Ishowered alone, and no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn’t seem to feel clean. My life was great one moment and spiraling out of control the next, and I couldn’t find a way to slow it down, let alone stop it. Skin raw, I got out of the shower, disgusted with myself. I dried and dressed like my ass was on fire and got ready to leave the house, storming down the halls toward the front door to fetch my jacket.
I needed to get away, just for a little while. Everything ached. My chest felt like I had burning coals there instead of a heart and lungs, and my solar plexus felt like I’d been sucker-punched. Like Casersis had sucker-punched me. How could he do something that stupid? How could he say he loved me and not trust me to make the right decisions? No matter how much or often I asked him to trust me, to talk to me about things, he still went behind my fucking back and ruined all the progress we’d made.
It pissed me off.
It pissed me off more that I could feel how sorry he was, but also how determined he was to keep his damned feelings locked up to placate me. Goddamnit, I wasn’t a toddler. I could be reasoned with, but Casersis had to lock down his emotions and fucking brood at the slightest hiccup. I got that he used to be a king. Here, he might as well still be a king with all the companies and corporations he owned and operated. He was used to giving orders and getting his way. But that wasn’t how relationships worked. He didn’t seem to understand that.
I wanted a partner, not a jailer or a father.
Did he come after me to talk? Nope. Then again, I did want to be alone for a while. I needed it. If he came at me to talk now, we’d just end up fighting, saying things we didn’t mean, things we couldn’t take back.
This new bond between us was fucking powerful. I didn’t mind it. It was kind of nice. It was nice being able to feel what he felt so that I could call him out on his bullshit when we were in the same room again. The bond also made me feel… whole. But if he was going to do this shit—go behind my back with everything because he didn’t trust me to make the right decisions on my own, allow me to make and fix my own mistakes so I could learn, or because he didn’t think I could be reasoned with—then maybe it was time to refuse him before shit got worse.
Before I didn’t have the strength to refuse him.
Frustrated as fuck, I stormed through the back door and headed straight for the forest. The estate’s walls had started to close in on me, and I wasn’t one to get claustrophobic. But inside, I was starting to suffocate. Was that Casersis that made me feel that way, or just everything that had been dumped on me?
Didn’t matter. All that mattered was putting one foot in front of the other until the trees surrounded me. Only then could I breathe again. I stopped just inside the line of trees and took deep breaths as if I’d just been strangled.
Nothing made sense anymore. My own damned mind sure didn’t make sense. Casersis didn’t, either.
I kept walking. The only concession I would make was I wouldn’t fight if Don or another security guy came to follow me, and I would stick to the estate’s grounds within the wards that Casersis had in place to keep Erastus out. The last thing I needed right now was Erastus showing up and making shit worse. I could handle a lot, but I was almost at my breaking point, and I was afraid of what I’d do if something else went wrong.
The more I walked, the more everything just felt wrong. My connection with the trees felt alien but good. It had grown stronger since I bonded with Casersis. I reached up and fondled my ears, and they felt wrong, too. I was born with rounded, human ears. Now that they were pointed, they felt like they belonged to someone else.
Then there was the fact I had to stay hidden like I was a freak. Like I had some kind of disease. Like I couldn’t be trusted to keep my damned ears covered while I was on a job. Fuck, there were times during construction when I wore ear protection that covered my entire ears, so why couldn’t I just do that? Put the fucking things over the hood of my hoodie.
I wanted freedom—the freedom to go to the places I wanted when I wanted. This desperate need to be close to Casersis, to make sure he was okay, to force him to talk to me when he shut me out… it was driving me insane, and that felt so wrong I was nearly crawling out of my skin.
I was becoming an elf. Jesus fucking Christ. How shitty was that? No matter what I did in life, I couldn’t take this back. It couldn’t be reversed. Did I want it to be?
