Kelly was dying.
I wasn’t overreacting.
Elizabeth said as much. Sort of.
“He says he’s dying,” Elizabeth told me the next day. I was still in the basement, not wanting to come out yet, even though everyone told me I was being an idiot. I couldn’t take the chance in case Livingstone tried to get in my head again. Gordo thought it had something to do with the full moon, but he sounded dubious.
I stood abruptly, the cot scraping along the floor. “What?” I demanded. “Who hurt him? Did someone come after him? What happened?”
Elizabeth looked grave. “Perhaps you should take a look at him, just to make sure.”
There was no silver keeping me in, so I flew by her, charging up the steps, sure that I was going to find nothing but blood and exposed bone when I got to Kelly.
Somehow, it was worse.
He lay in his bed in his room, surrounded by everyone in the pack. Jessie and Mark stood just inside the door, looking amused. I didn’t know what the hell could possibly be so funny about this.
“Uh-oh,” Rico said, glancing at me over his shoulder.
I barely had time to take in one of the few rooms I hadn’t been in yet before I saw Kelly.
He was pale. His eyes were bloodshot. He coughed weakly. It was harsh and wet in his chest. He was trying to breathe, but it didn’t sound like much was getting through his nose, so his mouth was open like he was panting. There was a box of tissue on a nightstand, and some were crumpled up in a trash can next to the bed.
“He’s diseased,” Carter said in a horrified whisper. “What’s going on with him? He’s… he’s leaking.”
Even Joe looked worried. He pressed a hand against Kelly’s forehead. “He’s warm. Like, really warm.”
Ox rolled his eyes.
“Oh my god,” Tanner said, wringing his hands. “Is this some kind of disease? Like the Omega infection? Are you contagious?”
“He sneezed on me,” Chris whispered, eyes wide. “What if I’m infected now too? Why did we never call a wolf doctor when Carter and Mark started getting sick? Like a biologist? How could we have been so blind?”
Jessie sounded like she was choking, but I didn’t look back to see what was wrong. I only had eyes for Kelly.
“Ugh,” he said.
“What happened?” I asked. “Is this magic? Did something infect him? Why are you all just standing here? We have to save him!”
Now it sounded like Mark was choking too. I wondered if he’d caught whatever evil Kelly was now suffering from. How could it have spread so quickly?
I leaned over Kelly, putting my face close to his, not sure of what I was looking for but damn sure I was going to find it.
He sneezed in my face.
It was wet.
He blinked in surprise.
Silence settled.
“He’s infected too!” Chris wailed. “We’re all gonna die!”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Rico growled. “You’ve only been a werewolf for a year. Is it eating your goddamn brain? You seriously can’t be this stupid.”
“We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna—hey. That was mean, Rico. Now is not the time for rudeness.”
Tanner nodded solemnly.
Now Jessie and Mark were choking at the same time. I hoped it would be swift and not painful for them.
“I love you,” Carter whispered to Kelly. “More than anything. I wish… I wish we had more time. Please, Kelly. You have to fight this. You have to fight this.”
The timber wolf howled, a long and mournful sound.
I heard Ox speaking to Elizabeth. “We really just going to let this keep going?”
“It got Robbie up and out of his self-imposed exile,” Elizabeth replied. “I don’t feel bad about it at all.”
“It’s just a virus!” Rico said, throwing up his hands.
“A virus?” Carter said, sounding outraged. “What kind of virus? Who gave it to him? I’ll kill whoever did! I’ll kill them all!”
I nodded furiously. “I’ll help. I’m going to tear them apart.”
“Still too soon,” Chris muttered.
“I feel bad for you,” Jessie said to Mark. “Seeing as how you’re related to most of them. I don’t have to worry about that.”
“They are what they are,” Mark said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
Before I could turn around and snarl at them for being so heartless, Gordo said, “You guys are fucking idiots, I swear to god. I don’t know how the hell you’ve survived this long. He’s got a fucking cold.”
Jessie and Mark burst out laughing.
Tanner and Chris were frowning. “A cold,” Chris repeated.
“Yes,” Gordo said, exasperated. “A cold. That’s it. That’s all it is.”
Tanner said, “I knew that. I was just messing with them. Idiots, right? You guys are so dumb.”
“A cold?” Carter asked. “How can he have a cold? That’s a human thing. Wolves don’t get… oh. Right. Shit. Human.”
I tried to think about how to fix a cold. I didn’t know. I hadn’t met many sick humans. Wolves didn’t get sick. Humans were weak and fragile, and even if it was just a cold, Kelly looked like death warmed over. His face was wet and puffy and his nose was leaking. “Soup,” I decided. “I saw in a movie once that you need to give soup to sick people. It makes them feel better, especially when it has noodles in it.”
“That you can remember?” Gordo asked. He sounded pretty much done with my shit. I wanted to snap at him that at least his mate was only an Omega, but fortunately my drive to stay alive overrode my mouth. That and the fact that I was slightly shocked how easy it was for me to think of Kelly as just that.
