I dreamed in blood.
what are you doing
robbie
robbie
please don’t
please don’t do this
oh my god what’s wrong with you
you’re not
please please please i don’t want to die
please you’re hurting me robbie you’re hurting me
oh god no
no
let me go let me go LET ME GO LETMEGOLETM
I didn’t. I didn’t stop. My mouth filled with blood, and I swallowed it down.
They feared me.
And I reveled in it.
Elizabeth stood in the doorway to the basement in early afternoon. Her hands were on her hips. Her head was tilted.
She said, “I need your help.”
I rolled over on the cot, away from her. I pulled the thin blanket up and over my shoulder.
She chuckled. “That never works on me. I’m a mother. I’ve raised three boys. You’ll lose.”
“Go away.”
“I need your help,” she said again. “It’s Sunday, so it’s tradition. But it’s not just a normal Sunday. We have things to prepare for. Get up.”
“No.”
“Get up, Robbie.”
“Fuck off.”
“If that’s how it’s going to be.”
I heard her go back up the stairs.
I couldn’t believe it was that easy.
It wasn’t.
A few minutes later she came back. She was grunting and muttering under her breath, talking about stubborn wolves who didn’t know their asses from their elbows. I didn’t turn to look at her. Nothing she could say would—
Cold water sprayed my back.
I yelped and fell off the cot.
Elizabeth stood on the other side of the silver, a nozzle attached to a hose in her hand.
“You’re all wet,” she said amiably. “Shall I do it again, or are you going to get up and come help me?”
“What is wrong with you? Why would you—oh my god, stop!” Water filled my mouth and nose. I choked and sat up, water dripping off my cheeks and chin.
“This is hurting me as much as it’s hurting you.”
“Then why the hell are you smiling?”
She shrugged. “Because you keep shaking yourself like a wet dog. It’s adorable. Are you going to get up?” She pointed the nozzle at me again.
“You can’t just torture me into—”
She snorted. “Torture. Cute. If I was torturing you, you’d know it.”
I glared at her. “Was that supposed to make me feel better? Because it didn’t.”
“Oh no,” she said. “That wasn’t meant to make you feel better at all. It was a threat.” She squinted at me. “Do you not know when you’re being threatened? That’s not good. I’ll have to make my intentions clearer, then. Robbie. Get up. You’re coming to help me. If you don’t, I will torture you.”
“Like hell you—aah!”
I got another face full of water.
“I could do this all day,” she said. “I’d rather not, since I have so much to do and so little time to do it, but I could. And if not me, then I’m sure I can find someone who would be willing to keep this up in my place.”
I sighed and looked up toward the ceiling. My hair stuck to my head. “You mean that, don’t you?”
“Yes. I often find that saying what you mean is easier than saying what you don’t.”
“Fine.”
“Good,” she said cheerfully. “But I think I’ll keep the hose at the ready, just to be safe. It’s gotten more of a reaction out of you than almost anything other than Kelly. I’ll be sure to let everyone know that. We have many hoses for reasons I don’t quite understand.” She turned toward the door and raised her voice. “Jessie! Robbie has seen fit to grant us his company. Could you come down and let him out?”
Jessie appeared in the doorway a moment later. “Why is there a hose on the—oh my god.”
Her eyes widened as I glared at her, arms across my wet chest.
And then she laughed. She laughed so hard that she bent over, clutching at her sides.
Elizabeth grinned at her. “Quite the sight, isn’t he? And look. He’s pouting.”
“I am not!” I snarled.
“You kind of are,” Jessie said. She pulled out her phone and pointed it at me. I heard a shutter sound as she took my picture. She showed it to Elizabeth, and that set them both off again. Jessie was still laughing when she came over and broke the line of silver.
I stood.
The women didn’t act like I was a threat.
They should have been scared of me.
They weren’t.
Jessie leaned against Elizabeth, elbow propped on her shoulder as she shoved her phone back into her pocket. “You know I’ll just kick your ass again, right? I mean, if you want to go for it, then let’s do it. I could use the workout.”
