Ari slams the door on me before I can get another word in and explain myself. I feel horrible that I made her so upset. I feel horrible that she thinks I was going to just fuck her and then exit her life forever. But she had every right to be upset because she was right. I was going to do just that.
I stand at the door debating with myself if I should knock and explain why I can’t take this any further. I sigh, frustrated. I feel defeated. I’m not good at these things. I raise my hand about to knock, then let my hand fall back to my side. There’s nothing I can say or do at this point. I think it’s best to give her some space. I don’t want to bother her with these kinds of things even though I know I owe it to her.
But I don’t care.
The selfish part of me prevails yet again and I don’t care to explain myself. Was I wanting to have a one-night stand with her? Definitely, when I first met her at the bar. There’s no denying how mesmerizing she is. Not only her beautiful smile and curves but she has this charm about her, taunting me… But now I realize, everything is different. I just found out she’s Paul’s sister… and how amazing of a person she is. I’ll feel like a total asshole if I just fuck and ghost her.
I decide to head for a cold shower to get rid of the intense heat I was feeling from the moments we shared on the couch. Remembering the way her lips felt on mine… her taste so fucking captivating. I wanted to take her right there on my couch.
I walk towards the bathroom door, opening it. Running my hands through my hair, drowning in my thoughts.
I mean, I knew Paul had a sister, but I never knew what she looked like. I didn’t even know her name. He was very protective over her and never showed me or any of the guys what she looked like. He wanted to avoid any commentary or curiosity about her life. He kept his family life extremely private. Whenever we were home simultaneously, we always hung out at my place or Kane’s.
I couldn’t just have sex with Ari. I can tell she’s a sweet, kind soul and I’m not going to corrupt her with my demons, my baggage, and the stress of me leading her on. Especially since I’d be extremely busy these next few months and I wouldn’t even be able to entertain the thought of keeping in touch with her.
The mission always comes first. My team. My country. My job. My duty as a Navy SEAL. That’s why I only did one-night stands. Or friends-with-benefits type of shit. I didn’t want any type of distractions that came from women. Anything that could risk me catching feelings, I avoided at all costs. That’s why I wanted to keep it as simple as I could. Wine and dine, women, women that knew what I wanted clearly, revealing my boundaries and kinks, and then I would leave. Every woman that I had sex with, knew this about me, going in. No commitments and I’m not going to start now.
I walk over to the shower and turn it on. The shower head spills out cold water, hard. Purposefully to get rid of the blue balls Ari just gave me. I begin to undress, taking off my shirt first and I stare at my reflection a minute longer. Looking at the scar on my triceps and remembering Ari’s fingertips trailing it.
When I kissed Ari, I knew it would be different with her. The way she kissed me, the way she smells, and the way she bites her lip when she gets anxious, sends me into a total mess. I respect her too much to take her right then and there on my couch. My phone ringing broke us apart ruining the moment, deterring my dangerous lust towards her.
The phone call was coming from one of the girls I had recently started sleeping with. After I broke away from Ari and read the caller ID, it was a dreadful reminder of the man I truly am. It was hard to face her again when I read Nora’s name on my phone screen. So I stopped it right then and there. I was also getting questions from the team about our deployment.
Nora was calling me almost every day after we slept together, a few weeks ago. I told her, in a nice way, that I wanted to just be friends and I was going to be very busy and couldn’t see her again any time soon. Which was half true. My career puts stress on my personal/social life when I’m home. Even when I wasn’t working, I was working.
After hearing Ari’s stories of her abusive ex-boyfriend, I can’t help but feel like I need to protect her for the rest of her life. I knew it was something Paul would have wanted me to do. It is something he wanted me to do. As Paul comes into my head so does one memory where he only opened up about his sister and mother, one time. I jump into the shower as my mind leads me back to that night.
We were out on a mission, hiking toward our objective area in the middle of the night, overseas. The moon was the only light we had. We could barely see each other’s faces. We had a lot of time to just bullshit and talk about anything. It was Paul and I along with his team and my team of guys, around ten of us. He explained how he looked forward to coming back home to his mother’s cooking after the deployment was over and how he was so proud of his baby sister; she had just told him a few days earlier that she got into a great nursing program. He had the biggest smile on his face as he expressed his happiness for his sister. Paul was always finding joy in the darkest of things.
Then he stopped in his tracks and looked at me and our other friends who were listening to him talk. I could hear his voice in my ear like it was yesterday, vividly.
‘Promise me something guys.’ Paul stopped in his tracks and so did we. The sound of dirt and rocks beneath our feet, made the crunching noises halt, as we all stared at Paul, waiting.
