in renting,” Elena declared.
Helen rolled her eyes. “Renting isn’t like the Tooth Fairy. It’s a real, tangible thing. You can’t not believe in it.”
Elena rolled her eyes right back. “Obviously he knows it’s real. Don’t be purposely obtuse.”
“Don’t be purposely classist,” Helen tossed back.
I took a bite of my sandwich, wondering how Elena and Helen were going to survive another year of living together when they couldn’t even get through a meal in the dining hall without going at it. Although, I wasn’t sure either of them would like me once I told them Amir and I were together. I’d put it off for another week, but the end was almost here. I’d give myself this weekend, then I’d tell them.
“It’s my dad, not me,” Elena groaned. “And I had a point of bringing that up.”
“What? What’s your point?” Helen challenged.
Elena wagged a perfectly manicured finger at her. “My point is, I mentioned to my father that I wanted to start to look at houses for the three of us to live in. He balked at first, then came back with the idea of investing in rental properties near campus.”
Helen’s face flushed. Her red lips parted. “So, your dad is buying you a house?”
“He plans on buying a few as investments. We’ll live in one. It’s honestly very cool. My dad won’t be a slumlord or anything, and he’s agreed to allow me to help fix up a few of them.”
Helen snorted. “You’re going to do manual labor?”
Elena held her hands out. “Look at these nails. Are these the nails of someone who does manual labor? No. I’ll be designing the improvements.”
“I think it’s a great idea,” I interjected. The two of them could go back and forth forever, and while they amused me, Amir was picking me up in a half hour, so I couldn’t sit here with them all night. He was already impatient enough to get me. I’d just texted him I was still at dinner and he sent me a scowling emoji back.
“I don’t think college students need designs,” Helen drawled.
Elena arched a brow. “Oh? So I should just let the contractor choose the new tiles for the bathrooms? And the cabinets in the kitchen?” She snapped her fingers. “One second, those sound like design choices, which I will make. What’s your problem? I told you we’d pay equitably. I don’t get why you wouldn’t want to have a nice place to live.”
Helen started to say something else, but my attention was pulled away when someone took the empty seat beside me. Cold dread pooled in my stomach and spread through my veins like ice.
“Can we talk?”
Elliott Schiffer had his arm draped around the back of my chair and was leaning into me, creating a false intimacy between us.
“Hey.” I leaned back, hitting Helen’s shoulder. “How are you?”
His brow furrowed. “Forget me. I’m worried about you. Are you okay?”
I hadn’t heard a peep from Elliott since he’d offered me up as a human sacrifice. Not a text or call. Nothing. And that was good, because I had no doubt Amir would follow through on his threats and eviscerate Elliott if he caught him even looking at me.
“I’m fine. You should go, though.”
“I miss you, Zadie. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I realize what a good thing you and I had and—”
I frowned at him. “We barely kissed. I’m pretty certain you don’t know my last name or where I grew up. I don’t know—”
“I know your last name is Night.” His eyes shifted to the side, then back. “I don’t remember where you grew up, if you ever told me, but we can get to know each other. How much longer do you have to do this thing with him?”
He brought his hand up from my chair to graze my shoulder. I shivered, the dread in my belly turning to revulsion. I tried to pull away more, but since Helen was beside me, I had nowhere to go.
It didn’t matter anyway.
One second Elliott was looking at me with sad, puppy-dog eyes. The next, his head was slammed down on the table.
Amir had arrived.
I jumped up with a yelp, my chair clattering to the ground behind me.
“The fuck, Schiffer?” Amir leaned over him, pressing his reddened face against the table. “You have short-term memory? What did I say?”
“I was checking on her,” Elliott screeched. “Making sure you haven’t hurt her!”
Amir’s head whipped to mine. “You, don’t move.”
I held my hands up, pleading for him to listen. “Amir, he didn’t—”
He snapped his fingers at me. “Need you to be quiet, mama. We’ll talk after I deal with this asshole.”
Helen and Elena surrounded me, both laid hands on my shoulders. Amir grabbed Elliott by the scruff, hauling him from his chair. Elliott barely put up a fight, allowing himself to be shoved several feet away.