I walked across the line, keeping my head down, grinding my teeth.
“Good puppy,” Jessie said, patting me on the shoulder. She didn’t even flinch when I snapped my teeth at her.
“There,” Elizabeth said. “Was that so hard? Next time just do what I ask and we can avoid all of this. Come, now. We have a big day ahead of us.”
She pointed me toward a door down the hall. “Get cleaned up. Meet me in the kitchen.”
And then she left, humming under her breath.
“Most everyone is outside,” Jessie said as I looked toward a window. “Just in case you were thinking about trying to run again.”
“I wasn’t,” I muttered.
“Sure you weren’t. But even if you were, we’d chase you and drag you back, and then where would we be?”
“You could just let me go,” I told her hopefully.
She cocked her head. “Why? You have nowhere else to go.”
And that hit me harder than I expected, hearing it so bluntly. She was right. Where would I go? Caswell? Back to Ezra and Michelle? Even if I chose to disbelieve everything I’d been told since coming to Green Creek, it wouldn’t explain away everything that had happened in the compound. What I’d seen. What I’d heard. All the things I couldn’t remember. Tony—the little cub—asking me what it’d been like when I’d been in Caswell before, and why I always felt blue.
I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I looked up.
Jessie wasn’t smiling. She was hurting too. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
“Yeah, I think you did. And it’s not like you’re wrong.”
She bit her bottom lip. “Maybe. But… look, Robbie. We’ll figure it out, okay? You just need to give yourself and us time to readjust. You’re here, but it’s like you’re not here, you know? Not completely. I can see you standing in front of me, but I can’t feel you. Not like I could before. Not like I can with the other wolves.”
I was confused. “But you’re human. How can you feel anything with the wolves? It doesn’t work like that.”
She nodded slowly. “Not many humans in Maine, huh?”
“Only witches. Alpha Hughes says humans are a liability.”
“I bet she does.” Jessie sighed. “We’re not like other packs.”
“You don’t say.”
She punched me in the arm. It hurt more than I expected. “Don’t be a bitch, Fontaine. It’s different. With us. Maybe it’s having two Alphas. Maybe it’s because of Ox and who he was before everything went to hell. But we’re pack, just as much as any of the wolves. And the bonds that tie us all together are strong.” She hesitated. Then, “Can you feel any of us? Any of the wolves? Anything?”
I started to shake my head but stopped. “There’s… when I was in Caswell, I kept seeing things. Hearing things. Wolves that weren’t there. Voices.”
She didn’t react. Her face was carefully blank. “And since you’ve gotten here?”
“Ox. Loud and clear. But not really anyone else. At least not that I can differentiate.”
“Not Kelly?”
My throat closed. I didn’t say anything.
She let it go. “Rico and I can’t read the wolves as well as they can read us, but it’s enough. Chris and Tanner were the same before they….”
The skin around her eyes tightened.
Right. Chris and Tanner. Chris, who Kelly said had actually died. Chris, who was her brother.
The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. “I’m sorry.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Are you? Do you even remember what you’re apologizing for?”
“No.”
“And yet you said it anyway. Why?”
“Because I’m not a monster. If I did what Kelly said—”
“You did.”
“Then….”
She stepped away. “Hall bathroom, Fontaine. You’ve got five minutes. There are some clothes in there for you. They’re yours from before. They might not fit as well, seeing as how you’ve finally gained some muscle. I’m told they smell like pack. Try not to rip them. If I don’t see you in five minutes, I’m breaking down the door and shoving my crowbar down your throat.”
I believed her.
The clothes were sitting on the counter.
A plaid button-down shirt.
A pair of jeans.
Boxer briefs.
There was pack scent there, heavy and warm, as if they’d all worn my clothes at one point or another.
But it was one scent I chased after more than all the others.
It was grass.
And lake water.
And sunshine.
I lifted the shirt and brought it to my nose, inhaling deeply.
