“You okay?”
“Huh? Nothing.”
Jax burst out laughing. “Dude, you sound so guilty right now.”
The living room was full, but I’d been so in my own little world when I’d come into the house I hadn’t noticed.
Beck and Finn were snuggled up together on the loveseat. Jax and Matt sat at opposite ends of the couch, their backs against the arms and their legs tangled together on the middle cushion. Eli was curled up on the other loveseat, the one that had a shit view of the TV, a thick book on his lap but his attention on me.
A movie or something was playing on the TV, but I barely glanced at it.
“Sorry, what?”
“I asked if you were okay. You look…” Matt studied me. “I don’t know, off?”
“He looks fucked out.” Jax pinched Matt’s thigh.
“Really?” Matt pursed his lips. “Yeah, you’re right. He totally does.”
“Are you done looking at me like I’m a science experiment?” I asked, my voice as nonchalant as I felt.
Jax was right. I was thoroughly fucked out. Kai had made good on his promise to edge the fuck out of me during round two, and by the time he’d finally let me come, I’d been a blubbering, half-crazed mess.
“You’re walking funny.” Eli scrunched up his nose.
“Probably.”
Matt and Finn gaped at me, Jax grinned, and Beck looked confused.
I laughed. “You should see your faces right now.”
“Were you with Kai?” Eli asked.
“Why would you ask that?”
I didn’t mind him knowing about Kai and me, but it struck me as strange he put two and two together so quickly.
He shrugged.
“Kai? Do I know her?” Matt asked.
“Kai’s a he, but way to assume,” Eli said.
“Shit. Sorry. I didn’t know you’re…” Matt bit his lip.
“You do realize that you just outed me,” I said to Eli.
His eyes widened in shock. “Oh shit.” He slapped his hand over his mouth. “I’m so sorry.” He looked utterly stricken. “I—”
I took pity on him. “It’s fine.” I had no idea where my bravado was coming from, but at that moment, I really didn’t care who knew I was bi.
After Brett had destroyed me, I’d spent so long hiding it and denying my attraction to men to try and protect myself. But I was over it.
One thing I admired about Kai was how he didn’t give a fuck what people thought of him. His confidence was a huge turn-on, but it was also inspiring.
I liked guys. I was bisexual. Denying that felt wrong now.
Kai and I might be over, but I was done hiding my sexuality, especially from the people closest to me.
Everyone except Beck stared at me.
“And yeah. I’m bi,” I said awkwardly.
Beck shot me a proud smile. “Welcome to the club.”
“Cool.” Matt grinned.
Jax winked, but Eli still looked like I’d just kicked his puppy.
“Eli, it’s okay,” I said. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose.”
“I still feel like shit.”
“It’s done. No use beating yourself up when I’m not mad.”
He shrugged and dropped his eyes, looking so damn young and sad. Protectiveness rippled through me. “And yeah, I was with Kai.”
He looked up at me, all big green eyes and pouty lips.
Beck untangled himself from Finn and stood. “I have a package that was delivered for you earlier.”
“For me? I wasn’t expecting anything.”
He motioned for me to follow him, and we made our way upstairs to his room.
“You look good.” He opened the door. “Settled, if that makes sense.”
“I feel good. But that could just be the afterglow.”
Beck smirked and grabbed a small box off his desk.
I took it from him. It was from Amazon, but I didn’t remember ordering anything. Wouldn’t be the first time I’d forgotten.
“So, Kai…” He let that hang in the air.
“We had a thing.” My chest constricted, the last of the happy haze leaving me.
“Had?”
“Yeah. Tonight was kinda it.”
“Are you okay with that?”
“Not really,” I admitted. “But I get it. Remember that presentation I told you about?”
He nodded.
“We presented today, so yeah. No more reasons to get together.”
“Wait. Kai is your presentation partner? The one Elissa dumped you for?”
“Yup. The very same. Oh, and here’s something to break your brain. Remember I told you about that guy I was sexting with online?”
“Yeah…”
“Turns out that was Kai. I just didn’t know it.”
“Holy shit. Did he know it was you?”
“No. Neither of us had a clue.”
“How did you go from hating him in person and sexting with him online to being fuck buddies?”
I tossed the box onto the bed and sat down. Beck perched on the edge of his desk. I launched into the whole story. Well, almost the whole story. I left out the shit we did in bed because as open-minded as Beck was, I didn’t think he’d want to know the specifics.
