Liliana
I looked deathly pale in mourning. Aria, Gianna and I wore the same modest black dress and ballet flats, our hair pinned up in a bun. I didn’t wear make-up, even though the shadows beneath my eyes were scary. Father had organized a huge funeral; expensive oak coffin, a sea of beautiful flowers, only the best food for the feast afterwards. He acted like the devastated widower everyone expected to see. It was a marvelous show. He should have been there for Mother when she really needed him. This was only to impress people and maybe to make him feel better. Even a man like him had to feel guilty for abandoning his dying wife.
The funeral was a big affair in our world. Father was an important man, and so Mother’s death was a social event. Everyone wanted to attend, and everyone was crying crocodile’s tears, as they said their condolences. My eyes were dry as sand. I could see people glancing my way, waiting for me to cry over my mother, to show the reaction they all expected from me. But I couldn’t cry. I didn’t want to cry, not surrounded by so many people with their fake tears. They pretended they’d cared for my mother, that they’d known her but none of these people had visited her when she was bound to the house. She’d been dead to them long before her death. The moment she hadn’t been the glitzy society lady they’d ditched her like a dirty rag. They made me sick, all of them.
Father put his arms around Fabi’s and my shoulder as he led us toward the coffin. I shuddered under his touch. I didn’t think he realized it was revulsion for his closeness that had caused my reaction because he actually squeezed my shoulder. It took incredible self-control for me to stay where I was and not rip away from him.
The priest started his prayer as the coffin was slowly lowered into the hole. I peered up through my lashes and caught Romero’s eyes over the grave. Unlike Luca and Matteo, who’d flown in for the funeral, Romero wasn’t allowed to stand on this side with our family. His expression was solemn as we watched each other but then he lowered his gaze back to the coffin. He’d been avoiding me in the last few days. When I entered the room he was in, he usually left with a stupid excuse. It was obvious he couldn’t stand my presence and didn’t know how to tell me. Everyone was walking on eggshells around my siblings and me now. I wished he’d tell me the truth. I could handle it. Father led us back toward the other mourners, away from Mother’s grave and finally let go of me. I released a quiet breath, glad to be out of the spotlight and away from my father.
The moment people started to head for the coffin to say their last goodbye, I backed away. Nobody stopped me. Nobody even seemed to notice. They were busy putting on their show. I turned and didn’t look back. I rushed down the path, away from the grave, sending pebbles flying as my feet pounded the ground. I wasn’t even sure where I was going. The graveyard was huge, there were plenty of places to find peace and silence. I reached a part that was even more opulent than where mother had been buried. Rows over rows of old family vaults surrounded me. Most of them were locked but one of the iron gates was ajar. I headed that way, and after having made sure nobody was watching me, I opened it and slipped inside. It was cool in the vault and the smell of mildew drifted into my nose. Everything was made from gray marble. I sank down slowly and sat with my back against the cold wall.
In moments like this I understood why Gianna had run away. I’d never had the urge to leave this life behind forever, but sometimes I wanted to escape at least for a little while.
I knew eventually someone would notice I was missing and come looking for me, but I didn’t even care that Father would lose his shit on me.
It took less than an hour before I heard someone call my name in the distance. I opened my lips to reply but not a sound came out. I rested my head against the marble, and peered out through the bars of the iron gate. So often in my life I’d felt like I was surrounded by invisible bars, and now I sought shelter behind them. A bitter smile twisted my lips. Steps crunched outside of the vault. I held my breath as someone came into view outside the gate.
A tall form with a familiar frame loomed in front of it. Romero. He hadn’t seen me yet but his eyes scanned their surroundings. They passed right over the spot I was hiding and he was about to turn away. I could have stayed hidden, alone with my anger and misery and sadness, but suddenly I didn’t want this. For some reason, I wanted Romero to find me. He hadn’t faked tears and he wasn’t family; he was safe. I cleared my throat quietly but of course a man like Romero didn’t miss it. He turned and his eyes zoomed in on me. He headed for me, opened the gate and stepped in with a bent head because he was too tall to stand. He held out his hand for me. I searched his eyes for the pity I hated so much, but he looked merely concerned and maybe even like he cared. I wasn’t sure what to make of his concern when not too long ago he’d done his utmost to stay away from me.
I slipped my hand into his and his fingers closed around me before he pulled me to my feet. The momentum of the movement catapulted me straight into Romero’s arms. I should have pulled back. He should have pushed me back. We didn’t.
