My hands are literally shaking, my whole body is tense and strung out. My head is screaming at me that this is the worst idea I’ve had in my whole life, and believe me, I’ve had some of the worst fucking ideas in life. Like, for example, when I thought I would be able to sew my own clothes. It took me over six months of saving to buy a secondhand sewing machine, only to figure out I fucking hated every single second of it. Then I thought I would knit a sweater, except all I knew how to knit was a straight line so I did scarfs. I wish I could say they were nice, but they were not. There were big holes in them, and that went away quickly. Now this right here standing, well actually, on my knee in Levi’s kitchen is at the top of that list. It is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done, but it is also the only thing I can control. “Cat got your tongue?” I ask Levi, trying not to laugh in his face. The nerves are now running through my body. His face has gone from shocked to pale, and I hope he won’t faint on me.
“Oh my God, Eva,” he groans, and I drop my hand when he steps away.
“Okay, how about,” I start to say, “we just meet with my lawyer?” I hold up my hand to stop him from talking when he opens his mouth. “You can ask her any questions you want.” I don’t know if I hold my breath or not, but every single second that ticks by feels like an eon.
“I can’t believe I’m even discussing this,” he finally relents and all I can do is jump off the floor and launch myself into his arms. My arms go around his neck and his arms go around my waist as I give him a hug. I bury my face in his neck, feeling safe as always in his arms.
Before putting my hands on his shoulders, I look into his eyes. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” My hands slap his shoulders with each word, before pushing off him and being put on my feet.
“Don’t thank me just yet,” he mumbles, “we still have to meet with the lawyer.” He rubs his face with his hands.
“Oh, come on.” I place my hip against the counter. “It’s not going to be that bad.” Even though I say the words out loud, my head screams, it’s going to be so much worse than just this.
“I don’t know about that.” He looks down and back up.
“Listen, I know it will be hard for you to even think of committing yourself for a full year. That’s three hundred and sixty-five days. To someone who never, ever had a relationship longer than a four-day weekend fuck fest, which was only because your flight kept getting canceled, this is like eighty-four years.” I fold my arms over my chest as he glares at me. “But I promise I will make it as easy as I can.” I hold up my three fingers. “Scout’s honor.”
“One, it was three and a half days, and if it had been a second longer, my dick would have fallen off.” He holds his hand up with one finger.
“Barf.” I fake vomit at the thought of his dick falling off, or of his dick in general. There is something to be said about being best friends with a guy who you don’t find at all attractive. I mean he’s hot, sure, and I can appreciate the view, but the mere thought of doing anything sexual with him makes me want to gag. It could also be because I know if we cross that line, we can never get what we have back. And I’m not willing to lose that for a thirty-second orgasm.
“And two, if I wanted to be in a relationship, I would be.” He puts up another finger and my eyebrows go up. “I don’t want a relationship because I don’t have the time to put into a relationship right now.”
“Okay, there.” I nod, saying sure, but not pointing out that he makes time for me whenever he’s in town. He texts me at least once a day, even if it’s to send me a stupid video.
He tilts his head to the side, and I know he can see through me. “How are you doing though?” His voice goes soft, and I roll my eyes and look away from him as I try to blink away the tears that are dying to come out. Tears I know that once one falls, it’ll be a while before they stop. All day long, I’ve done what I needed to in order not to let my brain stop and think of what happened.
Of course, he would ask me this. I take a deep inhale as I try to get my heart under control so I don’t lose my handle on the tears but then I just collapse. “I don’t know really.” I put my hand on the counter as I look over his shoulder toward the window. “I’m a bit all over the place,” I finally get out. “I went to work today just so I wouldn’t sit down and have to think about it.” I look at him and see his eyes stare into mine. “If I stop and take a minute, I’m afraid I’m going to completely fall apart.” I blink away quickly as my eyes start to burn. “And no one has time for that.” I see him take a step toward me and I hold up my hand to stop him. “If you go soft on me, I’m going to take back my marriage proposal.”
He takes a huge inhale before he looks at me. “Make the appointment.”
I smile so big. “Tomorrow morning at ten.”
He stares at me as his mouth hangs open, then closes when he presses his teeth together and hisses out, “Fine, text me the address.”
“Will do. Do you mind if I get out of here?” I ask, motioning with my head to the front door. “I need to just…”
“Go.” He pushes off from the counter. “Text me when you get home.”
