Even though I usually sleep like a rock when I’m near Chase, I don’t sleep well. I keep waking up every hour to check the clock, my brain counting down to the confetti toss.
Finally, at six thirty, I hear movement downstairs, so I go to the kitchen, where I find Phillip making coffee.
“Hey, Dani,” he says, pouring me a cup and placing it in front of me. “You here for the birthday throwdown?”
“Yeah. Sorry we missed midnight.”
“So, you and Chase are friends again, huh?”
I smile. Nod. “I hope so.”
“A morning throwdown will be just fine then. Chase isn’t the only one who has missed you.”
I suck in a breath. “What do you mean? I’m still always around.”
“Yeah, but it’s been different, having that tension, I guess. And just so you know, you’re not the only one who has had to navigate staying best friends while dating other people. It’s tricky at best. And can be downright heartbreaking at its worst.”
“Was it hard for you when Jadyn dated other people?”
“Well, I certainly wasn’t a big fan of any of her boyfriends. Obviously, I was jealous, but at the time, I don’t think I realized it. We never explored our feelings at a younger age, like you and Chase, so I can’t at all judge you for how you reacted. Or for the aftermath.”
“It’s been difficult for me. Like, I’m here, but I don’t quite fit the space anymore. And knowing I caused it all, let’s just say, I have plenty of guilt.”
“Chase loves you, Dani, and I’m not referring to the romantic kind right now.”
“I know. I love him, too.” I notice a large black leather binder on the island. “What’s that?”
“Chase’s modeling portfolio. The agency added some photos from more recent shoots.”
“Will he be able to keep modeling if he plays football in college? Aren’t there eligibility rules about earning money?” I ask, but I’m just making conversation while I’m drooling over Chase’s photos.
“There are. But Chase signed with the agency a few years ago, and as long as they don’t mention his involvement in college sports in any ad, it’s okay. And since it’s a freelance situation, meaning he can work when it fits into his schedule, it’s one of the few jobs that he can do right now.”
I flip from one picture to the next. The photos seem to go in chronological order. The first shots are from his past work for classic, preppy American brands. Newer ones showcase athletic gear. He looks handsome, of course. Sure, his hair is perfectly, artfully pushed back and probably has a lot of product in it, but his grin is what makes him so attractive. He looks genuinely happy, like the hot boy next door who doesn’t have a care in the world.
But as I keep flipping through the pages, I start to see a different Chase.
One who looks a little more guarded. A little more worldly.
His jaw has gotten more chiseled as he’s aged, but there’s a tightness that wasn’t there before.
While part of me knows it makes him look even more handsome and grown-up—especially the photo where his hair is slicked back and he’s wearing a slim-fit European suit—I can’t help but wonder about the change.
His dad is still talking, going on about Chase’s passing coach.
“He’s already a good passer,” I mumble out, trying to keep up, when the realization hits me. I check the date on the photo.
After we ended.
The reason Chase looks guarded and worldly is because I made him that way. When I broke his heart.
“He wants to keep getting better,” Phillip says.
I flip to a photo of Chase, shirtless, on a beach somewhere, low-slung board shorts on his tall frame.
And then him in nothing but a pair of jeans.
“He’s shirtless in a lot of these,” I say.
“He used to not be comfortable with being shirtless, but when I offered to take his place, they turned me down,” his dad says with a laugh. “Something about being too old.”
I laugh along with him.
I do think Chase and I are going to be friends again.
And I’m okay with that.
Especially if we’re going to be the kind of friends who kiss.
“He’s grown up a lot. Hard to believe he’s eighteen today. My son is officially a man.”
I’ll say he is, I think, remembering how Chase held me last night, how amazing he made me feel. How I felt the same intense emotion as I did that summer, but how it was even better physically. I fully agree with Chase’s dad. The boy I know and love has definitely become a man.
“So, how’s college life?” Phillip says, changing the subject even though I’d just as soon scroll through this book a few thousand more times. “You’re away from home. No parents telling you what to do.”
I shrug. “It’s different. A lot of people around all the time, but it can be lonely in a way.”
“Do you like your sorority?”
“I actually really do.”
Jadyn strolls into the room, wrapped tightly in a robe. “And what about all the owl stuff I sent you?”
“You and Mom both totally spoiled me. It’s practically a new theme in my room.”
Jadyn walks past me and grabs a folder off the counter. “This is what we’re showering Chase with today. One hundred and eighty photos. And I hope it’s not awkward, but it was hard to find a photo of him through the years that you weren’t in,” she says, dropping the folder in front of me.
“I’m not in this one,” I tease, flashing her a photo of her and my mom, both pregnant, holding a sign that says, Future BFFs.
Phillip chuckles as he pours Jadyn a cup of coffee and hands it to her. She sits at the bar next to me.
“It came true,” Jadyn says. “Even though you stopped being as close as you once were, you’ve never missed a birthday toss. Ever.”
“I couldn’t miss that.”
“What did you bring this year?”
I run and grab my bag from the dining room, take it to the kitchen, and show them.
“Oh, good choices,” Phillip says.
“And how’s college life?” Jadyn asks the same question Phillip asked me earlier.
