I’m pretty sure I am close to dead.
The only reason I am still breathing at this point is for the tiny sliver of hope that remains in my shattered life.
My baby.
Every sip of water, every slice of toast Maddie forces me to eat is for the baby, not for me.
I don’t want to be alive.
My mom was right. I am worthless, and no one will love me. I don’t even deserve this child.
After my breakdown at the hospital, I haven’t shed a single tear since. Not one.
I feel nothing.
I curl back into a ball and wrap my arms around my stomach, almost as if I am clinging on to the only part of my life I want.The bed dips as Maddie climbs in, wrapping her arms around me, her warm tears drip on my shoulder.
“Sienna, I know you don’t want to but I really need you to talk to me now. It’s killing me watching you fade away. You haven’t even shown a flicker of emotion since I picked you up from the hospital. Please, Sienna, just give me something. Let me know you are still in there somewhere.”
Tears prick behind my eyes. It’s the first time since he left that I have felt any emotion.
“I don’t know what to do Maddie. How am I supposed to live without him? How could he do this to me?”
Now I’ve started, and I can’t stop. It’s like an explosion of pent-up emotion is erupting through me.
“How am I supposed to take care of a baby when I can’t even get out of bed? How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without him? How am I ever going to be happy again? Tell me. Help me. What should I do?”
My body starts to tremble. Maddie tightens her grip, resting her hand on top of mine, over my belly.
“You will always have me, Sienna. I promise you. I am not going anywhere. I will help you every step of the way. But I need you to help yourself, too. I love you, but I can’t sit here and watch you almost kill yourself.”
A sob shakes my body as the tears finally escape. I can barely breathe as my chest heaves for air.
“I’m so sorry Maddie. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s okay Si. It will all be okay.” She whispers more reassuring things as she strokes my hair, letting me cry my heart out in her embrace.
I cry and cry until there’s nothing left. The world fades into darkness and I slip into a deep sleep.
After I finally wake, there’s a nagging feeling telling me I need to shower. I need to do something. So that’s what I do. Despite my body aching all over, I make it into the shower and let the water scold me, let it distract me from the pain inside. I cry again until I can’t physically force any more tears from my eyes.
I don’t even bother looking in the mirror. I know it’s not good.
After showering and throwing on some leggings and a jumper, I finally decide to brave it outside of my bedroom. With slow steps, I find my way to the kitchen and flip on the kettle.
“Maddie, do you want a coffee?” I shout and instantly regret it as pain shoots through my ribs, causing me to double over.
“Hey, it’s okay. You sit down and I’ll make them,” she says as she snakes her arm around my waist, taking my weight and walking me to the couch.
The steam from the coffee fills my nose as I breathe it in, clearing my airways.
“How are you feeling, Si?” Maddie asks warily, waiting for me to break down.
“I mean, I made it out of my room, so I guess that’s progress.” I sigh, staring into my coffee.
“Have you thought about what you are going to do?” she questions,
“About?”
“The baby, are you keeping it? Are you telling Keller?”
Bile rises straight up my throat and into my mouth.
“Of course, I’m keeping it. And no, Keller doesn’t need to know. I can’t have him walking out on our child, too. I know how that fucks a kid up firsthand.”
“Okay. Well you have a check-up next week. Hopefully soon we will get to see the little bean on the screen!”
Her excitement makes me smile. I guess it’s going to be small steps to recovery. I just don’t know how my heart will ever heal from this.
“David asked if he could pop over to see you later. Is that okay?”
No not really, I don’t want to see anyone.
“I guess so,” I force out.
“Okay, I’ll text him now. It might be nice for you to have your friends around you. We all want to help you, Si.”
All I can do is nod in response.
A few hours later David appears, dashing over to the sofa and smothering me in a hug.
“I’m so happy to see you. I’ve missed you, Baby Girl.” he says, giving me his best grin.
“I’ve missed you too,” I lie. I can’t miss anyone. I can’t feel anything.
He plonks down on the couch between me and Maddie and snakes his arm around me, pulling me into his side.
Just like Keller used to do.
Its all too much, the room starts to spin and all the air is being sucked out of my lungs.
I can’t fucking do this anymore.
“Get out.”
“What? What’s the matter, talk to me Baby.”
Baby.
I jump out of his embrace, to my feet, staring at him, as hurt flashes across his features.That one word is enough to push me over the edge. Rage burns through me as I hear Keller’s voice in my head.
“I said get out!”.” I scream as I fall to my knees, fighting for breath.
“Shhh, Sienna. I’ve got you,” Maddie whispers.
“I can’t do this Maddie. I can’t live like this.”
She walks me back to my room and helps me get into bed, tucking me in and turning out the lights.
“Just get some rest. I’ll come in to check on you soon.”
That’s the last thing I hear before my mind switches off. I guess the only thing that will heal me is time.
