The hurt in his eyes was palpable. Justin leaned his head back against the couch as I struggled to find the words.
“It was wrong of me to take my anger out on you. My mother was basically an irresponsible child, a selfish person. She’d had so many different boyfriends, affairs with married men. It never really surprised me that she would stoop to that level with your father. At the time, though, I just felt betrayed by everyone, including you. But I was wrong to punish you in any way for their actions.”
He rubbed his eyes warily and turned to me. “What do you want to know, Amelia?”
“How did it start? How long did you know about them?”
He turned his body toward me and wrapped his arm around the back of the couch. “I’m pretty sure my father was the one who pursued her. He used to always ask me questions about Patricia before they got together.”
“Really?”
“What I know now that I didn’t know then was that my parents had an open marriage. My mother went on way too many business trips, if you know what I mean. At the time, though, I hadn’t figured it all out yet. I came home from school unexpectedly early one day and found your mother there with him. I walked in on them having sex.”
I shuddered. “Oh my God.”
Justin grabbed his beer and took a long swig. “My father sat me down later that night and explained to me that he believed my mother had been having an affair too, and that he and Patricia had just started seeing each other. Your mother made me swear not to tell you. She said you wouldn’t be able to handle it, that your relationship with her was already tarnished enough and that you were under a lot of stress that I didn’t know about. She somehow convinced me that telling you would ruin your life. She told me if I really cared about you, I wouldn’t tell you. I believed what she told me.”
“There was nothing I ever kept from you, Justin. There was nothing going on with me. She was manipulating you to keep her antics a secret from me.”
“I wanted to tell you, but the more time that passed, the harder it was to admit that I’d been keeping something from you for so long. So, I chose not to say anything. I was only trying to protect you.”
“Justin, I—”
“Let me finish,” he interrupted.
“Okay.”
“We both came from broken homes, but from the moment I met you, my world seemed a little less broken. I always felt like my job was to somehow protect you. And my keeping what they were doing from you was only an extension of that. It wasn’t meant to be deceptive.”
I get it now.
There was so much I was embarrassed to admit in regards to my feelings all those years ago, but I couldn’t hold anything back. He was giving me this one chance to explain myself. Taking a long gulp of my wine, I prepared to lay it all out on the line.
“I ran away because I couldn’t handle my emotions. It was more than just your keeping that secret from me. It was what it represented to me, that there would be other things in the future that you would keep from me, too.” I paused. Just say it. “I was developing really strong feelings for you that went beyond our friendship, and I found myself unable to handle them. I didn’t know how to tell you. I was afraid to scare you away. It just felt like I was somehow destined to get hurt, so I chose to move away before that happened. It was my own way of controlling it. It was rash and foolish.”
That was the first time I had ever admitted to having feelings beyond friendship for him.
He just looked at me for a bit then said, “Why didn’t you tell me how you felt, even before everything went down with our parents?”
“I didn’t think you felt the same way about me, and I didn’t want to freak you out. I didn’t want to lose you.”
“So, you ran away and lost me anyway. How did that make sense?”
“It somehow felt like if I left before the worst happened, it wouldn’t hurt as badly. The bottom line, though, is that I was a dumb, hormonal, fifteen-year-old girl. It was the wrong decision. Running away to live with my father was a bad way of handling it. You never gave me the time of day to tell you how sorry I was once I came to my senses that following year. So, I need to say it now. I am so sorry if my leaving like that hurt you in any way.”
“Hurt me?” He let out a slight angry laugh then shocked me with what he said next. “It changed me. I loved you, Amelia. I was in love with you.” Justin ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “How the fuck did you not know that?”
His words felt like they’d sliced through my heart, leaving me unable to respond. I never in a million years expected him to say that. I knew he cared about me, but I never knew he had loved me like I loved him.
He had loved me?
He continued, “I would have died for you back then. When you left, it felt like my world ended. Besides your grandmother, you were the only one I could count on. You were always there…until you weren’t anymore. Losing you taught me not to count on anyone but myself. It shaped who am I today…and that’s not necessarily a good thing.”
It hurt so badly to hear him say that. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize again; you already did.”
“If you don’t forgive me, then I do need to keep repeating it.”
He let out a long, deep breath. “Like I’ve said to you before, I’ve moved on from it.”
I didn’t want him to move on. I wanted to go backwards, back in time and hug him. Never let him go.
Still reeling from his admission, I dug my nails into the back of the couch and said, “I don’t want us to be virtual strangers. You still mean so much to me. The fact that you’re angry at me won’t change that.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I want us to try to be friends again. I want us to be able to sit in the same room and talk to each other, maybe have a few laughs. We’re gonna always own this house together in any case. Someday, we’ll be bringing children here. We need to get along.”
“I am not gonna have children,” he said emphatically.