My chest ached. It was there. Faint, but mixed in with all the other scents.
And it fit. It mingled. It complemented.
Somehow, it—and I—fit with all of them.
I thought I was spinning out of control.
Jessie wasn’t outside the door when I came out.
I heard her laughing in the kitchen at something Elizabeth had said. I pulled at my shirt. Jessie was right. I was bigger. The shirt was too tight in my chest and arms. The buttons were straining.
I looked out the window to the front of the house. There were multiple cars parked in the driveway. The blue house sat behind them, the windows open. Rico and Tanner stood near the porch. Tanner said my name, and Rico turned to look at me through the window.
He frowned before shaking his head. Tanner put an arm on his shoulder, but he brushed it off.
I didn’t want to give Rico a reason to shoot me, so I turned away from the window and walked toward the kitchen.
I was cautious. Careful. I stood in the doorway. Elizabeth had to know I was there, even though her back was to me. Jessie too, probably. She wasn’t like any other human I’d met. She moved like a wolf.
Elizabeth stood at the sink, peeling potatoes.
A radio sat on the windowsill above the sink. It was old-fashioned, the dial lit up in a bright yellow light. Tammy Wynette was crooning about how she was going to stand by her man. Elizabeth was singing along, her voice quiet and melodic.
Jessie stood in front of the large stove. There were four pots on four different burners, and they were bubbling. It smelled wonderful. I was ravenous.
I didn’t know what to do.
I waited.
Tammy sang, aching and sweet.
Elizabeth swayed back and forth, her summer dress billowing around her legs.
It struck me then just how much I wanted this. It was sudden and fierce. I wanted this. Here. With them. In this place so very far from all I thought I knew.
I didn’t deserve it.
My heart hurt.
“You know,” Elizabeth said suddenly, “my mother told me once that a watched pot never boils. I always found that fascinating, because it does, eventually, whether you’re looking at it or not. Robbie, if you please.”
I swallowed thickly.
She took a step to the left, motioning me to join her in front of the sink. She didn’t look at me.
I thought she was giving me a choice.
There was no hose in sight.
I took a deep breath and stepped into the kitchen.
She said, “There. That’s better. Can you help me?”
“I’m not a very good cook,” I muttered as I came to stand next to her. “I burn things. Ezra always did the….”
Except he wasn’t Ezra.
I wondered how long that would go on.
I thought it might be forever.
She said, “Strange.”
“What?”
She handed me a peeler and a potato. “How for everything that’s different, some things are always the same. You tried to cook Kelly breakfast once.”
“Just once?” I started to peel the potato in slow, even strokes.
“Notice how I used the word tried. I woke up and thought the house was on fire.”
Jessie snorted but didn’t speak.
“I came downstairs,” Elizabeth continued. “It was barely light out. You were panicking. There was a black mess in a pan on the stove that you said had once been the beginnings of an omelet. There was egg on the ceiling. You had cheese in your hair.”
The potato burst in my hand as I squeezed it too tight.
Elizabeth took the remains from me. “Interesting way to go about it. Good thing it was going to be mashed anyway.”
She handed me another.
I started again.
“Your eyes were wide,” she continued, “and you told me you didn’t know what had happened. Everything had been going well, but then you got distracted by the trees outside the window.” She smiled. “You always did love trees. I think you got that from your mother. She could spend hours out in the woods, just walking around.”
“You knew her.”
She nodded. “Not as well as I would have liked. But yes. I knew her.”
“Did… you tell me this? Before?”
“I did.”
“Oh.” I nearly nicked my hand. I gripped the peeler tighter.
“So there you were, burning the meal you’d woken up early to make. You said that you’d always wanted to bring someone breakfast in bed. You’d never had someone before to do that with, and you were so mad that it didn’t work out.”
“What did I do?”
She bumped her shoulder against mine. “You started over. And that’s how I knew that there would be no one else for Kelly but you. Because even though it was hard and turned out rather terrible, you didn’t give up. You asked for my help, but when I started cracking eggs, you said you wanted to do it. You told me you wanted me as more of a supervisor than to be hands-on.”
