I WOKE up to my phone ringing. It was Krista. I debated not answering, but she would only keep calling.
“Yeah.”
“Have you seen Sports World TV?”
“What?”
“How about the front of any newspaper in this city?”
“No,” I sat up in bed. “What’s going on?”
“Go turn on your TV.”
“Hang on.” I yanked on a pair of shorts and walked out into the living room. Zoey’s door was closed. Last night’s kiss came screaming back to memory. Fucking fuck. I rubbed my face. “What time is it?”
“It’s 7 AM. Just turn on your fucking TV.”
I grabbed the remote and flipped it to Sports World. There were two anchors talking and behind them, on the huge screen, was my photo. The one that Zoey took. Last night.
“What the fuck?”
“Did you post a picture on Instagram yesterday?” Krista spoke in my ear.
“Zoey did.”
“Well, it’s gone viral.”
“What does that mean? Viral?” It sounded like a disease.
“Ryan. Your photo is everywhere. They are talking about it on every syndicated sports channel. It’s on the cover of three newspapers in Vancouver. This is bigger than when Gisele dropped the F-bomb after the Super Bowl.”
I sat down on the couch. “Oh, fuck.”
“Fuck? Fuck? Ryan, this is fantastic. I have had no less than nine requests for interviews this morning. The most prestigious men’s health magazine wants to put you on the cover.”
I covered my mouth and looked up at the screen. “Why?”
“Why? Because in that photo, you scream hot sex. You’re like the newest rock star of hockey. I can’t pay to get this kind of publicity.”
“Zoey posted that.”
Krista was vibrating through the phone. “Well, she is a freaking genius because that photo has hundreds of thousands of likes. It is trending on Twitter. That photo has its own Hashtag. Someone has offered you a freaking commercial.”
“What about the NHL? Are they going to be pissed?”
“Are you kidding me? They love it.”
“Krista.”
“Ryan. You tell Zoey that she’s my girl. Keep her close, let her be snap happy and tell her that the next time I see her, I’m taking her on the biggest shopping spree of her life.”
“Really?” I kinda like that idea.
“Another call coming in about you. I have to go.”
And then there was silence.
I sat there on the couch for a long moment. The couch where I had taken advantage of Zoey until Jensen’s text had yanked me back into reality. I was such an asshole. I needed to clear my head. I needed to run.
THE AIR WAS COOL. I pulled my hoodie over my head and ran along the water’s edge. What the fuck was I doing? Why had I kissed Zoey? What the fuck was Jensen up to? Was he going after her to spite me? Would he crush her heart? She was so emotionally guarded but so vulnerable at the same time. Last night, during the movie, she had been like a scared cat, flying high in the air and landing on me. That girl was still in fight-or-flight response. Hyper aware, in survival mode. Initially, when I pulled her close, she had been like a stiff little board, unable to relax. And then, I had felt that moment she had finally let down her guard, and she sighed and let go. Letting herself rest against me. How much had it cost her to trust me like that?
I hadn’t wanted to stop holding her. I liked the feeling of her so vulnerable, so open and trusting, snuggling against me. And then I watched her fall asleep in my arms. How long did I lie there looking at her? Knowing I needed to wake her, to be gentle with her. But instead, I had just watched her sleep. Her easy breathing. Wondering what had happened to her to make her so aware, needing to be on guard all the time?
I ran faster.
When she woke up, I knew it was wrong. God, it had been so wrong to kiss her, but I couldn’t help myself. I told myself just one little kiss. When I had lowered my mouth to her, I had been fully expecting her to shove me off but instead, she had made that sound and that was it for me. I was all in. Wild horses couldn’t have pulled me from that kiss.
I ran faster.
Her mouth. I could have kissed that mouth all night. When was the last time I had taken my time to kiss someone like that? Lately, sex had become so clinical. So meaningless. But kissing her, I had felt every second of that kiss, deep into my gut. I had been present for that kiss. All there. Where had I been planning on taking that kiss?
Images of Zoey arching against me while I touched her in my bed flashed through my mind. I wanted her. And I wanted her bad. And I definitely would have taken that kiss all the way.
I ran faster.
God, I was such an asshole.
