I’m wide awake. I can’t seem to fall asleep. She’s just behind the wall, in another room, but it feels like she’s miles away. I want you to want us to try. Her words are on repeat in my head. It’s a never-ending loop, over and over, and it’s all I can focus on. The pain in her eyes haunts me, making my skin sweaty and my veins throb. I broke her heart, and I don’t even know what for.
All my life, I’ve been causing pain and heartbreak. The second a relationship became serious, I felt trapped, and I was out. I would focus on my career, refuse to even think about commitment. Women were distractions, and relationships were a nuisance I could easily avoid. I saw how my teammates would lose focus when they fell in love, how their game would fall slack when things were rough between them and their partners, how fucking terrible they were on the pitch after a breakup. I didn’t want that. No-strings-attached relationships suited me well, and most of the girls I met were fine with it…at first. My situationships would get sidetracked, and they’d ask, What are we? Once that happened, I was up and gone.
My father’s infidelity is partly to blame. I’d never cheat, but the fear of being cheated on is real. He was unfaithful because he was lonely, because Mom wasn’t home. I was often on the road—barely home once championships started. The thought of coming home and seeing my woman with someone else was pervasive. No matter the reassurances, no matter how good my relationships were, I still expected them to cheat. It was a default assumption, one I made about every woman I was with.
When it became a huge problem, I finally decided to work on my issues. Two years in therapy helped me a ton.
After that, I was open to the idea of a relationship. That’s when Amelia stepped into the picture. Dear God, how much I wanted us to work. I ignored everything that bothered me, convinced myself again and again that she was the one. Looking back, I don’t regret my marriage. Because I got the experience, and because I have Story. She’s the light in my darkness, the push that always keeps me going, my little princess. I’d build a whole damn castle if that’s she wants.
And yet, my divorce was the final nail in my coffin. I closed the relationship chapter of my life, decided to focus only on my daughter and football. Moving back to LA was supposed to help me with that. Then Piper walked into my house.
She’s different from anyone I’ve ever been with. It’s not about how she looks—it’s what she makes me feel. She’s nurturing and caring, loyal to a fault, and so kind. Everything in her is soft, her voice, her curves, her touch. She’s warm, but her warmth isn’t physical; it’s the feeling she carries within herself. I’m aware of her wherever she is. Sometimes, even when I don’t hear her move, I can still feel her. She filled this house with so much happiness and joy. At first, it felt foreign to me. It was empty without her, but now it’s full. Full of laughter, conversation, and love. I feel complete with her around…and I just pushed her away. Ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me aside from Story. Wrecked it to the point where there’s nothing left but ashes. Nothing left except the hole in my chest.
When I heard the door close this morning, I didn’t leave my room. I stayed in bed even after I knew she was back. Listening to her move around in her bedroom and knowing damn well she was packing her clothes. She only came back to me one day ago, but now she’s leaving for good. All because I couldn’t utter a word, couldn’t tell her how much I love her.
I’m bad news. I can’t give her what she needs. I always sabotage my life and my relationships. It won’t change; it never does. I’m always the one to screw up and damage a good thing. Football and being Story’s dad are the only things I know how to deal with. The only things I’m good at.
I get up from my bed, go to the shower, and stand under the cold water fully dressed. I want to shake off this feeling so bad, and yet I know I can’t. Her talk with Story is approaching, and I have no idea if I’ll be able to handle my kid’s reaction.
An empty mug sits in front of me as I stare off into the distance. Everything in my kitchen reminds me of her. How I was rude to her and she told me off, how I fucked her on the counter while talking to my brother, how many laughs we shared cooking dinner, how many talks and stolen kisses this kitchen has witnessed. I run a hand over my face when I hear the front door open, and Story’s voice follows.
“Daddy?”
Wetting my lips, I stand up from my chair. I go to the living room, and my eyes instantly find Piper. She’s holding Story’s kitten in her arms, caressing his fur. Her gaze is focused on the ground. She has makeup on, but it doesn’t fool me. Her eyelids are puffy, and there are dark circles under her eyes. She’s been crying.
“Yes, sweetheart.” I force myself to look at Story, who’s standing next to Piper. “How was your day?”
“It was good,” she answers, coming closer. “I know what to name my kitten.”
“What?”
“Binx. Like the black cat in Hocus Pocus!” My daughter’s face lights up with a smile as she takes my hand in hers. “I watched it this Halloween with Piper, and when she reminded me about it today, I knew the name was perfect for him.”
“The most important thing is that you like it. Hopefully he’ll like it too,” I say, ruffling her hair. “Do you have homework?”