I don’t get to answer her because he goes, “Maybe I’d watched too many raunchy movies, but I expected college to be a nonstop party.”
“I didn’t think you were a partier?” I say.
“I just mean that my reality wasn’t exactly what I had envisioned—especially being in a frat. My point is that, at first, college didn’t live up to my expectations. It was a big transition for me, I guess. To Jadyn and your dad, it was all one big adventure while I was still trying to figure out what kind of adventure I wanted to go on. If that makes sense.”
“Actually, it does. I feel like that, too. If it wasn’t for my roommate, no one would ever know if I went missing. And that’s a weird thing.”
“All that freedom,” Phillip says, “is a little overwhelming. My mother told me that it was a part of growing up. I rolled my eyes at her back then, but now, I get what she was saying. Because for the first time ever, I had no one to answer to but me. No one to check in with. No real curfew.”
“And when you’re not sure what you want to do or be, that can be a challenge,” Jadyn adds.
“So, what’s your advice then?” I ask Phillip.
“My advice is that you have four years to figure it out,” he says.
“Wow. That’s almost profound.”
He grins at me. “I don’t know about that, but it’s true. And I swear, your first semester will fly by, and you’ll be back home for Christmas before you know it. So, enjoy it. Let life unfold.” He stops and grins at his wife. “Clearly, we’ve been married too long. I’m starting to sound like you.”
“Maybe you should tell her to try to control the unfolding. That sounds more like the Phillip I know,” Jadyn says with a hearty laugh, poking fun at him.
“Hmm,” I say. “Maybe it should be considered a thoughtful unfolding. Being aware but not totally planning everything.”
“I like that,” Jadyn says.
“Either way, it’s good to have you here, Dani,” Phillip says. “It really is.”
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
“So, you want to do the honors this year,” Jadyn asks, “and go wake up all the kids?”
“Are you kidding me?! Of course I do. It’s like Christmas morning.”
Two minutes of torture.
Chase
After the early morning confetti toss and a birthday breakfast, Dani, Damon, and I head over to their house to work out. Dani goes up to change, so it’s just Damon and me down here right now.
“I heard about you and Lacey getting interrupted before the game,” he says as he loads weights onto the barbell.
I nod and then pull off my shirt.
“Damn,” Damon says. “I guess, not soon enough?”
“What do you mean?” I ask him, wondering what he’s referring to.
Obviously, he and Haley were gossiping about how Ryder had walked in on us.
“Dude”—he chuckles—“look at your chest.”
I glance down and notice the love bites—ones that are in the exact shape of Dani’s mouth. I quickly pull my shirt back on.
“Also heard sis got in trouble for being out with you last night. Those had better not be from her.”
I laugh easily because the thought of Dani anywhere near me again still seems laughable.
“Your sister hates me,” I say.
“While it’s true that she used to, it doesn’t seem like it anymore.” He pauses and then goes, “Speaking of that.”
I follow his eyes to see Dani coming into the workout room, wearing a pair of spandex shorts that must have been created by God himself—her ass filling them to perfection. The boobs I had my lips all over last night are pushed up tightly in a sports bra.
The girl is practically naked, and I fight the urge to cover her with a towel. She gets on one of the elliptical machines, like she always does, for two minutes of torture—for me, not her. She barely breaks a sweat.
After she’s warmed up, she likes to stretch. I watch that, too. Her hair is still in a braid, and I spot a tiny hickey and pray her brother doesn’t notice. I look closer and see another one, mostly hidden by makeup, just under her right ear. The spot my lips stayed at for what felt like an eternity.
When she turns around and touches her toes, I get a showcased view of her incredible ass.
I feel myself start to get hard. Shit.
Damon turns to me and goes, “Dude,” then looks at his sister. “That’s just wrong.”
I punch him in the shoulder. “I wasn’t thinking about her,” I whisper. “You brought up all the hickeys, which made me think about last night.”
When Damon turns his attention to a rack of kettlebells, I catch Dani’s eye. She gives me the kind of sexy grin that makes me want to push her brother—who wants details—out of the way and pounce on her.
Her grin makes me harder.
Shit. I cannot have a boner when her dad comes down.
There we go. The thought of Danny seeing me lust after his daughter has me calming down. He’d probably punch me.
Down, boy, I think, speaking to my dick.
“So, tell me more about what happened with Lacey,” Damon says.
“She forgot to lock the door when she got there. Ryder walked in on us. She was shirtless. So, he saw some boobs.”
“Probably the thrill of his life so far,” Damon says with a chuckle. “Boobs were all I thought about when I was his age. Hell,” he says with a grin as he does a set of curls, “I’m still into them.”
“It seems to be the first thing you notice about a girl,” I say with a laugh, knowing it’s totally true.
Damon sets the weight down and whispers to me, “Tonight, we’re going out. To the you know where in the you know what.”
“You don’t have to pretend in front of me,” Dani says. She’s obviously overheard everything her brother said. “It’s not like I don’t see the pictures.”
“You’re part of my private group on social media?” he asks her, looking horrified.
It makes me wonder exactly what kind of photos he’s been posting. I’ll be honest; I’m not on social media much. Really, the only person’s profile that I creep on is the girl who is now doing yoga moves in front of me.
