“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
Jay
Tuesday, August 20th, 2013. 2:00 p.m.
Eyes, always his eyes. They are always watching me. They find me in the dark like candles on fire. They tempt me to walk a path unknown yet enticing. His touch lingers on my skin, even after only one brief moment of contact. Rugged fingers craving to feel me.
His gun glistens in the moonlight as he watches over me, day and night. He’s always there. Screams and blood follow him wherever he goes. It does not scare me anymore. This is what he does, but not what he desires. In the shadows he hungers for me.
And I in turn yearn for him.
***
Sipping in the air, I feel like my chest is on fire. What I just saw was real, and yet it was all in my mind. Flashes of a life that was mine surge through my head. I can’t remember, but bits and pieces trickle into my mind like droplets of water falling into a pond.
And then it’s gone again.
I don’t even remember what I saw.
X sits next to me, his hands on the steering wheel, his gaze sometimes darting to me to check up on me. My heart is pounding, but I try not to let it show. I won’t show any weakness. I’ve seen so many people die these last few days, it’s all starting to feel so unreal. They drop like flies. Every day I wake up thinking it was all just a bad dream. Except it isn’t; I’m still in this car with X, still his ‘prisoner,’ still on the run from people who want to kill me for whatever reason.
I’m shivering from top to bottom, trying not to focus too much on the fact that I’m covered in blood. Someone else’s blood. Someone who’s dead now. So many bodies. So many injured. So much pain. I wish I could stop it all. I wish I had control. But I know X would never allow me to leave, not even to save those people. I might be a self-absorbed bitch, but those people shouldn’t have died because I was there. They were looking for me, and now all the people at that diner are dead.
I take a deep breath and sigh my worries away while I look out the window. We’re almost back at the hotel, and I’m wondering what X is planning to do. Does he plan on staying there? Or will we move again? And if so, will I have a chance at escaping then?
So many questions, so few answers. At times like these the first thing I think of is drugs. Yep, I’m so fucking addicted, it’s not even close to fun. I don’t want to feel this craving. It’s just another layer of weakness I can’t afford anymore. I have to strip away the vulnerabilities and close them off. Being strong is my only choice to survive this.
When we’re finally at the hotel room and X closes the door, locking it again, I just stand in the middle of the room, giving everything that just happened a place. X is behind me, and I can hear him pull some buttons. The sound of cotton being draped off his shoulders is alarming. It frightens me, because I know what usually comes next. The beast in him must be released. Whenever he’s killed someone he comes back to me and …
I swallow away the fear. I can’t think like that. Can’t let him see that he has this effect on me. I don’t even want to think about it, because it’s tearing me apart and I won’t allow him to do that to me.
I hear him place his shirt and gun on the chair. His steps are heavy as he walks past me and goes into the bathroom. While he turns on the shower, I look behind me. His gun is the first thing that catches my eye. It’s right there for the taking. Suddenly, I’m overcome with the overwhelming desire to use it.
One glance at X and I know he isn’t looking, so I take a chance and walk toward it. I pick it up. It feels heavy, and my hands start trembling again. It’s because I know what it’s like to kill someone now. I know what I did and it terrifies the living shit out of me. I could kill someone. I could kill him.
As I turn around with the gun in my hand, X is suddenly in front of me.
I squeal and point it at him. “Don’t come any closer!”
All he does is lift an eyebrow.
The gun is shaking vigorously. He shakes his head and a chuckle escapes his mouth. “You won’t, because you know I’m the only one who keeps you alive.”
“I don’t believe you,” I say, my voice croaky. “What does alive mean anyway when I have to spend my time like this?”
“You’ve seen them. They’d take your head in an instant. Do you think those men were the only ones? Wrong. The organization is larger than you can imagine. They’re everywhere, and now they know exactly what you look like. It won’t take long before word gets out. You would be dead by now if it wasn’t for me.”
He raises his hand to the gun, but I pull back and do the unthinkable. I place it against my temple. “I’d rather be dead then,” I say, my voice wavering.
“Jay …” He sighs. “You don’t want to do that. You don’t want to give up already, do you?”
“I want to live my life the way I pictured it.” Tears form in my eyes. The way I pictured it is far, far from reality. Rainbows and sunshine don’t exist here.
