“I CAN’T BELIEVE we’re graduating in two weeks,” Mia mumbled between mouthfuls of pasta. “Did you decide on an apartment?” We were having a long-overdue roomie supper at the Italian restaurant down the street. They made the best rigatoni and a cheese dish with honey that dreams were made of.
I’d been stalking three apartments for the last few weeks, struggling to decide between them. “Going with the smaller but closer-to-work option. I wanted that soaker tub like I need my next breath, but the commute would’ve been forty minutes.” I lifted my hands in a “whatever” gesture.
Mia winked at me. “Think how fit you’ll be walking back and forth to work.”
“Uh-huh, I wasn’t worried about not being fit until this very moment. Thanks for that.” She gave me a thumbs-up and continued to shovel spaghetti into her mouth.
“It’s surreal. It’s going to be over. You know?”
A sliver of pain started in my chest. “I’m going to miss you.”
Not only was I leaving Windsor, but Mia and I were separating. Me, to start my internship, and her, to go to medical school in Vancouver.
A loud group of girls entered the restaurant and interrupted my thoughts. Looking over my shoulder, I could see they were the girls who sat in front of Jax and me in class. The booth shook as they sat at the table behind ours. Mia was already peeking over, straining to hear what they were saying. They were loud, but I could only hear bits and pieces of their gossip.
Mia lowered her voice. “Something about a girl who’s pining over some hot guy at school.” She scrunched up her nose, not a fan of tearing someone down.
“Who does she think she is?” I couldn’t make out who was talking. They all sounded similar, but I wasn’t a fan of this one. “She can’t possibly believe he’s not going to ditch her at the end of the semester.” The girls laughed at her little bitchy joke.
“She can’t be that naïve, and those pictures!” The sound of judgment was practically rolling out of another girl’s mouth.
“Talk about cheap, climbing all over him in public like that.”
A bottomless pit formed in my stomach as what they said sunk in. A rational voice broke through the others. “I mean, obviously, she knows Jax is leaving for Boston. It wasn’t a secret.”
My breath hitched, and heat flooded my skin as dread slammed into my gut. Shit.
Distantly, I heard Mia calling my name. Her face was full of sympathy, which only made this worse. An overwhelming feeling of shame settled over me, and I took three slow breaths to calm my frantic heart.
Mia stood abruptly and walked behind me, looming over their table. Her face pinched, and she raised her chin to glare down at the group. They didn’t stand a chance. “How would you like to be talked about like that?”
The girls all looked at her, but she cut them off before they could reply. “You aren’t showing any sympathy or consideration for how your careless conversation could hurt others.”
The girls glanced in my direction and winced. “You’re better than this.” The disappointment in Mia’s tone had all the girls staring down at the table, only one speaking up.
“I’m sorry.”
“You should be.” Mia stormed back to our table, quickly paying the bill, and we were out of there. She didn’t bring it up, but she glanced toward me every few seconds, eyes roaming over me, checking for signs of a breakdown.
As soon as we got home, we collapsed on the couch and leaned against each other. Mia shuffled endlessly through Netflix, finally choosing a horror movie. Thank god, because I couldn’t stand a rom-com right now. She’d been texting back and forth with someone but monitored me as she did. Her brows furrowed in the middle, worry clear on her face. I breathed in deeply and reminded myself I’d known this was coming. I just didn’t expect to have it rubbed in my face in such a shit way.
Deep breath one…
Deep breath two…
Deep breath three…
As my heart squeezed, I looked at Mia. “I’m going to miss him.” It was the first time I’d admitted it out loud, and an ache throbbed in my chest. Mia looked at me, but I rested my head on her shoulder, watching a girl get hacked to bits on TV. There was nothing to say. I wasn’t a defeatist. I’d be fine after graduation. Yes, it would hurt, yes, I’d miss him, but I was moving to Ottawa and starting a new exciting internship. Jax would be preoccupied with his own excitement. I had to believe I’d be okay.
Sensing my unease, Mia asked, “Ice cream?”
I tried my hardest to keep my voice neutral. “I don’t think that’s going to cut it this time.” A heavy weight pushed down on me, and I got up, heading to my room after the movie.
“I hope you know what you’re doing, Sidney.” Her voice was soft, filled with concern. Yeah, I hope so too.
I lay in my bed, and I couldn’t stop thinking that I wanted to hit pause to enjoy this time a little longer. I was hurtling toward the end of this chapter of my life, and I wanted a reread. I knew I’d be revisiting my favorite lines and moments for years to come.