As a mate.
I knew what he was.
I had his mark on my body.
And he had mine.
“Why is Robbie sitting there with his mouth open?” Chris whispered to Tanner.
“I think he’s coming to a dawning realization,” Tanner whispered back. “Keep watching him.”
They stared at me.
Elizabeth said, “I’m afraid we’re out of soup,” and I swore she was trying to keep from laughing like the others. “I haven’t had a chance to get to the store in a few days. Robbie, perhaps you’d like to—”
“On it,” I said, because goddammit, I was going to provide. I was going to take care of him. And it had absolutely nothing with wanting to flee the room in order to keep from throwing Kelly over my shoulder and carrying him away so that nothing could hurt him ever again. “I can buy soup.” Then, “Crap. I don’t have money.” We hadn’t found time to get me back into the pack finances.
“Jesus Christ,” Gordo muttered. He pulled out his wallet. He fumbled with it, grunting as he flipped it open, almost dropping it. I saw him bring up his other arm, the one that ended in a stump. He glared down at it for a moment. I stepped forward to help, but Mark shook his head once, mouthing the word wait.
I did.
Gordo spun the wallet in his hand until he could slide a thumb up against one of the credit cards. He managed to get it out on his own. We all immediately looked away as if we were completely distracted by everything else in the room. “Here,” he said, shoving the card at me. “Use this.”
“Thanks.” I was absurdly touched.
“I’m not going to hug you, so get that look off your face.”
I had no idea what he was talking about. I wasn’t even thinking about hugging him.
Much.
I turned back to Kelly. He looked up at me with glazed eyes. “I’ll save you,” I promised him. “Just hold on. I am going to bring you so much soup, you won’t even believe it.”
“Perhaps someone should go with him,” Elizabeth said mildly. “I have a feeling Robbie could use the help. Kelly needs medicine too. Something over-the-counter will work just fine.”
“On it,” Tanner said. “I used to be a human, so I know all about this.”
Chris grimaced. “You would just tell him to get clam chowder and Advil. I should go too.”
“There’s nothing wrong with clam—”
“It’s offensive, and you should be ashamed of yourself for even liking it—”
“You do not want to talk to me about offensive. I saw you eat that mole during the full moon. That little fucker was shrieking as you chomped down on it—”
Gordo sighed. “Rico, go with them. Make sure they don’t get into trouble.”
Rico glanced at me, an inscrutable expression on his face, before he looked back at Gordo. “I know what you’re doing.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Rico rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, bruja.”
“I really wish you’d stop calling me that.”
“Yeah, yeah. Fine. Ox, we’re taking your truck.”
Ox frowned. “How are you all going to fit?”
Rico headed for the door. “I’m traveling with a pack of dogs. I’m sure one of them won’t mind sitting in the back.”
The wolves all growled at him, but he ignored them.
Kelly coughed roughly. And then it sounded like he was about to hack up part of his lung, so Chris, Tanner, and I decided it was probably best if we hurried.
“It’s like they’re fucking five,” Rico muttered as we drove into town. I looked over my shoulder to see Chris and Tanner in the bed of the truck. They were hanging off either side of the truck, wind blowing through their hair as they laughed.
“They seem to have taken to it well,” I said. “Being wolves.”
His hands tightened briefly on the steering wheel. “I guess. It is what it is.”
The cab of the truck was warm. I was uncomfortable. I didn’t know why Rico had agreed to go. I searched for something to say.
He beat me to it. “I think Chris….” He shook his head. “I think he was always going to take the bite at some point.”
I nodded, trying to be as small as I could. “And Tanner?”
Rico shrugged. “Maybe. It’s… intoxicating. The idea of being stronger. Faster. Able to protect those you care about.”
“Is it… something you would ever want?”
Rico didn’t answer.
I looked out the window.
Then, “No. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s…. I like being human. But sometimes I think about how much easier it would be, you know? You all can do things I can’t. I can feel them, but Chris said that after he turned, it was ramped up by a lot. It took him a long time to be able to figure out how to turn it off. Or at least dampen it.”
“But humans can do things wolves can’t,” I said quietly. “That’s why humans are important in packs.”
He stopped at a stop sign. “Any humans in Maine?”
“I’m sure there are. It’s a big state.”
He snorted. “Smartass. I’m talking about in your pack.” He winced. “I mean the other pack.”
It stung more than I expected it to, but I let it go. “Not really. I mean, witches, yeah. They come in every now and then. But not like… this. Michelle doesn’t really care for humans.”
“God, that woman,” Rico muttered. “I can’t wait to meet her face-to-face.” He glanced at me. “I hope that’s not going to be a problem.”
“What do you mean?”
He pulled through the stop sign. “You know what I mean. It’s going to come down to it one day. Us or her. Us or Gordo’s dad. Things can’t continue like they are. Surely you can see that.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” he asked, and it was a challenge. “Because I hope that’s true, Robbie. I really do. I can’t take the chance of needing you to watch my back only to have you go fucking feral again and become Livingstone’s lapdog.”
