As soon as I entered Caleb’s apartment, I noticed the quiet. If Caleb came home early, I’d usually hear him moving around, followed by the smell of burned toast lingering in the air. He always cranked the toaster dial higher than necessary when he wasn’t paying attention. But there was no scent of food as I headed to the kitchen. I wanted to tell him that I was moving out tomorrow before I started packing my things.
A movement on the balcony had me reaching automatically for my pocketknife. There was little moonlight, and I strained my eyes to see who it was.
Opening the french doors, I stepped out into the night air.
Caleb was sitting in the dark, elbows on his knees, head lowered like he was grieving.
I knew something had happened. Something bad.
I’d never seen him so subdued, so alone.
“Caleb?”
The only acknowledgment he gave me was a slight movement of his head.
Slowly, I approached him. This was the first time I’d willingly sought him out after weeks of avoiding him. My eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I could see him clearly now. I hadn’t seen his face up close in so long that the sight of it hit me like a punch. Even in sadness, he was strikingly handsome, and I couldn’t help admiring his beauty.
“Do you want to be alone?” I asked softly.
It was a moment before he responded. “No.”
Other than the bench he was sitting on, the balcony was empty. It was clear he didn’t usually spend much time out here. I sat beside him quietly, waiting for him to give me a sign, anything, so I’d know what to do.
“My parents are getting a divorce,” he said after a while. His voice was detached, as if he’d just asked me to pass the salt.
There was nothing I could say to make it better. Slowly, I reached for Caleb’s hand, holding it in mine. If I could give him anything, it was my presence at this moment. His hand was as cold as mine was warm, as big as mine was small. I used both my hands to rub warmth into his hand. I glanced at his face. I could see how sadness was pulling down the corners of his eyes. His jaw was tight, his lips pulled back in a disapproving curve.
“I was expecting it. For a long while now, actually.” He whispered so softly that I had to lean toward him to hear.
“He had other women. He cheated on my mother so many times, but she stuck by him. She didn’t believe in divorce. She was crying when I saw her today. I could barely get her out of bed to eat something.”
His hand fisted in a tight ball as his anger surfaced. I knew he was barely holding it back.
“I fucking hate him. I want to kill him.”
“You could,” I replied softly. “But what purpose would that serve? I’ve always wondered why life chooses certain people to punish.”
I felt his green eyes on me, but I looked out into the night.
“No matter how much you want to protect the people you love, Caleb, you can’t. You can only be there for them. You can’t choose their path because it is theirs alone. It’s their fight, not yours.”
There were no stars in the sky. The city was too bright, with its skyscrapers and gaudy blinking neon signs obliterating their light.
I took a deep breath and continued. “I’ve learned to accept that it’s not my fault when bad things happen to me or to the people I love. It’s just the way life is. It’s not fair. If you’re one of the unlucky ones, then fight. Be stronger. Be stronger because you have no choice. Be stronger than you are right now because if you’re not, life will swallow you up and spit you out. And then you’ll die with a broken heart.”
Just like my mom.
I knew I sounded cynical, but life had made me tough. When I shifted my eyes to his face, he was watching me. Even in the dark, his eyes looked fierce as they searched mine.
“Stop brooding, Caleb. Fight back.” I smiled at him, squeezing his hand. “Give me back your smiles because there is something wrong with the universe without them.”
His eyes flashed with surprise, and I blushed, not having meant to tell him that. But it seemed like the night for confessions in the dark.
The truth was that I missed him. I felt the loss of his presence more evidently now that he was in front of me. It was harder to deny the truth, impossible even, when his complete attention was on me.
He smiled.
I rose from the seat, smiling back at him. “Pancakes?” I asked.
His eyes were tender as he looked at me. He unfolded his long body from the seat and stood facing me.
I held my breath, looking up at him as he stood close.
“Thank you, Red,” he whispered warmly. His voice felt like a caress.
I nodded. My chest felt tight, and I had no idea what my face was showing so I turned away, walking to the kitchen.
There was a hitch in my stride when I felt his hand reach for mine, interlacing my fingers with his. I looked down at our joined hands, my heart stuttering at the feel of his skin. I shifted my eyes to his, and he was smiling. His eyes soft and vulnerable.
“Don’t let go of my hand, Red,” he said as he walked us out of the apartment.
“What about pancakes?” I asked, confused.
“Pancakes means holding your hand and walking on the beach right now.”
There was another stutter in my heart, this time stronger.
He looked over his shoulder at me when I didn’t respond and grinned as we rode the elevator to the basement garage. Before I could reach for the car door, he was there, opening it for me.
“Ready?” he asked as we fastened our seat belts. The twinkle in his eyes was back.
“Ready,” I answered.
Without hesitation, he reached for my hand again and rested our intertwined hands on the middle console.
The beach was a good half-hour drive from Caleb’s place. We drove there with our windows open, the wind blowing my long hair. It was dark, the roads free of traffic.
I felt excited, energized, and at the same time Caleb’s hand in mine calmed my anxious mind.
He threw me a glance, his thumb stroking my palm.
“I’m glad you’re here with me, Red.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. No one had said that to me before. I turned my gaze out the window so he wouldn’t see how much his words had affected me.
Tonight I was seeing a side of Caleb I hadn’t encountered before. I didn’t know what to think of it, or maybe I did but refused to think about it.
