew Romero wouldn’t be like that. But it wasn’t like Father would choose him for my husband.
Gianna was back in her armchair but she was talking on the phone in low voices, probably with Matteo. She, too, had found someone.
Fabi was gone. I didn’t want to interrupt Gianna so I went in search of my little brother. I found him in his room, sitting at his desk and polishing one of his many combat knives. They were shiny already.
“Do you want to talk?” I asked.
He didn’t even look up, only pressed his lips together.
I waited, then I nodded. “Okay. But if you change your mind, I’m in my room.”
Romero waited outside. He nodded toward my brother. “Do you want me to talk to him? Maybe he needs someone who isn’t family.”
“You mean who isn’t female,” I said bitterly, but then I swallowed my emotions. “You’re probably right. He’d rather talk to you than me.”
Romero looked like he wanted to say more but then he walked past me and toward my brother. “Do you need help polishing your collection?”
Fabi’s head shot up. Admiration flickered across his pale face. He didn’t say anything but he handed Romero a cloth. Romero perched on the edge of the desk and unsheathed his own knife from its holster. A long, curved blade that looked absolutely deadly. Fabi’s eyes lit up and he rose from his chair to take a closer look. “Wow,” he breathed.
“I should probably polish it first. Your knives are in a much better condition.”
“That’s because they are only for show,” Fabi said. “But yours is a weapon, it’s real. How many have you killed with it?”
I closed the door quickly. I’d had enough death for one night. I didn’t want to know how many Romero had caused in his lifetime. I glanced down toward the bedroom where Mother’s corpse waited to be taken away, then I turned around and headed toward my room. Aria had Luca, Gianna had Matteo, and for the moment even Fabi had Romero, but I’d deal with this alone. I’d been doing it for weeks and months now.
Romero
I wanted to be there for Lily, wanted to console her, but I respected Aria’s wishes. She too had gone through enough shit and didn’t need the additional grief of worrying about her sister.
Instead I showed Fabiano how to handle my knife, how to unsheathe a long blade as quickly as a short one. It was easy to distract him from his sadness. But damn it, he wasn’t the one who needed me most.
Needed you? Goddammit, if I started thinking like that now, I’d get myself in huge trouble. Lily wasn’t my responsibility, and she definitely didn’t need me.
Fabi drew his knife from the holster I’d lent him and grinned at how fast he’d done it. I’d been like that once, eager to learn everything there was about fighting, about winning. Eager to prove myself. My father had been a low debt collector, someone who never got to talk to the Capo directly. I’d wanted to be better, to prove my worth to him and myself. Fabiano had huge expectations resting on his shoulders, he had plenty of ways to fail, but very few options to excel.
“I need to go to Luca now,” I said eventually. Fabi nodded, and settled back on his chair. He picked up a cloth and polished the same knife again. I guessed he’d spent all night like that and maybe even the next few days.
I walked out and headed for the stairs but stopped in front of Liliana’s door, listening for a sound. Maybe I wanted to hear crying so I could storm in and console her, be her knight in fucking armor.
I moved on.
