I stare at the prototype in my hands, unable to keep my thoughts off Noah. I bite back a smile as I tighten the last screw and turn the toy on. I’d love to see the look on Noah’s face if I walk into his office with this toy in my hands, asking him to help me test it. Besides, it’d be the perfect excuse to see him at work… and to have his hands on me.
Things between us have been perfect. We’ve been keeping our relationship quiet, neither of us sure how my family will react and both of us too scared of what’s at stake. It’s something we’ll have to start thinking about soon, but for now I’m enjoying spending my evenings with him. I just wish I could have his nights too. I hate having to get into my car at night, when what I want to do is fall asleep in his arms.
I grin as I put the toy in my bag and walk out of the lab. My heart is racing at the mere thought of seeing Noah again, even though I saw him last night. I can’t wait to see him smile at me and feed my addiction. A burst of giddiness rushes through me at the thought of his golden-brown eyes sparkling with thinly veiled desire.
I’m lost in thought as I walk out of the building, impatient to see him. I didn’t think I could fall even harder, yet somehow every day that’s exactly what I do.
“Amara?”
I freeze at the sound of a voice I know all too well. A voice I haven’t heard in years. A shiver runs down my spine as I turn around.
“Dad,” I whisper, the word escaping my lips without me realizing. His eyes light up, and I look away as my heart constricts painfully, every hint of joy and excitement leaching out of me.
“Amara,” he says again, his voice trembling ever so slightly. He looks older, but he looks healthy and much stronger than I remember him being. There’s a haunted look in his eyes that didn’t use to be there. In most of my memories, he was smiling at me. My father stands before me now, both of us strangers to each other.
“You grew up beautifully, like I always knew you would. You look just like your mother.”
I grimace, hurt by the reminder of the years he missed. He should have been there to watch me grow up. He should’ve been there to guide me as I built up my life, but instead he left me scrambling for the pieces of what used to be.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, my voice soft.
He looks down at his feet and clasps his hands together, hunching forward as though he’s nervous. “I don’t know, darling. I know you don’t want to see me. You haven’t been replying to my text messages. I wasn’t going to bother you. I just wanted to see you. I wanted to see how my little girl grew up, if you looked happy. I wasn’t going to speak to you, but then you walked my way with the biggest smile on your face, your eyes sparkling like they did when you were a kid… and I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to say hi.”
I stare at him, unsure what to say. A thousand emotions are fighting for dominance within me, and I can’t tell whether I’m angry or sad. A bit of both, I guess.
“You should’ve been there, Dad. Our lives would look so different if you hadn’t done what you did. Nothing will ever excuse it. Nothing will ever make it better. The damage can’t be undone. You wrecked two families, and I’ll never forgive you for it. Never.”
He looks away, clearly stricken by my words, and it kills me. I don’t want this to hurt. I want to be angry at him, but now that he’s standing in front of me, all I feel is heartbreak and regret laced with longing for the life we could’ve had.
“I know, sweetheart. I’ll never forgive myself either. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could go back in time and make better choices. I paid the price for my actions, and I’ll pay for as long as I live. Every time you refuse to reply to my messages I’m paying, Amara.”
Intense devastation threatens to close up my throat, tears imminent. I don’t want to cry in front of him. I don’t ever want to cry over him again.
“I just want to know if you’re happy, Amara. Are you doing okay? I’m not here to ruin your life any further. I’ll respect your wishes. If you don’t want to see me or hear from me, I won’t keep pestering you.”
A fat teardrop rolls down my cheek, and I swipe it away angrily. “I’m not happy. Not truly. You took my happiness with you the day you left us. I work hard, and I study hard. I’ve done well. I do all the things I think I should. I’m building an unshakeable foundation for myself so I won’t ever be in a vulnerable position. I’m doing okay, but I’m not as happy as I could’ve been. You left me scarred, Dad.”
I refuse to lie just to appease him. He doesn’t deserve white lies. He wrecked me, and it’s only fair that he knows it.
Dad inhales deeply, his eyes falling closed. “I’m sorry, Amara. I’ve never said this to you, but losing you is my biggest regret in life. You are and have always been the light in my life. I’m proud of you. You’re doing well, and you grew up to be everything I hoped you’d be. You’re hardworking, intelligent, beautiful. I always knew you’d be an amazing woman, but you’ve exceeded my expectations. I’m so very proud of you.”
I grit my teeth and straighten my back in anger. “You’re sorry? I don’t need your apologies, Dad. I don’t want them. I don’t want your sugarcoated words. I can’t do this. I’m not doing this. I’m not going to stand here and pretend like you aren’t a monster.”
I swallow down a sob and turn to walk away, my heart in pieces.
“Amara,” he calls. “Tell me, sweetheart. Do you want me to stop contacting you? I want to do what’s best for you.”
I turn back to look at him, his bright blue eyes identical to mine. Everyone always thinks I got my blue eyes from my mother, until they meet my father.
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. I’m not so immature that I’ll cut him off entirely when I haven’t made a decision yet, but I don’t want to be rushed into choosing either. “I don’t know what I need. All I know is that I can’t do this right now.”
Dad nods, a sad expression on his face as I turn and walk away, the way he once did.