“So, you in?” Damon asks me.
“Nah, I don’t think so. It’s going to be a busy day, and I’ll probably be tired.”
He looks from me to his sister and frowns. “Sure you will.”
Adding to the devastation.
Devaney
Damon finished working out and then went upstairs to shower and get ready for the rest of the day’s festivities.
“Do you have plans for today?” Chase asks me. He’s sweaty, and there’s a towel wrapped around his neck.
I strut over to him, taking the ends of the towel in my hands and pulling him toward me. “Only ones that involve you. I came home for your birthday, Chase.”
“But why?”
“I’ve never missed your confetti toss. I wasn’t going to start now,” I say but realize that might not be what he’s referring to. “I meant to talk to you about this when I got here, but then—”
“We had pizza,” he says with a smirk.
“Yes, we did. Anyway, I want to apologize for basically blowing you off since Bid Day. It’s been so busy, and everything is new. It’s overwhelming. I thought I knew the campus fairly well from going to games, but I didn’t have a clue really where the classrooms were. Add to that, trying to figure out where to eat anything slightly healthy. Dealing with a new roommate. A new sorority. I have been so busy every second of every day. The sorority was actually kind of pissed I was coming home this weekend, but I didn’t care. I needed to be here. I wanted to see you. I’ve wanted it since we talked.”
“I’ve wanted it, too,” he says.
“You could have messaged me, you know.”
“I could have,” he says, hanging his head, “but I didn’t. I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you would reach out. And it would have been hard for me if I had messaged you and you didn’t reply.”
“That’s part of why I haven’t. If I’m going to talk to you, Chase, I want it to mean something. And random texts couldn’t say what I was feeling. But trust me, I think about calling you every single night.”
He nods, but I can see the hurt in his eyes.
“I realize now that surprising you for your birthday might not have been that smart. I’m assuming there’s a party and that you have plans with Lacey today.” Something I didn’t think about when I jumped in my car with my sack of things and drove off.
He gives me a grin. “I am having a little celebration”—he glances at his watch—“and we’re leaving in about thirty minutes.”
“What kind of celebration?”
“Golf, followed by dinner at the club.”
“With all your friends?” Somehow, I just can’t picture that.
“Nah. I just wanted something low-key. I get more than enough time with my friends between football and school. With the little kids, we don’t get a lot of one-on-one time with our parents, so I thought it would be fun if it was just my mom and dad, your dad and Jennifer, me, Haley, and Damon. Really, it’s perfect that you’re here because you’ll round out our foursome.”
“Lacey isn’t joining you?”
“She has a cheer competition and is out of town all day.”
“Bet she wasn’t too happy about that,” I say even though I. Am. Thrilled.
“She wasn’t, but it helped that I wasn’t having a party or anything. So, will you join us?”
I kiss him in reply.
He leans back and grins at me. “I take it, that’s a yes?”
“It is. But I have to run upstairs and get ready. See you in a few, birthday boy.”
I shower off, thankful for the braid last night, and brush out my waves. I throw on a little makeup, put on a golf skirt and polo, pack a dress to change into for dinner, and grab my golf shoes.
I’m over at the Mackenzie house with five minutes to spare.
When I get there, I find my dad and Phillip sitting at the kitchen table, chatting, and see that Chase is just coming down the stairs.
And it’s like he dressed just to torture me, wearing full-on black. Black golf polo and black shorts. The only color on him is from the neon green on the golf shoes in his hand and the logo on his polo.
I’m transported back to that summer.
Damon and Chase came in through the deck doors. Both were dressed up. My brother had his bangs flipped over to the side, and he looked cute, wearing a white button-down and a pair of khaki shorts with loafers. Chase, on the other hand, did not look cute. He looked scorchingly hot.
His long bangs were pushed up in the kind of artful mess of hair that made a girl want to run her hands through it.
His tall frame was encased in a black T-shirt that hung in a way that only high-quality cotton could. Black shorts covered the important parts with a black belt and black shoes finishing the look.
I had never, ever, ever—wait, maybe once at Halloween when he was nine and decided to dress like a vampire—seen Chase in all black.
And it was devastating.
He didn’t look like my best friend anymore. He looked—dare I say—a little bit bad. Like he’d gotten an edge.
And my goodness, was it working.
And it’s still working. Possibly even more so now. Because Chase is taller, broader, and older. And I think that he hasn’t shaved because there’s just a light scruff on his face that is only adding to the devastation in my heart.
I literally might pass out.
“Chase,” my dad says as he approaches the table, “your father and I want you to come downstairs with us.”
I look at them.
“You can come, too, Dani,” Phillip says.
My dad and Phillip go down the stairs first, and as we follow, Chase touches the small of my back and whispers, “You look cute.”
I blush and tell him, “Thank you.”
We’re led toward the bar, specifically to a humidor made of shiny burled wood that has sat in that same spot for as long as I can remember.
“We thought it would be fun to share a cigar on the course today,” my dad says, cuffing Chase on the shoulder, and I can see the love and respect they share.
“Since you’re legal and all,” Chase’s dad adds, tossing Chase a key. He tosses it like it’s no big deal, but I can tell, it totally is.
