I don’t know what hurt more about my run-in with Nick: him trying to kiss me, or him promising he wouldn’t do it again.
I liked that I’d had the self-control to put a stop to things before they went anywhere, especially because of how hard it had been for me to get over sleeping with him during the holidays. Nicholas was just impulsive; he did what he wanted without thinking of the consequences. If he wanted sex, he should look for it with Sophia… Ugh. Just thinking about it made me want to pull all my hair out, but I wasn’t going to be that girl, the one who left her boyfriend and then went to bed with him every time he felt like it. No, screw that.
And so I focused on the person who wanted more than just to get me in bed, the one who had invited me to the grand opening of LRB. I was nervous about the party, especially because Nicholas was taking Sophia and I wasn’t sure I could deal with it.
When the day came, I donned a blue sequined dress, short and formfitting. I hadn’t worn it in a year; it had sagged off me before, and I’d even had to wear a padded bra for the bust to look right. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I smiled: those were the boobs I was used to, the ones that had disappeared months ago. Now they were back in all their glory.
I wore a pair of heels Jenna had lent me the week before, cherry-colored Louboutins with rhinestones that matched my red bag. I grabbed my black coat, which was long and elegant, a Christmas gift from my mother, and walked outside when I heard Simon pull up.
Getting out to open the door for me, he said, “You look incredible,” before grabbing my waist and bringing me in for a kiss.
Goddammit… Why did it always feel so uncomfortable when he did that…?
I pulled away to button my coat. It was getting windy out. Simon’s car was a classic Porsche, gray, elegant, and it reminded me of the day I’d lost Nick’s Ferrari… I still couldn’t believe he’d forgiven me, but back then I guess we really had been in love.
What would Simon do if I wrecked or scratched his precious car?
He stood back from the open door like a gentleman, and soon we were off to the party.
The venue was huge, with high ceilings and murals. I was surprised to see so many people there, given the newness of the operation, but of course, it was just one subsidiary in a much larger group. I recognized one or two people there who asked me where my mother and Will were. But Nicholas was the boss now, and William had decided to step back and let him do his thing. He was busy enough being the father of a little girl at his age. I looked around distractedly while Simon grabbed two glasses of champagne and passed me one.
“You looking for someone?”
Shit.
I looked back at him and took a drink, then shook my head. “Just admiring the place… It’s pretty,” I said. Then I took another sip.
Since Simon’s role at the company was important, he had to greet almost everyone. At first, he dragged me along with him, but after an hour, I’d had enough, and I walked to the bar with the excuse that my feet hurt. As a waitress was changing my glass out for a new one of cold, bubbly rosé, I looked at the door as if magnetized.
There they were: the prom king and prom queen.
Sophia was out of sight in her long beige evening gown. Her hair was pulled to one side and fell over her shoulders in dark waves. The lights cast alluring shadows over her face.
And Nick…he was spectacular. That’s the only word for it. Dark gray suit, white shirt, blue tie, a face that made you want to sin, to do bad, dangerous, forbidden things.
The lights went down just then, and dinner began. Simon walked over to accompany me to our table. He gave me all his attention: we chatted and laughed, and after dessert, we went out to the dance floor with the rest of the guests and our colleagues.
We had gone together, but we wanted to be discreet and not call too much attention to our relationship. So we decided to act like friends. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy seeing Nicholas’s sour face.
At some point, I found myself alone having a drink, the fifth of the night, when Nick came over. I didn’t see Sophia anywhere, but I could feel her presence, as though she were observing us. Simon was gone, I had no idea where he was, but at least there was a cool bartender there to keep me company.
“Did you get home okay last night?” Nick asked, sidling up next to me.
“Perfectly, thanks. In thirty minutes flat,” I said, laughing at my own joke. “Maybe you should go into roadside repair.” I took a drink.
“Fixing tires? Yeah. Good thing my future’s not in your hands…”
I smiled for the sake of courtesy and brought my glass to my lips. Nick observed me uncomfortably.
“You came with Simon.” It was an affirmation, not a question.
“Very observant… Did you figure that out because we entered together or because I haven’t been apart from him all night?”
“I figured it out the first time I saw you with him at the office. I thought it was nothing… People can get fired over that.”
I looked up. He was much more tense than he was trying to appear.
“Him or me? Who do you want to get rid of first?”
“I think you know the answer to that,” he said, looking at my lips. I looked at his, too, and then at his eyes. I needed to focus.
“All I know is right now I’m starting a new chapter of my life. Just like you did a year ago. By the way, I’m super happy for you, Nick. It’s so nice to see you in love again, happy, with that girl you fell for as soon as you laid eyes on her.” My words came out with so much venom that I thanked the heavens Simon walked up just then. Who knew what I might have said next. My filter was gone, and that could be dangerous.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
Nicholas turned to him. “Just great,” he replied with a strange grin. “Are you guys coming downtown after this?”
Simon looked at me, and I looked at Nick. What the hell was he getting at?
“You want to go, Noah?”
Go with him and Sophia? No thanks, I’d rather die.