Whatever was between Jax and me was deeper, truer. I could see it in his long stares when he thought I wasn’t looking, in the way he held me like he refused to let go. I knew because I felt it too. The magnetic pull that brought us together was now ripping us apart. Hearing we had less than two weeks until he left had me shutting down. Going into survival mode, I was building my walls back up and protecting myself from what I’d always known was coming. I knew that there was only one way it would end. I was an idiot for thinking that knowing what was happening would stop it from gutting me.
My feelings had changed weeks ago. He invaded my mind in every quiet moment. The more time went by, the more I believed we belonged together. The universe didn’t want us to miss out on this precious thing so few got to experience. I wished it had set us on an intertwined path instead of a diverging one. We were a perfect example of the right person at the wrong time.
My chest filled with ice, and I couldn’t help the tears that escaped. This would rip my heart out, and there was nothing I could do about it.
The hard truth was we both looked at each other, wanting to be a little selfish. Wanting to ask the other to sacrifice for the other but never crossing that line. If that wasn’t proof of how we felt about each other, I didn’t know what was. Knowing that he felt the same didn’t make it any easier. It didn’t change what was coming, no matter how much I wished it did.
Why did I have to fall for him? Because that was what happened. I skirted right on the line. But he kept showing me all the ways he was different, special, and, honestly, kind of magical. My brain tried to say I had this under control, but the aching crack through my heart, whenever I thought past graduation, had liar written all over it.
Me: What are you up to?
I’d been staring at my phone for the last few minutes, waiting for a response. My fingers ran through my hair and pulled at the root. With a groan, I put my phone down on my nightstand. Get a hold of yourself.
I tossed my legs over the side of the bed, sitting up, and took a deep breath in, out, in, out. With every breath, the ache hurt more. When I felt like saying screw it and wanting to make all kinds of compromises to be with Jax, I reminded myself that this was how I’d feel most of the time. Alone.
There was a hard knock on the front door. Startled, I jumped to my feet, jogged to the door, and peeked through the peephole. I couldn’t help the wide smile that stretched my mouth.
“Let me in, Sid. I can hear you there ogling me.”
The laugh I let out released all the tension with it. Opening the door, I leaned against the jamb and took him in. He was in his standard gray sweats, of course, and a dark blue Henley. His cap was tipped forward, covering his eyes, but his mouth had my attention. It dropped open, and his tongue licked his top teeth as his mouth formed a sexy smile. He met my eyes, heat gleaming in his.
“Damn, babe, you should greet me like this every time.” He reached out and played with the hem of my sleep shorts. I could feel my face redden, realizing I was wearing my skimpiest shorts and a thin T-shirt. Jax nuzzled my neck and ran his nose up the side of my face with his warm breath, leaving a fiery trail behind it. He stepped back and smiled at my disgruntled protest. He held up a bag I’d been too distracted to notice. “I brought dessert.”
My mouth wobbled, but I smiled. “You’re an absolute saint.”
His brows pinched with concern, and his free hand reached up to my jaw. “What happened?”
“Nothing that matters now. Whatcha bring me?” I rubbed my hands together in excitement and pushed away all the achy feelings of earlier. I would have plenty of time for those later.
Jax took out two chocolate explosion cheesecakes and placed them on the coffee table, along with cutlery and napkins. My mouth fell open. “How did you know?” They were my favorite as a kid, but I hadn’t had one in years.
“Lucky guess.” His smirk was hiding something. Mia. She must have been texting him. Sneaky bitch. He’d brought me cheesecake, so I couldn’t complain. We sat on the couch, flipping on the TV while we mindlessly ate our dessert. Mouth filling with chocolate goodness, I sighed happily. I was wallowing in my loneliness, harping that being with him meant always being alone, only to have him show up with my favorite dessert, no less. I watched as he stuffed cake in his mouth, eyes on the TV, and an overwhelming warmth filled me. Hope.
A few minutes later, he got up, collected our garbage, and headed over to dump it in the trash. He grabbed a blanket on the way back, and a broad smile crossed his face when he looked at me.
“You got something here.” His chuckle rumbled through the room, but I stilled as his thumb swiped across my bottom lip, and he sucked it clean.
I grinned. “You can’t buy my heart with cheesecake. You need at least a full-course meal for that.”
We both smiled as he stroked his thumb over my cheek. “There’s the feistiness I know and love.”
He placed a quick kiss on the tip of my nose before sitting on the couch, tucking me into his side. I let all the air out of my lungs. Love.
Jax threw the blanket over both of us and tucked me closer. The woodsy smell of him felt like an old memory and a warm bed, like coming home. I settled into the normalcy of watching shows with my boyfriend. A regular couple doing ordinary things. No impending wall we were about to slam into, and I let my thoughts drift into daydreams about what it would be like to make this permanent. If I bent on my rules, would he always be like this? I didn’t know, but I was starting to think I was willing to find out.