“If I had help, it wouldn’t be from me.”
She looked startled before she laughed. “Yes. That’s what you said. So I watched over you, and you started from scratch. It wasn’t perfect, and I believe Kelly found an eggshell or two, but you did it. You get frustrated easily, but you learned patience. Don’t forget that.”
I nodded as she wiped her hands on a dishtowel and sashayed away, Tammy ending and the Shirelles taking over, asking if you’d still love me tomorrow.
I looked out the window.
In the backyard, a large table had been set up, a dark green tablecloth set on top of it. Chris and Gordo and Mark were putting chairs around the table. In the center, weighted down, was a bunch of balloons.
Carter stood with Kelly next to a grill. They were close together. As I watched, Kelly laid his head on Carter’s shoulder. The timber wolf sat on Carter’s other side, stretching his nose toward the meat on the grill. Carter tapped the tip of his nose with pair of tongs. The wolf growled but didn’t try again.
“It’s Ox’s birthday,” I said.
“It is,” Elizabeth agreed. “A big one. He turns thirty tomorrow. We’re celebrating today because it seemed right. Tradition, you know.”
“I don’t have a present for him.”
“I think you’ll find that you being here is more precious than any gift he could hope to receive.”
“And besides,” Jessie said easily, “you can just put your name on what I got for him. Say it’s from the both of us.”
“What did you get him?”
She grinned. “A shirt I found online. Three wolves howling at the moon. It’s awful. I can’t wait to see the look on his face.”
How easy they made it sound. “Last year.”
Elizabeth and Jessie exchanged a look. “What about last year?” Jessie asked.
I put my hands on the edge of the sink. “Did you celebrate then too?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.” Of course they would have. I’d only been gone a few months, if what they’d told me was correct. And then, they wouldn’t have been looking for me. They still would have thought me a traitor.
Elizabeth was behind me. I hadn’t even heard her move. Her chin was on my shoulder, her lips near my ear. She said, “It wasn’t the same. Nothing was the same. No matter what happened, no matter everything that came before and everything that followed, it wasn’t the same. For any of us.”
I looked down at the sink. “I don’t know if it’ll ever be the same again.”
“Maybe not. But we start again. Because even if everything is burnt to a crisp, we can always try again and again. Jessie, I think the carrots are done.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Jessie said.
I closed my eyes.
Joe and Ox came walking down the road, hand in hand. I was standing on the front porch, my nails digging into the railing.
“All right?” Joe asked as they stopped near the stairs.
I shrugged. “Happy birthday, Ox.”
“Thanks, Robbie. I—”
“The people in Green Creek don’t know what I did, do they.”
Ox tilted his head. He didn’t act surprised or like he didn’t know what I was talking about. “No. Why do you ask?”
“They weren’t scared of me. When I went there. They all seemed happy to see me.”
Joe nodded slowly. “We thought it was better that way. In case you ever came back.”
I laughed bitterly. “Why? You thought I was a monster. A murderer. And I guess that wasn’t too far from the truth. Who was he? The Omega I killed.”
Joe said, “Maybe we could do this later—”
“His name was Alan,” Ox said, and Joe sighed. “He’d been infected by another Omega in Kansas. His pack was small. He left them because he didn’t want to hurt them.”
I nodded but didn’t look at them. “And he came here looking for help. Because of who—what—you are.”
“He was one of them, yes.”
“There’s been a lot? Omegas, I mean.”
“Yes.”
“And you help them.”
“Yes.”
“And I killed him.”
“It wasn’t you,” Joe said hotly. I looked up, and his eyes were filling with red. He crossed his arms over his chest. “You had no control. You weren’t you. This is on Livingstone, Robbie. He took away your free will. He made you do this.”
