When I walked into the house, Beck, Alex, and Matt were sitting in the living room, watching a hockey game. Several containers sat on the table in front of them, half full of cookies.
“Hey,” Beck greeted, his face neutral.
Fuck, that hurt.
We’d agreed to keep things quiet at the house, but after what we’d done in the library, it sucked to be treated like one of the guys.
“Hey.” I paused, unsure of what to do.
“Beck’s mom made cookies.” Alex’s eyes were on the TV. “She addressed it to ‘Beck Andrews and residents,’ so dive in and gorge.”
Matt shifted into the middle of the couch so he was next to Beck, and I slid onto his vacated cushion.
The seven large containers on the coffee table were each neatly labeled with flowing cursive and little hearts dotting the i’s. I grabbed one of everything except the oatmeal raisin and peanut butter ones.
“So, who’s playing?” I bit into a red velvet cookie with cream cheese frosting. “Holy shit, these are good.”
Beck grinned. “Mom loves to bake.”
I couldn’t remember a time when my mother made anything other than reservations.
“It’s the Kings versus the Golden Knights.” Matt pointed at the screen. “See the ticker banner thing there? It says the teams.”
My face heated. Way to show what a dork you are, Finn.
“You’re from LA, right?” Alex grabbed another chocolate chip cookie.
“Yeah.”
“What do you think their chances are this year?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really follow hockey.”
Silence lapsed. I ate another cookie, this one butterscotch with rainbow chocolate chips. I had no idea what was going on. The players were moving so fast, and I couldn’t follow the puck as they shot it back and forth. One player smashed into another, sending him flying.
“Holy crap!” That had to be illegal, right?
No one else reacted.
Yup. I was way out of my element here.
“Offside,” all three guys shouted in outrage.
Huh?
“Thanks for the cookies.” I stood quickly. I was just going to keep embarrassing myself if I stayed.
I darted across the living room and up the stairs. On the second floor, I bumped into Eli. We did that awkward dance, each of us moving aside at the same moment and blocking each other.
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“You okay?” He stood still, and I shifted to the left.
“Fine.” I didn’t meet his eyes. “There are cookies downstairs.”
“I saw. Can’t, though. They’d mess up my blood sugar.”
I looked at him in surprise. “You’re a diabetic?”
“Type 1. Diagnosed at fourteen. Fun times.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
Eli smirked and swept past me.
Shaking my head, I hurried to my room.
I’d just successfully made an idiot of myself in front of all my roommates in the span of five minutes.
In an attempt to not focus on my embarrassment, I threw myself into writing a paper for one of my econ classes. It was about inflation, which was about as dry of a subject as you could get.
At least the numbers were soothing.
Yay for being a math nerd.
Knock knock knock.
The knocking yanked me out of my zone.
“It’s open.”
The door opened, and in came Anna.
“Hi.” I jumped up, nearly toppling my chair over.
“Hi yourself.” She gave me a curious look as she closed the door. “Everything okay?”
“Yes,” I said quickly. “Did I know you were coming over?”
“No.” She sat down on my bed. “I wanted to bring these over.”
She dug around in her bag and pulled out the figurine I’d painted.
“Thanks.” I took it from her. It looked like a kid had done it, the colors sloppy and uneven. Well, I’d never claimed to be an artist.
I put it on my desk.
“Here.” She held out a plate.
“What’s this? Holy shit. This is amazing.”
She’d painted a galaxy theme on it. The colors were bright, and the detail was incredible as if she’d painted it on a canvas and not on a piece of overpriced pottery.
“I figured you’d like it. To go with your alien.” She scooted up my bed and leaned against the headboard.
“This is for me?”
This wasn’t the first time she’d given me her art as a gift. She’d drawn me a three-episode comic called “The Adventures of Finn the Physicist” last year, giving me one book at Christmas, my birthday, then at the end of the year.
It was the most thoughtful gift I’d ever gotten.
“I thought you could put it up and see the stars when you’re stuck in your room studying all the stuff you hate.”
I carefully put the plate on my desk and leaned it against the wall. I’d have to get one of those stands to display it and make sure it didn’t fall.
“This is amazing. Thank you.”
I got off my desk chair and sat next to her on the bed.
“I miss you.” She rested her head against my shoulder.
“I miss you too. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy.”
“I get it.” Her voice was small. “You have new friends now. Friends you have more in common with.”
“It’s not that.” I shifted closer and wrapped my arm around her. “No new friend could ever replace my bestie.”
She made a soft sound and snuggled into me.
Anna was a toucher. Her love languages were gifts and physical touch, so I made sure to give her cuddles whenever she needed them.
“Maybe not. But we haven’t hung out in forever.”
“I know.”
I’d invited her to come to a few of the LGBT events I’d attended the past few weeks, but they were always scheduled during times when she was busy with her art program.
“Maybe we could do a sleepover on Friday night?” she asked quietly. “Eat our weight in takeout and watch bad horror movies like we used to.”
I opened my mouth to tell her I’d love to, but then I remembered Beck’s invitation.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m… busy this weekend. But next weekend?”
“I have a showing on Saturday and have to work on Sunday. I’ll be busy preparing all night on Friday.”
“How about I be your assistant for your show? Like last year. I’ll be your gopher boy.”
“Yeah?” She perked up a bit.
“Yeah. We can do a sleepover on Friday night, and I can help you break down after your show.”
“Are you sure you won’t be busy?”
“Nope. I’ve got nothing going on.”
It was true. I hadn’t made any plans yet, and I didn’t have anything important coming up.
“I’d like that.”
“Me too.”
“Are you and Beck still friends? You never talk about him anymore.”
