My mind is distracted for the entire day by Sterling and running into him this morning. I wasn’t expecting him, but I had a feeling that I would hear from him eventually after my conversation with Stella. However, this morning didn’t exactly go as I expected our next interaction would be.
The side of Sterling that I saw this morning brought back a sense of nostalgia. It was the old Sterling, the one who used to be kind and caring to me when no one else was paying attention. The soft, gentle Sterling. The one who made the butterflies come to life in my stomach.
And the one that I’ve been trying to avoid because it just messes with my head beyond belief.
He practically cornered me this morning. I tried to turn him down because there was a part of me that felt like he was doing it out of obligation until he reminded me something about himself. Sterling Barrett doesn’t do something that he doesn’t want to do. Even if he felt an obligation because of Stella, he wouldn’t have been as persistent if it wasn’t something he actually wanted to do.
Which I don’t know how to really feel about.
I don’t know if I can handle the way it toys with my mind. My heart and soul get their hopes up, only to be let down when I realize that I’m reading into something more than it actually is with Sterling. I’m afraid to be friends with him because I don’t know if I can be. I don’t know if I’m capable of maintaining a friendship when I’m actually in love with him.
I refuse to admit it out loud, but it’s the truth.
I’ve been in love with him since we were kids and that has never gone away or changed, even though I’ve tried. Lord, I have tried so hard to get him out of my head.
And here I am, having to cancel my original plans because Sterling wants to spend the evening together. As pathetic as it sounds, it wasn’t really a question. I would have jumped at the opportunity without any hesitation before I met Noah.
We’re just friends, but I have a sense of loyalty to him. Along with some curiosity of what could happen between us. He’s someone I could have a real future with.
Sterling, on the other hand… that’s always been a pipe dream. We all know how Sterling’s future is going to look and I’m not quite sure I fit into the picture aside from being his sister’s best friend. He’s destined for greatness, whereas I will never reach the same levels as him in life. We’re all just people simply living in Sterling’s world.
I see Noah in the hallway, waiting for me outside of the class we have together. We were supposed to have plans tonight to go see a movie, but here I am having to cancel on him. The guilt is already there, and it’s heavy as hell. He’s been talking about this since last week. A new Marvel movie that I have no idea what it’s about, but he was excited. And seemed even more thrilled that I agreed to go watch it with him.
“Hey, Olivia,” he greets me with that infamous bright smile as I stop in front of him. “How are you?”
“I’m alright,” I tell him with a shrug, shifting my weight nervously on my feet. “So, about our plans tonight. Is there any way that we could reschedule? I completely hate to do it, but I had something come up that I can’t get out of.”
Noah offers me a small smile and yet again, there’s nothing malicious that comes from him. “I already bought the tickets, but maybe I can see if I’m able to switch them to a different day.”
“Crap,” I mutter, hanging my head in defeat as the guilt overwhelms me. It doesn’t come in waves. Instead, it’s like a damn monsoon, completely consuming me in its depths. “I’m so sorry, Noah. It was something unexpected and I tried to get out of it.”
“Would you care if I asked Eric or someone to go with me? We can do something else when we reschedule.”
There’s something about the way Noah speaks that has me realizing the exact thing I wondered about him. He’s clearly oblivious, not even bothered by me needing to reschedule our plans. Either he’s that understanding or he’s what I thought. Flat. There’s no depth, no layers. What you see is what you get.
And maybe that’s not someone who I would want my future with, regardless of how safe he could be.
“Sure,” I smile at him, nodding in agreement. “I know how excited you were to go see this movie, so I would hate for you to miss it, especially when you already bought tickets. Would you want to do something another night this week that you might be free?”
Noah nods, smiling as he motions for me to walk in front of him into the classroom. “Of course,” he says happily, following behind me as we step inside and find our seats. “I’m sure we can figure something else out to do. What about Thursday evening?”
“That sounds perfect,” I tell him as we both sit down beside each other. “Thank you for being so understanding and flexible.”
Noah smiles his perfect smile. “Of course, Olivia. Unexpected things come up all the time. That’s the nature of life and I’m not going to be mad at you for it. Rescheduling is perfectly fine, as long as you still actually want to hang out.”