Amir jabbed the air. “No more warnings. If I see you near my girl again, I will follow through on all my promises. Reno won’t be happy with your shit, and you don’t even wanna know what happens when he isn’t happy.”
Elliott bowed over and over as he backed toward the door. The dining hall had gone quiet. It felt like a hundred pairs of eyes were on me, though they were most likely looking at Amir and Elliott.
As soon as Elliott was out the door, Amir stalked toward me with his hand out.
“Come on. Time to go.”
Helen was rigid beside me, her arm like an iron band around my shoulder. “She’s not going anywhere with you. I’m not afraid of you or your woman-beating brother.”
Amir tipped his chin, his eyes only for me. “You gonna correct her, Zadie?”
My chin was trembling. I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I didn’t quite know what to say to any of them. I wanted Amir, but I hated this. I couldn’t lose my friends. I was supposed to have the weekend to prepare. I wasn’t prepared!
“Your deal is null and void,” Elena added. “Now, shoo, weirdo.”
Helen laughed under her breath, and I almost did too, but only because it was absolutely absurd to hear Elena call Amir a weirdo. Like we were kids. Like he wasn’t dangerous. Like he wasn’t the villain who rarely went anywhere unarmed.
Amir shook his hand at me. “Right now, Zadie. Come.”
Helen shoved me behind her, getting in Amir’s face. “Dude, catch a clue. Zadie only agreed to be your little slave because she wanted protection from her stalker. She doesn’t like you, she just knows you’re demented enough to kill anyone who would deign to threaten something or someone you own.”
“Helen, no—”
Elena clasped my hand, holding me back. Helen wasn’t listening to me anyway. She had her own reasons to be angry with Amir. Mine were just the tip of the iceberg.
“Whatever you think is going on between the two of you isn’t real. She’s hanging around you for one thing, and one thing only: protection. That was always the point. But she doesn’t need you. She’s got me, Elena, Theo, Lock. We have her back. So you can crawl back into your fucking hole, dude. You’re nothing. A girl like Zadie would never be with trash like you.”
Amir’s eyes were on me the entire time Helen spoke. I shook my head, but I still couldn’t form words. I just couldn’t force them out. Because what she was saying wasn’t entirely untrue, but it also wasn’t true at all.
“Zadie?” Fury filled every cell of Amir’s body and overflowed, rising into the air around him like smoke. Jaw clenched tight, hands fisted, legs spread wide, he looked like he was prepared for battle.
Helen pushed forward. “Did you not hear me? Get over yourself. Zadie does not need you. If she had told us what was going on from the very beginning, she never would have come near you. Get out of here.”
Without another word, Amir spun on his toe and stormed out of the dining hall. I found my voice when he pulled open the door.
I shook Elena’s hand off. “I need to go after him.”
Helen tried to stop me, but I tore my hand away and marched forward, my short legs moving at a panicked clip.
Pushing outside, my heart was lodged in my throat. Amir was across the courtyard, his long legs carrying him faster than I could catch. Sucking in a breath, I yelled for him.
“Amir!”
His feet came to a stop. I darted for him, and he turned when I was halfway there. The furious expression he wore drew me up short. He wasn’t just mad at Helen, he was mad at me.
“Tell me you’re not with me for protection,” he barked. “Tell me that was a lie.”
“I’m with you because I like you.” I took a step toward him. “I like you so much.”
“You’re not answering my question, Zadie.” His head cocked. “Why were you at that party?”
“Amir…” Oh, why did he have to ask me that?
“Just fucking answer me. Tell me now how deep the deceit runs.”
I sucked in a breath, hoping he would listen. “I came to the party hoping I would see you. I didn’t know what Elliott was planning on doing, and I didn’t have a plan other than putting myself in your orbit.”
“Was that kid your boyfriend?”
I shook my head. “I told you he wasn’t. I told you that from the very start.”
He scrubbed the scruff on his jaw. “And I didn’t listen. Goddammit, Zadie. Why? You could have straight up asked me. You didn’t have to—” He cut himself off, shaking his head with an expression of disgust. “You fucked me so I’d keep you longer?”