Zoey trusted me. When was the last time she trusted anyone? I should nurture that trust, not use that trust to get her pants off.
I staggered to a stop, bent over, hands on my knees, gasping for air. I was so critical of Jensen, but how honorable were my intentions? If I hurt Zoey, after she had let me in this far, would she ever recover? And my fucking track record with relationships was bad. I had a trail of weeping, clinging women in my past, all wanting more while I walked away. Which is why I had resorted to meaningless, don’t-remember-your-name sex.
Why was I such an asshole?
I needed to set things straight with Zoey. I needed to protect her. Make sure she didn’t get hurt with myself or Jensen. I needed to get her back on her feet and give her a fucking chance in this world. Messing around with her would only mess her up more.
She needed to be off limits.
I slowly ran back home. I would fix this somehow. And then we would get back on track and if it killed me, I would keep my hands to myself. She deserved more than what I had to offer. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.
I LET myself into the apartment. Zoey was sitting at the island. She spun around when I came in. Her eyes were wide, on my face. I walked into the kitchen, still breathing hard. I drained a glass of water and then set it down carefully on the island.
Her face looked pinched. She looked upset.
“Zoey.”
“The photo I took went viral,” she blurted out.
“I know.”
Her eyes were big. “Are you mad?”
I rubbed the sweat from my face with the arm of my sweatshirt. “Krista is happy about it.”
Her entire body sagged. “She’s not pissed?”
“No.”
Big blue eyes on my face. “Are you?”
I didn’t give a fuck about the picture. I shut my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Zoey. We have to talk.”
She froze and nodded, her eyes dropping to the island. “Okay.”
What was going through her mind? She went from stressed to deflated in a heartbeat. I couldn’t seem to get a handle on her or how her mind worked.
“The picture is fine. If Krista is happy then I’m happy. She said to keep up the good work, and that she wants to gift you with a shopping spree for all the free publicity you got us.”
Her head shot up. “Really?”
“Yes.”
“So you’re not mad.”
“About the photo? No. You seem to know what you are doing. I trust you.”
She slowly nodded, processing that. Confusion clouded her face. “So what did you want to talk about?”
I pushed both hands through my wet hair. “Last night.”
Her mouth dropped open in shock and blue eyes met mine. “That’s what you want to talk about?”
How had I become the junior high school girl in this conversation?
“I’m obviously attracted to you but nothing good can come out of that.”
“You mean, if we have sex.”
She might as well have kicked me in the nuts. “Yeah.”
“You think it’s a bad idea?”
No, I think it’s a fucking great idea.
“I don’t have the best track record in that department. And if it gets weird, you’re the one who’d pay.”
“You mean, if I had to leave.”
Jesus. She didn’t hold any punches. “I’d never ask you to leave.”
“So, you want to avoid having to live with someone you slept with after it gets weird?”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
Did she have to agree so readily?
“You think so?”
She lifted her good shoulder. “It’s one thing to be living here as a friend, but if we are sleeping together and living together, that would undoubtedly get complicated.”
I let out a long breath. I should feel relief. Why did I feel like taking my hockey stick and smashing it into something hard until big chunks of wood were flying everywhere?
“We don’t want complicated.”
She looked down. “It was nice though. Wasn’t it?”
I wanted to jump over that island and show her how nice it had been. “Yes. I enjoyed it. A lot.”
She smiled a smile that almost took my breath away. “Me too. It might have been in the top five of all my kisses.”
“Really? Because that was probably my top kiss.”
Now why the fuck had I said that?
She bit her bottom lip. “Okay. I just said top five because I didn’t even think I would make your top ten list, but it was definitely my top kiss too.”
I stared at her, and was a nanosecond from saying fuck it and hauling her into my bedroom, when she slid off the chair. She was done with this conversation. “Okay. Do you have practice?”
“I do.”
“That’s cool.”
I watched as she walked towards her room.
“What are you up to?” I called after her. I sounded so clingy. What the fuck?
“I’m going to look at the IKEA website on my phone and plan your bathrooms.”
“Okay.”
I watched as she disappeared into her bedroom and shut the door.
Fuck. My dick was hard again. So hard and so ready to go.
You’re doing the right thing, Parker. Just skate it off.
I WAS BEING A DICK. Again. I couldn’t help it.