“Pointing a gun at your head won’t help with that.” He clears his throat and takes a deep breath. “Jay, don’t do that. You don’t want to hurt yourself.”
“And what if I do? I fucking killed people, X! I killed them … I took their lives … and for what? To save my own? Is it worth it? My pathetic life is useless and I traded it for theirs. I’m a monster.”
He rubs his lips together. “You did what you had to … to survive. It’s a kill or be killed world. Fairy tales don’t exist. Don’t tell yourself they do. Take life for what it is and be happy you still have it. Some weren’t so lucky.” He holds up his hand, looking at the gun. “You have another shot at life every time I save your life and every time you save your life. Don’t waste it by killing yourself.”
My fingers tremble as a tear trickles down my cheek. Time is slow and irrevocably lost whenever I try to grasp for it. Everything is an illusion. My life, my happiness, my freedom. I can’t even control my own destiny.
His hand is so close now that I just let him take it. I can’t do it. As much as I want to put an end to this, I can’t. I can’t pull the trigger without knowing what’ll happen. I guess I could never lose control after all.
He pries the gun from my hand and puts it on the table beside him. He’s still right in front of me, gazing at me with a barely visible smile on his face. “You’re mine now,” he says, cupping my face. “I won’t let anyone kill you. Not even yourself.” He laughs. “Let us be monsters together.”
I take a deep breath and wish the tears would stop running. I hate them. I hate weakness, but I can’t stop them from flooding out of me.
“I’ll protect you,” X murmurs, wiping away the tears with his thumb. “I protect everything that’s mine, because I won’t allow anyone to take it from me. I’m a little selfish, you see. I tend to want more from people than they can offer. Lucky for me, you can handle everything I give to you.” He leans in so close I can smell his cologne. His tongue darts out in a flash, sucking up my tears. Then he licks the seam of his mouth and grins. “Even your tears are delicious … hmmm.”
He presses his lips on mine and kisses me, hard. His lips are rough, but numb the pain inside. For a moment I drift away into oblivion and forget about everything. His warm mouth has a tantalizing effect on me, something I haven’t experienced with any of the other men I’ve been with. This feels so comfortable and safe. At the same time that feeling freaks me out. It shouldn’t be like this, and yet it is. I want him to kiss me.
And then he stops. His one eye glistens with desire as he grabs my arm and pulls me toward the bathroom. There, he waits. Slowly, he starts undressing me. One by one the layers disappear until everything is gone and I’m completely naked. I let him see all of me. Even though I’ve been naked before, it’s never been this naked. This vulnerable. At my absolute weakest point, I let him overtake me and give me comfort when I need it the most. This man, a killer, comforts me right now. The man who abducted me. It’s too stupid and insane to put into words, but it’s true.
He throws away my panties and starts kissing my leg, starting at the tips of my feet. It feels good, but when I look down it’s scary. I still fear he might turn against me at any moment and put me in severe pain. I don’t want to have to go through that again. Upsetting him means receiving punishment, so I keep calm and let him do what he wants. I surrender my body to him so that I’ll stay safe. However bizarre that sounds, it’s the only way to survive.
His tongue drags all the way up to my hips, leaving little pecks as he reaches my pussy. I get the urge to close my legs and move away, but he slaps my inner thigh with the palm of his hand.
“Spread.” His voice is guttural and sends shivers down my spine. He stands up again and takes off his belt, keeping his eye fixed on me. I dare not look away as he starts undressing again. My eyes drift down the inked ridges of his muscular abs and zoom in on his erection when it bobs out of his boxer briefs. Carefully taking my hand, he guides me into the bathtub and under the shower. The warmth of the water cleanses away my sadness, my fears, my sins. It feels nice.
As X steps into the bathtub I look down. The water turns crimson as it mixes with the blood of our victims. My body shakes when I see the droplets run down my hands and face.
X grabs my chin. “Don’t look at it. Look at me instead.”
He comes closer and cups my face with both hands before kissing me. His lips are soft and smooth, not rough like before. Each time he touches me it feels different. I feel different. I feel like both of us are changing, going toward a place we can no longer return from. I’m not sure if I should fight it.