Something inside me crumpled. In all the times Amir had been mean to me, he’d never made me feel like this. Like I was disposable or a piece of gum attached to his shoe.
“No,” I replied miserably. “How could you ask me that?”
He pounded his chest. “I’m the one who was deceived here. Don’t act all injured. I don’t even know you. I thought you were my sweet girl. My honest girl. And it’s all a lie. No wonder you didn’t want to tell anyone about us. None of it’s real to you, is it? You’ll ride my dick as long as I protect you?”
Tears welled in my eyes. Not from what he was saying, but from the place I knew those words were coming from. I’d hurt him. My dishonesty had brought us here, and I couldn’t stand the injured look on his face.
“It was an excuse!” I cried.
He went still, peering at me from narrowed eyes. “What does that mean?”
I licked my dry lips and let loose everything I’d been holding back. “It means I haven’t stopped thinking about you since you left my suite almost half a year ago. I saw you three times on campus, and each time, you looked right through me like I didn’t exist. When I started getting those poems, I was scared. I was really, really terrified. And I remembered your promise.”
Whatever we are to each other when I walk out of your door, you’ll tell me if this guy comes back.
I slapped my hair out of my face. “Of course I remembered your promise. I remember everything about that night. You let your brother hurt my friend, and yet…I wanted you. I knew you didn’t want me, but I thought if maybe you were protecting me like you said you would, you’d really see me again like you did that night and maybe you’d want me too. So, it was an excuse. All of it. It was an excuse to see you, to be near you. And that’s it. I manipulated everything so I could spend time with you.”
I laid myself on his altar. Sacrificed my pride for the truth. I would never want Amir to think I was using him as a shield. He was so much more than that, and those blossoming feelings I’d had at the start had bloomed into something so huge and bright, he’d had to be blind not to see. Even if he was blind, he had to feel the way I was so obviously into him. I’d never tried to hide it.
Amir stared at me. He stared and stared, his chest heaving like he’d sprinted for a mile straight. He opened his mouth a couple times to speak but shook his head and closed it again.
Finally, he raked his hand through the side of his hair and nodded to the ground. “I gotta think. Go find your friends, Zadie.”
I was rooted to my spot. He lifted his head, his brow pinched tight. “Go, Zadie. Get out of here.”
As much as I didn’t want to, I knew I had to give him this. If he needed time to think this over or forgive me, I’d let him have it.
“I’m really sorry I wasn’t truthful. I hope this isn’t the end.” I spun around and stumbled back to the dining hall. Elena and Helen were waiting for me outside the doors. They must have heard the whole thing, since Amir and I hadn’t exactly been quiet
I thought they’d hate me and shut me out, but as soon as I was within reach, they both enfolded me in their arms and guided me back to our suite. They didn’t make demands for explanations, though I sensed that was coming.
In our suite, Elena pushed me down on the love seat, and Helen went to the kitchen to get drinks. She came back with three glasses of the sangria Elena’s mother had had delivered to us a few days ago, thrusting the fullest one into my trembling hands. I took a sip, then a longer pull. A much longer pull.
Helen rubbed my arm. “It’s time to talk, girlie.”
I set my glass on the coffee table and accepted my fate. I’d been flying too close to the sun for too long. This burn had been inevitable.
“Amir and I have been officially together for a couple weeks.”
Helen didn’t flinch. Elena made a sour face, but she stayed quiet.
“I lied to you, and I’m really sorry. The night he was holding me as collateral, things happened between us, and I…well, I was mad he was complicit in what happened to you, Hells. So mad. And I get that me being with him now makes me disloyal to you. If you tell me you can’t be friends with me anymore if I continue seeing him, I’ll—”
She touched my arm. “Don’t finish that sentence. I don’t want to know what you would have said. I won’t tell you not to see him, but, dude, I need to know you’re fully aware of who he is.”
“He’s a criminal,” Elena said dryly. “That’s who he is.”
Helen kicked back beside me, staring Elena down. “I hate to agree with Elena, but yeah. Amir is a criminal. His brother is a monster. You have no business getting mixed up in that world.”
