**Song suggestion: “Repeat Until Death” by Novo Amor**
I was deep into her junior year. It had been complete misery for her. The bullying was relentless, and her home wasn’t any better. She felt lost, depressed, and extremely lonely. She still worked with Joe, but she didn’t count him as her friend, even though he was her only social interaction. My heart broke for her immensely. I can’t imagine having to face everything she has been through by herself.
Dear Future Me,
If there even is a future for me. I guess I should say dear future whoever is reading this. I’ve decided today is the last day I’m going to take the harassment at school. The last day I’ll spar with dad and feel his fists on my torso.
It’s not worth it anymore. The ache in my chest has grown into a crater too big for me to handle. It has swallowed me whole and immersed me in its darkness. There’s no light here, no hope. I’m alone, bitterly and utterly alone.
No one cares for me, not even the two people on this planet meant to. I’m unwanted, I’m tired, and so I’m giving in. I’m relenting to the voice in my head that says life will be better once I’m dead.
I can’t imagine a single person who would be saddened by the news. The school may even throw a party when I’m gone. Dad would probably be mad I left a mess. I hope he regrets his life decisions as he cleans up my blood. I hope he realizes the pain he caused me and mom. She didn’t love me enough to take me with her. If your own parents can’t love you, who can?
Goodbye and sorry for the mess.
I think my heart stopped. Was this a suicide note? Did my Rose feel so alone she…I can’t even say it. I felt tears stream down my face as I hugged the journal. Not my Rose. I grabbed my phone, needing to hear her voice. Did she go through with it? Did she attempt to take her life?
‘Hello?’ her beautiful voice answered.
‘We need to talk,’ I said, a bit too sternly.
‘What’s wrong?’ I could hear the concern in her voice.
‘Rose, what is this entry in your junior year journal?’
‘You know you’re going to have to be more specific. There’s quite a few of them.’ She laughed, but I didn’t find it comical.
‘The one that tore my heart out. Tell me you didn’t go through with it. Tell me you wrote it down, and changed your mind after.’
The line grew silent aside from her breathing.
‘I did it.’ She sounded so small as she admitted her dark truth.
‘Rose!’ I couldn’t help myself. ‘How could you?’
‘I was young and alone. Life was dark and hopeless then, Lucas. You don’t understand.’
I’ve frowned on suicide all my life, but more so since losing Ivy and John. They didn’t choose to die. They had their life stolen from them. Then there’s people who take life for granted, permitting themselves the easy way out, because they can’t take it anymore. It’s unfair to those of us they leave behind.
‘I know it wasn’t okay. I’m not saying it was. I’m telling you why I did it.’ She sighed as she spoke. I could hear the sadness in her voice.
‘You’re not alone anymore,’ I reminded her.
‘I know, I’m fine now, Lucas. I got help after.’
‘Rose, I’m sorry you ever felt so alone.’
‘I know,’ she sighed. ‘I’m sorry you read that. I forgot it was in there.’
‘I love you so much, Rose!’
‘I love you too. So very much!’
‘Good, because I’m never leaving you alone. You’ll never feel alone again.’ Even if she broke up with me and sent me away, I would bother the hell out of her to make sure she never felt alone. Not in a mean way, of course, an annoying way…my way.
‘I’ll hold you to that.’ The smile had returned to her voice again.
“So tell me, what are you up to today?’
‘I am going to Ian’s house to see his mom and dad again. I’ve missed them. Mrs. Daniels invited me to stay for dinner, so I’ll probably end up staying there all evening. I’ll head back home tomorrow morning. What about you?’
‘We’re going skiing this evening, and then Lisa said she was going to cook dinner, so wish me luck. I may die tonight.’ I joked, hearing her laugh. I love her laugh.
‘I’ll pray for you,’ she teased.
‘I miss you.’
‘I miss you, too. I am ready to be back home with you.’ She doesn’t know this, but I plan to surprise her on Thanksgiving day. We’re only here till Wednesday night. I’ll be back in time to celebrate with her and be thankful for her.
‘Me too, Rose.’
‘I’m at Ian’s now. I better go, but I love you. Have fun skiing. Don’t forget the sunblock.’
‘I won’t. I love you, too. Have fun, call me tonight when you get back to the Inn.’ I want to hear all about this little dinner with Ian and his family. I can’t help but feel a bit scared. What if she still loves him?