Fuck. I didn’t even know anymore. But it felt like the farther I progressed into the change from human to elf, the farther away from my parents I grew. Were they even my parents anymore? Would I have any shred of their DNA left to say I was still their son? I was becoming an entirely different fucking species!
I grimaced and glanced around, leaning against the nearest tree that wasn’t surrounded by thick undergrowth. The only thing that didn’t feel wrong was the fact I could feel Casersis through our bond. What the actual fuck? That should be the thing that felt the wrongest, but here I was, glad to have it. Was that part of the bonding? Was that some kind of brain rewiring that happened when the lightning shit electrocuted me? Rewired my brain, so I liked the bond when I shouldn’t? Reprogrammed my mind so that, even as pissed, anxious, and freaked out as I was, I still held on to the fact I could feel Casersis through our bond like a goddamned lifeline?
It didn’t make sense, and the less sense it made, the angrier I got until I turned around and punched the tree.
And then I felt bad because I punched a goddamned tree, and now I worried that the tree could feel it because of this new, weird connection to Mother.
Fuck.
Did I apologize? Was that what an elf would do if he punched a fucking tree?
I wasn’t an elf yet. Christ, what was wrong with me?
I kept walking, fuming because I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t go back because if I saw Casersis now, I was afraid I’d punch him in the face. I couldn’t go back to work because Casersis had Kevin send my letter of resignation. Hell, I couldn’t even go to the city and blow off steam because Kevin and Don would make me go back and talk to Casersis. All I could do was keep walking and hope like fuck I calmed down before it got dark.
How long had I been walking? Glancing up at the sky through the almost bare trees, I sighed. Was it afternoon already? No wonder I was starting to get hungry after that giant breakfast. No wonder I was starting to freeze, even in this thick leather jacket. My legs were like walking on icicles.
Maybe I should be heading back. But then I’d have to deal with Casersis and the thick atmosphere there that made it feel like I was trying to breathe through split pea soup. And if I knew Casersis, he’d clam up again.
What was he doing right now?
From what I could feel over the bond, he was crying. Fucking crying. Damnit. That was the last thing I needed because it made me want to go and make everything better, and I deserved some time to be pissed at everyone and everything.
I was so far inside my head that I almost ignored it when I felt something snap inside me. Almost. Whatever that snap was, it couldn’t be good. I checked the bond again. Had Casersis refused me? But no, I could still feel his grief over the damned thing as if it was my own.
Or was it my own?
Sighing at myself, I kept walking. Whatever that snap was, it didn’t matter. The bond was still there, and I couldn’t do anything about whatever that snap was.
A wave of pain crashed over me, making me stagger against a tree, gasping for air. No. No, no, no. This couldn’t be happening. Not out here. Not again. I already had one episode today! Fuck. Another hit harder, and I fell to my knees. My fucking legs just wouldn’t hold me up. My arms trembled as I tried to push myself back up, but I ended up falling on my face in the moldering leaves and dead grass.
Something whined, and I looked up just in time to see a black wolf change into a man, and Erastus rushed over to me. Hot hands touched my face, and the wolf sighed. “Oh, Dustin.”
“C—cold.”
“You soulbonded with him.” A statement of fact, as if he could see it on my face. I tried to nod but wasn’t certain if I succeeded.
“Come on.” He tried to pick me up, but another wave of pain shot through me, and I clenched my teeth against a scream, and Erastus laid me back on the ground, settling me on my back. “Gods, Dustin. Humans weren’t designed for this kind of bond.”
He stroked my hair, a tender motion at odds with the fury in his still-gold eyes. “He should be ashamed of himself.”
Erastus cursed in a musical-sounding language and laid a hand on my chest as I writhed in pain. “You are shivering.” He glanced back toward the estate and cursed in that beautiful language again. “I need to get you back to the estate.”
