“Why are you always leaving after we sleep with each other?” I tried to sound merely curious but a hint of vulnerability slipped through.
“I can’t sleep with someone else in bed,” he said. “I never even thought I could share a house…” He glanced around our new surroundings. “…or apartment with anyone.”
“Why?” I doubted he was worried that I’d kill him.
“I just can’t. I prefer being alone, preferred being alone.”
“Not anymore?” I asked hopefully.
“I don’t sleep very well. And if someone would be in bed with me, it would be worse,” Growl said instead of answering my question.
“Maybe you just need to get used to it. Maybe it takes time. You’ve been alone for a long time.”
“Forever,” he murmured. “I’ve been alone forever. Even when my mother was still alive, she worked a lot, especially at night,” was his simple reply. “And after she was killed and I loved with Bud, I was glad to be alone. Being alone meant no pain. That was good.”
My heart clenched for him. So much horror in his past. I didn’t know if I, if anything could ever compete with that, ever win against the shadows of his past.
“Humans aren’t meant to be alone. We need someone. It’s in our nature. We need to be touched. We need to talk to someone. To have someone to trust. Otherwise we become…”
“Like me,” Growl rasped. “I’m better off alone. I’m meant to be alone.”
I stared at his tattoos, the ridges of his scars, his hard eyes. “Perhaps you’re right.”
Even if I didn’t want to accept it, Growl might be one of the people who couldn’t be with others for long.
I didn’t try to stop him this time when he pushed up. My eyes followed the line of muscles from his broad shoulders down to his firm butt. My cheeks didn’t heat anymore, but the fire the pit of my stomach ignited once more at the sight. I’d never felt anything like it before. I’d had crushes, had felt butterflies, but this was something else, something stronger and darker. I desired him, perhaps even…loved him. I couldn’t be sure. Not now, not when my life was in upheaval and choices weren’t my own. Could love be born out of captivity? Wasn’t it something that could only thrive in freedom?
Growl didn’t turn again as he strode toward the door and left. The fire in my belly died as if someone had killed it with water. I pulled the blankets up to my chin. I’d never known that loneliness came with a sensation like icy dew covering my skin. Cold. I felt cold. I felt still tender between my legs from Growl, but the rest of me was nothing. This ache between my legs was all that reminded me of Growl. Soon, if…when our plan was successful and we were all safe, what would happen to me? To Growl and me? He struggled with emotions. Most of the time I wasn’t even sure if he could even understand them. Perhaps for him they were what letters were to people with dyslexia. But couldn’t those people learn to live with their limitation, and learn to read and write despite it. So why couldn’t Growl learn emotions. He had already come a long way from when we first met. Perhaps emotions were foreign to him, like passion had been to me, but it didn’t always have to be like that. Growl had taught me passion, had given me no choice but to surrender myself to it. Was I foolish to hope I could teach him emotions as he’d taught me desire and passion?
Perhaps you have already, a meek voice whispered in my head. Perhaps. And perhaps it wasn’t enough.
My eyes were drawn to the skyline of Las Vegas. He’d moved to this place for me. For whatever reason he’d turned his life upside down for me. The next few weeks would tell. If our plan to get revenge went wrong, nothing mattered anymore. Least of all my emotions. Soon everything would be decided.
Growl
“Falcone won’t tell me where your sister is and I think he’s growing suspicious of my interest. And negotiations with New York don’t seem to be going very well, which could mean that Falcone won’t need your mother’s help much longer. We can’t wait very long,” Growl said a few days later as he came back to the apartment from doing whatever Falcone asked him to do. Coco and Bandit welcomed him, wagging their tails wildly.
If Falcone didn’t needed mother’s help anymore, he’d probably get rid of her. “But what can we do if we don’t even know where my sister is? We can’t get revenge as long as she’s not safe.”
“I will get the information out of Falcone, don’t worry. We’ll kidnap him and I’ll make him talk. Once I know where your sister is, I will kill Falcone, and will come to New York with your sister.”