I want to ask if I can have one, too, since I’ve been legal for a while, but I get the impression this is sort of a rite of passage that they want to share with him. Celebrating his transition into manhood or something, so I keep my mouth shut and just watch. Our dads are beaming with pride as Chase puts the key in the lock and opens the box.
I’ve never seen inside of it, and Chase must not have either because he reads aloud the engraving on the gold plaque inside, “Phillip and Jadyn. Our love is worth celebrating. January the 13th.”
“A little background before you choose a cigar,” his dad says. “This humidor was your mother’s gift to me on our wedding day. I think you’ve heard stories, and you know that your mom’s parents, Danny’s parents, and my parents were all good friends. They did a lot of the things we do today to celebrate life—eating meals together, having a few beers, and talking. And Jadyn’s dad used to say he was celebrating something when he smoked cigars, mostly so his wife wouldn’t complain about the smoke.”
“What they taught us,” my dad says to Chase, “is what your mom had inscribed. That love and life are worth celebrating. Even everyday life.”
“And it’s what we’ve been trying to teach you kids,” Phillip says, “and what we hope you teach yours. It’s not about the possessions; it’s about the people you love. Your family, your friends, the people who make your life a little brighter. Because just being with them is reason to celebrate.”
I was getting choked up, just watching their exchange, but when Phillip says that, the tears I’ve been holding back fall from my eyes, and I realize that although they’ve definitely led by example, I’ve been doing life all wrong for a while now. I’ve been focusing more on impressing the people I don’t care about rather than the people I do.
Chase nods solemnly in understanding and is rewarded with hugs from them both. When Chase turns toward me, his face is filled with emotion. He reaches his hand out to me and says, “I think one of those people needs to help me choose my birthday cigar.”
As I take Chase’s hand, our eyes lock, and I can picture this very scene someday in the future—him and Damon passing on the tradition to one of our children.
“How am I supposed to choose?” I finally say.
“I’d suggest a lighter-colored cigar,” my dad replies. “They tend to be milder.”
I point out a few, and Chase picks one up and sets it on the counter.
His dad says, “Grab four. One for you, Dani, Jennifer, and your mom.”
“Mom is going to smoke a cigar?” Chase says with a laugh.
“You really think she’s going to miss out on a moment like this?” my dad replies.
“Oh, probably not. But what about you two?”
His dad smiles and then lifts up the shelf, revealing another layer of cigars. “Your mom had this box filled when we got married. Danny and I have celebrated quite a bit since then, but these are some of the originals, and we only smoke them on very special occasions.”
“What kind of occasions?” Chase asks.
“The births of our children,” my dad says.
“Three championship wins,” his dad says. “Angel’s passing, to celebrate her life.”
“The day Phillip sold his company,” my dad adds.
“And the night Danny married Jennifer,” his dad says. “And today, as our oldest son turns eighteen.”
My dad looks at me and throws his arm around my neck. “I just realized that isn’t very fair, is it?”
“It is a little sexist,” I reply.
“I agree,” Phillip says. “If it’s okay, Dani, we’ll celebrate your adulthood and your going to college as we celebrate Chase’s birthday. And when it’s Damon’s and Haley’s turns, I hope you will both be here to pass on the torch.”
Emotions well up in me again. “I’d love that.”
On the way to the country club, Jennifer is giving us instructions on how to properly smoke a cigar, so we don’t get sick. Who knew she was such an expert?
“So, you’re going to suck in air gently, which will fill your mouth with the cigar’s smoke. What you don’t want to do is fully inhale. You don’t want it going down into your lungs. You want to relish the flavor and aroma of the smoke for a second and then blow it out.”
“When did you learn how to smoke a cigar?” I ask her curiously. “Did my dad teach you?”
“I’m afraid not.” She starts laughing. “Maybe once you turn twenty-one, I can tell you about the night Knox Daniels and Riley Johnson took me to Vegas.”
“Epic story?” Chase asks.
“You could say that.” She laughs again.
At the country club, Damon is complaining about the whole thing.
“Are you telling me I can’t have one?” he whines.
“Yes. It’s a rite of passage,” my dad says firmly. “We’ll do it for your eighteenth birthday, too. Let Chase enjoy this.”
I can tell Damon isn’t happy about it, but at least he stops putting up a fuss.
While I was hoping to be Chase’s partner, we do a scramble instead of keeping score the usual way, and we are constantly switching up partners, which makes our time on the course really fun.
It’s good to spend time with our families like this again. Feeling fully a part of it all.
And I realize that it’s not just my relationship with Chase that has suffered because of our breakup, but also my relationship with everyone. I’ve distanced myself from them emotionally, even when I was physically present. And as I slowly suck in smoke from my first cigar, I realize that needs to stop.
Today.
Birthday boy.
Chase
Golf was fun.
Seeing Dani prance around in a sexy little golf skirt, smoking a cigar, made it practically epic.
And although I don’t know what our future holds romantically, knowing that we can be friends regardless makes me feel like my life is back in balance. Brighter. Sweeter. Happier.
After changing clothes in the locker room, I head toward the bar’s big stone patio, where we’re all meeting back up for appetizers before dinner.