“It was still my hands,” I mumbled. “Still my teeth. And Chris and Tanner—”
Ox was up on the porch and next to me before I could finish. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. I didn’t hug him back, my arms dangling at my sides. He squeezed me hard like he was trying to force me into his chest.
“I don’t want to remember,” I said against his neck. “Because if I do, I’ll remember what it felt like. I’ll know what it’s like to kill an innocent person. How can I come back from that, Ox? How can you even stand to look at me?”
“Because you’re mine,” he said simply. “And that will never change.”
“You let me go,” I choked out. “You let me go because you all thought I….”
“Fuck,” Joe muttered.
“We did,” Ox said, and it hurt more than I thought it would. “We were scared. Confused. And we were wrong. It took us longer than I like to think to realize just how wrong we were.”
“Maybe it’d be easier if I just—”
“Nope,” Joe said. “Get that out of your head right now. You’re not going anywhere. I don’t care if we have to shove a tracker up your ass, you’re staying right here where you belong. We got you back, Robbie. Do you really think we’d let you go?”
“What if it happens again?”
Joe had no response to that.
Ox did, though. He said, “They won’t touch you again,” and his voice was deep and strong. “I won’t allow it. Let them come. We’ll show them what happens when you fuck with the Bennett pack.”
I tried to pull away from them, but they wouldn’t let me. Joe stood on one side of me, Ox on the other. They held my hands. We walked through the house toward the kitchen. Jessie had gone to the backyard. Elizabeth looked up at us, first at Joe. Then Ox. Then me. She nodded. “Good.”
And that was it.
She said, “Joe, if you please, the cutlery. Ox, don’t lift a finger. It’s your birthday and you don’t get to do a single thing. In fact, why don’t you take Robbie out back? I’m sure the others want to see him.”
I didn’t know about that, but Ox wouldn’t let me go.
He pulled me toward the back door. I could hear the others laughing and talking loudly. The timber wolf growled at something Carter was saying, and Kelly was teasing them both.
Rico saw us first. His expression hardened, but he didn’t say a word.
Chris and Tanner were next. “Birthday boy!” Chris shouted. He grinned at the both of us. “And look what the wolf dragged in.”
Tanner said, “You’re so old now, Ox. You realize that, right? It’s all downhill from here. Unless you’re lucky like me.” He flexed, kissing each of his biceps. “Yeah, that’s the good stuff.”
Chris shoved him. “No one wants to see that, man. Put those away before you hurt yourself.”
Tanner flashed orange eyes at him in challenge.
Apparently Chris couldn’t resist. He tackled Tanner to the ground, and they started wrestling as they shouted at each other.
Jessie looked down at them, grimacing. “Men are so stupid. I’m so glad I’m into women these days.” She smiled wickedly. “No offense, Ox. You were good for a little while.”
My eyes bulged.
“As your Alpha,” Joe said as he stepped around us, “I am ordering you never to bring up your history with my mate ever again.”
“Oh sure,” Jessie said. “I’ll get right on that.” She paused, considering. Then, “Which is something I said to Ox.”
She laughed as Joe growled at her.
“Where’s Dominique?” Tanner asked, panting on the ground next to Chris. They’d apparently called a truce.
“Coming with Bambi. Should be here in a little bit.”
Ox squeezed my hand before letting go. He pushed me toward the table. He pulled out a chair near the end and motioned for me to sit down.
It went like this:
Ox sat at one end of the table, Joe at the other.
To Ox’s right was Mark, a position reserved for the second to the Alpha.
To Joe’s right was Carter, the timber wolf lying behind his chair.
I was to Ox’s left.
Elizabeth was to Joe’s left.
It wasn’t lost on me what this meant.
The right was for the second.
The left was a position of trust.
Ox was showing he trusted me.
Rico wasn’t happy as he sat on the other side of the table. Chris and Tanner sat next to him.
Kelly pulled out the chair next to me. He sat down. I thought he was going to reach out and take my hand, but he didn’t. He kept his hands in his own lap.
He said, “Hello, Robbie.”