After practice, I came home and Zoey was waiting at home for me. She was so happy to see me. And she looked so damn cute with that smile of hers, I knew if I spent any time with her, I would break all my good intentions. So, I told her I was going out. She looked crushed, but she nodded and didn’t ask me where I was going.
I ended up going to see two movies. The entire time I kept thinking how much Zoey would have loved to be at the movies, and I hated myself for not inviting her, but I needed to strike some serious distance between the two of us.
The second day, after practice, I didn’t even bother going home. I headed out to a sports bar. I watched three games, ate dinner there, and drank enough that I needed to call KEYS PLEASE and pay for someone to drive my car home.
It was after midnight when I let myself into the dark apartment. I turned on the light and there was Zoey, arms wrapped around her knees, on the couch. She squinted her eyes against the light. I paused, staring at her, taking in the white tank top and checkered pink pajama shorts.
“Zoey.”
She said nothing as she looked up at me with those big blue eyes.
“Everything okay?” I tried again.
“You’re okay.” Her breath hitched. “I was worried.”
Her anxiety made me feel sick. I dropped to the couch beside her. “I’m okay. You didn’t need to worry.”
She waited a long moment before she spoke. ‘When I was six, my parents went skiing. They left me with the babysitter. They told me they would be home in time to take me out for dinner.” She ran a finger over the edge of her sling. “I waited. And I didn’t want to eat because they told me they would be home. I waited by the window for hours for them to come home. But that was it. I never saw them again. They were skiing out of bounds and they got hit by an avalanche.”
My heart was in my throat. “Oh, Zoey.”
“My parents were new to Canada. My mom didn’t have any family, she grew up in an orphanage. My dad’s mom was the only one left in the Ukraine and she was old and sick. So, she could not take me. She passed away 6 months after I got put in foster care.”
I couldn’t even speak. I gently took her hand. She didn’t resist me when I pulled her onto my lap. And then she was curled up against me. Head on my chest. No resistance this time. The thought of a six-year-old Zoey, with her big blue eyes, being sent to a foster home, nearly ripped my heart out. I put my arms around her and she gave this tiny little sigh.
“Zoey, I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“I wanted to explain why I was worried.”
I hated myself for putting her through that.
“Zoey, I should have called and let you know where I was.”
She lifted her head and looked at me. “Were you on a date?”
Where did she come up with this stuff? “No. I was just watching a game in some bar.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“No.”
“Is this your way of telling me you need me to move out?”
“Not even close.”
She sighed and laid her head back against my chest. “Are you drunk?”
“A bit.”
“Okay.”
We sat there for a long time. It alarmed me how much I enjoyed just holding her.
“I have a game tomorrow night. Do you want to come and cheer me on?”
She didn’t lift her head. “Yes.”
“Are you going to wear my jersey?”
“Yup.”
“Are we good?”
She lifted her head. “I have your bathroom all planned out.”
I smiled. “For our IKEA date?”
“What do you think of a blue-toned bathroom?”
God that mouth. Those lips.
“I think if the bathroom looks half as good as your room, it’s going to look amazing.”
“I already picked out what I’m going to eat for dinner at IKEA.”
Why was she so damn cute?
“I honestly can’t wait.” And that was the truth.
We looked at each other.
“Zoey, no more talk about you leaving, okay?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “Only if you promise to be straight with me when you want me gone.”
“What do you think I will do? Come home one day and tell you to get out?”
She swallowed. “Yes.”
What could I say to reassure her? “Zoey, when we think you’re thriving, we’ll go out together and find you a place to live. And there will be no surprises.”
She stared at me.
I lightly brushed the hair from her eyes. “Would that work for you?”
She put her small hand on my cheek. “You’re a nice person, Ryan.”
“You might be the only person who thinks that.”
“Can I make you breakfast tomorrow?”
Another smile tugged from me. “Why would you want to do that?”
“I like to do that stuff.”
“Then I’d like that.”
I felt a loss the moment she climbed off my lap. “Night, Ryan.”
“Night, Zobenia.”
She spun around at the sound of her name but a little smile played on her lips.
I remained sitting there and tried but failed to take my eyes off those bare legs as she walked back to her room.