“We are.” I hated lying to her, but I couldn’t tell her what was going on without outing him, and I’d never do that to anyone, not even my worst enemy.
“Oh. That’s good. I saw him downstairs. They were really into that game. I had to knock a million times until your super hot roommate answered.”
“Which one?” I asked teasingly.
“The one with the hair and the gorgeous skin.” She sighed dreamily. “He’s beautiful.”
“Eli. And yes, he is.”
“Do you know which way he swings? Maybe you could put in a good word for me?”
“I have no idea. I don’t know him very well. He’s not around much. But I’ll try to find out for you.”
“Thanks.” She let out a heavy-sounding sigh.
“Want to go out for dinner?” I asked impulsively. “Maybe hit one of those trendy restaurants you always drag me to.”
“Yeah.” She sat up, her eyes sparkling. “There’s a pop-up mystery dinner at the old theater on Maple Street this week.”
“Do we need a reservation?”
She pulled out her phone and tapped on the screen.
“We need to buy tickets.”
“Here.” I handed her my phone. “Put them in a cart, and I’ll get them.”
“Are you sure? We can go halfsies.”
“I’m sure. I want to treat my bestie.”
She flushed happily, typed away, and handed it back to me. “There.”
I took my phone and paid for the tickets, then screenshotted the confirmation just to be safe.
I checked the time on the tickets. We had just under ninety minutes.
“Help me figure out what to wear. Then we can go to your place so you can get ready.”
Anna jumped off my bed and hurried over to my closet. She perused my clothes with the same concentration one might give choosing a gift for royalty.
She finally settled on a hunter-green button-up and a pair of black slacks. I put them on, then excused myself to go to the bathroom and freshen up.
Beck came into the hallway from the stairs. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I closed the door behind me.
“You look nice.” His eyes raked up and down my body, filling with heat. “Is your friend still here? I thought maybe we could study together.”
His expression told me exactly what kind of “studying” he meant.
“I can’t. Anna and I are going to dinner.”
“Oh. Maybe after?”
“I don’t know when I’ll be home. But sure, if it’s not too late.”
He shuffled his feet and rubbed the back of his neck.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine. Just had a weird conversation with Alex earlier.”
“Yeah?” I gestured for him to follow me to the bathroom.
“Yeah. He accepted the care package delivery for me, and he asked me to go with him to a party on Saturday.”
“Mrhmp?” I mumbled around the toothbrush in my mouth.
“It’s being held at a farmhouse in a neighboring town. Apparently, it’s pretty exclusive.”
I spit out the toothpaste.
“Have you gone to something like this before?”
“Not exactly like this. But Alex always finds the craziest parties, so I’m not shocked. He just seemed really upset that I said no. That’s the weird part. It’s not like he’s hard up for people to hang with. And he’s with that girl, so I’d probably be a third wheel anyway.”
“Did you tell him we’re hanging out?” I put some hair product on my fingers and fluffed up my hair.
“No.” He sighed and leaned against the wall. “I couldn’t without him asking about it.”
I didn’t say anything.
We were both lying to the people we cared about.
I understood because I’d been there. I knew what it was like to have this huge secret and not know when or if to tell people.
Beck needed to come out on his own terms. But it hurt that he was hiding our friendship. He could have told Alex we were going out as friends.
He didn’t have to practically ignore me when we were in common areas in the house either.
I hated being his secret. I’d thought we were friends first, but it didn’t feel like it when he barely acknowledged me outside the bedroom.
“Do you think you guys will be okay?” I asked when I couldn’t stall any longer.
“Probably. And it’s not like he hadn’t been weird and mysterious lately too.”
“I should get back to Anna.”
He stepped aside but caught my arm as I walked past him.
He brushed a soft kiss against my lips. “Come to my room tonight. I don’t care how late it is.”
I nodded, smiling tightly.
The encounter in the library had been the hottest sexual experience of my life. I’d never gotten a chance to break out my bossy side with my previous partners, and I loved how Beck could flip between both roles and let me have my fun.
We were so compatible it was almost scary.
But we had an end date.
I was the guy Beck fooled around with as he got comfortable with his bisexuality. The safe friend he could let go with and learn his kinks and what he liked.
I’d told him I was fine with that, but I wasn’t. Not anymore.
He let go of my arm, and I hurried back to my room. Anna was leafing through a copy of one of my many astrophysics books.
“I don’t know how you can understand this stuff.” She tossed the book down. “All of those were words, but they made no sense.”
“That’s because you’re an artist, not a scientist.”
“Ready to go?” She stood and shouldered her bag.
“All set.”
As she drove us to her apartment, my mind was still on Beck and our conversation in the bathroom, and I couldn’t let it go while she got ready.
The dinner was fun and a great distraction. I’d never been to any sort of dinner theater before, and we had a blast trying to find the culprit with the other patrons at our table.
The mix of people made it even more fun. I was used to doing events that catered to students, and it was awesome to get away and experience something new. Our table consisted of a retired couple, a mother-and-daughter team, and a lesbian couple on a date. We all had different areas of expertise, and we managed to solve the mystery before the other groups.
Anna suggested we go to a jazz bar nearby to decompress from the dinner, and we didn’t get home until almost one in the morning.
Beck had texted a few times, but I’d ignored them. I was out with my friend. He could wait.
I closed the door to the stairs, blocking our hallway off. His room was silent, the strip under his door dark.
I hated myself, but I was glad he was already asleep.
I was still too raw from earlier and needed some time to get myself sorted before I hung out with him.
He’d already told me what this thing between us was and wasn’t, but I’d changed the rules for myself.
It wasn’t fair to take that out on him. He’d given me exactly what I’d asked for: honesty.
It wasn’t his fault I wanted more.