“Wow.” He crossed his arms when I’d finished talking. “You really like him, don’t you?”
I nodded, heat creeping up my neck and over my cheeks. “Yeah. I really do.”
“Then how can you be okay with things ending?”
“Because.” I shrugged. Hopefully, the crushing disappointment I felt wasn’t written all over my face. “We started this as fuck buddies while we had the presentation to work on. Now that it’s over, that means the end of whatever we had going on.”
“You love him.”
“What?” I spluttered.
“You love him.”
I opened my mouth to deny it, but closed it before the words could form. “Yeah. I do.”
“Does he love you?”
I snorted. “Not a chance.”
Beck pursed his lips like he was forcing himself to stay quiet.
“What?” I asked.
“How do you know that?”
“Because he spent tonight fucking me into the mattress then sent me on my merry way with a smile and nothing more?”
“So you don’t know how he feels.”
“It’s obvious he doesn’t love me.” I dropped my eyes to the floor. “No one ever will.”
“Alex.” Beck pushed off the couch and knelt in front of me. “Do you really think that?”
I shrugged. I’d never told Beck about Brett or how his taunts still haunted me.
“Why do you think no one will ever love you?”
I didn’t want to have this conversation, but Beck was reaching out and making an effort. The least I could do was talk to him.
“I had a boyfriend in high school who really messed me up. He used me, said a lot of really fucked-up stuff to me. I guess it stuck.”
“I’m sorry about your ex.” He squeezed my arm. “But you know he was talking shit, right? You’re super loveable.”
“What?”
He grinned crookedly. “I love you. And I know I’m not the only one.”
“It’s different.”
“How so?”
“Because loving someone as a friend and being in love with them are two different things.”
“Why do you think no one could ever be in love with you?”
“Because I’m me.” I stared at him. “You know better than anyone how hard it is to be my friend. Imagine me as a boyfriend. I’m impulsive and obsessive and exhausting. Why would anyone want to put up with that shit just to get some ass?”
Beck blinked. “Wow. I can’t even begin to unpack how much was wrong in that little speech.”
“Huh?”
“One, you’re not exhausting. Yes, you can be impulsive, and you get fixated on things, but that’s all part of your charm. And you’re more than just a piece of ass. You’re smart, funny, and one of the most loyal people I’ve ever known. Being your friend is easy.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. And the right person is out there. Someone who’ll appreciate all the facets that make you, you.”
I bit my lip as a wave of longing passed over me. I wanted that person to be Kai.
“You’re my best friend.” Beck squeezed my arm again, his touch soothing. “I know I’ve been distant lately, but I’m going to do better.”
“We had this conversation once already,” I whispered.
“I know, and I’m sorry I didn’t make more of an effort. Going to the gym together isn’t enough. How about we hang out next weekend? Just us.”
“Next weekend?”
This weekend was Thanksgiving, and I’d assumed I’d be going home with Beck again like I had the past few years.
“Yeah. I forgot to tell you Finn and I are flying to DC to visit his brother.”
“For Thanksgiving?” My heart dropped.
He nodded. “It’s a thing he and his brother do.”
“Are you nervous?” I pushed through the crushing disappointment.
“Little bit. I’ve never been on a plane, but Finn’s flown a lot, so at least he knows what we’re doing.”
“You’re meeting his brother? What about his parents?”
“He and his brother have no contact with their parents.”
Huh. That was something we had in common.
“But they’re super close. I want him to like me. His opinions mean a lot to Finn.”
“Just be yourself, and he’ll love you, just like everyone else who meets you does.”
He smirked and sat back on his heels. “I hope so. Want to go over the macro homework?”
It took a second for my brain to process the change in conversation.
“You want to?”
He nodded.
I took it for the olive branch it was and smiled. “Yeah. Sounds good. Let me grab my books, and I’ll be right back.”
As I made my way downstairs to get my stuff, the black cloud of Beck’s news pressed down on me.
I shouldn’t have assumed Beck would invite me home this year. It was my own stupid fault for thinking things would be the same now that he had Finn. Of course he’d be busy.
Steeling myself so I didn’t break down, I shoved all those thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind. Right now, I had homework to focus on. I’d have time to freak out later.
My hand shook as I held the phone to my ear. I’d barely managed to keep my shit together while studying with Beck last night, and I’d spent today hiding from everyone and trying to get over myself. It hadn’t worked, and my head was a mess.
“Hello, Alex,” Grandma answered, her familiar voice wrapping around me like a blanket.