The way he says the last few words has me filled with guilt again. “Of course, I want to hang out with you.”
“Okay, good.” He smiles, accepting my response. It’s as if he believes anything I tell him without any hesitation or question. Not that he has any reason to think any differently of what I tell him, but it’s just so unusual. There aren’t many people like him. And that makes me want to keep him around even more.
People like Noah are hard to find. Ones who are genuine, not a single mean bone in their body. He’s nice and I like him, but I’m not sure of my real feelings for him. He’s attractive and literally the perfect person. I should be interested in him and I’m beginning to wonder if he might be interested in me, just with the way he made that last little comment.
He clearly wants to hang out with me and I feel bad for not choosing him.
Although, when it comes to Sterling, I’m not sure I would ever be able to fully choose someone over him. That’s just the nature of the beast… of your first love and the hold they have on you.
It’s just before six o’clock that I’m walking out of my building to wait for Sterling. He said he would be here, but I’m surprised when I see his deep blue car already sitting along the curb. The engine purrs and I wrap my coat tighter around my body as I walk over to where he’s parked. I didn’t see him at first, but I find him leaning against his car with his hands in the pockets of his coat.
His gaze lifts to mine and the corners of his lips tilt upwards as he pushes away from the passenger-side door. He’s wearing jeans with black Vans. I’m not sure that I’ve seen him wear anything other than sweatpants or his suit that he has to wear to games. His gray hood hangs out over his black peacoat.
As I stop in front of him, I tilt my head back, his brown eyes shining back at me. His dark hair is a tousled mess, brushed away from his face. “Hey,” I breathe, shifting my weight nervously in front of him. He wants to show me around town, but that doesn’t mean anything.
Don’t make it into something it’s not, Olivia.
“Hey,” Sterling repeats the word, sounding just as breathless. His cheeks are tinted with a pink hue, from the cold air that whips around us. “You ready to go?”
Yep,” I respond as he turns around to open the car door for me. It’s a small gesture, but it sends a warmth through me like I haven’t felt in a long time. Sterling is usually cold, but I like this side of him. It’s the version of Sterling I grew quite fond of when we were younger. It’s the version I never see anymore. “Where are we going?”
Sterling shrugs with a smirk playing on his lips. I can’t fight the grin that consumes my face as he slams the door shut. My eyes are on him, watching him walk around the front of the car before he comes to his side. It isn’t often that Sterling smiles at anyone, unless it involves hockey.
I’ve missed this side of him more than words could ever describe.
He climbs into the driver’s seat and I’m still watching him. His gaze collides with mine, lingering for a moment with something unreadable passing through his irises. His throat bobs as he swallows roughly, his eyes still shining brightly. Without a single word, he leans across the center console, the smell of him invading my senses.
He smells like the deep woods, the faint hints of cedar and pine, mixed with something sweet. Instinctively, I inhale deeply and my eyelids flutter shut. He’s so close—too close, really—and I can’t think straight. I don’t know what he’s doing until I hear the sound of a click.
Glancing down, I see that he was putting my seat belt on for me. Embarrassment instantly floods me, the heat creeping up my neck before spreading across my cheeks. As I lift my gaze back up, I see that he’s still leaning over the center console. His face is just inches away from mine.
“Safety first, right?” There’s a softness in his voice and I swear to God, I could melt.
My lips part slightly, a ragged breath slipping from my lips. His eyes drop down to my mouth and I watch as his tongue darts out, wetting his own lips. It’s like a scene straight out of a movie. Sterling invading my space in his car. His gaze is glued to my mouth as he begins to lean closer.
Oh my god, he’s going to kiss me.
He moves his hand from the buckle to the belt, pulling it a little tighter before he sits up straighter, moving away from me. His eyes meet mine in a rush, a fire burning deep within his irises as the corners of his lips lift slightly.
“We should get going before it gets late.”
I’m a flustered mess, my face bright red as I tear my gaze away from his. He sits deeper in his seat, his hand finding the steering wheel as the other shifts the car into drive. And just like that, we’re pulling away from the campus like that moment never happened.
And maybe to him it didn’t.