“Piper promised to help me.” Story gives me a cheeky wink and steps back. “I’ll go change my clothes, then we can start.”
“Okay.” I watch her grab her backpack and head down the hallway. My gaze darts to Piper, and our eyes lock. She’s looking at me from under her eyelashes, a little grimace on her face. “Piper—”
“I’ll talk to her after homework,” she mutters. “You can be there if you want. I figured out how to explain why I’m quitting.”
“I’ll still pay you for all the months—”
“Whatever,” Piper says and leaves me alone in the living room.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” Piper says quietly, sitting on Story’s bed. I linger by the door. “And please know, I would never do this if I didn’t have a very good reason.”
Story frowns, her brows knitting together as she presses her book to her chest. “You’re scaring me.”
“Honey…” She falters, her voice trembling. “Sometimes circumstances get in the way of our plans, and we can’t do anything about it. I’ve tried to find another solution, but unfortunately it’s impossible. It’s my last day here. I can’t be your nanny anymore.”
“No,” Story breathes. Her eyes widen, and her mouth forms a little O. “No, Piper, please…”
“I’m so sorry, honey. I applied for an internship at a college in Nevada a while ago, and I honestly forgot all about it. If I knew I was going to be accepted beforehand, I would’ve made a different decision. But this is an opportunity I can’t pass up. I’m so sorry.”
My daughter’s face contorts in pain, and she starts to cry. Soon she’s sobbing and sniffling. Piper moves closer and hauls her to her chest, running her hands up and down her back. She whispers something in her ear and gently sways her from side to side. My heart is hurting, numbing all other feelings. This is all my fault.
“I would’ve never done this to you if I had a choice.” She leans away, keeping her teary gaze on Story. “I love you, little girl. I love you so damn much. It hurts me to do this, but I have to.”
“Will you…will you visit?” Story pleads.
“Not for a while. I’m leaving the city soon, and I won’t be back until September.” She tucks my daughter’s hair behind her ears, gently brushing away her tears. “Once I’m back, I’ll come see you. I promise.”
Pushing myself off the doorframe, I go to the living room and plop down on the couch. I want to be anywhere but here. It’s hard to breathe; my vision is blurry. I’m the culprit of my own pain. I hurt the people I love.
I don’t know how long I sit there before I hear footsteps. When I walk out into the hallway, Piper is there with her belongings, and Story is standing with her back pressed to the wall. Her kitten is in her arms.
“Can I help you with anything?” I ask in a groggy voice.
Piper shoots me a look. “No, thank you, Hunter. I’m good.”
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Story whispers.
“Me too, sweetie. Call me whenever you want. I’ll be happy to talk to you. Always.”
They hug, and then my daughter rushes back to her bedroom. Piper wipes away her tears and picks up her bags from the floor.
“Piper, I’m so sorry it came to this,” I mumble, my skin becoming hot.
“It’s fine. I knew what I was getting myself into,” she replies. She opens the door. “I cleaned my room up, and the keys are there, on the table.”
“You shouldn’t have—”
“I should, and I did.” She glances at me over her shoulder. “Good-bye, Hunter.”
So many different emotions overwhelm me. I should just tell her that I love her. Should own up to my feelings and confess, but I can’t. It won’t change anything.
“What are you going to do now? Any plans—”
“Nothing that concerns you,” Piper answers and closes the door in my face.
I stand still, listening carefully. Once I hear her car drive away, I take a deep breath and go to Story’s room.
“Hey, sweetheart.” She’s lying on her belly, her face hidden in her pillow. “I’m so sorry about this. I know you love Piper—”
Story sits up so abruptly I halt in my tracks. She glares at me; her eyes are shooting daggers. “I know you love Piper…and I know you made her leave.”
“Story—”
“I hate you!” she yells, her face reddening. “I’m only eight, but I know I’m right. You love Piper, and you made her leave…it’s all your fault! I hate you!”
Story falls back onto her bed, bawling and shaking from her tears. I stand in her room with my hands balled into fists. She’s not wrong…and it makes me feel even worse than I already do.
I storm out of her room. Taking my phone out of my pocket, I quickly search for the number and dial it. I press my phone to my ear as soon as I hear Amelia’s voice.
“Hey. Can you…can you please come back and take Story with you?”
My ex-wife sighs. “You screwed up, didn’t you?”
“She said she hates me.”
“She doesn’t, but she’s probably very angry with you,” Amelia states, exhaling loudly. “I can be in LA in two days. Will you be able to deal with her till then?”
“Yes. Don’t worry.”
“Okay.” She clears her throat. “You’re such a fool, Hunter.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.” I end the call.
I’m so much more than a fool. I’m my own worst enemy.