“Hi. How have you been?” I settled against my pillows.
“As good as I was a few days ago when I talked to you. But something tells me you called for a reason.”
“Maybe,” I admitted.
“What’s going on?”
“I… I have some news.” I swallowed the lump in my throat.
Nerves exploded in my stomach, but I pushed through them. I was tired of hiding the truth from her. She was the only family I had, and I hated that I’d been lying to her for all these years.
“What is it?” she prompted.
“I’m… I’m bisexual.”
“Thank you for telling me, sweetheart.”
“You’re not surprised?”
“I had… an inkling that you were interested in boys too.”
“How?”
“Brett.”
A crush of hurt replaced the nerves. “Was it that obvious?”
“To me, it was,” she said gently. “But I also know he wasn’t good to you.”
“No, he wasn’t.” I sighed.
“Are you interested in someone now?”
“Kind of.”
“Are they good to you?”
“He is.”
Even just confirming that Kai was a man made me feel lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Everyone who mattered to me knew I liked guys, and the world hadn’t ended.
“I’m not sure what’s going on between us, but yeah, I really like him. Can I come home this weekend?” I asked in a rush, the words blending together.
“This weekend?” she asked carefully.
“Yeah. I know it’s a long way to fly just for a few days, but I could use a break from the house and school and everything.”
“I wish you’d asked last time we spoke.”
“Why?”
“Your aunt Rebecca invited me to visit for a week. I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
“I was going to call you tonight to tell you. It was a last-minute thing. I haven’t seen her or the kids in over a year.”
“I’m glad you’re going,” I said. Hopefully, my voice sounded neutral because my mind was spinning. “It’ll be nice for you to see everyone.”
My aunt and cousins lived in Atlanta, and Gran only got to see them every couple of years. I knew it was hard on her to miss so much of their lives, but the timing of this visit sucked.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Fine. It’s just been a tough semester.”
“Are you not going to your friend’s house this year?”
“Not this year. He’s going to visit his boyfriend’s brother.”
“What about your other roommates?”
“I have no clue. Eli is local, so he’ll probably be around. But Matt’s from Arizona, so I don’t know if he’ll be going anywhere.”
“It might be nice to have a weekend at the house, maybe spend time with your roommates?”
She was trying to give me something positive to focus on, but it didn’t work. I liked Matt and Eli, but I needed a break from the house. I wanted to spend the weekend in my bedroom, hiding from the world and trying to get over my stupid broken heart.
The fucked-up part was that I wasn’t even mad at Kai. He’d told me exactly what this was and wasn’t. I’d gone ahead and changed the rules. It wasn’t his fault I couldn’t let him go.
“You’re right.” I played along, not wanting her to worry about me while she was away. “Maybe that’s what I need. Just a quiet weekend, hanging out with my friends.”
“I’m happy you’re making friends. And I hope your man can see how amazing you are.”
“Thanks, Gran, but you have to say that.”
“Maybe, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Are you going to be okay? Ida’s picking me up for bridge club in a few minutes.”
“I’m fine.” I swallowed hard. Thank fuck Gran was a bit hard of hearing so she wouldn’t be able to tell how not okay I was. “Have fun at bridge club.”
“Talk soon.”
The call ended, and I shoved my phone into my hoodie pocket.
Fuck. The mess of emotions swirling through me made my stomach clench and tears prickle my eyes.
Shit. I was being dramatic. So what if Beck was busy and Gran had other plans? It was just Thanksgiving. A holiday I didn’t give a shit about. I could hide my room at the house just as well as I could at Gran’s place.
The world wasn’t ending just because I didn’t have plans for a weekend. I kept repeating that to myself as waves of loneliness and despair washed over me in equal parts. It was too much. Too fucking much. I was spiraling. The shitty thing was that while I could recognize it, I wasn’t able to stop it.
After weeks of being silent, the little voice in my head was back.
Worthless.
Fuck, I needed to get out of here.
Unwanted.
I jumped up.
Too much.
Not bothering to lock my door, I raced out of the house.
Exhausting.
I took off down the sidewalk, heading away from school.
Forever alone.
I had no idea where the fuck I was going, but I needed to move. Maybe I could shut my brain up if I kept my body busy.
Unlovable.
Jamming my hands into my pockets, I quickened my pace. It was dark and cold, but I barely noticed either as I hurried away from the house and school and everything else that reminded me of just how alone I was.