Screeches of laughter catch my attention, causing me to turn in its direction.
I see my mom and Danny laughing hysterically over something Damon just did or said. I think about how close they are. How close they have been since they were kids. I know that Danny took my mom to prom, and I know that they kissed—and probably more. It’s weird to think of your parents having lives before you knew them, but in this case, it’s reassuring. If they managed to cross friendship lines at some point and still be friends today, there’s got to be hope for Dani and me.
I’m standing there, watching their interaction, when I’m pinched on the back of my arm. I turn around to find Haley. She’s pinched me numerous times today.
“I still owe you seven more,” she says with a grin as she quickly pinches me again. “Make that six.” She tosses her arm around my neck. “Happy birthday.”
“Thank you.”
“Golf was fun,” she says.
“Yeah, it really was. We used to do stuff like this all the time, but we haven’t as much since the babies were born.”
“And it was fun, having Dani with us.”
“It really was. Felt like old times.”
“Don’t screw that up, birthday boy, because here she comes,” she says as she walks away.
And boy, does Dani ever make an entrance.
Her hair glistens in the sun as she walks down the path toward me, wearing a long, flowing skirt that hits about mid-calf in a deep rose-colored silk with a matching midriff top. Strappy heels on her feet make her closer to my height, and gold chains of varying lengths encircle her neck.
She pretty much always takes my breath away, but this is different. Because, for the first time in a long time, she’s walking toward me, and I can’t help but walk toward her, my arms outstretched.
“Birthday boy.” She says the same words my sister just said to me but in a totally different context. The words roll off her tongue in a sexy tone as she steps into my arms and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “You’ve always cleaned up good.”
I’m wearing club attire—navy dress slacks, blue-striped spread collar, and a rose-navy-and-emerald-green tie.
“Your dress matches my tie,” I say, a grin on my face. “You plan that?”
“Just a lucky coincidence, it would appear,” she says, tugging on it and pulling me closer to her. “Is it okay if I kiss you—like, really kiss you? Right here?”
I don’t bother replying. I’d much rather show her the answer.
And I do, by sweeping my arms around her, pressing my lips against hers, and then deepening our kiss with my tongue.
Always had a crush.
Chase
After we have cake and I open presents, Dani goes home to change. She’s supposed to come back over to hang out later.
“Chase, I know it’s your birthday,” my mom says, “but since we’re in a little lull in the celebration, we need to talk about last night.”
She knows. How does Mom always know what happens?
She leads me into her office over the garage. I look down at the rug and realize that it looks familiar.
“Is this new?”
“Isn’t it great? I loved the ones I installed at Tripp’s lake house so much that I finally got one for myself.”
And then I remember why it looks familiar. One just like this was on the floor of the honeymoon cottage Dani and I went to when we got caught in the rain. It was our first time, and I can picture her lying on the rug in front of the fireplace, looking up at me.
“So—” Mom says.
And since I know exactly what she’s going to say, I start talking. Because I need to talk to someone about this.
Once I tell her most of what happened last night, I add, “But, Mom, please, you can’t tell her dad. He’d kill me. I’ve heard the way he talks about boys she dates, and if he knew what happened on his brand-new pontoon boat, he’d literally kill me.”
Mom’s eyes are searching mine, looking confused. She blinks a few times, lets out an exhale, and then slowly says, “I actually brought you up here so we could talk about what happened when Ryder walked in on you and Lacey before the game. He’s been telling all his friends about the boobs he saw. I had to have a chat with him about respecting boundaries.”
Oh shit. She didn’t know. “Um,” I say, nervously rubbing my eyebrow.
“But it appears you have something else on your mind. Are you telling me that you and Dani slept together on the pontoon boat last night?”
“Yes. And I still don’t know why. Well”—I chuckle—“I mean, I know why. I just don’t know what it means.”
“Chase, we’ve talked about this. You shouldn’t be having sex with a girl unless you care about her. And with Dani of all people?”
“Mom.” I give her my pathetic eyes. She’s a sucker for them. “It’s not that way. At least, it isn’t for me. At all. It never has been.”
“You’ve always had a crush on her, huh?”
“I have, but it’s more than that. We haven’t been close, you know, since everything. And she brought me pizza after the game, like when we had been friends. We went to the hot tub because it was nice out, but then people showed up, so we snuck out on the pontoon. She wanted to keep talking to me. And we haven’t talked or anything since that summer.”
“You were always best friends. I sort of assumed that maybe someday you would have sex. It wasn’t the first time, was it? I never really believed the whole story surrounding the Great Ozarks Robe Fire.”
“It wasn’t.” I bury my face in my hands. I can’t believe I’m talking to my mom about this. But I need to talk to someone about it. “It happened the day it stormed. We almost got hit by lightning on our run. We were close to that honeymoon cottage at the back of the property. That’s not why we went there. We were seeking shelter. But that’s where it happened. It was both our first times. We were in love, for sure. We were going to tell everyone when we got back home that we had decided to date. I was even going to talk to her dad about it first. We planned to be in an official relationship by Homecoming, but then Hunter asked her on that first day of practice. And it’s been a mess ever since.”
“Until last night?”