I chewed on my bottom lip to stop my knee-jerk desire to jump to his defense. “I went in with my eyes open. I’ve spent months thinking about him, about why I had feelings for him and how to deal with them. When I started getting the poems, I thought about Amir. Not that he’d sent them, but how safe I’d felt when he’d held me that night. Which is crazy, right? Because he had a gun, he forced me to stay, but it’s just how I felt. How I still feel. So, I used that as an excuse to seek him out.”
Elena shook her head. “I’m not happy you lied straight to my face.”
My lungs burned with shame, radiating through my entire chest and up my throat. It was the worst feeling. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t a liar.
“I’m really, really sorry.” I clasped my hands together in my lap, my head bowed. “I don’t know what else to say except I haven’t had friends in a long time. I didn’t want to lose you guys.”
Helen nudged my foot with hers. “Jesus, girlie, you’re not going to lose us. But lying and hiding something as big as Amir Vasquez being your boyfriend isn’t cool. I hear you, you get that, but I might need to be mad for an hour or two.”
Elena sniffed. “More like a day or two.” Then her eyes narrowed. “You know that dude showed up tonight so you couldn’t deny him.”
I scrunched my nose. “Amir?”
She nodded. “Yes, Amir. He walked into the dining hall to stake his claim. I’m going to guess you were surprised he showed up.”
So much had happened, it hadn’t even occurred to me. Amir had been supposed to pick me up in front of the dorm, but he’d known I was having dinner in the dining hall. He had forced the issue, and here we were.
The truth was out, but I didn’t know if he’d ever look at me again. On that thought, I drained half of my sangria and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
“He wasn’t happy I was keeping him from you,” I told them.
Helen studied me for a long beat. “He really treats you right?”
I nodded. “We started out rocky because of how things ended last time. But he…yes, he’s really so good to me. I don’t know how to explain it, but I have never been comfortable with another man the way I am with him.”
Elena popped a brow. “And the sex is amazing.”
I giggled softly. “It is.”
“Tramp.” She rolled her eyes, but I knew Elena now and understood she was being affectionate in her own twisted way.
Helen clicked her tongue. “I really don’t like you being in that world, Z.”
“Helen,” I admonished gently, “the first day I met you, you took me with you to collect drug money. I think you, of all people, should allow me and Amir both some grace.”
She flinched at the reminder. “I shouldn’t have brought you along. I own that. But I was dealing out of desperation. What’s Amir’s excuse?”
My brows fell heavy over my eyes. “What do you mean? I…um…”
Elena sat forward, looking at Helen. “She doesn’t know.”
Helen frowned at me. “Hasn’t Amir told you about his family? I mean, besides his woman-beating brother.”
I shook my head. “No. I know his uncle owned the warehouses and left them to Reno, but I guess I thought he grew up like you.”
Elena snorted. “Nope. I didn’t know Amir in high school, but Miguel Vasquez has served as part of my father’s legal team for years. And his mother, Dr. Farrah Abadir, has worked on half the faces in Savage River, my mother included.”
My mouth fell open in shock. Why hadn’t I asked about his background? Why had I assumed he did what he did because he had to? I felt so stupid.
Helen folded her arms. “Your boy’s family is rich-rich. A plastic surgeon mommy and a lawyer daddy, and their two boys are living a life of crime. They must be proud.”
“I didn’t know,” I whispered.
Helen knocked my foot again. “I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you, dude.”
My stomach churned the same way it had when I’d rode the Ol’ Yeller roller coaster three times in a row at the Oregon State Fair when I was twelve. I had to swallow again and again to keep bile from rising.
“It’s good you did. It feels like everything is out there now.” I gave her a weak smile. “Can we talk more later? I kind of want to bury my head under my covers for a little while.”
They let me go, and even though things weren’t quite back to normal, I was pretty certain I wasn’t going to lose them. Not if I kept being honest with them.
Phone clutched in my hand, I pulled my covers up to my chin. Every night when Amir dropped me off, I always texted him a picture of me. If I didn’t do it within a minute or two of me leaving him, he’d call. My chest pinched with the knowledge he wasn’t going to call tonight. He might not call me again.
I wouldn’t be the one to give up, though.
I took a picture of myself and texted him.