“You literally have my location on your phone,” I remind him as he walks me to the front door. He opens the door for me, and I get on my tippy-toes to kiss his cheek. “Thank you for tonight,” I tell him, “and also, you should open a couple of windows; it smells like a frat house in here. Like feet and Doritos.”
He huffs again. “It’s my gym bag.” He points at the bag beside our feet.
“It also smells like—” He puts a finger on my lips.
“I haven’t had sex here in over a month, if not longer, so now I know you’re lying.” His eyes shine bright.
I push his finger away from my mouth. “I was going to say it smells like Axe body spray.” I turn to walk out of his place and to the elevator.
“You can stop watching me now,” I call over my shoulder.
“I’m just making sure that you get in the elevator safe.” He leans against the doorjamb. “Besides, if you end up on Dateline, I’m not going to be the asshole who didn’t watch you get into the elevator.”
The elevator pings, and I step into it, pressing the L button before looking at him. “You can close your door now. If I get murdered, you’ll look like a bang-up guy who didn’t even walk me to my car.” He looks at me, shocked. “After my sister died,” I toss out right before the doors close and see him racing toward the elevator. I can’t help the tears from rolling down my cheeks as I swallow down the lump in my throat. Today has, without a doubt, been the hardest day I’ve ever had, and even when I buried my grandmother, this is ten times worse because of Cici. I went to work thinking everything was going to be okay, but it wasn’t. I told Raquel, and she told me she would take care of everything. For once, I let her, and I spent the rest of the time on the phone with Lisa’s lawyer and then my lawyer. I wasn’t surprised Lisa had everything in place. That was just the thing she would do to make sure she was taken care of and so was Cici. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone, not even in death.
I don’t even know how I make it home. I don’t even know what route I took or if there was traffic. All I know is I walk into my house and go straight for the stairs to my bedroom. My house. A house I worked my ass off to buy. A house that is small but perfect. A house I’ve wanted all my life.
I walk through my bedroom to my bathroom, turning on the water in the tub before sliding out of my jeans and T-shirt. The room is in darkness still, the only light is from the outside coming into the open shades. I sink into the deep tub I had put in after I moved in, because the tub before was small and I wanted to be able to sink into the water. I submerge into the water, wetting my hair. I tilt my head back before coming out of the water. This time I don’t know if it’s my tears that are wetting my face or if it’s the water from the bath. I look to the side as memories of my sister run through my head like a movie over and over again. Staying in the water until it’s ice cold, I slip on my robe and head straight to my bed. Tossing the covers back, I don’t even bother taking off the throw pillows before putting my head down.
Sleep doesn’t come, or if it does it’s in spurts of ten to fifteen minutes. I toss from one side to the other before finally giving up and walking downstairs. I grab one of my coffee mugs before putting a pod into the machine and pressing the button. I wait for the last drop before moving to the stainless-steel fridge and grabbing the milk. Once I fill the cup with the right amount of milk, I walk back upstairs to get ready for the day.
I put my cup of coffee down on the side table, right near the frame of Cici and myself on the day of her christening. I smile down at it as one lone tear falls down my cheek. I grab my phone and google how long a nine-month-old can remember things. I press enter and start down the rabbit hole to make sure that in the amount of time Cici will be without me she isn’t going to suffer a trauma from being ripped away from her mother. I’m in a sobbing fit by the time I put the phone down and walk over to get ready for the lawyer.
I pull out a black pair of capri pants that are tight on the hips and go wide on the way down. Slipping my sleeveless, black silk top off the hanger and putting it over my head, I’m tucking it in when I hear the front doorbell ring and the door open. “Eva.” I hear Levi’s voice.
“Upstairs, in my room!” I holler and hear his footsteps come closer and closer until he stands at the entrance to the bedroom. He’s wearing blue jeans and a baby-blue button-down shirt rolled from the wrist to his elbow.
“Hey,” he says, looking at my face, “you okay?”
“I’m fine. I just—” I look down and let the tears come. “I just don’t want her to think I just gave her away.” I wring my hands together.
“Eva.” He says my name and comes to me, taking me into his arms. He smells like soap and his aftershave. “She’s not even going to remember this.”