“That’s not fair.”
He looked like he was going to argue, but then he deflated. “You know what? You’re right. That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry, lobito. I’ve just…. I’ve got a long memory. Always have. I’m not really used to letting things go, even when I should.”
“Why do you call me that?”
“What?”
“Lobito.”
His jaw tightened. “It’s nothing. Stupid, I guess. Just slang. Doesn’t even really mean anything.”
“It means little wolf.”
“Yeah.”
“I told you about her.”
He stopped near the curb in front of a small grocery store down the road from the garage. Chris and Tanner hopped out of the back. Rico waved at them to go on. Chris and Tanner exchanged a look before nodding and heading for the store.
Rico switched off the truck. He rubbed a hand over his face as he slumped down on the bench seat. “You did. Weirdly, you told me before you told anyone else. After the whole mess with Richard Collins.” He shook his head. “We were at the garage. It was just the two of us. It was our turn to stay and catch up on all the paperwork. Gordo left us some beers, and it was late. But yeah, you told me.”
“Why you?” I asked. Then, “Shit. I didn’t mean that like it sounded.”
“Oh, thanks,” he said dryly. “That makes me feel better.”
“I swear, I didn’t—”
“I was a little drunk,” Rico said, reaching out the open window to adjust the side mirror. “And you were laughing at me because of it. And then I was laughing because I….” He swallowed thickly. “I liked hearing you laugh. And after everything we’d been through, that entire fucking shitstorm, it was… good. Just to have a moment of peace. To sit back with someone else who understood and just laugh. I don’t even remember how it came up. We were talking about Ox and Joe and their stupid mystical moon magic connection, and then I was telling you about my mom, may she rest in peace. And then you told me about the tree.”
“Quiet as a mouse,” I whispered.
“Yeah, man. That. And the thing she used to tell you. Little wolf, little wolf. And it just started from there, you know? Lobito. You didn’t seem to mind.”
“I don’t. I like it. Coming from you.”
He squinted at me. “But you don’t remember it.”
I shrugged. “No, but I know how it makes me feel now. And if it’s anything like it was then, I think it’s okay. I obviously told you about her because I trusted you.”
He watched me a moment. “But not anymore.”
“I don’t really know anything anymore.”
“Oh Jesus, get that look off your face. Break my heart, why don’t ya?” He narrowed his eyes. “If you’re trying to make me feel sorry for you, it’s not working.”
“I’m not.”
“Goddammit. It’s totally working. Look, Robbie, I….” He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “I’m trying, okay? I really am. I know shit’s fucked-up right now. And I don’t even know what we’re going to face in the days ahead. Hell, we might not even survive whatever’s going to happen.”
“Because it’s going to be you or them.”
“Yeah. It will.” He frowned. “Wait a minute. When I said us or them, that included you. You know that, right?”
I didn’t before. I did now.
He sighed. “And now you’ve got that dopey look on your face. I just can’t with you.” And then he did an extraordinary thing: he reached over and grabbed my wrist. He didn’t squeeze; he didn’t try to hold my hand. He just let his fingers circle the little bones. It was something small, but it felt bigger than the both of us. “I’ll get there,” he said. “I have to, right? Because it’s the only way we’re going to be able to beat them.”
Oh. Fuck, that sucked to hear. That he only considered me part of this, part of this pack, out of necessity.
And then he said, “But also because I want to,” and my breath caught in my chest because he wasn’t lying. His heart remained steady. “I want things to go back to the way they were. I want to be able to look at you without remembering what happened. And maybe that’s stupid. I don’t know if things will ever be the same again, but I miss my friend.”
I had to know. “What if I don’t ever remember? What if I stay as I am now?”
“Then we deal with it. Together. And we remind you of who you used to be. He took you away from us, Robbie. And he took everything that we’d ever been through together. But you’re here, yeah? No matter how strong Michelle is, no matter what control Livingstone had over you, you’re here with us now. And that’s what’s important. I forgot that. And I’m sorry I did. I’m trying, okay? I swear to you I’m trying. Because I know you would do the same for me, no matter what.”
I hugged him.
He grunted as I practically fell on top of him, pushing my face against his chest. And then, wonder of all wonders, he chuckled and patted my back. “Yeah, yeah. You too, lobito. I get it.”
He let it go on for a few more moments before he pushed me away. “Enough of the feelings crap. I get enough of that with Bambi, but don’t ever tell her I said that because I like my balls where they are. Let’s go get what we need for your boy.”
“He’s not my boy—”
Rico laughed as he climbed out of the truck. “Holy shit, you should see the look on your face right now. You’re Alpha red, except it’s all over. Fucking dork.”
He was still laughing at me as I followed him inside.
Kelly was asleep by the time we returned. The pack was spread out through the house, and no one said a word about the Mylar balloons I was struggling to fit through the front door.
They didn’t need to.