“Yeah. We talked. Decided to be friends again. I didn’t expect for it to happen. It just did. And it was—”
“Incredible?” Mom says.
I let out another sigh and nod. “I’m totally in love with her, and I have no idea what to do about it.”
“And what about Lacey?”
“We’re not in a committed relationship. I’ve been adamant about that. I tell her it’s because I have to keep my focus on football, but really—”
“It’s because she’s not Dani.”
“Basically, yes.”
“Oh boy.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Hey,” my dad says, interrupting us by knocking on the door as he steps into the office.
“I’m glad you’re here, Phillip,” Mom says to him. “I know I said that I wanted to wait, but now, after talking to Chase, I think we should.”
“Okay,” he says, moving toward her and squeezing her hand tightly.
She gets up, takes a box off one of her shelves, and then sets it in front of me. She pulls out what appears to be a journal of some kind. The cover is a rugged leather, but it’s tied shut with pastel ribbons. She undoes the ribbons, and as she’s flipping through the pages, I can see that there are a wide array of papers inside. Almost like scraps, but they coordinate in the sort of bohemian fashion my mother loves.
“Your dad bought me this journal when I was pregnant with you. I love all my children equally, Chase, but this day—your birthday—is special for other reasons. I know we’ve talked about them before. I know I’ve told you that you were meant for greatness your whole life.
“I have been saving this journal for you. I wanted to give it to you when you were expecting your first baby, but today, on your eighteenth birthday, I’d like you to read the last few pages. Because unlike the rest of the book, they aren’t just about my pregnancy struggles; they showcase the way your dad and I have felt about you since the day you were born.
“I want to read you a passage and then let you read the ones that your dad and I wrote,” she says, her eyes filling with tears, “when you have a few moments alone. And know that if you aren’t ready to read them, that’s okay, too. But I want you to have them now.”
She pulls a few pieces out of the journal by untying the ribbons, carefully ties them back up, puts the book away, and then reads to me.
“Phillip gave me this journal, so I could write to the baby, but that isn’t really what I’ve done. The journal is written more for me than for him.
I wrote some things that probably aren’t appropriate.
I wrote some things that are probably stupid.
I wrote some things that are probably silly.
But this journal represents my real journey. It’s not a sugarcoated fluff piece.
And someday, I’ll tell him that nothing in this journal prepared me for the way I feel right now.
Nothing.
No childbirth class.
No books read.
Nothing could have prepared me because there is nothing in the world that compares to the feeling of holding your baby for the first time.”
She smiles at me and says, “After I wrote that, I decided I’d save it for when you were expecting your own child. Because I wanted you to know that, sometimes, life doesn’t always go the way you planned it. And sometimes, tragedy can strike when you least expect it. But sometimes, it can be even more incredible than you ever imagined. You, Chase Michael Mackenzie, are more incredible than I ever imagined. And I am so incredibly proud of you. And just for the record, it has nothing to do with your ability to throw a football or look pretty in front of a camera. I’m proud of you because you are a good person. But—”
“But?” I say in astonishment.
“It’s obvious that there’s someone in your heart who—”
“Are you talking about Dani?”
“Yes,” my mom says.
“I don’t understand.”
“I think what your mother is trying to say, son,” Dad says, “is, not to let your head get in the way of your heart, or you just might miss out on something more incredible than you ever imagined.”
I nod my head like I get it even though I don’t. I know Dani and I would be incredible together. I just don’t know how to get from where we were, to where we are now, to the future that we used to both dream about.
But I appreciate the sentiment.
Eight or eighteen.
Chase
“I heard you’re in trouble,” Dani says, startling me when I enter my room.
She’s lying on her stomach, sideways across my bed, like she owns it. Her elbows are on the mattress, her chin nestled on her fist. Her knees bent and her feet up in the air. I could be eight or eighteen. It’s like a moment wrapped in time.
“Not really,” I fib, holding up the pages. “Mom gave me these. They are journal entries from the day I was born. She wants me to read them sometime.”
“Nothing else is going on tonight, right?”
“Nope, and it’s just you and me, if that’s okay.”
“It sounds perfect. Let’s read them.”
She sits up, pretzeling her legs, and I join her on the bed, matching her position, tucking my legs in, and facing her.
What I really want to do is kiss her. Not read some old letters.
I lean in and press my lips against hers. Her lips are soft and sweet, and the light floral scent of the perfume she puts on her neck envelops me.
We kiss for a bit, but before things start to heat up, she pushes back.
“Are you not dying to read them?” she asks, biting the corner of her lip with her teeth.
She has never had a lot of patience. Once she decides to do something, she’s ready to roll. A characteristic she shares with her brother.
“I’m not sure reading them now is a good idea. Mom and I could have died, you know? They might not be that happy. Shouldn’t I be happy on my birthday?”
The tooth slides off her lip, and she presses her lips against my cheek. “Do you want me to read them to you?”
And I feel lost in the moment. Emotions that I’ve tried to push back since that day come flying back. The closeness we shared. The tenderness. The vulnerability.
I nod gratefully. “Yeah, that would be nice.”
“Okay,” she says, squeezing my hand with one of hers and picking up a page in the other. “Here we go.