‘I will. Goodbye, my Knight.’
‘Goodbye, my Rose.’ The line went dead, making me miss her voice already. I hate being away from her. I grabbed her journal, curious to see what she wrote next. What comes after something like that?
Dear future me,
I’m sorry. I am sorry I wasn’t strong. I am sorry I almost killed us. I am sorry I am so weak and pathetic. I won’t do it again I swear. As you know I got some help. I’d never seen dad so upset before. He was furious, but he was also concerned. I guess now I know he cares enough not to see me die. He helped stop the bleeding and took me to the emergency room. When I came home a few days later the blood had been wiped clean, all evidence of my attempt had been erased.
I imagined Dad cleaning it up, and I wondered how he felt as he did it. He’s kinder and more patient with me than before. I guess he didn’t notice how much pain I was in emotionally. He felt guilty. He hasn’t had me spar, and he’s been drinking a lot less. Honestly, things at home have gotten better, at least for now. I know he’ll go back to normal in a week, tops. Still, it’s nice for now.
I got my first tattoo today. Joe gave me permission, and so I put a semicolon under my right breast over my rib cage. It didn’t end, only paused. School is better too. It still sucks ass, but at least the teachers are being nicer. The principal checks in on me every once in a while, too. I am picked on more now, but it’s only done when a teacher leaves the room, or in the stairwells when no one is looking, so there’s not as many opportunities for them to do it.
I am going to therapy now, every Tuesday after school. Dad actually takes me there and he stays and waits for me. I am okay now. I started going to the gym, and I’m dealing with my emotions in a better way. I won’t wallow ever again. I won’t.
A recovering,
Past You
I was glad to read that things had gotten easier, at least. I still couldn’t believe she did it. It broke my heart to know, so when I see her I’m going to love on her like never before. I’m going to hold her and kiss her and never let her go again. You’re everything to me, Rose, and I’ll make sure you know.
Olive’s P.O.V.
Ian’s familiar Dutch colonial styled, white house with red shutters and bright red door came into view as I reached the end of the dirt road path. I missed this place with its lush green grass, no matter the time of year, such soft grass you’d think you were walking on clouds. I parked, taking a deep breath, and calming my twirling stomach. I don’t know why part of me was scared of entering their house. I was scared of the feelings it would stir inside me again. The want for a normal family, for the loving embrace of a nice family.
I headed towards the door, knocking on the thick cold metal. I could hear Ian yelling ‘coming’ as he approached the door. It swung open to reveal his tousled hair and kind smile. A smile that wrinkles the sides of his eyes in merriment. He was happy to see me. ‘Welcome back to my humble abode.’ He gestured with his arm to come in. I stepped past him, greeted by the toasty heat. Mrs. Daniels always kept it warm here during the colder months. The familiar scent of lavender and fresh linen hit me right in the heart. I had missed this smell. I took a deep breath, trying to fill my lungs with it.
‘Livie! You’ve grown into such a beautiful young woman!’ Mrs. Daniels rounded the corner with her gorgeous golden hair tied up in a large bun with some loose, curled strands.
She held her arms open wide for me to hug her as her grass green eyes scanned my body. I leaned in, giving her a hug back. I didn’t realize how badly I needed a hug from her. She was like the mom I had been missing this whole time. She grabbed my face with both her hands, kissing each cheek before letting go.
‘I’m so happy you could make it. We’ve missed your beautiful face over the years,’ she complained, side-eyeing Ian like it was his fault she hadn’t seen me.
‘I’ve missed you too.’ I smiled back at her kind eyes. Mrs. Daniels had a sculpted face like a model without the resting bitch face. She had a face which radiated warmth, and all that was good in the world.
‘I’m making your favorite. At least I hope it is still your favorite.’ She smiled.
‘Your lasagna rolls?’ I almost jumped in excitement when she nodded. She made the absolute best spinach and ricotta cheese lasagna rolls I’d ever had. She’s always said it’s because of the Italian in her. ‘I can’t wait! Thank you, Mrs. Daniels.’
‘Oh, honey, no. You’re a grown woman now. Call me Caterina,’ she scolded me with a flick of her wrist.