The more he kisses me, the more I’m lost in him. The world around me ceases to exist. His mouth on mine is all that matters. He kisses away the hurt, kisses me until I can no longer think for myself.
His tongue darts out to dance around mine. He explores every crevice in my mouth, lapping me up with luscious licks that soothe the pain. My tears mix with the water of the shower, and I no longer feel the difference between them. His cock prods my thigh and it turns me on. It’s happened so often now, I no longer feel ashamed about it. I don’t know what this is, or where it’s going, but I’m taking it as it comes. I’m not going to fight it anymore; there’s no use. I’m already hooked.
When he takes his lips off mine I’m already leaning in to receive more. He squints, a devilish smile on his face. As he licks his lip and bites on it a little, he says, “You tempt me, little bird.”
I suck in my lips. Treacherous little things, wanting more. “Tempt you?” I hint at a question.
He plants a single kiss on my jaw. “There are so many more important things to do right now,” he whispers close to my ear. “But I can’t stop myself from ravaging you first.” He nips my earlobe, biting it until I hiss. Goose bumps riddle my body as he moves down my neck and sucks on my skin. Sinking his teeth into me, he leaves bite marks all over. He travels down to my sternum, still leaving rough kisses everywhere, until he reaches my nipples. With his index finger and thumb he hardens them.
“You turn out to be a good little slut after all,” he says. “I don’t regret claiming you as my pet.” He pulls and tugs on my nipples until a desperate moan escapes my mouth. “It sounds as though you’re enjoying this quite a bit, too.” A groan-laugh rumbles in his chest as he places his lips over my nipple and starts sucking, hard. I writhe from the attention he’s giving them, suckling them until pain settles in. Good pain. Pain that makes my clit throb.
“Hmmm … you like this a lot,” X murmurs against my taut peak. His tongue darts out to circle around the crown, teasing me, awakening my desires. I’m not resisting anymore. My hands are on his back as I let him play with me. He seems to enjoy the fact that I let him do whatever. There’s a big smile on his face, and he keeps looking up at me, as if he’s wondering how I feel about all this. I don’t care anymore. Only pleasure seeps in.
“A little too much …” he mutters.
Whack!
The sudden slap to my ass pulls me back to reality, back to this place, back to him. He sets his teeth on my skin and bites down. I scream as his teeth sink into my nipple while he toys with the other. When he takes his mouth off again, a red ring appears around my nipple.
“Gorgeous,” he says. With his tongue he laps up a droplet of blood and licks his lip when he’s done. “What do you think?”
“It hurts …” I say, frowning, looking away.
“Good.” He grabs my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Do not take your eyes off me.” His eyes narrow. “You don’t get to deny me your eyes. You will watch me when I take from you, because everything that is you belongs to me now. You belong to me now. And you will accept everything I give you and thank me for it.”
He slaps my ass again, making me jolt up. “Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir,” I say.
“Good. Now don’t forget it, or I will punish you for it.”
I shiver as he goes to his knees and taps my knees. “Spread.”
I set my feet apart, feeling vulnerable and open as he gazes up at my pussy. “Let’s see if this pussy deserves some attention.”
My lips quiver as his own are planted on my thigh. He leaves short, luscious kisses on my skin, working his way up to my pussy. There, he stops, but his hand doesn’t. Just his thumb presses down on my nub, sending shocks through my body.
“Oh … you like this?” he asks. I don’t know how to respond, because there are two possible answers; neither are good for me.
With the pad of his thumb he starts circling my nub, leaving kisses everywhere except where my body craves them the most. He’s never been this gentle, though, and it surprises me. I wonder if it can be like this more often. Wondering that is wrong, and I know it is, because I shouldn’t even want to be thinking about that. But I am.
“I think this little pussy wants more …” He grins as he stops kissing and touches my entrance with another finger. I gasp as he dips inside and feels me. He groans as he slips it in and out of me, going faster each time. Driving his finger into me while putting ample pressure on my clit creates an overload of sensations. I struggle to keep my legs spread while he fucks me with his finger.
“Do you want this?” he asks.
I nod swiftly, biting my lip.
