I don’t know what the hell my problem is.
No matter what I try to do, I can’t manage to stop fucking this up between Isla and I. I know I’m being a real piece of shit, going behind my best friend’s back and fucking around with his little sister. He’ll never forgive me when he knows the truth, but I need to grow some balls and tell him already. Even if it means that he kills me, at least it would be better than this guilty feeling of deceiving him.
It’s all my fault.
I fucked around and got attached. And now that I’ve had her in my arms, I’m not letting her go again.
I just need to find the right time to tell August and after last night, I know that Isla wasn’t happy with the way I responded to him. I should have come clean in that moment, but I panicked and I covered it all up, which I know made her feel like shit. Her little comment didn’t make me feel any better, but I deserved it.
She deserves better.
And August deserves the truth.
Cam walks over to me as he pulls his t-shirt over his head. We just finished practice and I successfully got my ass handed to me. That’s what I get for being distracted. I fucked up during our drills and our coach made me pay for it in sweat and energy.
“You wanna come with us to get some beers?” Cam asks as he drops down onto the bench beside me. I finish shoving my stuff into my hockey bag before turning to look at him.
“Nah.” I shrug and shake my head as I rise to my feet. “I’m going to go home and get a real shower and probably lay low.”
“Since when did you become such a buzzkill?” He snorts, crossing his arms over his chest. “You used to be fun and now it seems like you never want to hang out with the guys anymore.”
Cam’s confession hits me in the chest like a ton of bricks. He’s right. That’s the thing about being a part of a team—it’s almost like a brotherhood. These guys have become family and if he feels like I’ve been neglecting them, who knows how the rest of them are feeling. August hasn’t said anything, but he wouldn’t. He would rather them approach me than get caught in the middle.
“Since he started fucking someone on the low that he refuses to disclose,” August interjects as he rounds the corner and stops in front of us. “Isn’t that right, Knight?”
Grabbing the handle of my bag, I narrow my eyes at him. “Actually, no, that’s not right.”
“Hmm,” he muses, dropping down beside Cam as he tilts his head to the side. “So, where have you been sneaking off to in the middle of the night?”
Oh, fuck… he knows.
Cam looks up at me with curiosity. “What? Okay, this is all making sense now.”
I need to cover this up. If August has noticed my absence, then he knows there is something going on. He just doesn’t know with whom, and given the current situation, I don’t know if it’s best that I drop this bomb on him.
“There really isn’t.” I glue my eyes to August’s. “Since you have to be such an asshole about it, I’ve been having trouble sleeping since I found out that my father wanted to talk.”
It wasn’t entirely a lie. I still haven’t decided if I want to talk to him or not yet, but it’s the only excuse I can come up with right now to get August off my back. The way his face falls instantly makes me feel guilty and I can’t back down now.
“Shit,” he murmurs, hanging his head as Cam purses his lips. “I am an asshole.”
I shake my head in an attempt to make him not feel as guilty, when it’s really me who should be feeling like shit. Just add this to the list of deceitful things I’ve been doing to my best friend and another reason why he’s never going to speak to me again when the truth finally comes out.
“Look,” Cam interjects into our moment, his deep green eyes bouncing back and forth between the two of us. “I know you said you don’t want to go out with us and would rather just go home, but maybe it would be good for you. Like old times. Come hang out with all of us and you can maybe clear your head of all of this shit.”
August looks at me with a glimmer of hope in his eyes. I know Cam is right, but it’s like I’m being torn into two different directions. I want to go home and find Isla. I need to talk to her, to explain once again and attempt to beg for her forgiveness and understanding. But on the other hand, I need time with the boys. It’s been too long and it’s clear that they’re feeling my absence.
“You’re right,” I tell both of them as I roll my bag back into the center of the locker room. “Let me just grab a shower here, then and I’ll go with you guys.”
“Yes!” Cam fist pumps, acting like a little kid who is high on a sugar rush. “It’s been too long. Finally, all the boys are going to be back together.”
August laughs, shoving Cam away as he attempts to hug both of our shoulders and pull us together. “Damn, Logan. You smell like you haven’t washed yourself in weeks.”
“I mean, Coach did just ride him harder than anyone else tonight,” August offers as he pulls out his phone. He absentmindedly scrolls, no doubt attempting to find something about Poppy again. After last night, he kind of settled with the entire thing, but I know that his mind works against him and he’s probably still thinking about her.
He needs this distraction as much as I do.
“Fuck you both,” I say, giving them the middle finger as I grab a clean change of clothes from my bag and head to the shower. “If you guys wanna head out now, I’ll just meet you wherever you end up.”
Cam stands up as August nods. “I’ll go talk to the other guys and August will text you where we’ll be at.” Cam pauses for a moment, narrowing his eyes at me. “You better not bitch out.”
August crosses his arms over his chest and I feel like I’m being scolded by my parents right now with the way they’re both looking at me. “Logan knows better. He’ll show up.”
Rolling my eyes, I head toward the showers and slip inside one of the stalls. As I strip out of my clothes, I pull my phone from my pocket and open up my text messages. Of course there’s nothing from Isla, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave her alone.
Logan: Hey you. Are you going to be home later?
I fold up my clothes and set them on the bench, leaving the message thread open. I watch as the three little dots pop up a few times, each time disappearing as if she’s not sure how to respond or she’s choosing her words carefully. Turning away from it, I turn on the shower and let the water heat up before stepping into it.
As I’m putting some shampoo on my hands, my phone dings as a text message comes through. I quickly run the soap through my hair and scrub my scalp before rinsing it out. I grab a towel and dry my hands before grabbing my phone in haste, my eyes desperately needing to read something from Isla.
Isla: I don’t know yet. Octavia invited me to a party, so I might go out with her.
My jaw clenches. I don’t want her to isolate herself from her friends, except for the one. The one who always seems to get in the fucking way and who wants what is mine.
Logan: Is Silas going to be there?
Isla: Maybe? Does it really matter?
This girl. Of course it matters. I can see why she would think it might not matter to me after last night, but we were both in the wrong. Hell, we’ve both been in the wrong since she moved into our apartment. We just need to come together and figure out a way to rectify the situation together.
Logan: We need to talk.
I watch the bubbles do the same thing, appearing and then disappearing. I wait for a moment, but they don’t come back, almost as if she chose not to respond. A frustrated sigh slips from my lips and my heart pounds erratically in my chest.
Stepping back into the hot water, I grab my washcloth and begin to scrub the sweat from practice from my skin. In this moment, I really regret agreeing to go out with the guys. As much as I want to see them and spend some time with them, I need to talk to Isla. I need things to be okay between us.
I finish washing my body and turn off the shower, with still no response from Isla. I didn’t expect to get this attached to her, even though it was something that had been happening since we were kids. I never really imagined my life without her in it and after I went away to college and had a taste of life without her, I didn’t want that.
I never fully wanted that, but I wanted to give her a chance to find someone else. I should have given her the same chance when she got here. Just because we were living together didn’t mean she had to be with me, but I already knew I couldn’t be without her, especially having her be so close to me.
But now that we’re in this deep, there’s no backing out. There’s no exit or escape route. The only thing we can do is cling to each other as we head straight into the flames of our destruction. I never promised her this would end well, but with whatever happens, I will always keep her safe.
So, when I tell her brother tonight, I will make sure Isla makes it out unscathed.
She isn’t the villain of this story.
I am.