I could see the amusement on their faces.
Rico shoved me toward the stairs. “We’ll fix the food. Get your ridiculous ass up to Kelly. I’ll let you know when it’s ready. It was my turn to help with food for Sunday Tradition, anyway.”
I nodded gratefully before heading upstairs.
Elizabeth was the only one still in the room with Kelly, sitting in a chair next to the bed. She looked up at me when I walked through the door. She grinned at me, wild and beautiful. “What have you got there?”
I kicked one of my boots at the floor. “Just some balloons. The woman at the grocery store said that people like balloons when they’re sick.”
“So you decided to buy all of them?”
“I didn’t know which ones to get.”
“One says ‘Happy Birthday.’”
I groaned. “I may have gone overboard. Rico was pissed off when we had to try and shove all of them into the truck.”
“I think Rico likes to bitch about things regardless. It’s a personality trait.”
I set the plastic weight tied to the balloon strings on the desk before handing her the plastic bag in my other hand. She looked inside. “And you seem to have bought every single cold remedy in existence.”
“I just wanted to make sure,” I muttered. I kneeled next to the bed. Kelly was sleeping, nose twitching as he sniffled. He looked warm, and Elizabeth handed me a cool cloth. I dabbed his forehead carefully, not wanting to wake him.
“He’ll be all right,” she said.
“I know.”
“Do you?”
I shrugged.
“Well, you should listen to me, then, and believe me when I tell you so. I am a mother, after all. I know quite a bit about such things.”
“He’s never been human before,” I reminded her.
“No, I don’t suppose he has. But I’ve had humans in my pack.” Her smile faded slightly. “I’ve taken care of the sick a time or two.”
“If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t even be like this.”
“Perhaps.” She touched my back before withdrawing. “But I think you’ll find it doesn’t matter to Kelly. Or at the very least, he thinks it’s a small price to pay. And one he would pay again and again.”
“Doesn’t seem that small to me.”
“What if the roles were reversed?”
I looked at her. “What do you mean?”
“What if Kelly had been taken instead of you? What would you have done to get him back?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know the person I was. I can’t say what I would have done.”
She nodded. “Point. But let’s say as the person you are now. What would you do?”
“Everything,” I said immediately. I blinked. “Whoa.”
“Whoa indeed,” she said, lips twitching. “Memories are all well and good. They help to shape us, to make us who we are. We learn from past experiences, and they can also bring us joy in the quiet moments of reflection. But they aren’t everything. Because here you are, as you are. The Robbie I knew would be doing the same thing. You’re not that different from who you used to be.”
“I just want to keep him safe,” I mumbled.
“I know you do. And I don’t know that anyone would do a better job than you. Can I ask you something, Robbie?”
I nodded.
She took the cloth from me and dipped it into the bowl on the nightstand next to the bed. She wrung it out before handing it back to me. I gently pressed it against Kelly’s forehead, and he sighed in his sleep, turning his head toward me.
“What do you see?”
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. But I didn’t think that’s what she was talking about. “What do you mean?”
“Here. In this room.”
I looked around. I hadn’t noticed when I’d burst in earlier. Aside from the bed and the nightstand, there was a small desk set against one wall underneath a window. The balloons were on top of it. There was a rug on the floor, and a closet with the door cracked open, and I could see clothes hanging inside.
But that was it.
The room was mostly blank. Like mine had been when Mark had shown it to me.
It didn’t look like anyone lived here, especially not someone as bright and vibrant as Kelly.
I looked at Elizabeth, confused. “It’s empty.”
She was pleased, and it was all for me. I wanted to bask in it. “Yes. It is. Do you know why?”
I started to shake my head but stopped. What was it Mark had told me? “We didn’t live here. We lived in the other house.”
She nodded. “You did. You were so proud of yourself that day. It was as if you were both starting out on your own. And in a way, you were, even if it was right next door. You shared the house with some of the Omegas that were staying here with us, at least at first. Ox and Joe, they had been using the house, but they came back here. They knew you needed time to just… be together. I was standing on the porch, watching you two walk hand in hand toward the other house.” Her eyes were watery, but she waved me away when I tried to hand her the box of tissues. “You made it a home. It was warm and inviting, and you were talking about starting traditions of your own. Oh, you were going to include all of us in them, but you thought it was so grown-up, so mature to invite people over for dinner. I might have helped you with that a time or two.”
“I wish I could remember it.”
“I know you do,” she said. “But memories aren’t everything, Robbie. Because here you are, starting again. And I couldn’t be happier that it’s you my son chose. This room, it’s bare because it’s not his true home. His true home was the one he made with you. He’s only here because he couldn’t stand the quiet. A home is a place. But it can also be a person. You’re that person for him. I only wish….” She shook her head.
“What?”
“It’s silly,” she said as she sniffled. “I only wish his father could have been here to see it. To see the man he’s become. To see the men they’ve all become. He would have loved it. He would have loved you, if only for how happy Kelly was and will be again. But I know my husband. You would have been so much more to him.”