It felt good to be so close to someone, to feel his warmth, something my life had seemed so devoid of recently. He slowly backed out of the vault, taking me with him, still holding me close.
“We’ve been looking for you for almost an hour,” Romero said quietly, worriedly, but all I could focus on was how close his lips were and how good he smelled. “Your father will be glad to know you’re safe.”
My father. Anger surged up in me at how he’d acted in the last few months. I was so tired of being angry, of not knowing where to go with my anger. I stepped onto my toes, closed my eyes and pressed my lips against Romero’s. This was the third time I did this. It seemed I never learned, but I wasn’t even scared of being rejected anymore. I was so numb inside, there was no way anything could hurt me again.
Romero’s hand came up to my shoulders as if he was going to shove me away, but then he merely rested them there, warm and strong. He didn’t try to deepen the kiss but our lips moved against each other. There was only the barest touch and even that was over too quickly. Something trailed down my cheeks and caught on my lips. I’d never imagined my first real kiss would taste of tears. I sank back down onto my heels and my eyes fluttered open. I was too drained, too sad, too angry, to be embarrassed about my actions.
Romero searched my face, his dark brows drawn together. “Lily,” he began, but then I started crying for real, fat tears rolling down my cheeks. I buried my face against Romero’s chest. He cupped the back of my head and let me sob. In the safety of Romero’s arms I dared to give my sadness room, didn’t fear it would swallow me whole. I knew Romero wouldn’t let it. Maybe it was a ridiculous notion but I believed Romero would keep me safe from everything. I’d tried to forget him, had tried to move on, find someone new to focus my crush on but they all fell short.
“We should return. Your father will be worried sick by now.”
“He isn’t worried about me. He’s only worried about how I make him look bad,” I said quietly, pulling back. I wiped my cheeks. Romero brushed a strand away that stuck to my wet skin. We still stood close but now that I had a better grip on my emotions I stepped back, ashamed by the way I’d thrown myself at Romero. Again. I was glad I couldn’t read his mind. I didn’t want to know what he thought of me now.
Romero’s phone rang and after an apologetic smile at me, he picked up. “Yes, I have her. We’ll be there in a moment.”
I stared off toward an elderly man who stood before a grave. His lips were moving and he was leaning heavily on a walking stick. I had a feeling he was talking to his deceased wife, telling her how his days had been, how much he wanted to be reunited with her again. That would never be my father. He seemed to have gotten over Mother’s death already.
Romero touched my shoulder lightly and I almost flew back into his arms, but this time I was strong. “Are you ready to head back?”
Ready? No. I didn’t want to see Father or the fake mourning. I didn’t want to hear one more word of pity. “Yes.”
Neither of us mentioned the kiss as we walked back toward my mother’s grave. Romero had kissed me, or let me kiss him out of pity, that was the harsh truth of the situation. Luca and Aria were the only people waiting for us.
Aria rushed toward me and wrapped me into a tight hug. “Are you okay?”
I felt bad instantly. She too had lost our Mother. She too was sad, and now she’d had to worry about me on top of everything. “Yes, I just needed a moment alone.”
Aria nodded with understanding. “Father and the other guests have moved on to the house for the funeral feast. We should head there too, or Father will get even angrier.”
I nodded. Aria shot Romero a look I had trouble deciphering. Then she led me toward the car, her arms tightly wrapped around my shoulders. Luca and Romero trailed behind. I didn’t look back at Mother’s grave again, knew it would have been too much for me.
“What was that look you gave Romero?” I asked quietly as we settled on the backseat.
Aria made an innocent face but I didn’t buy it. I knew her too well even if we weren’t as close as we used to be, due to the distance between us. She sighed. “I told him to stay away from you.”
“You did what?” I hissed. Luca glanced over his shoulder at us, and I lowered my voice even further. I hoped he hadn’t heard what I’d said. Romero seemed busy finding a good radio station.
“Why did you do that?” I asked in a bare whisper.
“Lily, I don’t want you to get hurt. You think Romero will make you feel happier and help with the sadness, but it’ll only make things worse. Maybe you think you’ve fallen for him but you shouldn’t mistake loneliness for something else.”
I stared at my sister incredulously. “I’m not an idiot. I know my own feelings.”
Aria took my hand. “Please don’t be mad, Lily. I only want to protect you.”
Everyone always said they wanted to protect me. I wondered from what. Life?