But before I could respond, Sophia appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Nick’s arm. He stiffened despite himself.
“Hey, guys,” she said with an obviously false smile.
I returned the favor, enjoying the thought of getting a little revenge.
“I’d love to,” I said, wrapping an arm around Simon’s waist and letting him wrap his around my shoulders. Nick didn’t fail to notice.
“See you in a bit,” he growled.
All that was left was to say goodbye to the guests. Not all of them, obviously. Nick took to the stage and thanked everyone for coming. In his suit, with his impeccable bearing and the triumph in his eyes, he was the personification of perfection. He had turned into what he’d always wanted to be. He’d exceeded everyone’s expectations, and he had the whole world at his feet.
I felt proud, even if I wanted to chop him into little pieces and fry them one by one.
I followed Simon outside to the car, and we headed to the bar Nick had invited us to. It was modern, with a clubby feel, and just ten minutes away from the other venue. When I got there, I was happy to strip off my coat and order another drink.
Simon chuckled as I called the bartender over and ordered two shots of tequila. When he left to take care of our order, I leaned in. The music and the darkness readied me to take the next step, so I kissed Simon. He responded enthusiastically. I could taste the alcohol on his breath when he slipped his tongue in my mouth and it intertwined with mine.
“Two shots of tequila,” the bartender said, forcing us to separate.
Simon was…a good kisser? Yeah, a good one.
I licked the back of my hand and poured salt on it, then stretched it out to Simon, who looked at me like I was out of my mind.
“What?” I asked, grabbing my shot glass and my lime and getting ready.
Simon laughed and did the same. “You have no idea what you provoke in men, do you?” he asked.
No, I didn’t. The man I knew I’d ever made feel anything had confessed to me he was in love with someone else.
Speak of the devil…I looked over just as the two of them walked in the door. I glanced back at Simon and forced a smile, clinked glasses with him, and knocked mine back. The tequila burned my throat. Before I could start heaving, I bit down on my lime so hard, I almost swallowed it.
I could see Nick in my peripheral vision heading over with Sophia hot on his heels. I wanted to take off running in the opposite direction, but I decided against it, turning instead to the bar. Simon hadn’t seen them, and he was about to start nibbling on my ear by the time Nick made it over.
I laughed as if he’d told me the funniest joke ever and grabbed his arm to turn toward Nick.
“I see you started without us,” Nick said, signaling for the bartender to pour another round.
Jeez, another shot! My body wasn’t going to be able to take it.
“Sorry, we haven’t been introduced,” Simon said to Sophia.
“Simon, Sophie, Sophie, Simon,” Nick said gruffly. “Simon’s one of LRB’s investors.”
Nicholas barely looked at his date. He was staring at me so hard, it made me angry, especially because I knew Simon was taking note of everything he did and said. I reached out to grab my shot, but Nick was faster and drank it without salt or lime—without training wheels, as he always called them.
I knew I should probably stop drinking, and I was happy when a familiar song boomed from the speakers. It was the perfect excuse to vanish.
“Shall we dance, Simon?” I asked, wrapping an arm around him and blinking, trying to look provocative.
“Sure,” he responded, setting his glass on the bar and waving to Nick and Sophia. I could feel Nick’s glacial stare on my neck almost boring a hole into me.
I turned my back to Simon and swayed to the rhythm of the music while he gripped me around the waist. With his hand on my stomach, he made me tremble as his lips moved over my neck, exquisite, sensual, and not at all in good taste.
“You’re trying to kill me, little girl,” he said, and that made me remember how Nick had always called me Freckles… It had been too long since I’d heard that.
I tried to spot him at the bar, but he wasn’t there. Where the hell had he gone off to? I was putting this whole show on for him, and when I realized he wasn’t watching me, I got pissed, bad. I turned around, and before Simon could kiss me so lewdly again, I told him I needed to go to the bathroom. I stomped off the dance floor, smoke coming out of my ears, and drunk off my ass, as I might as well admit. The tequila had taken hold quickly. But before I could walk in, before I even made it to the long line of girls waiting to go, I felt a hand grab my wrist and force me into a hall packed with people and flashing green, red, and blue lights. For a moment, it sickened me, but then my back hit the wall, and a mouth I knew all too well struck mine just as a hard, wiry, hot body squeezed into me, sliding a knee between my legs and pressing in sensuously.
I tried to resist. I didn’t want to be touched. Not in the least. I was angry, angry because he was with her, angry because he hadn’t seen me dance when I was putting on a show for him, and furious because he hadn’t stopped Simon from touching me. Where was the Nick I knew? What had happened to him?
He raised my wrists over my head and held them there. I could hardly move. My pelvis was imprisoned against the wall. Pinning my arms with one hand, he used the other to grab my chin and stroked my lower lip with his tongue. He said nothing, nothing at all; he just looked down and slipped his hot tongue in my mouth, all the way to the back of my throat. Our eyes met in the shadows, and what I saw made me shiver: he was suffering as much as I was at the immense space that had opened between us, the abyss between our lives that was almost impossible to cross. He had been with Sophia for a long time now, longer than our relationship had lasted, and I…I mean, I’d taken a giant step, since before I couldn’t even talk to anyone of the opposite sex, and now I was going on dates with my boss and even kissing him.