‘Okay, Caterina.’ I nodded, feeling odd saying her first name. She’s always just been Mrs. Daniels.
‘I better head back to the kitchen. Come help once you’ve said hello to Donald.’ I nodded my head, watching her walk through the swinging door to the kitchen in the back. She was a sight for sore eyes, if there ever was one. I was happy to be able to see her again. This whole family, actually.
‘Come on, Dad’s this way,’ Ian said with a smile as he took my hand and dragged me to the study. He slid the French doors open, showing his large father standing, looking over his desk. His light brown hair had grayed a bit in certain areas. He’d gained some weight, but still had his athletic physique. He was like a large teddy bear with a great big beard. His lips turned into a wide smile when he noticed me.
‘Liv! Long time no see! So happy you could join us. Cat has been nonstop about how excited she was to have you over. It’s like she forgot all about me coming into town.’ He laughed his big barley laugh, causing me to smile wider. I’d missed his laugh too, one that lightens your heart by just hearing it.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean to take the attention away from you,’ I apologized, feeling bad for him.
‘Ah, it’s alright. When you’ve been married for 25 years, you get to know each other too well. I know my Cat loves company, and she most especially loves company she hasn’t seen in a while. I’m glad you two reconnected. Ian was such a mess when we first moved. The boy moped around the house depressed for a whole damn year.’ Donald shook his head in disappointment, crossing his arms. There was still a look of amusement on his face, like he found it funny.
‘Dad!’ Lucas scolded him. ‘I didn’t mope.’ He turned to me this time.
‘Good to know,’ I giggled.
‘It’s nice to see you again, Liv.’ Donald beamed a smile at me as I gave him a small wave. Ian slid the doors closed behind us with a mischievous grin.
‘Follow me, I wanna show you something.’ He walked ahead, going up the large stairs. He waited for me on the landing as he noticed I wasn’t immediately following. He arched a brow at me. ‘What are you waiting for?’
‘Just wondering if it’s a good idea for me to follow.’ Probably wouldn’t be cute for Lucas to hear I went upstairs to Ian’s room with him.
‘Of course it is. Now come on.’ He waved me over with his hand pleadingly.
‘Fine,’ I caved, deciding I’ll go up the stairs, but not into his room.
The stairs creaked in their familiar complaint. Even they missed me. Ian was silent and didn’t look back as we climbed further up the stairs. He didn’t turn right towards his room like I thought he would either. Instead, he turned left and then opened the door to the guest bedroom. He stepped inside the room and disappeared on the other side of the bed as he knelt down.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked from the doorway.
‘Just getting something.’ His tone told me he was up to something, but I had no idea what. Six years can change a person a lot and I know Ian isn’t exactly the same and neither am I. So, there is no telling what he’s about to do. He stood back up with a triumphant haza. In his hand was a little old and dusty box. He brushed it off as he walked back over to me.
‘I never got a chance to give this to you before I left, since I was picked up at school without warning. I was going to give this to you the day I was meant to leave after school.’ He handed me the box, and at first I just looked at it. I imagined what it would have been like to get this when we said goodbye. I slowly opened the box, peering inside with deep curiosity. The rose gold ring was braid-like in appearance and seemed almost woven together. I picked it up, noticing there was something engraved on the inside.
9/10 BFF
It was the date we had met, September 10th. With a heavy heart, I offered him a small smile as a bittersweet feeling stirred in my chest. Our time was cut short. I placed the ring on my right index finger where it fit perfectly.
‘Thank you, Ian. It’s very sweet.’ Ian surprised me with another hug. I forgot how much of a hugger he was. His arms felt familiar, felt safe. I’d missed this too.
‘I better go help your mom before she finishes,’ I said, pulling back from his hug. I heard him sigh slightly, but then he nodded.
‘You better wash up first. Use the guest bathroom here.’ He pointed behind him to the bathroom. I stepped through, admiring the ocean themed bathroom. Over the toilet tank was a little woven basket with toiletries for women, pads and tampons, both. I found it sweet of Caterina to have a basket like this for her female guests. I was washing my hands with warm water when I started thinking of the date. Holy fuck, I’m late! The water continued to pour over my hands as I stood there frozen. I ran through the dates in my head again, but every time I did, I came up 5 days late now. How did I not notice?
Could I be pregnant?