All I knew was that I liked this boy as I had never liked anyone before.
He parked his car in front of the lakeside shops that had already closed for the night. We took off our shoes, then walked on the beach, the white sand cool as our feet dug into it.
The wind was a little chilly, and I wrapped my arms around my middle to ward off the cold. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Caleb shrug out of his jacket.
“Here,” he said, placing it on my shoulders.
“What about you?”
“Just hold my hand. You warm me up.”
But he was the one who warmed me up inside as his hand reached for mine again, pulling me close to his side as we walked.
“I knew you were avoiding me,” he began after a moment. His voice held no resentment, only understanding. That surprised me. “I knew you didn’t want anything to do with me the past few weeks, but I thought about you. Actually,” he corrected, his voice deepening. “I think I’m a little obsessed.”
He sighed when I didn’t respond as quickly as he may have expected. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was forcing you to do something you didn’t like.”
I walked beside him for a moment, listening to the sound of the waves before I answered. “I’m sorry I said that. It’s not that, really… You confuse me, Caleb.”
I knew he was waiting for me to say something more, to explain, but the words were stuck in my throat.
“Sometimes I think you’re a very sad girl, Red.”
He was more observant than I’d given him credit for. Because he was right, I realized. I had been sad for a long, long time. I had been starved for love and affection for so long that I’d forgotten what it felt like. I had refused to let anyone in, afraid to be hurt again. But this boy holding my hand was stripping me of my armor bit by bit.
It scared me.
“All I could think about was how to make you smile again. Not the fake ones you give to people to be polite. I want your real smile, where your eyes light up and your lips stretch up to your ears.”
My ears were ringing. What was he trying to say?
“You confuse me,” I repeated. “I-I don’t know what you want.”
He stopped suddenly, and I had to turn around to face him.
“Don’t you?” he asked solemnly, directly.
His eyes were burning with emotion. I looked away.
Who was this boy? This intense, serious boy who looked at me as if he could see my soul.
“I-I’m not ready, Caleb.”
He nodded. “That’s okay. I’ve been waiting for you to come along for a long time now. I think I can wait some more.”
“Don’t you think this is too fast?”
“The thing is, I’ve made up my mind. And my mind says it’s you. If I’d just met you today, I would still want you today, tomorrow, five days from now…” His voice trailed off, and I was scared he was going to say forever or some ridiculous thing like that.
I didn’t believe in forever. Forever was for people who believed in fairy tales. And I never had.
“You’re scaring me.”
He let out a quiet laugh. “I know. You just have to endure it.” He paused. “After all, how could you give up a handsome boy like me?”
And the usual Caleb was back.
“But you have to promise me something,” I said.
“What is it?”
“Don’t kiss me.”
He did that thing again where he angled his head and studied me. I squirmed.
“You’re afraid of my kisses.” It wasn’t a question. “You’re afraid of how they make you feel.”
I swallowed a chunk of cowardice that was lodged in my throat. Of course, he was right. How could he know what I was feeling before I realized it myself?
“Why promise something when I’d fail miserably?”
“Will you try at least?” I persisted.
“No, Red.”
He looked to the water, sighed, and looked at me.
“I don’t think I could keep from kissing you if I wanted to. It’s not even a choice for me anymore. I need to touch you, to breathe you in. I need to see you look up at me and smile. I need to see you happy…even grumpy or angry, as long as I can see you. I crave everything about you. I crave everything about you a little too much.”
I held my breath as my heart knocked wildly against my chest.
Suddenly he sat on the sand, resting his back on a broken tree trunk and tugging me down with him.
“Lie back on me.”
I had about two seconds before he was pulling me down onto his lap, my back against his chest, my legs encased between his. I was drowning in Caleb.
“Just relax. I won’t kiss you tonight if you really don’t want me to.”
Suddenly, I wanted him to kiss me again.
What was wrong with me? When he was offering it, I didn’t want it, but now faced with the possibility that he wouldn’t kiss me tonight, I suddenly yearned for it.
I shifted in his arms and rested my cheek on his shoulder, inhaling his scent. He stiffened.
“Don’t do that if you don’t want to be kissed tonight. I only have so much control before I—” He cut himself off before he could finish.
“Before you what?” I could hear the smile in my voice. Even to my ears, I sounded…happy.
Caleb couldn’t resist me. Caleb, the gorgeous and charming boy that everyone wanted, couldn’t resist me. Me, someone used to not being wanted. It seemed unreal.
His eyes narrowed. “Are you deliberately provoking me?”
I looked up and saw his serious expression. Before I could tear my gaze away, he cupped my face with his hands and forced me to look at him.
“What do you want, Red?” he whispered, his voice husky.
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Hadn’t he figured out that I’d changed my mind and wanted him to kiss me? Was I not throwing him enough signals?
“Say it, or I won’t do it,” he declared, his eyes mesmerizing me into surrender.
“Kiss me, Caleb.”
I didn’t have to say it twice. His mouth claimed my lips. Gone were the butterfly kisses; gone were the teasing and coaxing. This was a branding. One of his hands was on my back, pushing me against him, while the other plunged into my hair, cupping my head so that he could control the kiss.
I own you, his kiss said. We kissed for a long, long time.
