“Did you guys have a good time?” my mother asks us as Sydney and I walk into the kitchen. It’s already well into the evening and my father must have retired to bed for the night.
My mother and my two sisters are sitting at the dining room table, playing Scrabble as they all sip some wine. Catherine rises to her feet, grabbing a glass for Sydney before she motions for her to take the seat next to her.
Sydney takes the glass from Catherine and thanks her as she walks over to the seat that is pulled out for her. I watch her for a moment as she takes off her coat and hat before sitting down. “It was lovely,” she tells my mother, offering her a warm smile. “I had never been ice skating before, so it was a little nerve-racking.”
A soft chuckle falls from my lips as I drop down into the seat next to Sydney. Catherine gives me a glass of wine, but I don’t touch it as I let it sit in front of me on the table. “She was a little shaky at first, but she got it.”
“Yeah, right,” she snorts before taking a sip from her glass. “If there’s one thing I will never be able to do, it’s skate like you do.”
My mother laughs lightly. “I don’t know if any of us would ever be able to do that. Not when he’s been skating basically since he could walk.”
“Were you and your husband the ones who got Asher into ice hockey?” Sydney asks my mother, glancing at me from the corner of her eye.
“My husband always enjoyed hockey, but that poor man doesn’t have an athletic bone in his body.” My mother laughs, looking up at me. “He was watching hockey one day when Asher was little and he fell in love with the sport as soon as he saw it. Living in Maine, everyone pretty much learns how to ice skate at a young age, but we got him into hockey as soon as he expressed his interest in it and never looked back.”
My mother looks over at me, with nothing but pride shining in her eyes as she stares at me. A smile tugs on the corners of her lips and Lucy makes a gagging sound from her seat next to our mom.
“We get it, Mom.” Lucy rolls her eyes as Catherine bats at her. “Asher is your favorite and always will be. Can we for once not talk about him and damn hockey?”
I look at my sister for a moment, feeling her words like a slap to the face. Lucy is the second oldest and she’s always been the one who was bitter about me playing hockey. I think in a way she felt like she was forgotten, but she was the only one out of all of us that didn’t get involved in any sports or activities. Our parents put as much time and dedication into each kid and the sport we played. It wasn’t my fault Lucy spent most of her time out partying instead.
Sydney looks over at me, her eyes widening slightly as she awkwardly shifts her weight in her seat. Her cheeks are still a pink color from the cold air when we went skating. I shouldn’t have kissed her, but I was so caught up in the moment, it happened before I had the chance to stop it.
Neither of us spoke a word about the moment we shared and I don’t know that we should. She let me buy her hot chocolate after we were done on the ice and it was as if everything was back to normal. Except for the tension that hung heavily in the air between us. It was suffocating, and I know the only way to make it stop is by having a conversation with her.
The very conversation that I refuse to have.
I can’t discuss my feelings with her, not when I’m trying my hardest to ignore them at all costs. Sydney might be one of my closest friends, but she has her own life and I’m not going to disrupt that. I have had dreams of the NHL after college since I was a kid. I can’t get involved with someone else and force them into a demanding life like that.
Even if I want Sydney in my life.
I want more with her and I know that now. But it can never happen. I don’t know what her plans are after graduation but I can’t ask her to sacrifice any of that to live the life as someone who is dating a hockey player. It just wouldn’t work and I would never forgive myself if I made her feel like she had to give something up.
Sydney has her own dreams and I refuse to be the one who comes between her achieving them.
Even if it hurts my heart in the process.
My mother and my sisters finish their game of Scrabble and glasses of wine before they begin to make their way to their respective bedrooms. My sisters are the first to go, both of them finding their husbands in the den watching TV before they head off to sleep. My mother is the last to go, and she stops by Sydney before she disappears from the room.
“Thank you for going skating with him. It’s something we all usually do every year, but I’ve been really struggling with my cold intolerance, so I wasn’t feeling well enough to go this time.”
Sydney stares back at her for a moment, her eyes filled with sympathy as she nods. “It was my pleasure. As annoying as Asher can be, I enjoy spending time with him.”
My mother laughs lightly, pulling Sydney in for a quick hug before coming over to me. Sydney finishes her glass of wine and takes it over to the sink as my mother pulls me in for a hug. “I like her,” she whispers as she pulls away from me. Her eyes bounce back and forth between mine. “I can tell she makes you happy and that makes me happy too.”
I smile back at my mother, feeling the words getting caught in my throat. She isn’t wrong, Sydney does make me happy. She reminds me that there’s more to life than the sport I’ve dedicated all of my time to. And that she’s someone who is worth spending my time with instead of worrying about other shit.
It hurts a little that I can’t tell my mom the truth. I hate that I’m deceiving her in this moment, making her believe this is really real between the two of us. I can tell how much she enjoys Sydney and I hate that I’m going to have to break it to her eventually. She’ll never have to know that all of this was fake, but there’s going to come a time where she’s going to know that Sydney and I aren’t together.
My mother retires to her bedroom for the night and Sydney strolls back over to me. She stops for a moment, tilting her head to the side as she raises an eyebrow at me.
“Is everything okay?” she questions me, her eyes bouncing back and forth between mine as she searches for something that could be amiss.
Recovering from the sadness that momentarily clouded my brain, I offer her a smile and shake my head. “It’s nothing. I’m good.”
Sydney stares at me for a moment, her eyes suspicious as she doesn’t buy me dismissing her, but she doesn’t press the issue. I’m half waiting for her to question me on it more or to call me out on my bullshit, but she doesn’t.
And I’m wondering if she’s afraid to know what was really on my mind in that moment.
“Are you ready to go to bed?” she asks, her voice soft as she nervously shifts her weight on her feet. “I’m pretty exhausted from tonight and if I remember correctly, we’re going to the gardens to see the Christmas lights tomorrow, right?”
A smile touches my lips and I nod. “We have these little Christmas traditions that we usually do as a family.”
“I love it.” She smiles back at me. “My family never had traditions like that and it just shows how close your family really is. That there’s more to Christmas than materialistic things. You are all together because you want to spend the time with one another. It’s a nice reminder of what is actually important during the holidays.”
I feel a crack in my armor, my heart splintering slightly at the sadness in Sydney’s tone. With how humble and down to earth she is, it’s easy to forget the affluent lifestyle she comes from. And it hurts my heart to think about her not having these same traditions. It’s almost as if her family doesn’t view one another as anything of importance.
“I’m really glad you are here with me,” I tell her with nothing but honesty. “I know it was a lot to ask you to come to my brother’s wedding, but I’m glad you came. And that you’re going to be here for Christmas too.”
Sydney smiles back up at me. “Me too,” she whispers, her eyes shining back at me. The scent of her floral perfume invades my senses and I want to feel her warmth against me. I want her soft lips against mine.
But I can’t do that to her.
I need to put some distance between us before I make a fucking mistake.