I gnawed on my bottom lip. Then, “I have something for you.”
She looked startled. “You do? Oh, Robbie. I don’t need anything. I—”
I shook my head. “It’s not a gift. It’s something that belongs to you. Something that should have been yours a long time ago. I’m only going to return it. Give me a second, okay? I’ll be right back.”
She nodded, taking the cloth back from me. I left her as she hummed quietly, taking her son’s hand and rubbing her thumb over his palm.
As I descended the stairs, I could hear Rico, Chris, and Tanner bickering in the kitchen. Jessie was in the backyard with Dominique, setting up the table for Sunday Tradition. Mark, Gordo, Joe, and Ox were in the office on the first floor, door open. They looked up as I passed, but I didn’t stop. Carter and the timber wolf stood in the front of the house, Carter telling the wolf that Kelly wasn’t dying and he didn’t even know why the wolf was worried to begin with. The wolf grumbled in response.
I went down to the basement.
Sitting next to the cot was my backpack.
I lifted it up over my shoulder, hoping I was doing the right thing.
Elizabeth stopped singing when I walked back into the room. I kneeled before her on the floor because she was a queen, and she deserved my respect. I placed my forehead against her leg, and her hand went to my hair. “What’s this?” she asked.
I breathed and breathed and breathed.
I sat back as she dropped her hand. She watched me curiously.
I pulled the backpack around, clutching it tightly. “This is all I have.”
“Is it? I don’t believe that for a moment. You have so much more than could fit into such a little bag.”
I shook my head. “You said that memories aren’t the most important thing. And maybe you’re right. But sometimes they are important. And these are my memories. Everything I have.” I had to force myself to hand it over to her. She waited until I let it go before pulling it into her lap. “Open it.”
She did without question, and I thought I loved her for it.
“Oh,” she said as she peered inside. “Oh, oh. Look. Robbie. Look.” She pulled out the stone wolf. Kelly’s wolf. “After all this time?”
I nodded. “I thought it was mine.”
“It is yours,” she said. “Because it was given to you. On a bright and sunny day. Kelly was nervous. He asked me if I thought you’d accept it. I told him I believed you would with all my heart. He didn’t know that you’d already come to me a few days before to ask me the same thing.”
I stared at her with wide eyes. “Really?”
She grinned. “Really.”
“Mysterious,” I whispered.
“What was that?”
I shook my head. “It’s not…. It doesn’t matter. Just something Kelly told me once. Did… does he still have mine? I mean, it’s okay if he doesn’t, I get that a lot has happened, and he doesn’t have to—”
“Look in the drawer.” She nodded toward the nightstand.
I did with shaking hands.
There, lying on a felt cloth, was another stone wolf. It was markedly similar to the one Elizabeth now held. The style, the pose, the stance. There were different cuts in the stone. The one in the drawer looked as if it’d been carved with a clumsier hand, but it was so close to the one I’d carried with me. They looked like a set, like they belonged together.
Elizabeth didn’t say a word as I took the other wolf from her and placed it on the cloth next to Kelly’s. I pushed them together. It was one thing to hear that I mattered. It was something else entirely to have evidence of it.
I closed the drawer, knowing they’d be safe there.
Elizabeth allowed me a moment to collect my thoughts. I wiped my face before motioning for her to continue.
She took out my mother’s driver’s license next. She smiled at the photograph. “Beatrice.”
“Yeah. She… ah. She was a good person.”
“I know she was. I knew her only briefly, but she was a light. I could see that even though we were both young. I’m so sorry that she’s not here to see you as you are and all you’ve become.”
I nodded and looked away.
She went through the rest of the contents of the backpack. There was a pinecone from a forest. A flower pressed between the pages of an old romance about pirates. A photograph, the edges bent, of me surrounded by cubs. She was blue when she saw it, but it didn’t last. It filled with something sharper, something that felt like a great, lumbering beast.
She slowly pulled out the leather journal.
The backpack slid from her lap.
“Where did you find this?” she whispered.
“In Caswell,” I said, suddenly unsure. “It was in Michelle’s office. I… I know it sounds crazy, but I think I was meant to find it. I didn’t read it,” I added quickly. “At least not beyond the first couple of pages. But it didn’t belong to her. I don’t know why she kept it or even if she knew it was there.”
“She did,” Elizabeth said. “Nothing would have escaped her attention. The bigger question is why she kept it at all.” She looked at me. Tears fell freely now. “You’ve had it this entire time, haven’t you? Because of what you said that first day.”
I nodded, feeling like shit. “‘To my beloved. Never forget.’ I didn’t mean to keep it from you. I was scared.”
“Why now?” She didn’t sound angry, and her scent was filled with tempered grief.
“Because it’s yours, and no one else should ever get to touch it unless you give them permission to do so. I don’t mean to make you sad.”