I was suddenly nervous. I wondered what he’d thought of the breakfast I’d made for him. I muttered, “Hey.”
Jessie sat down next to him. On her other side, between her and Elizabeth, was an empty chair. Rico also had an empty chair next to him. It wasn’t long before they were filled.
The woman from the truck walked in, keys jangling as she flipped them back and forth. Behind her was the Omega from the diner.
I tried not to stare when Rico got a dopey look on his face as Bambi bent over and kissed him sweetly. Then she pushed him away, ruffling his hair. He didn’t seem to mind.
The Omega eyed me warily but was distracted when Jessie pulled her down into the last chair, smiling widely.
And then it was quiet.
The only sounds came from the forest.
It was like we were waiting. For what, I didn’t know.
Ox put his hands on the table. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. His chest expanded, and he held his breath for a beat, then two, then three before letting it out slowly. He opened his eyes.
He said, “My mother. She liked to dance. In the kitchen. Once, we were doing the dishes, and there was a soap bubble in my ear. She popped it. And then we danced. That was a good day, for many reasons.”
Joe’s smile was blinding.
“Things have changed since then,” Ox continued. “We’re not who we once were. We’ve lived and lost. But I like to think that she’s still here. Somewhere. Somehow. And I know she’s proud of who I am and what I’ve made for myself. My daddy said I was going to get shit all my life. He didn’t know that I would have pack who would do anything for me, as I would do everything for them. And while we may not be who we once were, we’re still here.” He glanced at me before looking back out at the others. “We’re still together.” He raised his glass. The others did the same. After a moment, I did too, though I felt like a fraud. “To Maggie. To Thomas. To all those we’ve lost and all those we’ve found again.”
“And to Ox on his motherfucking birthday,” Tanner said cheerfully, and most everyone laughed as they raised their glasses even higher.
I didn’t.
Neither did Rico.
It was slow, this meal. Leisurely.
I never wanted it to end.
I wanted to go back to the basement and hide away.
I stayed quiet for most it, taking in all the sights and sounds and smells. There was blue still, clinging and cold. Green too. Relief, though it felt fragile.
It didn’t help (hurt?) that Carter got it in his head that he needed to get his brother drunk.
“Think about it,” Carter said to Kelly from across the table. “Who knows how long you’re going to be human? You gotta go for it, Kelly.”
Tanner sighed as he glared down at his bottle of beer. “You know, this whole wolf thing lets me jump ten feet in the air from a crouch, but I can’t even get a buzz. What kind of messed-up shit is that?”
Chris nodded. “You did like to drink beer more than you liked to jump.”
Mark looked amused. “You can shift into a wolf the size of a small horse, and you regret not being able to get drunk?”
“So much,” Tanner said. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. The fact that I can shift into a killing machine is pretty damn cool, but fuck, what I wouldn’t give just to not be sober for, like, five seconds. Weed doesn’t even work on me anymore.” He blanched as he glanced at Gordo. “Not that I’ve ever been stoned before, boss. Because hugs, not drugs. Or whatever.”
Gordo snorted. “Bullshit. We got high for the first time when we were what, fourteen? Fifteen?”
“You did?” Mark asked, arching an eyebrow.
“You wouldn’t know. That was when you were an asshole and I never wanted to see you again.”
“You told me that last week,” Mark said.
Gordo rolled his eyes. “That’s because you left your wet towel on the floor. Again. You’re lucky I didn’t kick you out right then and there. You would have nowhere else to go, and I wouldn’t even feel bad about it.”
“I wouldn’t take you back,” Elizabeth agreed. “You don’t know the relief I felt when you and Gordo finally stopped being idiots. I turned your old room into a second studio. I don’t plan on changing it back. It’s probably for the best that you pick up your wet towels.”
Mark laughed at Gordo’s smug expression. “Duly noted.”
“I’m going to bring Kelly into the Lighthouse,” Carter told Bambi, “and you’re going to keep bringing drinks until Kelly throws up or goes to sleep, whichever comes first.”