I didn’t want to go back to the estate. Not back to that suffocating place. Not yet, even though Casersis promised to knock me out when these crippling episodes hit me. But it didn’t matter. Every time Erastus tried to pick me up to carry me back toward the house, the pain became so unbearable that I couldn’t do anything but scream and thrash. It shot through me like lightning, like I was getting electrocuted by several high-powered sources at once, and nothing would let me die.
“Dustin…” Erastus sighed again, and I watched, distantly fascinated, as he changed back to wolf form and padded over to me. His golden eyes stared into mine, and with such care, he stepped over me, straddled me, and lowered down until his warmth seeped through my jacket and into my core.
My shivering stopped almost immediately. Erastus was large enough that he could cover a good part of my legs, his tail doing its best to lay across one and then the other. His furry face kept looking into mine, worry in his golden gaze, and wasn’t that just all sorts of fucked up? Erastus was worried about me?
Casersis would have kittens.
But maybe he needed this—to see Erastus wasn’t the bad guy he believed.
Or maybe I was wrong, and Erastus had another motive.
Pain lanced through me, shutting my brain down. I panted through it, trying to keep myself from screaming, trying not to pass out. If I passed out, I doubted Erastus would leave, and if Casersis came and found him, all hell would break loose.
And Casersis was coming. I could feel his panic. It added to the pain until my vision whited out. Dark spots danced around in the white void. My ears started ringing.
Shit. This was bad. I couldn’t afford to pass out now.
Erastus whined a low, sweet sound that melted my insides. His warm tongue bathed my face in puppy kisses as if seeing me hurt made him sad, made him want to make me feel better. It made me wonder through the agony haze that clouded my brain, if his mind slid into the wolf when his body did, or if he was still capable of humanoid thought.
He whined again and laid his face next to mine, his fur tickling my cheek, his every breath ending on a soft whine that tore at my heart.
I don’t know how long I was out, but I came back online with Erastus’s whimpers in my ear, his tongue bathing my face. The pain still arced through me, making my body jolt and twitch, making me writhe on the forest floor. Making me scream as if I were being tortured. It didn’t matter what I did, nothing would make the pain go away, and it had my stomach in knots. I arched under him, and Erastus rode it without complaint. My legs came up as I tried to curl into a ball to escape the pain in any way I could, but Erastus never moved. His grunts of pain speared me, and I tried so hard to lay still, but nothing worked.
And Erastus was fucking heavy. But as heavy as he was, I managed to get my hands up and fisted them in his soft fur, unable to let go. I didn’t want him to move because with his weight on me, it helped make me feel centered. It helped make me feel like the pain wouldn’t shatter me, so I’d fly away on the wind, insubstantial except for the waves of electricity that shot through every nerve and cell of my body.
I wished I could pass out again. Fuck this being strong shit. I wanted to die or faint so that I couldn’t feel it anymore. But at least with Erastus there, I wasn’t alone.
A cold wind blew over us, ruffling Erastus’s fur, blowing toward the house. Somehow, it soothed me. It almost felt like a mother’s caress, and I wondered if it was Mother, the sentient planet that Casersis spoke of. Did she feel my pain? Was she trying to comfort me?
It seemed ridiculous, but it made me feel better. It didn’t take away the pain. Instead, it brought a peace to my soul that I couldn’t even fathom.
That peace shattered with Erastus’s yelp and shrill whine as he jerked atop me.
Then I heard it.
Beside Erastus and me, I heard the sound of string tightening over the ringing in my ears as someone reloaded a crossbow.
“Get off him, wolf.”
Casersis. Fuck.
And I had my teeth clenched so hard from the pain that I couldn’t even tell Casersis to stop. I couldn’t unclench my hands from Erastus’s fur. Casersis had shot Erastus. Was about to shoot him again, and I was powerless to do anything.
Another wave of pain shot through me, and I screamed, thrashed under Erastus. My fists tightened in his fur, holding him to me when I wanted to shove him off and tell him to run.
The world tilted, and as my vision went black, all I could hear was the snap of a crossbow firing and the whistle as the bolt flew through the air.