“I know. Thank you, Robbie. I haven’t seen this in years. I don’t think Thomas meant to leave it behind. But things were complicated back then.” She opened the journal, and I felt like I was intruding on something private. She traced a finger over the slanted writing that filled the pages. She took in a shuddering breath as she began to flip through the journal. “I wonder….”
I wanted to ask, but I didn’t think she would hear me.
It didn’t take long until she reached the back of the journal. She looked disappointed for a moment, but then her eyes lit up. “You sneak. Of course.”
She ran a finger over the back cover. There were tight black threads on one edge that I hadn’t noticed before. A claw grew from the tip of one of her fingers, and she sliced through the threads. I was alarmed that she felt the need to destroy her husband’s journal, but before I could say anything, she pulled out an envelope.
And then another.
And then another.
Three small squares that I hadn’t known were there.
Her smile trembled. “There you are. I thought you’d been lost.” She looked up at me, eyes bright. “Thank you, Robbie. You don’t know what this means to me. For us. For our family. For our pack. This is a wonderful gift. And now I have something for you.”
She handed me one of the envelopes.
On the front was the same handwriting from the journal. For Kelly’s Future.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“It’s for you,” she said. “And there’s one for Ox and one for… well. We’ll know when Carter knows.”
I looked up at her. “About what?”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Not now.” She closed the journal in her lap, keeping the other two envelopes on the top. “My husband wrote you a letter.”
I blinked. “Me? But I didn’t know him.”
“Hypothetical you,” she said, running her fingers over the other envelopes. “Whoever Kelly chose to spend his life with. When the day came that Kelly would find his mate, Thomas planned on giving whoever it was this letter. He wrote one for each of his sons. He always planned on being here when it happened.”
She stood then, bending over and kissing Kelly on the forehead. She squeezed my shoulder before heading toward the door. She paused and said, “You deserve every happiness. Remember that.” And then she was gone.
The room was quiet, with only the sounds of Kelly’s slow, shallow breaths interrupted by the occasional sniffle. I looked down at the envelope again. I was scared to open it. I didn’t know if I deserved this, didn’t know if I could be the man an Alpha king would have chosen for his son.
But it wasn’t about his choice.
It was about mine.
And Kelly’s.
I opened the envelope. There were two pages filled with the same script.
Hello—
I write this on a sunny day.
I think that’s important.
It’s a sunny day, and my son Kelly Abel Bennett has just turned thirteen years old. He’s tall and gangly, not having yet grown into his limbs. He’s smart, much smarter than I’ll ever be. It’s almost scary, if I’m being honest. He’s quiet, and sometimes I worry that he spends too much time in his head. I don’t always understand him (can one ever completely understand their children?), and there are times that I think him a mystery that I am desperate to solve.
Being a father isn’t as I expected it to be. It’s hard; there are days when I second-guess myself, days when I’m sure I’ve ruined them forever. This life… it’s not easy. The Bennett name isn’t quite a curse, but I sometimes think it is. We have been through much, and Kelly has seen the aftermath of what happens when someone tries to take everything away from us.
When Elizabeth was first pregnant with Carter, my father told me that I would spend the rest of my life in a constant state of fear. Even though my children would be wolves, he said, they were still fragile. Still capable of hurt and pain and suffering. It is a father’s duty to protect them at all costs. He told me of the days when they would hate me, days when they would think I was the stupidest person alive. Days when I’d want to pull my hair out and question everything I’d ever done.
But those days, my father told me, would be few and far between.
Because a child is a gift.
Kelly isn’t like his brothers. Carter is headstrong and blunt. He will make a fine second one day. Joe is going to be the Alpha, and with that will bear the responsibilities that come with the power and the title.
But Kelly….
He’s something different, I think.
Something more.
I wonder about you. Who you are. What you’re doing at this exact moment. Are you a man or a woman? Are you a witch or a wolf? Are you human? Do you smile and laugh and see the world for all it has to offer, for all it takes away?
Kelly is a mystery.
But he’s not unknowable.
Here is what I know about my second son:
He prefers to spend time alone. If he’s not alone, he’ll be with Carter. Carter, as he’s wont to do, will think himself Kelly’s protector. It comes with being the eldest and with being each other’s tether. But what he doesn’t know—and what I’ve only recently come to understand—is that Kelly is fierce and brave, and he might be Carter’s protector just as much as Carter is his.
He wonders about all manners of things. Yesterday, for example, he asked me about our territory and why it felt different there than it does here in Maine. I didn’t know quite how to explain it to him. I can’t even be sure I know myself. When I told him as much, he wasn’t disappointed. Instead he asked me to come with him. We went outside and wandered through the forest, just the two of us. I felt guilty for a moment, not able to remember the last time we’d done this. With everything that has happened to us these last years, my attention has been elsewhere.
We went deep into the woods. He stopped after what must have been a few miles in a part of the forest I hadn’t been in for years. It wasn’t much different than any other part of the woods that comprise our territory. I wanted to ask why: why here, why this place, what drew him to this specific spot. But I waited.