Kelly pulled a face. “Let’s not do that.”
“I got you,” Bambi said easily. “He won’t be able to leave unless he has to be carried out. What’s your poison? You seem like the fruity drink kind of guy. Little umbrella. Sorority girl cocktails.”
Chris and Tanner and Carter looked delighted.
Kelly, not so much.
“I’m going to live vicariously through you,” Chris said, staring at Kelly. “Just so you know. You’re going to describe it in great detail. And you have to sing. Because everyone knows when you get super drunk, you have to sing.”
Dominique laughed but covered it up when I glanced at her. She seemed uncomfortable, and Jessie reached over and took her hand. I didn’t think she was pack, not like the others, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t heard about what I’d done. She wasn’t scared of me, but she wasn’t not either.
Rico said, “So we’re just going to act like everything is fine. Like this is normal.”
And it was weird, because I was thinking the same exact thing.
Everyone fell silent.
He glared down at the table. He was stiff with anger.
Bambi put a hand on his shoulder but pulled away when he didn’t react.
Ox frowned. “Rico. Look at me.”
Rico didn’t.
“Rico.”
He huffed but did as his Alpha asked.
“Nothing is normal,” Ox said quietly. “It hasn’t been for a long time.”
Rico shook his head. “Understatement, alfa. I get that you’re all for the greater good, but I can’t do that. I’m not like you.” He raised his voice. “Or apparently any of you. It’s like you all have memory issues, and not just our Robbie here.”
“Not cool, man,” Tanner said. He looked nervous, glancing between me and Rico. “He wasn’t…. It’s okay.”
Rico slammed his hand on the table. The plates rattled. An empty bottle fell over. “It’s not okay. You didn’t see what I did.” He swallowed, his throat clicking. His eyes were bright and glassy. “You didn’t hear it.”
Chris rubbed his jaw. “I dunno, Rico. I think I did see it. I think I did hear it. And you know what I had that you didn’t? I felt it.” He winced. “All of it. And I get you’re pissed, but let’s not do this now, okay? We’re here for Ox. We’re together. I’m not saying let bygones be bygones, but just… curb it for a little while.”
“I can go,” I said quietly. “If it makes things easier. I don’t want to—”
Kelly took my hand in his under the table. He pulled it into his lap and held on tightly.
“No,” Ox said. “You’re staying right where you are. Rico, you want to have this out? Fine. We’ll do it now.”
He recoiled slightly. “No, hey, I didn’t—it’s not like I’m trying to—”
“Yes,” Ox said flatly, “you are. And if you have a problem with a member of the pack, then we deal with it as a pack.”
“Pack,” Rico said, sounding incredulous. “He doesn’t even know who the fuck he is! We can’t feel him. Not like we used to. How the hell is he still pack? It broke. The bonds between us broke. Maybe it was Gordo’s dad, but how do you know? How the hell can you be sure that he didn’t invite it in? You all saw how he was with Michelle before Elijah came. He was begging her. And look what’s happened since. Tanner and Chris almost died. An Omega is dead. And then we find his sorry ass and we go save him, and what happens? Kelly’s wolf has been ripped from him—”
“Leave me out of this,” Kelly said. “I can speak for myself. Don’t you dare try to use me against him. It’s not fair.”
I thought Rico was going to apologize to Kelly. He didn’t. He said, “Fine. Let’s leave you out of this. But all the rest? I can’t forgive and forget. Not like the rest of you. You’re all walking on eggshells around him like you think he’s fragile. Well guess what: he’s not. I was there. I saw what he did, and if I’d had my gun, I would have killed him.”
“Holy shit,” Carter muttered as the timber wolf whined.
“That’s enough,” Gordo snapped. “I don’t want to hear another—”
“Oh, I bet you don’t,” Rico said. “I get it, papi. You’ve got your favorite back. You’re good to go.” He stood, the table shifting as he struck it with his thighs. “I’m sorry that I’m not all rah-rah Team Robbie like everyone else. But I held my friend as he died in my arms, and I can’t forget that. I won’t. And you all forcing this, acting like everything is fine, isn’t helping either.”