“What about me and my mother?”
“You will leave right after I have Falcone in my hands. I don’t want you in town when I’m dealing with Falcone. We’ll all meet up in New York.”
I shook my head. “I won’t leave without my sister. What if something goes wrong and we can’t free her? I want to be there to make sure everything is okay.”
“You can’t help. You’ll only be a liability because I’ll have to keep an eye on you, too, and won’t be able to fight as freely as I’d usually do.”
“Do you think there will be fighting?”
Growl laughed humorlessly. “Falcone is never without bodyguards, and I suppose your sister will be guarded as well. I will have to kill anyone who gets in my way. We can’t let anyone survive. They might give something away. We can’t risk that.”
“So we’ll drive to Falcone’s house and kidnap him?”
“He usually meets with me once a week to give me new jobs. That’s the best day to attack. He will expect me, so he won’t grow suspicious. I’ll take him to a safe place, get the information we need and kill him. Then I’ll get your sister.”
“I told you I won’t drive ahead. I will stay as long as it takes for all of us to be safe and Falcone to be dead.”
Growl didn’t say anything. Perhaps he hoped he could convince me.
“And I need to talk to my mother. She needs to know what we’ve planned.”
Growl shook his head. “No. She might give something away by accident. She doesn’t need to know.” He paused. “Cara, I really want you to drive ahead with your mother. You shouldn’t be in Las Vegas a minute longer than necessary.
“No!” I cried. “I want to be there. I want revenge more than you do. Shouldn’t I be there when it happens?”
Growl touched my cheek. “Are you sure you want that? It’ll change you, believe me. Having blood on your hands changes everything.”
“My life changed when Falcone killed my father, seeing Falcone die for his sin will only make things better.”
Growl nodded. “Okay. But when things get dangerous, you’ll have to listen to my commands. If I’ll tell you to run, you’ll run, and you won’t hesitate or argue. Understood?”
“Understood.” I moved closer to him and put my hand against his chest. “I can’t believe you’re really doing this.”
“I promised. I will do this for you, and perhaps then you can forgive me.”
“Forgive you,” I whispered. But he silenced me with a kiss and led me into the bedroom.
Growl’s eyes were closed. He wasn’t asleep though. Not that I knew how he looked when he was actually asleep since he never let me be anywhere close when he was that vulnerable. But whenever he got this close to sleep, he’d send me away or he’d leave if he was in my bedroom. I scooted to the edge of the bed and untangled myself from the blankets. I’d stayed for far too long already. My eyes were growing heavy. I didn’t want to be woken and sent away by Growl later. It was easier this way, when going away seemed like her choice and not a result of his incapability or unwillingness to share a bed with me, to give me more closeness than was absolutely necessary. It was ridiculous how this small semblance of choice made me feel better.
Her feet hit the cold floor and a familiar shiver raced down her spine. This time I didn’t allow herself to perch on the edge of the bed. I stood. I hadn’t even moved away a single step when a strong palm wrapped around her wrist. “Stay,” came the rough command.
I froze, my gaze darting toward Growl. He was still sprawled out on the bed, his eyes still closed. Nothing in his demeanor had changed, and if it wasn’t for his hand holding onto me tight, I’d have convinced herself that I’d imagined the word.
I didn’t dwell on the fact why he’d changed his mind. I slipped back under the covers and only when I lay beside him, did Growl let go of my wrist. “Why?” I asked softly. He stayed on his back, didn’t reach for me, and I didn’t try to snuggle up to him. It would have been too much. This, inviting me to stay the night, was already a huge step, I knew that. “Don’t ask,” he rumbled.
Growl extinguished the lights and darkness fell over us. I hardly dared to breath, much less move, acutely aware that Growl was probably listening to her every sound. Was I intruding? Was he already regretting that one word?
I pushed the thoughts away. And then when I least expected it, Growl put his hand against my back. A light touch but enough. Another step in the right direction. The sound of his unchanging breathing in the background and the feel of his palm lightly touching my back, I slowly drifted away.