The fact that Jade had confided in me about Justin’s not wanting kids had skipped my mind.
“Jade told me.”
“She did, did she? What else did you talk about? My dick size? You tell her you got a good look at it?”
I chose not to entertain the quip and stayed with the subject at hand. “Why don’t you want children, Justin?”
“You of all people should understand that it’s asinine to bring a child into this world if you’re not one-hundred percent sure of your capabilities. My parents are a prime example of people who should have never procreated.”
“You’re not your parents.”
“No, but I’m a fucked-up product of their mistakes, and I’m not gonna repeat history.”
It made me immensely sad that he felt that way. Thinking back to how protective he always was of me, I knew Justin would make an amazing father. He just couldn’t see that. Knowing that I had promised we wouldn’t rehash the past beyond tonight, an urgent need to get more off my chest overtook me.
“I beg to differ. I think that you are so much stronger as a person because you had to grow up a lot quicker than kids who were coddled and handed everything easily. You’ve given to others what your parents neglected to give you. I’ll never forget how you always managed to make me laugh even when it seemed impossible, how you always knew exactly what I needed, how you always protected me. Those are the qualities that would make someone a good parent. And whether you have children or not, you are an amazing human being. Not only that, your musical talent completely blows me away. It makes me so sad to think of everything that I missed because of my stupidity and fear. I know we’ve both changed somewhat, but I still see all the good in you even when you are trying so hard to hide behind a mask.” My eyes started to water, and a teardrop fell. “I miss you, Justin.” It felt like everything had just come pouring out of me before I could think about the consequences of being so open about my feelings.
He startled me when he reached over and swiped a teardrop from my cheek with his thumb, prompting me to close my eyes. His touch felt so good.
“I think we’ve talked enough for tonight,” he said.
Nodding, I said, “Okay.”
He lifted himself off the couch and turned off the television. “Come on. Let’s get some air.”
I followed his lead out the front door and down to the beach. We walked in silence for what seemed like an eternity. The night was still except for the sound of the waves crashing. The ocean breeze was calming, and as strange as it was, the silence between us seemed like a therapeutic exercise of some kind. It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted because I’d gotten to say what I wanted to. Even though there wasn’t really a clear conclusion to our conflict, it was more closure than I’d ever had with him.
The sound of Justin’s phone interrupted the quiet of our walk. He picked it up.
“Hey, babe.”
“Everything is good.”
“That’s great. Wow. It’s really happening.”
“Just taking a walk.”
I found it interesting that he didn’t mention he was with me.
“Me too. Can’t wait.”
“I love you, too.”
“Alright. Bye.”
After he hung up, I looked at him. “How’s Jade?”
“She’s good. She’s going to get to perform tomorrow night because the lead’s grandfather died.”
“Wow. That’s amazing. Well, not that the grandfather died…”
“Yeah. I got that.”
Not another word was spoken until we started to approach the house.
Justin pointed to something in the distance. “Do you see that?”
“Where?”
The next thing I knew I felt weightless. Justin had lifted me off my feet and was running toward the shore. Judging from his laughter, there was nothing to point out; he’d just been trying to distract me long enough to snatch me up.
Jerk.
He dumped my fully clothed body into the ocean. Salty water ran down my throat and up my nose. Justin immediately ran back to the sand, leaving me to wade through the water after him. He’d planted himself on the sand and was still laughing. He’d taken off his shirt which had gotten wet, and his pants were soaked.
“Do you feel better now?” I huffed.
“A little.” He chuckled. “Actually…a lot.”
“Well…good. I’m glad for you,” I said, wringing out my dress.
He stood up. “Let me.” Justin surprised me when he stood behind me and twisted my long hair to help get the water out. His hands lingered for a few seconds, causing my nipples to tingle. I turned around to distract from it and was met by his blue eyes staring into mine. They were glowing in the reflection of the light coming from our house. He looked heartbreakingly handsome.
Fumbling my words a bit, I said, “Um…thank you. Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be thanking you, because you caused it.”
“It was a long time coming. I’d wanted to throw you in the water since the first day I got here.”
“Oh really…”
“Yeah. Really.” He smiled mischievously.
“By the way, why are you still here?”
He squinted. “What do you mean?”
“You could have easily gone back to New York with Jade. You know that.”
“Are you implying something?”
“I’m not implying anything. I just know that you’ve been using the Sandy’s gig as the reason, and I find that hard to believe.”
“What do you want to hear, Amelia…that I’m here because of you?”
“No…I don’t know. I—”
“I don’t know why I’m here. Alright? That’s the truth. It just didn’t feel like it was time to leave.”
“Fair enough.”
“Are you done interrogating me for one night…pain in my ass?”
“Yes.” I smiled. “Payne in my ass” was another name he used to call me. It was a play on my last name—Payne.