He sat down next to a tree, his back to it. He took off his shoes, his toes digging into the grass. He patted the ground beside him, squinting up at me. His hair was too long. He had to brush it off his face. I was completely charmed by this skinny quiet boy and could only do what he’d asked.
And we sat there for almost two hours without saying a word.
Eventually he broke the silence.
Do you know what he said?
“I think any place can be special if you try hard enough.”
And that was it.
Simple, really.
But the more I think about it, the more I parse through those twelve words, the more I understand he wasn’t just talking about a territory.
He was talking about his entire world. His entire world was special because we’re in it.
And this is Kelly in a nutshell: simple, at a cursory glance, but just underneath, there is life teeming wildly. In his chest beats a tremendous heart, something so vast and extraordinary that it takes my breath away. He is a light, a beacon in what can seem like a never-ending darkness. A world in which he does not exist is a world I cannot even begin to comprehend. Carter made me a father by simply being born. But Kelly has helped me understand what it means to be a father, and all that it entails.
I don’t know you, whoever you are. But you must be someone who knows the light he is. If he has chosen you (and you were smart enough to choose him back), then I know he’ll be in good hands. Appreciate him. Love him. Never take him for granted. If you can do these things, then I promise that you will know what true love is. Kelly will never do anything to harm you, at least not intentionally. I think he would rather hurt himself than anyone else.
He’s not fragile. No, that’s not a word I’d ever use to describe him.
But he must be protected at all costs, because he deserves it.
I don’t know you.
But I can’t wait to.
I can’t wait to witness what blooms between the two of you.
Knowing Kelly as I do, it might be hard, at first. But give it time, grant him patience, and you will be justly rewarded beyond anything you could possibly imagine.
I sit here on this sunny day, light streaming in through an open window, imagining what the moment will be like. When he comes to me and tells me he’s met his mate (though I’ll admit to never really finding that word to be entirely adequate). He’ll be nervous about it, I think, and his brow will be furrowed, and he’ll ask questions, so many questions, and will probably be wishing he was anywhere but here, but he’ll be fighting back a smile, and he will look as if he’s burning from the inside out. I know this. I know this.
Cherish each other. Love each other with your whole hearts. Don’t ever lose sight of what’s important. And that, my unknown friend, is easier said than done, and makes me a hypocrite. I can see that now clearer than ever. But if you learn with each other and grow together, then there is nothing that will stop you from becoming the people you’re supposed to be.
I can’t wait to meet you.
But I hope you understand that I’ll be fine with waiting on that meeting for a time. Because when he gives you his heart, it will no longer be mine to hold. And I want to hold on to it for as long as I’m able.
Whoever you are, you are loved.
Never doubt that.
You are loved.
Yours,
Thomas Bennett
“Are you crying?” a weak voice asked.
I looked up at Kelly as I wiped my eyes. He blinked slowly. He was pale, and he coughed wetly, but he was concerned too, and was trying to reach for me.
I stood quickly and went to him. I pushed him gently back down on the bed, ignoring his protestations. He settled back against his pillow, frowning. His nose was running, and he had dark circles under his eyes, but I didn’t know if I’d ever seen someone such as him before in my life. He was like the sun.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. His frown deepened. “I’m not dying, right?”
I laughed, though it sounded broken. “No,” I managed to say as I sat on the edge of the bed. “No, you’re not dying. And you won’t be. Not until we’re very, very old.”
“Oh. That’s good to know.”
“I think so too.”
“What’s that?” He pointed at the letter.
I didn’t hesitate.
I gave it to him.
He sniffled as he took it, pushing himself up so he was propped against his headboard. He looked down at the writing, and his eyes widened. “This is….” He traced a finger over the words like I’d given him a great gift. “Where did you get this?”
“Your mother gave it to me.”
He looked up at me. “And it’s for you?”
I nodded. “For both of us, I think.”
And then he began to read, eyes darting back and forth. A moment later his hands began to shake. He started to cry silently. I put my hand on his knee over the blanket. When he finished the second page, he started again from the beginning.
Eventually he set the pages aside. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, throat working. He said, “I remember that day. When we went to the woods. Just him and me. I don’t…. It wasn’t as profound as he was making it out to be. I was a little jealous that he was spending so much time with Joe, even though Joe needed it after all he’d been through.” He coughed, and I handed him another tissue. He smiled before using it to wipe his nose. He pushed his knee up against my hand. I never thought about moving it. “It was dumb, you know? Being jealous over something like that. But I didn’t know any better. So I made up something about the territory that I told him I’d been thinking about, and he didn’t question it.”
“Just because it wasn’t profound to you doesn’t mean it wasn’t for him,” I said quietly.
“You think so?”
“I do.”
He looked down at the pages sitting on the bed. “I wish….” He shook his head. “I wish for many things. That I was a wolf again. That nothing bad would ever happen to any of us ever again. That you were….” He sucked in a sharp breath. “But I’m not a wolf. And I can’t stop whatever the future has in store for us. And you are as you are. And I don’t know if I can change any of that. But it doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t?”
