I felt antsy as I paced the room, knowing Ian would be coming here soon. I stared at my phone to see Lucas’ contact. Why do I feel almost guilty for running into Ian? I didn’t invite him over or initiate the conversation. Hell, I tried to get away.
Olive: You won’t believe who else I ran into today.
I decided to text him about it. Then it won’t feel like such a bad thing, right?
My Knight: Hmm, let’s see. A high school bully who saw you today, and questioned their life decisions?
His answer made me let out a laugh.
Olive: No, although, it would feel amazing to rub my life in some people’s faces.
My Knight: I give up then. Who did you run into?
Olive: Ian. He was at the bookstore when I was spying on my dad’s girlfriend.
I sent the first message typing out the second when my phone started to vibrate in my hand. Lucas was calling me, no longer interested in texting about this…he wanted to talk. My heart raced with worry, making me feel like I was about to get scolded.
‘Hello?’ I answered wearily.
‘Rose, do I need to be worried?’ He sounded so vulnerable when he asked, making my chest hurt.
‘No. I’m yours Lucas. There’s nothing to worry about.’
‘Does he know?’ He asked, making me realize I actually hadn’t told Ian anything.
‘Not yet. I didn’t get a chance when I was trying to run away from him.’
‘That’s my girl.’ I could hear the smile on Lucas’ face. ‘Don’t let him back in, Rose. He hurt you deeply. If I can feel your hurt from reading about it in a journal, I can’t imagine how much pain you were actually in.’
‘I know, my Knight. Don’t worry, I can handle this one myself.’
‘Olive, if you decide you want him to be your friend again, I won’t judge you. I’ll watch him carefully, but aside from that, I will be kind to him.’
‘Thank you, Lucas. He’s actually meeting me to show me letters he said he sent. He told me he wrote to me, but the letters would return unopened with a return to sender written on them.’ I sighed as I plopped back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.
‘Do you believe him?’ He asked, very interested in the answer.
‘I don’t know. I guess I’ll believe him when I see it for myself.’
‘I love you, Rose. Do me a favor and punch him if he’s lying.’
I let out a laugh, smiling as I answered him now.
‘I love you too, my Knight. I’ll do more than just punch him if he’s lying.’
‘Good girl, Rose.’ I smiled as he called me that, feeling happy, knowing we were okay. He’s okay, and wants to make sure I’m okay. ‘I better go. I lied and told Lisa and Mom I needed to use the restroom so I could call you without them present. I better get back before the restaurant thinks I’m clogging up the toilet here.’ He made me chuckle, picturing him hiding away in a bathroom to call me.
‘I love you, Lucas. Thank you for calling.’
‘I love you too, Olive. Guard your heart, and let me know how it goes.’
We both hung up, and I felt a lot better after our conversation. Running into Ian didn’t feel like such a dirty little secret anymore. I can’t wait to be back in Lucas’ arms. The knock on my door had me bolting out of my bed. I opened it to find Ian on the other side with a shoe box in his hand. I stepped out into the hall, because I am not letting him into my room.
‘The garden here, or our old spot?’ he asked me with his charming smile.
‘Garden.’ Going to our old spot didn’t feel right. Ian isn’t a liar. At least he never was in high school, so I want to believe him about the letters, but at the same time it sounds far-fetched.
**Song suggestion: “The Winner Takes It All” by Mack Lorén**
I led the way through the inn towards the back doors, exiting the building into the cool air. The smell of the flowers was sweet in the air with the warm sun helping to keep the cold from sinking deep into my bones. We took a seat on a metal bench in the corner.
‘Here.’ He handed me the box, which I placed on my lap, and slowly opened. Surely enough, there were dozens of red envelopes. I grabbed one, seeing my name on it with the correct address. When I turned it over, I could see the return to sender scribbled on the back in familiar penmanship. Dad.
This entire time, I believed Ian had never written to me. I believed he didn’t care about me. I let myself think our 2 year friendship meant nothing to him, yet it was my dad’s fault. I’m not sure what motive he could have had to do something like this. It didn’t make sense, but the proof was in my hands. My eyes watered up as the insecure teenager in me began to heal. He didn’t abandon us.
There were so many letters, all stamped with different dates. Despite getting every single one back, he would still write. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as I stared at these red envelopes. I felt so overwhelmed with bitter happiness. Happy he didn’t abandon me, but so bitter we didn’t get a chance to stay in touch. How I could have used these letters…especially that night.
The tears were pouring out of me now. It was almost crushing me to see these letters, to know things could have been so different. I felt Ian scoot closer, wrapping his arm over my shoulders and pulling me into his side. I cried on him, clutching onto the box for dear life. I know its such a big reaction to some letters, but these weren’t just letters. Back then, these would have been lifelines for me. Teenage me could have used a friend, could have used the knowledge she was wanted, even if just by one person. Joe didn’t count.