What would do it? What would help us realize we had to be together? Was there anything left to salvage? To recover? Something to hold on to, however painful?
It seemed like the answer was no.
Nick must have heard my thoughts, as if that kiss had caused our two minds to meld. When he saw I was no longer struggling to get away, he let go of my hands, and I rested my head on his shoulder. Then I pulled him close, hugged him, squeezed him, imagining we were one. I needed to feel he wouldn’t disappear. We’d kissed in desperation; it was a kiss we shouldn’t have had, a forbidden kiss—at least it was now.
He pulled back a few seconds later and, with his lips brushing my ear, said, “Don’t forget, he’ll never make you feel the way I do.”
I didn’t know how to respond… What could I say? That he was wrong? We both knew he wasn’t. He never would be.
“Noah,” he said, since I hadn’t replied. The reality of his words struck me so hard, I was too stunned to speak.
When he uttered my name, why did it sound like a question, an urgent one?
I wanted to say something, do something, but I felt a sharp, painful jab in my stomach, pushed him away weakly, turned aside, and threw up.
Nicholas needed just a second to react before grabbing my ponytail to keep my hair out of my face. He held me so I wouldn’t fall over as I expelled all the alcohol I’d sucked down. I kept vomiting for a while longer and couldn’t even worry about the giant mess I was making on the floor of that badly lit hallway. At least it was dark and the music was drowning out my retching.
When I thought it was finally over, I stood up, and Nick walked me out the back door.
“No, no,” I said. I wanted to go back. Simon was still there. He’d be worried.
“I’m taking you home right now,” he said in a tone that admitted no reply.
Nick called Steve, who soon pulled around the corner, then stuffed me in the back seat and got in.
“Feel better?” he asked in a strange tone of voice.
Honestly, I didn’t. I felt awful. I wanted to get home and drink a giant glass of water, brush my teeth, cover up with a warm blanket. I was freezing. I started shaking, almost like I was spasming. Fuck…this was bad.
Nick pulled me close, took off his suit jacket, and draped it over me. Then he hugged me, and I rested my head on his shoulder, falling asleep or passing out almost instantaneously.
I opened my eyes and stumbled as Nick tried to get me out.
“Go pick up Sophia and take her to my place. Then come back for me,” Nick said to Steve, not even looking at him as he lifted me in his arms.
“I can walk,” I said weakly.
When we reached the door, he set me down, looked in my bag and fished out my keys, and took me into my apartment. Just as he was helping me into my double bed, I felt nauseated again.
“I need to go to the bathroom,” I said, trying to hide how bad I felt. I didn’t want him to know how irresponsible I’d been. Fucking tequila, fucking champagne. Only I would be dumb enough to mix those.
“Are you going to throw up?” he asked, sounding exasperated.
I looked up and saw the disgust in his eyes.
“You can go now, Nicholas,” I said spitefully.
“Oh, I can go? Thanks for your permission.”
“You’re going to wake up my roommate,” I groaned.
“I really don’t fucking care,” he said.
I clenched my teeth and stood up as straight as I could to keep him from looking down at me. It nearly killed me; I could feel the vomit rising in my esophagus, and still worse, when I straightened up, I felt something… Dammit, this had to be a joke.
I pushed him aside and went to the bathroom. As soon as I was in there, I saw my period had come.
That explained the fucking cramps.
Not even caring that Nicholas was out there, I took off my clothes, threw them in the basket, and got into the shower, turning on the cold water. That would help, surely. I wasn’t in there long, just enough to clear my head. When I came out, I put in a tampon, wrapped up in a towel, and headed to my room, hoping he was finally gone. But no. He was sitting on the edge of my bed.
“You can go,” I said, opening the closet and not looking at him.
“I’ll go when I feel like it. Now drink this,” he said, passing me a big glass of cold water.
I hadn’t put on clothes yet, and my hair was dripping all over the rug.
“Turn around. I need to get dressed,” I said.
He rolled his eyes. It’s not like he hadn’t seen it all before. But I didn’t care about being reasonable just then.
I stood there staring until he turned. As quickly as I could in my intoxicated state, I put on some cotton panties, some shorts, and a pajama top.
“Done,” I said and grabbed the water he had held out to me.
“Take an ibuprofen, too,” he said. He must have opened my nightstand to find my bottle of it. And unless I was wrong, I had his letter in the nightstand—the same one he had given me so long ago and that I’d reread aloud more times than I’d like to admit.
I took the pill from him, shooting fire from my eyes, then got into bed, pulling the cover up under my chin and turning around to look at the wall.
I could feel him a few seconds later sitting on my side of the bed. He stroked my hair, brushing it carefully out of my face, and I closed my eyes at that contact, so warm, so profound.
“You should chuck it… Those words don’t mean anything anymore.”
After saying that, he left.