Me: I’m home, thinking about you. Wishing we could talk, but I understand you need space, so I’ll give it to you. Xoxo.
I fell asleep waiting for his reply.
I dreamed he came and we danced on the beach. Even in my dream, I was sad and clung to him so he couldn’t walk away. My ringing phone pulled me away from the feel of his hands on my hips. I tried so hard to stay, but my eyes fluttered open, and I was back, alone in my room.
My phone was next to me in bed, my mom’s name on the screen. It was already ten in the morning. I’d crashed early last night and had slept hard.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Hey, baby. Did I wake you up?”
“Mmm. Sort of, but that’s okay. I’m being a bum.”
She chuckled. “Well, now’s the time to be a bum, before real life starts. Although, you know I’m still a big fan of lazy Sundays.”
I smiled despite the misery weighing on my chest. “Where do you think I get it from?”
“I taught you well. As we speak, Max and I are bumming on the sofa. Eli hasn’t emerged from his room yet. He’s got another hour before we drag him out.”
I gasped. “He’s a growing boy. You have to let him sleep until at least noon.”
“Eleven is my limit.”
“How’s Max?”
“He’s okay. We’re getting through.” The phone became muffled, but I still heard Mom telling her husband I was asking about him. Then she came back. “Max says if you worry about him for longer than a minute a day, he’ll ground you. I’m not sure he has the authority to do that, but he seems pretty adamant.”
“Tell Max we’ll discuss this when I visit you next.”
She cleared her throat. “There was a reason for this call, baby.”
At the switch in her tone, I sat up, swinging my legs over the side of my bed. “Yes?”
“I finally got answers from Officer Ryder about Drew. He made some calls, including to Drew’s parents. They didn’t want to tell him anything, and it took a few conversations before they finally admitted his whereabouts.”
My nails dug into my knees as my heart thrashed. “Is he here?”
“No, he’s not. Drew was admitted to a mental health facility ninety days ago. It’s a long-term treatment program. They didn’t tell Ryder his full diagnosis, but they admitted Drew had a bad psychosis episode and harmed himself severely. He…um, tried to end his life with his father’s table saw and lost a hand. I don’t know if it makes you feel better to know he isn’t the one who has been sending you—”
She kept speaking, but I had folded in at the news of what Drew had done to himself. I’d been angry at him for so long for what he’d put me through, but I couldn’t help the rapid rush of sympathy that punched me in the gut. What kind of mental state had he been in to use a table saw on himself? And to lose a hand?
“Zadie? Zadie? Honey, are you there?”
Tears dripped down my cheeks. Oh god, what had he done to himself? Even if he got the help he needed, he’d never ever be the same.
The phone was taken from me, then Amir was in front of me, crouching down, wiping the tears from my face. He spoke to my mom, telling her I was okay, he had me, listening to her for a minute before he said goodbye.
He placed the phone on my nightstand, then urged me to lie down. He stretched out next to me, pulling me into his arms. I didn’t know what this meant, why he was here, but my thoughts were too filled with the tragedy that was Drew to try to figure it out.
Amir stroked my hair and held me. He didn’t speak or rush me. He gave me exactly what I needed.
And I thought, this was what Helen and Elena didn’t see. They didn’t know he could be like this. I loved that this side of him was solely mine, but a little part of me wished they could see so they would understand.
“I’m okay.” I lifted my head from his chest, taking in his tired eyes and the frown lines around his mouth. “It isn’t Drew.”
He barely moved, only the slightest tip of his chin. “Felicity told me. Fucking awful.”
“Yeah.” Shuddering, I let my gaze trail over his unhappy face again. “What are you doing here?”
His frown deepened. “Did you think I’d really stay away?”
“I hoped you wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t have blamed you.”
He pushed my curls off my face and cupped my jaw. “I was so…” His jaw clenched and unclenched. “I was going to say angry, but that’s not it. Disappointed is more what I felt.”
I flattened my palm over his heart. “I understand.”