‘I’m sorry, Red.’ Ian whispered, squeezing me tight. I shook my head on his chest.
‘No, I’m sorry, Ian. This was my dad, and I had no idea. Maybe he’s why you didn’t get my letters, too.’ I tried to think back to when I’d leave the letter in the mailbox for the mailman to take. Dad could have easily taken it.
‘Red, I promise I wrote to you almost every day. You were on my mind often while I was in London. I’d search you at least once a month on social media in case your dad had somehow changed his mind and gotten you a phone.’ He was telling me so many things I’d long to hear when I was 16. ‘I worried about you daily, but I figured, or more like I hoped, you had moved on from me. I hoped you had a new best friend who was keeping you safe. Someone who was rescuing you the way I used to.’ His hand found my chin, lifting me up to look at him. ‘You were so precious to me, Red, still are.’ He kissed my forehead, surprising me.
‘I didn’t have anyone then, but I do now. I have a best friend, Hailey, and a boyfriend named Lucas. My friends aren’t plenty, but the few I have are important.’ Ian nodded his head at my words. His eyes shimmered as he looked at me. I could almost see longing behind those blue eyes. It’s arrogant thinking. Why would he long for me?
‘Keep the letters. They were meant to be yours, anyway.’ He told me, wiping the tears from my eyes. ‘It may be a lot to ask for, but Red, can we be friends again?’ I contemplated it for a moment. The only reason we’re not is currently sitting on my lap. He didn’t hurt me, dad did, again. I nodded my head at him, wiping my tears away.
‘I would like that.’ I nodded my head, making him give me that wide smile I’d missed. ‘When did you move back to the states?’
‘I moved back for college. My mom followed suit, missing Portsmouth. Dad is still overseas, but he’s coming into town tomorrow.You know I searched for you when I came back, but you didn’t have any social media. Your dad wouldn’t tell me what college you were attending or even give me your phone number. I am so happy I ran into you Red. You should come say hi to my parents. They miss you, too. Maybe then you can fill me in on what’s going on with your dad?’
He arched a brow, tilting his head towards me like he used to do when he knew I was holding back. I laughed, almost forgetting his silly antics. I couldn’t believe Dad never told me about Ian coming to look for me. Given what I know about the letters now, it doesn’t surprise me. Had he found me when he first came back he would have saved me from Julius.
‘Yeah, okay, I’ll come. Is it still the same house?’
‘The one and only.’ He nodded. ‘Here, give me your number and I’ll text you when dad gets in town.’ He held his phone out for me to take. I dug my own out of my pocket, handing it to him when I took his. I typed my number in his phone, saving myself as his preferred name for me, Red. When I took my phone back, I saw he’d save himself as #1 best friend.
‘I don’t know if that’s true anymore.’ I raised a brow at him with a playful smirk.
‘I’ll make it true.’ He winked at me. I didn’t realize how much I needed this closure.,, these letters. Thank you, Ian.
I woke up the next morning with this stomach bug still present. I guess I should be grateful it hasn’t made me throw up all day long. My eyes were still sticky with sleep. I was exhausted, having stayed up late talking with Ian. We spoke in person till the sunset and then we texted almost all night.
Lucas and I texted all night, too. He didn’t get much sleep. He said he needs me in his arms to get any semblance of sleep. I let him know how things went with Ian and he said he was happy for me. I don’t know how true those words are. I think it bothers him a little that we’re friends again. I’m not sure, but I hope not.
#1 Best Friend: Good morning, sleepy Red. If you’re anything like teenage Red, then you’re still asleep. In which case, I hope this wakes you 3:)
Olive: Jokes on you, I am already awake :p
I was feeling happy to have my first best friend back in my life. I feel whole again.
Olive: Good morning, my Knight. I hope you were able to get some sleep. I miss you terribly. Also, this stomach bug won’t leave me alone. I’m still throwing up 🙁
Olive: I demand you make it stop.
My Knight: I wish I could. I miss you my Rose. Think mom and Lisa would notice if I fly back to you today?
His text made me grin so widely.
Olive: They would definitely notice. Your presence is very much noted when it’s gone. I wish you could though. I need to be wrapped around you again. These next few days can’t pass by fast enough.
My Knight: I need you, Olive. I need you desperately.
I was in the middle of typing my reply to Lucas when my phone buzzed with a text from Ian.
Olive: I need you too.
I sent it to Lucas before opening Ian’s text.
#1 Best Friend: *gasp* She wakes before 10 now?
I laughed at his message. I used to be quite the sleepy head when I was younger.
Olive: She’s grown now.
My Knight: Have fun today, and be careful with your dad. I love you my Rose.
Olive: I love you too, my Knight. Tell Lisa and your mom I say hi.
I got myself dressed for the day, ignoring the buzzing of my phone while I got ready. With my hair braided, and a thick turtleneck sweater dress and ankle boots on, I headed out.