“Dear Baby Mac,” she says. “Aww, isn’t that cute? You were born three weeks early on September 7th, weighed in at six pounds five ounces, and were nineteen and a half inches long. You were early because you and Mommy got into a car accident, and it caused her to have something called a placental abruption. That’s a bad thing because it meant she was bleeding and you were not getting all the oxygen you needed.” She moves the paper away from her face. “That had to be really scary.”
“I know. And I think it’s going to get worse. I’m pretty sure, based on what I’ve overheard my parents say, that Mom, like, died. Or flatlined. And they had to bring her back.”
“Can you imagine?” Dani says.
“If you were my wife and pregnant with our child?” I offer.
She tilts her head at me. “I know we’ve talked a bit about being friends again. And it was probably stupid of us to sleep together last night—”
“That was not stupid,” I say with a grin, but then I turn serious. “But I know what you mean. We first slept together and felt comfortable doing so because of our friendship.”
“No.” She laughs. “I think that was because we had almost died from the lightning and you looked so hot, dripping wet.”
I can’t help the wide smile that forms on my face.
She gives my shoulder a little shove. “Oh, you like hearing that you’re hot, huh?”
“I would suspect anyone would like to hear that, but”—I point to my mouth—“this beaming grin is because I’m hearing it from you.”
“That’s sweet,” she says, leaning the top of her head against my chest. I bend down and kiss it. “But I guess, if nothing else, sleeping together sort of broke the ice between us.”
“I’ll say,” I tease.
She gives me a steamy kiss and then holds up the papers. “Let’s get through this first, and then we’ll see. Okay, where were we? Oh, yes. When you were born, you were a little blue, and your Apgar score was low. But the nurses took care of you, and the next time they did the score, you were almost perfect. Your mom had a rougher time, and for a while, I thought we had lost her. It was the worst pain I’d ever experienced. Way worse than any of the bones I’d broken. Even the time I fell out of a tree and they had to screw my arm back together. But when you love someone the way I love your mom, you’d happily take physical pain over the emotional kind.”
“That’s how I feel about you,” I blurt out.
I figure I’ll get some crap about it, but she goes, “That goes both ways, Chase. I know we haven’t been as close, but I can’t imagine you not being in my life.”
“But I really haven’t been in your life,” I counter.
“No, but when I look out my window, I see your room, and I know you’re there. College is cool, but I don’t have that view. That connection.”
I nod along with her. “I told you last night that I kept my curtains shut for two weeks. I couldn’t bear to look at your empty room.”
We stare into each other’s eyes for a moment, but then she breaks our gaze and keeps reading.
“She’s in the ICU now. Stable but critical. They say the next twenty-four hours are crucial. And I’ll admit, I’m scared. My parents are here—your grandparents. And Danny. Danny is my best friend, and he’s never left my side through all of this. I hope, someday, you will have a friend like him.” Dani looks up at me, tears in her eyes. “I’d like to think you got a friend like that in me.”
“That is what I had.”
“I want that back for us, Chase. Even if we don’t end up together. I really need you in my life.”
“And I need you,” I reply, gently stroking her arm.
She shakes her head, appearing to rid herself of whatever thoughts she was having, and keeps going.
“Everyone has been asking me what your name is. To be honest, I thought you were going to be a girl. We had agreed on a girl’s name but not a boy’s. But your mom’s favorite was Chase, so I decided on Chase Michael Mackenzie. You have a grandpa and grandma in heaven. And it might sound crazy, but when I was crying in the waiting room, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw your grandpa rocking you. When I turned to see if I was just hallucinating, he was gone. But I’m pretty sure he was there. Helping us get through it. Wow. That’s kind of cool.”
“Or creepy,” I tease.
“So, I gave you his middle name—Michael. I have to admit, I always thought most babies were kinda ugly. But not you. You’re perfect.”
She reaches out and touches my face, her finger tracing across my cheekbone. “I can agree with that sentiment. I’ve always thought you had the most beautiful face.”
“Me?” I say with a laugh.
“Yeah, even as a kid you were cute. And now that you’re all grown-up, damn, Chase. And this morning, I was looking at your modeling portfolio. All those shirtless photos might have had me drooling.”
I reach behind my back and pull my shirt up and over my head, taking it off.
“Hey,” she says.
“What? You want to drool over me, I’d much prefer for it to happen in person. Although maybe no actual drooling. You do that when you sleep. It’s kind of cute, but—”
She smacks my hard bicep. “Chase! I do not drool.”
I kiss the top of her nose. “Oh, but you do.”
“Stop flirting with me, or we’re never going to get through this.”
I pull her up onto my lap. “That’s okay with me.”
She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me. A lot.
But when I slide my tongue in her mouth to deepen the kiss, she pulls back. “Not until we finish.”
I grab her ass and leave my hands there. “You’d better read fast then.”
She lets go of me, slides off my lap, and says, “Chase, this is your life. It’s serious. Don’t you find it interesting? The devastation your father must have felt when he thought he’d lost your mom? When he thought he’d lost you? This is the kind of love most girls dream about. And you’re really lucky that your parents are still crazy about each other. And you.”
I take a cleansing breath, trying to calm myself down. What can I say? Dani gets me so worked up.