“No,” he said. “Because even though I’m not a wolf, and even though shit is always flung at us, and even though you don’t remember everything we had, you’re still here.” He smiled, and it trembled. “You said we.”
I looked down at my hand on his knee. “What do you mean?”
“I asked you if I was dying. And you said no, and that I wouldn’t until we were very, very old.”
My face grew warm. “Oh. Um. Well. That’s….”
“Good. That’s good.”
“It is?”
“Yes.”
You are loved.
He burned so bright. It was all grass and lake water and sunshine, and I wanted nothing more than to have it for my own.
I said, “Kelly?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I kiss you?”
He gaped at me.
I waited nervously, forcing myself not to fidget or take the words back.
He grimaced. “Oh Christ. You’re serious. What the hell is wrong with you? Do you not hear what I sound like? Something must be wrong with your eyes too, because I’m leaking from almost every opening I have. And I can’t even begin to imagine what I must smell like to you—”
I kissed him.
Again.
For the first time.
His eyes were open, and my eyes were open, and I was drowning in him, drowning in this, and I didn’t want to be saved. I wanted it to close over my head and pull me down until all there was in this world was him.
It was chaste, this kiss. I saw a tear trickle from his right eye before I closed my own. I was about to pull away, sure I’d gone too far, when he wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, holding me in place. He sighed against my lips, and I wondered if this was happiness, if this clawing in my chest was how I felt when we’d done this before. Because if it was, then I understood why Gordo had said I must have fought like hell. If someone had tried to take this away from me, the memory of him and the way he felt against me, I would have done everything in my power to fight back.
Even as I felt consumed by him, a low, fiery hatred burned in the pit of my stomach at the thought that it had been taken from me.
My pack.
My home.
My mate.
Eventually he pulled away, eyes wide. “Wow,” he whispered.
“Wow,” I whispered back to him.
“I’m still pretty gross.”
“You are.”
He snorted. “And I feel like crap.”
“I know.”
He looked shyly at me. “But….”
“But?”
He shrugged before jerking his head toward the other side of the bed.
It took me a moment before I realized what he was asking.
And I could barely restrain the urge to howl and shake the bones of the house.
I toed off my boots, letting them fall to the floor. I turned, carefully climbing over him so I didn’t hurt him. He pulled back the comforter, and I got underneath. He was almost wolf-warm because of his sickness. He moved down on the bed and laid his head on the pillow. I did the same, our faces only inches apart. He pulled the comforter up and over our heads, surrounding us with semidarkness. Our scents mingled, and though his was human and dulled with illness, it was enough.
His eyes searched mine, and as we watched each other, I forced myself to search the furthest corners of my mind for something, anything that I could remember. There was nothing, of course. The void was absolute.
And I was so angry because of it.
He brought his hand between us and poked a finger against my cheek. “Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“You’re thinking too hard. I can see it on your face. Just be here. Right now. With me.”
And how could I refuse that?
I said, “I’m here.”
“You are.”
“Right now.”
“Yes.”
“With you.”
And god, how he smiled at me. Here, in this little cave we’d created for ourselves, this little section of life we’d carved out, he smiled. It was bright and fierce, and I reached up to brush another tear away from his cheek before it could fall onto the pillow.
He said, “My father loved me.”
I said, “He did. Very much.”
He said, “I don’t know why I never realized it. How deep it went.”
I said, “How could he not?”
He said, “We’ll fix this.”
I said, “If we can’t?”
He said, “Then we start again. From the beginning. It may take time, and there will be days when we both get frustrated, days when you’ll wonder if I’m not better off with someone else, and I’ll tell you to stop acting like such an idiot. You’ll scowl at me, and I won’t pay it any mind because I’ve had enough with the sheer amount of martyrs that we seem to have in this pack. But those days will be few and far between because every day will be us. You and me. And I won’t stop. I won’t ever stop. Even if I lose you again, if you somehow forget all of this, I’ll do it again. And again. And again.”
I was shaking. I couldn’t stop. “Why?”
“Because you filled a hole in me I didn’t even know was there. You make me complete. You make me happy. I see you, Robbie. I see you.”
He pulled me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me. I buried my face in his neck, breathing him in as I shuddered and shook. He whispered quietly to me in that gravel-sick voice, saying, “Robbie, Robbie, Robbie, you’re here. You’re with me. You’re safe. You’re home. You’re home. You’re home.”
I was breaking, collapsing in on myself. It ripped through me, tearing everything that stood in its way. In the dust and ruins of all that remained, there was only him and me hidden away from the world that moved around us. I was scraped hollow and raw, and I tried to find the words to say what it meant, what I was feeling, how desperate I was to believe every single thing he’d said.
And when I finally spoke, I spoke from the depths of everything I had left.
I said, “I’m going to love you again, okay? I promise.”
He held me tighter, and his breath was warm in my ear. “I know.”
Eventually we slept.