#1 Best Friend: Look what I found.
It was a picture of a stuffed animal I had won for him at a fair the summer after freshman year.
#1 Best Friend: He’s a little worn and torn, but still kicking it.
Olive: Oh my gosh! Poor little fella. He’s had to deal with you for all these years xD
#1 Best Friend: Harsh.
#1 Best Friend: Come to the house at 2 today. Dad will be here then and mom’s making dinner. She said she can’t wait to see you again.
Mrs. Daniels was the absolute sweetest woman on this planet. She was joy and warmth bottled into a person. I missed her too when Ian left.
Olive: I can’t wait to see her, too.
I snuck by the bookstore again, watching dad’s new girlfriend. She was kind, and it only made me worry for her more. Kind people don’t usually stand up for themselves. I hope I’m wrong. I decided to take a gamble and interact with her. I grabbed a book that looked interesting and went to check out.
‘Did you find everything okay?’ She asked me with a smile.
‘Sure did.’ I nodded, smiling back. She rang me up, rubbing her stomach after she placed the book in a big.
‘How far along are you?’ I asked her.
‘You can tell? I’m only about 15 weeks along.’ She blushed as she answered.
‘I assumed since you kept rubbing it. You don’t look big or anything.’ I tried to retract my rude ass question. I knew she was pregnant, but it didn’t mean she actually looked it.
‘Yeah. I’ve formed a habit of doing that now.’ She smiled down at her little bump as she rubbed it. ‘It helps me remember he’s there.’
‘He? So you’re having a boy?’ My chest tightened at the news. Dad had always wanted a son, someone, to take his place in the ring. Someone he imagined would actually win.
‘Yeah, we did the early blood test. I couldn’t wait any longer.’ She giggled as she told me. She was in love with the bump. It was sweet to see.
‘Congratulations.’
‘Thank you.’
I finished checking out, grabbing my things. I should have paid more attention again. My head must be in the clouds, because in came dad. His eyes landed on me instantly, but I didn’t shy away. In fact, I decided to use this public setting to have words. I marched towards him, seeing him look past me at Daisy. He looked worried. She must not know about me.
‘How could you keep Ian’s letters from me?’ I started right off the bat. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water for a few seconds. I caught him off guard. I guess he assumed I would be asking him about the baby or his too-young-for-him girlfriend.
‘Why’s that matter? It was years ago. What are you doing here, anyway?’
‘I won’t answer until you do.’ I crossed my arms. ‘Better hurry before Daisy wonders who I am. I don’t think you told her about me. Are you trying to keep your past a secret, and start over? Make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes.’ I could tell I was angering him, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt so bitter right now… bitter and mean.
‘You didn’t need to be wrapped up in a boy. It was desperate. He moved to a different country, and you needed to let him go.’
‘You had no right to decide that! I’m in town visiting old friends, and learning all sorts of new things about you. Good luck with the new kid. I’ll be keeping a watch. If I see so much as a bruise on either of them, you can kiss your happy new future goodbye.’ I walked past him, and out into the fresh air, leaving behind the smell of books and coffee, and maybe a little piece of myself. I hope he can give you a better life than me, my little brother.
I am going to have a brother soon. I wonder if he will know about me. Will I be mentioned or forgotten…a shameful piece of his past, I guess we’ll see. I made my way to Joe’s shop, knowing exactly what I wanted and where. I slammed the tattoo shop door open, letting the cold breeze enter with me. Vicky’s eyes widened as she watched me march straight up to Joe and hopped on his table.
‘Purple ribbon beside the pink one. And a red envelope over the semicolon.’ I told him, not waiting a second.
‘Start talking,’ he said as he got his instruments ready.
I told him about Ian and the envelopes. I told him how dad kept them from me with a sad ass excuse. I told him about the way I was feeling. How bitter I felt at him starting a new family and acting like I didn’t exist in this new chapter of his life. I spiraled from there, talking all kinds of shit about him. I was furious and deeply hurt all at the same time. It didn’t take Joe long to finish since it was two simple things.
The purple ribbon sat beside the pink one. He wrote forever stronger than you inside it. I liked that part a lot. The red envelope swallowed the black semicolon, as if it was coming out the envelope itself. He wrote Life goes on inside it. He knew why I got the semicolon. It was the only time he gave me exactly what I had asked for.
‘Thanks for the therapy session, Joe. What do I owe you?’
‘Go see Vicky. She’ll check you out.’ Joe looked upset as I got up. I think he was mad over everything I’d said about my dad.
I checked out with Vicky, getting a nice Joe discount. The site stung a bit, but I liked the feeling. It distracted me from my other pain. My phone rang in my pocket, making me stop walking to fish it out. I love dresses with pockets, but these are a bit hard to get into. Lucas’ name flashed across my screen, making me smile.
‘Hello?’
‘We need to talk.’ He immediately answered, sounding pissed for some reason.
What happened?