Suddenly he takes his hands away and I’m left hanging. My pussy is throbbing with desire and he knows it. A wicked smile curves his lips. “Tell me.”
“Please … I want it, sir.”
He smiles, and leans in, blowing hot air onto my clit. “Hmm … you’ve done well today, little bird,” he hums against my skin. “This is your reward.”
When his tongue touches my nub I’m done for. The heat is rising, and it’s not because of the shower. His kisses are hot and make me moan in sinful pleasure. He laps me up with glee, licking me with just the right amount of pressure. From underneath his dark lashes he watches me quiver, his touch painfully pleasurable. His hands move from my legs up to my ass, gripping me tight as he buries his face in my pussy. With his lips he rubs my clit, and then dips his tongue into my entrance. I’m delirious with lust. It’s been a long time since a man went down on me, and shit, he knows how to work it.
“Hmm … I’m so glad you’re clean; now I can do all the things I was planning on doing.”
I got tested a few days ago, because X wanted to fuck me without a condom. Guess he got his wish after all. I can’t complain.
He swirls his tongue round and round, lapping me up like there’s no tomorrow. He groans as I moan, his fingers digging into my skin. His teeth appear and he sinks them into my flesh. A rush of fear sweeps through me as I fear he might bite my most sensitive part. Except, he doesn’t. Instead, he nibbles softly, pushing my limits.
Whack!
A strike to the ass pulls me away from pure bliss. “Don’t you come unless I say you can, little bird.”
“Yes, sir,” I moan as he whacks me again.
“I won’t allow you to disobey me again.”
“I know, sir.”
“Remember it.”
“I will, sir.”
“Good. Keep those legs spread. Place your hand on the wall and the other on the shower screen.”
I do as he says and position myself to allow him more entry. That’s what he wants, I think. I keep looking down at him, because that’s what he wants, too. I keep doing everything he desires … I’m turning into an obedient girl more and more … his obedient girl.
“You like pleasing me, don’t you?” he murmurs, lapping me up. “My little slut gets all wet for me.”
“Thank you, sir,” I moan. I know it’s what he wants to hear.
“You’re welcome.” He slaps my ass again, mixing pain with pleasure. Each time I’m on the verge of coming, he ends it quickly. I keep rising and falling, and it’s exactly what he wants.
“So fucking wet …” he whispers, pushing his tongue deeper and deeper until my pussy begins to throb so badly I can barely keep it together. “This pussy of mine wants to come so badly.” He chuckles, toying with my clit while he looks up at me. “Are you ready to come for me, slut?”
“Yes!”
He whacks my ass again and I squeal. “Yes, what?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Does this little slut want to please me? What will you do for me?”
“I want to come for you, sir.”
He smiles, and sucks on my nub again, almost pushing me over the edge. “Beg me to fuck you,” he murmurs against my flesh. “Beg!”
“Please … fuck me, sir.” The words come out in a slur as I feel the impending orgasm. “Can I come? Please?”
He takes his lips off my folds completely. A flat-handed smack follows. I whimper and scream.
“You’re not allowed.”
“Oh, fuck you,” I growl.
He laughs. “Ask me nicely, and I might.”
I frown and turn my head while he turns off the shower. Suddenly, he grabs my arm and drags me out of the bathtub. I stumble to follow him, still a little shaken by what just happened. My entire body is still zinging when he throws me onto the bed and pins my hands down near the bedpost. I struggle to fight him, but anxiety takes control again. Grabbing the cuffs, he chains my wrists down, my worst fear coming alive. I’m a prisoner again. A toy to play with as he sees fit. And worst of all, I know this has to happen. In order to win his trust, I must accept anything and everything he wants to take from me, including my freedom. Is it going to be like this forever?
“What are you going to do?” I ask, pulling on the cuffs. They feel a lot tighter now. I guess he learned from my past escape.
His hands slide up the curve of my body. “Simple. You are mine and I intend to use you as I see fit. I will take your body over and over again until you can no longer stand. I will demand your wetness and make you throb until you beg me to come. I will fuck your every orifice and spank your flesh until you turn crimson. And maybe then … maybe … will I grant you your orgasm. And you will thank me for it, little slut.” Desire and amusement glint in his eye. “Starting right now.”
