IT’S the day after my talk with Blair at the pizza restaurant and I’ve been running on nervous energy ever since. I stayed up late into the night texting with her, both of us keeping up the conversation and sharing what’s happened in the last month. I had a lot more to tell her and she let me. At one point, we FaceTimed because it was so much easier for me to just talk to her instead of typing it all out.
I was in the dark and so was she. Only the glow from her phone screen illuminating her beautiful face. She was wearing some sort of tank top to bed and I saw plenty of skin, which filled me with the urge to just…be with her. So I could touch her. Hold her.
Kiss her. Strip her. You know.
The usual.
Normally, I pack my day with so much activity I’m exhausted, meaning I fall asleep quickly every damn night. It’s easier that way. Gives me less time to think. The more time I have on my hands, the worse my thoughts get. Even with therapy. Even with repeating to myself all of the mantras and self-affirmations Betty’s supplied for me.
I used to think that sort of thing was nothing but horseshit, but I’ve come to realize it actually works.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep to save my life. I was too anxious, too excited. I finally gave in and crawled out of bed at five in the morning, layered on a bunch of clothing and went to the gym where I ran around the indoor track for a solid four miles. My lucky number.
Hers too. And isn’t that just some crazy shit?
By the time I walk back into our apartment, Knox is already up and in the kitchen, frying an egg. I stare at his back for a moment as I shut the front door, my chest tight, ready to burst with the need to tell him my truth.
This is it. It’s time.
Shoving the door fully closed, I stride into the kitchen and come to a stop in front of the refrigerator, declaring, “I’m in love with your sister.”
Knox flips the egg onto a paper plate and turns off the stove before he faces me, a confused look on his face. “Huh?”
I clear my throat, wondering if this was the wrong tactic. He still looks half asleep while I’ve been awake for hours. “I’ve been keeping a secret from you and I’m sorry. Blair and I—we’re together.”
Hopefully.
Knox is frowning so hard, I wonder if the wrinkles in his forehead hurt him. “Are you fucking for real right now?”
I nod, bracing myself for impact. His gaze is filled with some sort of emotion that doesn’t look so good and I wonder if he’s pissed. I wonder if he’s going to take a swing at me. I’ll let him. I’ll let him get one in, at least. If he keeps swinging, he’ll have a fight on his hands. That’s not how I want this to go down, but he has to know that whatever I say about Blair, I mean. I’m in love with her.
And I haven’t even told her. I’m telling her brother first.
Jesus, that’s messed up. Too late now.
He contemplates me, remaining silent for way too long. I’m growing uncomfortable, clenching my jaw, dying for him to do something when finally he says, “We knew it.”
My mouth hangs open. “What?”
“Jo Jo and I were talking about it last night. You two were acting so weird together. There was all this tension. That’s what Jo said at least.” Knox forks up some of his egg and shoves it into his mouth.
I stare at him, shocked that’s the only reaction I get. “Aren’t you pissed that I kept it from you?”
“I’m not thrilled, but I get it. I would’ve gone ballistic on your ass and told you to back the fuck off.”
“And now you won’t say that?”
“If you love her, how can I be upset?” He peers at me, his gaze narrowing. “Are you telling me the truth? You’re in love with Blair?”
I nod, my throat going dry. “Yeah,” I croak. “I’m in love with her. But I haven’t even told her yet.”
“You two been sneaking around for the last couple of months, huh?” Knox keeps eating while standing at the counter.
“The last couple of months? No. We kind of had an—argument about a month ago and I’ve been keeping my distance.”
“Really?” Knox frowns. “But you’re never around. You said you go out all the time.”
“I lied.” I shrug. “I mean, I do go out. But I’m going to the gym or to the library or whatever.” I don’t feel like telling Knox about my mental health journey. I know he’d support me no matter what, but I’m still a little too raw over it.
It’s hard to share the details, but I’ll get around to it.
Someday.
“You’re not sneaking around and hooking up with Blair?” He sounds shocked.
“I was. We were. But for the last month? No. I’ve been working on myself.”
“Oh.” Knox seems taken aback, his gaze running over me from head to toe. “Where have you been?”