“Plus,” she adds, “giving you this today, on your birthday, is really pretty cool.” She looks down again and starts reading. “I’ve been holding you and feeding you until your mom is able to. And staring in wonder at your ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes, and the cute little way you ball your fists up before you start crying. It’s been killing your grandparents, but I won’t let anyone else hold you until she has. She went through a lot to bring you into this world, and she deserves that honor.
“And I’ve been telling you all about her. About how she’s been writing in this journal. About how she couldn’t wait to meet you. About how much she loves you.
“When your mom and I were young, we’d lie in a hammock and stare up at the stars. We’d talk about how infinitely big the universe was and how small we were in comparison. Your mom once told me that she felt small compared to how big our love felt. I didn’t completely understand what she meant that day, but I certainly do now. The love I feel for the two of you is almost overwhelming, like the size of the universe.” Dani looks up at me, tears in her eyes again. “I feel that way about you sometimes. That our love is too much for me right now.”
“I disagree, but I get what you’re saying. We have a lot of life left to live. What if you meet someone you love more? Like at college?” The words tumble out of my mouth, saying all the things I’ve been thinking and stressing over.
What if she meets someone else? What if she falls for someone who is not me? Like, really falls for them. Her dating guys who everyone clearly knew weren’t for her is one thing. Her being with a guy we all like, who respects her and she loves, would be a whole other thing entirely. And I am not sure I could handle it.
“Heard a lot about that in rush. Some girls actually somehow researched the hottest frat guys on campus and then decided which sorority they most wanted in based on their relationship with said frat.”
“Wow, that’s a commitment.” I laugh.
“Yeah, the kind that starts with a Miss and ends up with you having a different last name.”
“Come on, Dani. It’s the twenty-first century. Surely, girls aren’t there just to get their Mrs. Degree.”
“I think some might be hoping to achieve both,” she says with a laugh. “Speaking of married couples—Your mom has a special charm bracelet, and I sent my dad out to buy her a diamond star, so she’ll always know we feel the same way about her. When she wakes up, we’ll give it to her together.
“I love you, Chase Michael Mackenzie, and I know your mommy can’t wait to meet you. And as soon as she finds out you’re a boy, she’ll probably tell me she told me so. Sleep well, my precious baby boy. All my love, Daddy.”
And I will admit, what my dad just said there really gets to me. I remember the days when I called him Daddy and not just Dad. And I know my mom still wears that bracelet every single day. I know I’ve spent my life wanting to get bigger, stronger, older, so I could be better, stronger, faster, but his words have me looking back. At the life my parents have given me. The love.
“Well, one down, one to go,” Dani says, picking up another page. “This one is from your mom. Dear Chase Michael Mackenzie. My perfect, sweet baby boy. We’re still in the hospital. Your dad is taking a nap, and I’ve got your uncle Danny’s football game on, but mostly, I’m watching you sleep in my arms. You’re making the cutest little faces as you dream, and I can’t wait until the day you smile at me for real. I wish my parents were here to see you, but I know for sure that they are watching over us.”
“I can’t imagine having my first baby and not having our parents there, can you?” I say.
Dani shakes her head. “I really can’t. Your mom and I talked a little bit in the Ozarks about when her parents died. How your dad was the one who got her through it all. I felt that way about you when my parents were getting a divorce. I knew if I could hold on to you, hold your hand, my world wouldn’t completely crumble. And I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for that. Seriously, Chase, I don’t know what I would have done.”
“I’m glad I could help,” I say sincerely.
“There’s something I want you to always remember. You and I could have had a very different outcome. We’re both lucky to be alive. I’ll be thankful for every single day I get to spend with you. And something else I know. You are destined for greatness. I don’t know what you’ll do or be, but I know it as surely as I feel my own heartbeat. And I’m going to do everything I can to prepare you for it. All my love, Mommy.”
I look up at Dani. Her face is as emotional as mine.
She leans in and gives me a single sweet kiss. “I’m really glad you and your mom made it through all that, Chase.”
I want to tell her that when she’s in my arms, I’m really glad, too. And I am. But I also realize something else, too. “My mom read a little from the journal before she gave this to me. And she said she wanted me to know that, sometimes, life wouldn’t always go the way I planned it. And sometimes, tragedy could strike when I least expected it. But sometimes, life could be even more incredible than I ever imagined.”
She nods her head. “All the more reason why we need to stop acting like kids over what happened between us, right?”
“Right,” I say, wrapping her in my arms and pulling her into a tight hug.
If I had known.
Devaney
I hold Chase for a long time before I let go.
“I think about that night we got home from the Ozarks. When you took me parking in my new truck. I always wonder if I would have done anything differently that night if I had known.”
“Known what?”
“That it was our last time.”
“But it wasn’t. And now, we’re here. Together. In your bed. On your birthday. And although I’ve already given you your gift—”
“A football signed by the last Super Bowl quarterback, the literal GOAT. That was quite the gift, Dani. Seriously, I’ll treasure it always.”
“I know, and it just turns out that I’m in a giving mood tonight.” I give him what I hope is a seductive grin.
And he must understand because he pounces on me and covers my face with kisses.