“You don’t.” He rubbed his thumb along the underside of my mouth. “I was disappointed because of my ego. Once I had some space, gave myself a chance to really take in what you’d said, I got pissed.” When I opened my mouth to apologize once again, he pressed a finger over my lips. “I got pissed at myself for walking away from you the first time. For saying ugly shit to you I didn’t mean because you called me out on something I wasn’t proud of.”
“You mean telling Reno where Helen was?”
His eyelids lowered. “Mmhmm. I told him that to appease him. So he didn’t go apeshit and make good on all his threats. I was stupid not to think he’d go there. And maybe I didn’t give enough of a shit about what would happen if he did. So, when you, the pretty, sweet, sexy as hell little angel, called me out, I reacted because you were right. And I. Did. Not. Like. That.”
“And now?”
“And now, I’m gonna say thank you for pushing me. You looked past the ugly I showed you. I don’t know why, but I’m not gonna question it because I don’t want you rethinking me.” He pushed the strap of my tank top down and pulled me close to touch his lips to my shoulder. “You were never with that asshole?”
I shook my head. “I told you I wasn’t. I heard him talking about your brother’s parties and I suggested he take me. I thought you would probably be there.”
Amir’s frown shattered and re-formed as a grin. Low laughs vibrated his chest. “You really are devious, aren’t you, mama? I like that you have that in you.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m just lucky my very poorly thought-out plan worked out.”
He took my face in both hands. “You thought I didn’t want you, but I couldn’t want you. Not after I left you in your bed. Do you see that? You’re still too good for me, but I’m way too weak to give you up now.”
Grabbing his hand, I brought it to my mouth and bit down hard on his fingertip. He stared at me, nostrils flaring, but he didn’t jerk away. “Stop saying you’re not good enough. You’re insulting me because I chose you.”
His mouth quirked. “No one’s perfect. You’re close, but you have fucking terrible taste in men. You said yourself you like guys who will likely wind up in jail.”
I snarled at him. “Please don’t joke about that.”
“What? That I might end up in jail? You know what I do.”
“I do. I just don’t know why you do it. I thought I did, but I was wrong.”
His brows pulled together. “What’s that mean?”
“It means I naively thought you were like Helen. Doing what needed to be done to rise above what you were born into. But that isn’t you. Helen told me. She told me who your parents are. I don’t know why I never asked you about them. I guess I thought you’d tell me if you wanted to.”
His jaw hardened. “I wouldn’t have. I don’t talk about them.”
“Okay. You don’t have to,” I rushed out. “But tell me why you’re working for Reno. Please?”
Sighing, he threaded his fingers in my hair, then brought my head down until our foreheads met. “It’s my brother, mama. Maybe you don’t get that because your brother didn’t come along until you were already grown, but there’s no breaking that bond. He needs me, so I’m there.”
This was the first time we’d talked about what he did for Reno. Like I’d assumed he’d grown up poor, I also assumed there was an end date to his job. Maybe even an end date to his relationship with his brother. Or maybe I’d just buried my head in the sand because it was easier than facing the real answers.
“He’s going to need you forever?” I asked.
Amir tipped my head back. “He’s always my brother. Even when he’s a piece of shit. That’s not changing. Will I always work for him? If that’s what you’re asking, then no. I won’t. But that comes later, after I graduate.”
“Another year,” I murmured.
“Now you know, but nothing’s changed for you, Zadie. Nothing between us will be any different except now all our secrets are out in the open. What I do for Reno is separate. It won’t touch you. It won’t touch us. I need you to hear that, because I’m not going to discuss it with you. It won’t be up for discussion ever again.”
His hands in my hair were gentle, his words delicate and soft, but his message was unyielding. When it came to Reno, Amir was and always would be an unmovable brick wall. If I pushed, he wouldn’t be happy.
My relief at having him back, at being forgiven, overrode the screaming protests in my mind.
“If you get arrested, that affects me.”
His eyes bored into mine. “I’m not getting arrested. I’ve been doing this too long. I know how to be safe and keep the important people in my life clean and away from all of it. I’m not giving you up, so you need to accept this is the way it’s going to be. I will bend and discuss and maybe even compromise on occasion, but not about this.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
I let it go, and I let Amir back in. I might regret it one day, but on this day, I was too relieved he came back to me to feel anything else.