“Good.”
“For the record, I’m really glad you stayed.”
He shook his head and rubbed his eyes then said, “Trying to hate you is exhausting.”
“So, stop trying.”
My teeth started to chatter; it was getting chilly out.
“We’d better go inside,” he said.
Following him to the house, I couldn’t help thinking that the cold air outside had nothing on the warm feeling inside of me from having reconnected with him tonight.
“You hungry?” he asked.
“Starving, actually.”
“Go change. I’ll make dinner.”
“Really?”
“Well, we gotta eat, don’t we?”
“Yeah. I guess we do. I’ll be back.” I smiled all the way to my room, giddy from the idea of him cooking for me.
When I returned with a dry outfit, my heart fluttered at the sight of Justin standing at the stove. He was still shirtless and wearing his gray beanie while frying some vegetables in a pan.
I cleared my throat. “Smells good. What are you making?”
“Just a teriyaki stir fry with rice…seeing as though you have a limited palette. When the hell did you stop eating red meat anyway? You used to be a carnivore.”
He must have remembered how much we enjoyed Burger Barn together in the old days.
“One day, I just woke up and thought about how bizarre it was to be eating a cow. It made no sense. And I just stopped cold turkey.”
“Seriously? That’s kind of ridiculous.”
“Yes.”
“You’ve always been a little bizarre, Amelia. I can’t say that surprises me.”
I winked. “That’s why you love me.” I’d meant it to come out facetiously but immediately regretted using the word love given his prior admission. When he didn’t respond, I panicked and diarrhea of the mouth developed. “I didn’t mean that you still love me. I was just joking. I—”
He held out his palm. “Stop while you’re ahead. I knew what you meant.”
I pursed my lips, trying to think of a quick change of subject. “Do you think you’ll go back to playing at Sandy’s tomorrow night?”
“Probably.”
“Good. I’m really looking forward to hearing you perform again.”
He grabbed two plates and emptied the contents of the pan onto each of them then slid mine across the counter. “Here.”
“Thank you. This smells delicious.”
The dish he’d made was actually very tasty. He’d added sesame seeds and water chestnuts. “Where did you learn to cook like this?”
“Self-taught. I’ve been cooking for myself for years.”
“Where are your parents now?”
“I thought we were done talking about this stuff.”
“Sorry. You’re right.”
Despite his having said that, he looked up from his plate and answered my question anyway. “My mother moved back to Cincinnati when I was in college. They sold the house. My father lives in a condo in Providence now.”
“How long after I left did things continue between my mother and him?”
“About a year. My mother found out about what they were doing under our roof and kicked him out. He lived with Patricia for a while before things went sour between them.”
“He moved in with her?”
“Yeah.”
I couldn’t believe it.
“My mother kept that from me then. That explains why Nana stopped speaking to her around that time. She was mortified by their actions.”
“I spent a lot of time over there with your grandmother before I moved away. She was the only person who kept me sane.”
“Did you ever talk about me to her?”
“She tried to get me to, but I wouldn’t.”
“Do you think she left us both this house because she knew it would force us to face each other?”
“I honestly don’t know, Amelia.”
“I think she did.”
“I had no intention of coming here and trying to make amends with you.”
“No…really? I didn’t catch on.” When he cracked a slight smile, I asked, “Do you still feel the same?”
“Things don’t change overnight. We talked. That’s not gonna erase years of shit that happened. We’re not going to just be able to magically be best friends again.”
“I never expected that.” Playing with the remnants of my food, I thought long and hard before speaking again. “I’m just gonna say one last thing. And then I promise I won’t harp on it anymore.”
“I wouldn’t put money on that.” When his mouth curved into another smile, it was enough to give me the confidence to spill my guts one last time.
“I will probably spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t run away, if I’d just put my fear aside and told you everything I was feeling. You told me tonight that you were in love with me back then. I truly didn’t know that, Justin, but I wish I had. I really had no clue you felt that way. I need you to know that I loved you, too. I just had a really shitty way of showing it. And to think that you spent all of these years hating me. I just want you to be happy. If being around me makes you angry or stressed, then I don’t want to force anything, and if that’s the case, maybe it is best that we keep our distance. But if there’s a chance that we can truly be friends again, I would want nothing more. And I’m not stupid. Of course, I know it won’t happen overnight. That’s it. I won’t say anything else about it.” I got up from the table and put my plate in the dishwasher. “Thank you for dinner and for talking to me. I’m gonna turn in early.”
Just as my foot hit the first step to go upstairs, his voice stopped me. “I never hated you. I couldn’t hate you if I tried. Believe me, I have tried.”
Turning around and smiling, I said, “Good to know.”
“Good night, Payne in my ass.”
“Good night, Justin.”