“Sit down,” Elizabeth said.
“Are you even hearing me? I’m not—”
“Sit. Down.”
The power in her voice was undeniable. Rico opened his mouth again like he was going to argue, but instead he did as he was told.
Joe said, “Maybe we should—” but Elizabeth held up her hand without looking at him, and he fell silent.
“I love you,” she said to Rico. “You’re important to me. To all of us. And you are justified in your anger.”
“Thank you, mamacita,” he said. “It’s good to know that—”
“I’m not finished. Don’t interrupt me again.”
He gulped.
“You’re justified in your anger,” she repeated. “But it’s dangerously misplaced. This is what they want. Doubt. To pit us against one another. Because if we let anger consume us, if we let it take control, then we run the risk of losing everything we love.”
“Where was this when Joe decided to break apart the pack?” Rico demanded. “When they all left to go after Richard Collins? Did you tell them the same thing?”
“You weren’t even there,” Gordo said. “You weren’t part of this then.”
“Only because you kept it from us,” Rico retorted. “We had to find out from Oxnard about all of it. You left a note and you were gone. Your life, man. We thought we knew you. We didn’t. We thought we knew Robbie. We didn’t. Because—”
“What do you want?” Elizabeth asked. “What do you hope to have happen here?”
Rico fisted his hair. “Argh. I don’t know. But I can’t just sit here and pretend nothing has changed. Everything has changed.”
I said, “I don’t remember.”
Everyone looked at me.
I wanted to run.
To find a hidey-hole in a tree and be as quiet as a mouse.
My mother laughed somewhere in my head. Little wolf, she whispered. Little wolf. Can’t you see?
I couldn’t run. I couldn’t hide.
I was very tired.
I said, “I don’t remember, and I’m sorry because I don’t know if I want to. If I did everything you’re saying, then I don’t want to remember because I don’t know that I would survive it.”
Kelly hung his head.
I looked at Tanner and Chris. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t know how I know that. But if I was here, if I was part of this pack once, then that would have been what was important to me. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. A place to belong. A home.” My voice cracked. “And if I had that, then I would never have done anything to have that taken from me.”
Tanner smiled tightly.
Chris nodded, though he looked a little pale.
I looked back at Rico. He was furious, though he kept it coiled inside. “I don’t expect you to trust me. Or even forgive me.”
“Good.”
“But I’m lost,” I admitted. “And I don’t know how to find my way back. Everything I thought my life was, everything I knew, it was a lie. Because my real life was taken from me by someone I loved. Someone I trusted. I thought I knew the way the world worked. I didn’t. I don’t know any of you. I wish I did even as I hope I never get my memory back.”
It was Kelly who moved then.
He stood abruptly, his chair falling back into the grass.
He let go of my hand as he turned and headed for the house.
“Seriously,” Carter said, standing to follow his brother, “fuck you guys. Fuck you very much.”
The timber wolf trailed after him, tail swishing back and forth.
Rico scrubbed a hand over his face. “Fuck. Ox, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t mean—”
“Yes,” Ox said, “you did. You’re hurting. I get that. You’re angry. I get that too. But you aren’t the only one who feels that way. And I think it’s time you start remembering that. We’re pack, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let it be torn apart from the inside.”
Rico nodded jerkily. Bambi leaned over and whispered in his ear, but it wasn’t meant for me to hear, so I didn’t try to listen. Instead I turned toward the house, hearing Carter and Kelly’s muffled voices.
I thought about going after them, but before I could, a phone began to vibrate.
Gordo frowned as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He glanced down at the screen.
He closed his eyes and sighed. “Well, their timing certainly sucks.”
“What is it?” Ox asked.
“Aileen,” he said as he looked at me. I slumped lower in my seat. It didn’t help. “Patrice. They’re early.”