***
Two days later, Aria, Gianna, Matteo, Romero and Luca left for New York. I wasn’t sure when I’d see them again. Aria had asked Father if I could visit them for a couple of weeks in the summer but he’d refused with a not so veiled look in Gianna’s direction. I’d put on a brave face, told them I’d be busy spending time with my friends and taking care of Fabi. Romero hadn’t even hugged me goodbye, and he and I never got the chance for a private talk. Maybe it was for the best that I couldn’t ask him about the kiss.
Aria called the same evening, trying to make sure I was really okay. I wasn’t but I didn’t tell her.
Instead I learned to go through the motions, trying to pretend things were going well. But my friends were either on vacation or busy with family matters, and I spent my days alone in our house with only the maid and my ancient bodyguard for company. Father and Fabi were gone almost all the time, and when they returned they shared new secrets they couldn’t talk to me about, and even in their presence I felt alone. The loneliness you felt when you were surrounded by people was the worst kind.
I often spent hours sitting in the chair next to the bed where mother died, thinking about her last words and wondering how I was supposed to keep my promise. Father didn’t allow me to go to college, didn’t allow me to visit New York, didn’t want me to party with my friends. All I could do was wait for something to happen, for life to happen. Maybe if Mother hadn’t died Father would have spent the summer introducing me to potential husbands and I would have a wedding to plan in the near future. Even that seemed preferable to the way my life unfolded now, without anything to look forward to.
Romero
Luca, Matteo and I played cards when Aria’s cellphone rang. She sat on the sofa with Gianna, drinking wine and laughing.
The moment Aria started talking I knew something was wrong. Luca put his cards down as well.
“Why didn’t you call before? You should have send her with us right away!”
Luca got up.
“You can talk to me, too,” Aria said, then she glanced toward Luca. “My Father wants to talk to you.” She held out the phone for him and Luca took it with a worried glance at his wife.
Gianna crossed the room toward her sister. “What’s going on?”
I had a bad feeling.
“Lily’s passed out today. Apparently she hasn’t been eating much since the funeral.”
I rose from my chair. “Is she alright?”
Aria nodded. “Physically, yes. Father called a doctor and he said she needs to eat and drink more. But it’s more than that. From what Father said Lily’s been alone almost the entire time since we left. Nobody took care of her. I can’t believe I let Father talk me into leaving her there. I should have taken her to New York with me right away.”
“By my honor, no harm will come to Liliana when she’s here. She’ll be well protected. I will make sure of that,” Luca said. Then he listened to whatever Scuderi had to say on the other end. “I’m aware of that. Believe me, Liliana will be just as safe as she’s in Chicago.” He listened again and then he hung up.
Aria rushed toward him. “And? Will he allow her to come here?”
Luca smiled tightly. “He agreed to let her spend the entire summer here, maybe even beyond that. He seemed really worried about her.”
“Really? That’s great!” Aria said, beaming.
“I doubt he’s doing it because he’s worried but who cares as long as he allows her to stay with us,” Gianna said.
“When will she arrive?” I asked, trying to sound casual, as if I was merely a concerned soldier making sure he could fulfill his bodyguard duties.
Luca’s expression made it clear he didn’t buy it for one second but Aria was too wrapped up in her euphoria to pay attention. “Tomorrow afternoon.”
“She’ll be staying in our apartment, right?” Aria asked.
Luca nodded. “I told your father I’d personally make sure that she’d be safe.”
“You mean that she doesn’t go around having fun or god forbid sully her purity,” Gianna muttered.
“Yes, that,” Luca said matter-of-factly. “And since war with the Outfit might be the outcome if I don’t keep my promise I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she has only very limited fun.” Again his eyes found me and I had to suppress a curse. He didn’t even know about the kiss Lily and I had shared in the graveyard. I wondered how much worse it would be if he actually knew.
“We could spend the summer in the Hamptons. It’s too hot and stuffy in the city and we’re using the mansion not often enough anyway.” Aria touched Luca’s forearm and fixed him with one of her looks that always got him. “Please, Luca? I don’t want Lily to be stuck in the apartment. In the Hamptons we can lie at the pool and swim in the ocean and take trips with our boat.”
“Okay, okay,” Luca said with a resigned look. “But Matteo and I can’t stay with you the entire time. We have a lot to deal with at the moment. Romero and Sandro will have to keep you safe while we’re gone.”
Aria chanced a glance in my direction. She probably wondered if it was a good idea to have me around her sister, and to be honest I wondered the same thing.
