Three weeks later
I texted Kenzie during my stay in Sacramento. The more I thought about how I ran after Allan without giving her an explanation, the worse I felt about it. She deserved to know what was going on.
I couldn’t talk to her if she didn’t respond. Fine, she could be mad. I’m sure I deserved it. Hell, she could have been out of minutes. If that were the case, I would have to wait until she loaded up her phone.
I hung around Sacramento for a few weeks, rented one of those hotel rooms that came with a real kitchen. I visited Allan every day until they found a place for him in one of their programs. I could only see him on weekends at that point. But I was there, and I took the baseball with me.
“You don’t have to come down and see me every week,” Allan said when I walked in for this week’s visit.
“Come down? You think I’m driving in? I’ve rented a place in case you need me nearby.”
“What the fuck, Tate? You have a life. What does Kenzie think about all of that?”
I shrugged. “I have no idea what she thinks. I haven’t spoken to her.”
“Did you have a fight? Did you break up? What happened?” Allan asked, his voice laced with worry.
“We had a disagreement. And I think she’s mad at me. She won’t return any of my text messages.”
“No, Tate. No. I can’t be the reason you two break up. You have to go back to her.”
“You need me around,” I responded.
“Yeah, and you need her. Look, man, you got me to the right people. And I will never, ever forget that. I might even come back to Flat Rock and see if that’s where I want to settle down. So, you’re stuck with me. But I’m where I need to be right now. And if I need you or that baseball, I know how to call. You don’t have to, you shouldn’t be waiting around for me. You’ve got a life you need to be living too.”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?” I chuckled.
Truth was, I felt the need to be close by to make sure Allan was getting what he needed. My first night in the hotel, I had that black, sucking void of a dream. It felt like maybe I should stick around in case I needed to be there as well.
“You promise you’ll let me know if you need anything?”
“Pinky promise, Major. Just don’t forget about me while I’m here.”
“I’ll come back and see you in a month.’
Allan had kicked me out. It was probably best. He needed to find his way back on his own from wherever it was he had gone inside his brain. I packed up the few belongings I had purchased while in Sacramento and checked out of the hotel.
The drive back to Flat Rock felt much longer than the drive down to Sacramento. I’m sure caffeine-fueled anxiety versus bone-tired exhaustion played a big part in that. I drove straight to the house. I hadn’t been home since the evening I ran after Allan.
I braced for what kind of damage I was sure to encounter. The front wasn’t locked, but it was closed. The front door pushed aside a pile of junk mail and bills the postal delivery person had put through the slot on the door. I expected the house to look like it had been ransacked and the TV stolen. Nothing was out of place. The same dirty dishes were by the sink.
That meant the same food was still in the refrigerator. It would be old and ready to go into the garbage, but it shouldn’t be too nasty to deal with. I switched off the lights that had been left on before climbing the stairs to bed. I could clean up in the morning.
The house felt empty without Allan. When he had first shown up, I resented his interruption into my peace. But clearly, he had needed to be here, and maybe I needed him around as well. I spent the morning clearing out his room, washing and storing the clothes he left, setting aside his meds. I even put clean sheets on the bed. If he came back and wanted to stay, there was a place for him.
I didn’t feel like playing is-this-still-good roulette with any of the food. I tossed the contents of the fridge, everything, into a thick black garbage bag and took it out to the garbage cans around back. Allan’s car was parked next to the garbage. I checked, and the door was unlocked and the keys had been left tucked into the visor. Not ideal, but that woman from the gas station had done me a huge favor. I wasn’t going to complain since the car was here and was clearly left alone.
After taking care of all the things that had been neglected during my absence, I cleaned myself up. It was time to face Kenzie. I owed her one hell of an apology. I drove down to the Burger Jeff. I’d learned never to make assumptions when it came to Kenzie. Just because her car wasn’t in the lot, didn’t mean she wasn’t inside. She walked to work frequently, even if the weather was against her, simply because she didn’t have much of a choice. Hopefully, I timed my visit properly to coincide with the end of her shift.
Being able to drive her home would give us some privacy. I would apologize to her in front of the world. I would gladly kiss her in front of the world, but she wasn’t one for big public displays. At least not that I could figure out just yet.
“Haven’t seen you in here for a while,” the lady with the long braids said with a smile. “Kenzie leaves and takes all the interesting customers.”
“Excuse me? What did you say about Kenzie leaving? I haven’t been in town and, well, you know how she is about her precious phone minutes.”
“Oh, I know. Did you know that all this time, she didn’t know she could get a phone from the state? Poor kid. I’m not gossiping because you know her and know what I’m talking about.”
I just nodded. I had no idea the state would provide free phones. I was aware of a program where vets could get one, but since I didn’t need a phone I hadn’t bothered.
“When did she leave?” I asked.
“Two, maybe three weeks ago. Time just blurs together when I’m working. You know what I’m saying?”
I laughed. “I’ve been on many shifts like that. What is time when it all blurs together?”
“That’s what I’m saying. Can I get you anything, or were you just looking for Kenzie?” she asked.
I had been looking for Kenzie. “I’m here, might as well get a double-bacon cheese, large fries, and a Coke. To go.”
I scanned the empty dining area, checking to see if Mac was there. Would he know where Kenzie had gone off to? Should I tell him how close he had come to being a statistic? I had no interest in talking to the man, even if it was for my benefit. He wasn’t there.
“Here you go.” She held out my to-go bag and cup.
“You don’t know where Kenzie is working now, do you?”
“She hasn’t told me. I know she wanted something at that bridal shop. Girl needs to learn that they have already decided what she can do for them. They won’t ever give her another job, not while she does something they don’t want to do themselves.”
I nodded. There was truth in her words. “Thanks,” I said as I walked out.
“You are allowed to come back and say hi, even if Kenzie isn’t here,” she teased.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” I laughed as I walked out to the truck.
I climbed in the truck and pulled the fries out of the bag. Would Kenzie be mad if I showed up at her apartment? What if I started going into every fast-food place in town and asking about her?
Fuck, I was just like Mac, hounding her for a tidbit of attention. I pulled out my phone and texted her again.
I owe you an apology. Can I come by tomorrow? Just tell me what time.
I stared at the message and ate more fries. Maybe this time, she would reply?
After the fries were gone and Kenzie hadn’t responded, I put the truck in gear and drove home. I should have gotten Ruby a phone when I promised. She would have texted me back.
The night was long, and even after filling it with a few action movies, I was still alone when I went to bed. Kenzie had only been in that bed once, but I could remember every detail of that time. Especially when I was just holding her. She was soft and comfortable and made the world bearable.
It took time to fall asleep, and when I had, I wished I had forced myself to stay awake. There was so much trauma everywhere. And the cries, I couldn’t block the cries. And then the black. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t claw my way out of the void. The black stuck to my skin like I was being shrink-wrapped in it and I couldn’t get it off.
I thrashed awake. In my nightmare, I had shredded the sheets and the pillows. My bedroom looked like it had been ripped apart by a beast. I looked down at my hands. Crescent moons of blood were under my nails. My chest burned. That’s when I noticed the scratch marks. I had raked deep welts into my skin during my nightmare.
Fuck. What if that had been Kenzie? I could have hurt her, really hurt her had she been in bed with me. Maybe her not texting me back was a good thing. She was safer away from me if I was going to be the kind of guy who did this in my sleep.