Paul’s voice sounded serious, and I could tell he was fighting back his emotions, which was very unlike Paul, so I listened close.
Paul looked at me, then at Rooker, then at Kane.
‘If anything happens to me, please look after my mother and sister. Make sure they’re always good and safe. That’s my job right now. I’m the only man in that house right now. My dad left us when we were young and they only have me to count on. Promise me, you’ll look after them if I die.’ His leadership voice came out demanding as if he was ordering us.
‘Yeah… sure man,’ Kane said with no hesitation.
‘Of course,’ Rooker says at the same time as Kane.
All the members of his team agreed and nodded but I couldn’t open my mouth. The conversation felt uncomfortable and ridiculous.
I didn’t say anything at first. Maybe it was the selfishness in me stopping me from agreeing right away. I hesitated. When I make a promise, I’m a man of my word.
As an only child, I never had other siblings to look after or bond with. But Paul, Rooker and Kane were like my brothers. They were the closest thing to a sibling relationship I’ve had. I’d do anything for them.
“Grim?” Paul asks again.
I looked up at him and half smiled.
‘First of all, nothing is going to happen to your jackass,’ I say, laughing as I push Paul’s shoulder away from me. I gritted my teeth as the words left my mouth knowing full well, there was always a possibility that one of us wouldn’t come home. His rucksack jolts him back a little with the collision of my hand and he takes a step back to catch his balance. Then I continued.
‘And second of all, of course, bro, we’re all here for you… we’re all here for each other.’
In most of my memories from deployments, I tend to purposefully try and forget and only remember certain parts. Deployments are cruel to my mind and were the reason for the demons I had. Mostly, because of the Death that would follow. Deployments are the reason I drink almost every night. If something triggers my memory, they come back in flashbacks. The things I’ve been through are not easy on a human being but I can take it. Even if I can’t, I always find a way to keep pushing through, no matter what. Quitting wasn’t something that I ever did.
I never take long in the shower. I turn off the shower when I’m done, and I dry myself up quickly wrapping the towel around my torso. I glance at my phone that was near the sink, checking the time. It was already two in the morning. Fuck. I’m always in bed early and woke up early. I spent hours talking to Ari getting to know her and time went by so fast.
I found out her favorite comedy show is Parks and Recreation. Mine was The Office. We had a civil debate on which show was better. I still think The Office is better whereas Michael Scott is iconic. I now know she’s a trauma nurse which was inspired by Paul. I know she loves horror movies whereas I only like to watch comedy or action/adventure. I know she played soccer in high school while I was the dork that loved art class. Drawing and painting are still one of my favorite things to do. I know her favorite color is green, and she likes to read, travel, and occasionally play PC games. She prefers cold, rainy weather whereas I prefer hot weather all year long.
Lights start to flicker again as the hurricane is almost done passing through our town. I check the weather through my phone and the worst should be gone by five in the morning. Of course, it would continue to rain throughout the week, but all the dangerous storms should have passed. Luckily, the hurricane was downgraded to a tropical storm.
I feel like I need to check on Ari before I go downstairs and sleep on the couch. I also have to grab my boxers and the rest of my clothes. I always sleep naked, but I have a special guest, so I decide to be appropriate and wear clothes.
I softly knock on the door and unsurprisingly, I get no answer. I gently and quietly open the door to my bedroom. The lights is off but the lamp on my nightstand is on. I see Ari curled up underneath my blankets, already sleeping. I smile. Even asleep, she looks so angelic and peaceful. I just met this girl and I already feel something burning within me whenever I get close to her.
I finally step into my bedroom and quietly get my clothes out of the dresser without waking her.
Success.
I’m closing the bedroom door when I see that she starts to move underneath the covers, groaning, sadly. She’s muttering words I can’t make out. Then I realize, she’s dreaming. Whatever she’s dreaming sounds like a nightmare.
‘Paul, don’t go,’ Ari mutters. Then she quiets down and stops moving drifting into a deeper sleep, quickly.
She’s having a dream about Paul. My heart sinks. She’s still grieving. I frown, finally closing the door to my bedroom and I make my way downstairs. Almost all of the lights in my house are turned off.
Spending time with me must’ve triggered her emotions about him. Hell, she’s triggered mine.
I passed the worst parts of the grieving stage, and I almost feel healed. With the help of whiskey, cigarettes, and bar hopping. I wouldn’t let myself completely feel the loss of Paul.
I’m determined to not ever feel the extent of losing my brothers if I want to keep my career and sanity. I have walls up to prevent myself from enduring the tragedies of death. I go to the kitchen and I head for my favorite pick of poison.