“It takes a month,” I inform him. “At six months, they forget after two weeks. Nine months it’s a month and a half.” He looks down at me. “Google.” I put my head back on his chest as he rubs my back. “Good news is they don’t understand the concept of time. It could be six hours or six months to them, it’s all the same.”
“How about we don’t google anything for a while?” he suggests.
“Good idea.” I step away from him and wipe my eyes. “How do I look?”
“Amazing,” he replies, and I can’t help but laugh when I know he’s lying. “A little rough, if we’re being honest.” He picks up a strand of my hair. “Are we brushing our hair or is this the new look?”
“Are we going for the slicked-back mobster look?” I ask of his hair that is pushed back and combed to the side.
“Ummm.” He puts his hands on his hips. “I got this look from your salon two weeks ago.” He pats his hair. “It was all the rage.”
I nod before going to the bathroom and looking at my hair. It’s all over the place because I went to bed with it wet. I don’t have time to tame it, so instead, I brush through it before separating it in the middle and putting it back at the nape of my neck in a ponytail. I walk out of the bathroom seeing Levi sitting on my bed, his head down, looking at his phone. “Better?” I ask, and he looks up.
“You look like a mom,” he responds to me and I smile sadly. “Let’s go so I can get you some coffee.”
I nod, grabbing my phone and the coffee cup before walking back down to the kitchen and putting the cup in the sink, then sliding on my black heels at the door. I grab my purse while Levi holds the door open for me, and the two of us make it to his car. I get in, and neither of us says anything. I’m sure his head is spinning as much as mine is.
When we get to the office, he puts the car in park, looking over at me. “You ready?” he asks.
“No.” I reach out to the door handle. “You?”
“Absolutely not,” he returns, reaching out and opening his door. I wait for him to join me before walking over to the glass door.
I pull open the door and step in, seeing Alice there waiting for us. “Welcome. Sorry, it’s Sunday, so there is no one here but me.”
“It’s more than okay. Thank you for making time,” I tell her as I step in. “This is Levi.” I introduce her, and he extends his hand to her.
“Pleasure,” he states, shaking her hand.
“Come with me.” Alice turns and walks down the hallway to her office. “Sit anywhere you like.” She waits for us to step into her office before she follows us in.
Levi puts his hand on the lower part of my back, ushering me to the two chairs that face her big mahogany desk. I sit down and look over to see Levi sitting beside me. Alice walks around the desk and sits down in the big brown chair. “Okay.” She smiles sadly at me. “The good news is we didn’t find another will, so what they have is the only one.”
“That’s good, right?” I ask and Alice nods.
“Does that mean she doesn’t need a husband?” Levi asks, and she looks at Levi.
“Like I was telling Eva,” she starts, “Cici is in the system, and even though she will gain custody of her, the State will still have visits. Eva will still have to go through all the steps in order to make it official to be her primary caretaker. Now keep in mind, there are many single parents out there, but it just looks better on paper when it’s a couple and not a single lady, who just bought a house. Her business is taking off, but still, it’s paid off.”
“Okay, so say we do this,” Levi says. “What does it entail?”
“Well, usually, after a year, things die down. So worst case, you stay married for a year,” Alice explains. “If things move faster, then you get divorced faster.”
“Does he need to move in with me?” I ask Alice.
“Obviously, the two of you have to move in with each other. So it shows you are married. It’s what married people do.”
“I have to move in with her?” Levi now asks, confused. “What about my place?”
“You can still keep your place,” Alice replies, “there isn’t any law against that.”
I don’t even hear what else Alice says, I’m more focused on Levi and wondering how he is feeling. “If you have any questions,” Alice offers and I look over to see her standing up and Levi following her.
I get up and walk out, thanking her again. “I’ll call and let you know what we decide,” I tell her as I follow Levi out.
We walk to the car and I look over at him. “You can say no,” I tell him, “I can always just get her when I’m single.”
He turns and looks at me. “You know what pisses me off the most?” He puts his hands on his hips. “If the roles were reversed and you came to me, and I asked you to marry me for whatever reason…” He looks up at the sky. “You would do it without thinking twice.”
“Well, yeah. Obviously. You need my help, I’m there.”
I wait, holding my breath as he paces back and forth in front of me, no doubt having a whole conversation in his head about this. “Fine,” he huffs. “What’s the worst that can happen?”