“The gym. I just ran four miles.”
“No shit?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re looking good, bro.” He polishes off the last of his egg and then immediately goes to the fridge, pulling out a loaf of whole wheat bread. “Gonna make some toast. Want some?”
“No thanks.” I watch him move about the kitchen, surprised this supposed confrontation went so easily. “You’re really okay with this?”
Knox drops two slices of bread into the toaster and hits the button before turning to me. “You’re my best friend and she’s my sister. It’s kind of weird, not gonna lie, but I know you’re a good dude. You’re not going to fuck her over.” He pauses. “Are you?”
“No way.” I shake my head.
“Good. That’s all I need to know.”
“But you always said I wasn’t worthy of her.”
“I only said that shit to keep all of you away from her. The last thing I wanted to imagine was my friends and teammates chasing after my little sister. That’s just weird.” Knox grimaces.
“So, you really have no problem with me being with Blair.” I’m just making sure.
“I have zero problems with it. What can I say?” He spreads his arms out, a cheesy grin on his face. “Love has mellowed me out.”
I pretty much said the same thing to Blair last night.
“We talked. Me and Blair. After you guys left.”
“Yeah?”
“And later. We FaceTimed.” He needs to know this. “I just—I want to do right by her. I don’t want to fuck it up.”
“Be real, be honest, and be open with her, and you won’t have a problem, my friend. Keep the communication flowing, treat her right and tell her you love her every chance you get.” Knox’s gaze grows hazy and I know he’s thinking about his girl. “It’ll all work out if you keep that up.”
“Yeah. You’re right.” I nod, wishing I was with her right now.
But then I remember what I promised her and I know I have one more thing I need to ask Knox to do.
“Will you tell her I told you about us? Sometime today?”
“Sure.” Knox nods. “I’ll send her a text here in a bit. Or maybe I should tell her in person.”
“Thanks, man.” He wouldn’t even be able to comprehend all the reasons I want to thank him right now.
“Hey,” he calls out as I’m about to leave our kitchen.
I stop. “What’s up?”
“I’m glad you told me. I was going to be offended if you kept it from me much longer. Jo reminded me that I can get a little overprotective sometimes when it comes to Blair.”
“A little?”
He chuckles. “Right. A lot.”
“I’ll protect her now,” I tell him, meaning every damn word I say.
“I’m counting on it.”
I’m in my room digging through my closet, looking for an old jersey for Blair to wear. I find a couple, one from my freshman year, so it’s not as ginormous. I was thinner then, not as bulky, and I hold it up to my nose first to make sure it smells clean before I drop it on my bed with the back showing. I spread it out so it’s nice and straight, then grab my phone and take a photo of it before I send it to her.
She answers almost immediately, surprising me.
Bumblebee: Is that for me to wear to the game?
Me: Yeah. It’s from freshman year so it’s not as big.
Bumblebee: You’re bigger now?
Me: I’m pretty sure I’m even bigger than the last time you saw me naked.
She sends me a string of shocked face emojis, making me laugh.
Bumblebee: Are you serious? What do you mean, bigger?
I send her three eggplant emojis. In response, she sends me the monkey covering his eyes.
Me: I’m talking about my arms, shoulders and chest. I’ve been working even more on my upper body strength. Gotta maintain the arm strength to throw all them damn touchdowns.
Bumblebee: That makes sense.
When she doesn’t say anything else, I start to get antsy.
Me: You’ll wear my shirt to the game then?
I don’t get a response for at least another five minutes. Maybe longer.
Bumblebee: Definitely.
Bumblebee: Sorry I was in the shower.
I don’t want to think of her in the shower, but my mind instantly goes there. Imagining her naked with steaming hot water pouring all over her bare skin.
I’ve got a hard-on, just like that.
Me: You have class soon?
Bumblebee: Yeah. In less than an hour.
Me: Me too. Catch up later?
Bumblebee: Sounds good.
She sends me a red heart emoji and I do the same, feeling like we’re in middle school.
But then she sends me a bunch of peach emojis, followed by an actual ass pic with just a thin pair of pink lacy panties barely covering it and I realize…
We are most definitely not in middle school.
