Sydney is fucking with my head, with the way she practically stripped in front of me, knowing I couldn’t touch her in that moment. I don’t know what the hell we’re doing here and I don’t even know if I want to stop it at this point.
I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but in this moment, I’m so close to saying fuck it all.
Let’s completely obliterate our friendship and see where the hell this goes.
Dinner is fairly mundane, and that’s to be expected with my family. It feels like the time we spend in the restaurant drags on, especially with Sydney sitting next to me in the booth—her warm thigh pressed against mine the entire time.
I want to take her home and throw her on my bed instead of bothering to go look at the Christmas lights. She’s working her way under my skin and I don’t know if I can possibly shake this feeling she’s brought to life inside me. I’ve never wanted a relationship before, but I can’t seem to get this damn girl out of my head.
As badly as I want to take her home, I know I can’t do that. This is a family tradition we do every single Christmas and one that we’ve been doing since we were all kids. We tried to do it last year, but my mother didn’t last long. She was undergoing her treatment at the time and tried so hard to push through.
She ended up being completely exhausted after only twenty minutes of walking around so we called it quits and went home and watched Christmas movies instead. I could tell at the time that it was breaking her heart. She felt like she was letting us all down and ruining the tradition that we had been doing for years.
And this year, she finally feels up to it. Even if she doesn’t make it the entire time we’re here, this still means the world to her. And my mother is the one person in my life that I will do everything in my power to avoid disappointing.
So, taking Sydney back to my room will have to wait. And I don’t even know if that’s a smart move. With the feelings she’s brought out in me, I know it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. Before we go back to campus, I will have her again. Even if it’s only one last time. I had a small taste of her and it wasn’t enough for me.
We all head to the gardens in our separate cars, Sydney riding with me. She doesn’t bring up her little charade of stripping for me earlier. Instead, she’s cheerful and chatty, talking about how wonderful her time has been with my family. And I would be lying if I said it didn’t make my heart swell.
Even though she’s had a good life with her parents in a financial and materialistic way, she deserves so much more than they ever gave her. And I’m happy to be the one who gets to show her the better parts of life. The important things that will always remain in your mind as a memory, but there are ones that are much more impactful than a Louis Vuitton bag or a pair of Louboutins.
We arrive at the gardens and meet the rest of my family out front. We all head in together and I watch Sydney in awe as her eyes light up at the Christmas tree display at the front entrance. My parents already paid for our tickets in advance, so we all go through the entrance without a hitch.
My sisters walk with their husbands and my father and mother walk behind the four of them, hand in hand. That’s one thing I love about them; the only thing that has given me a small piece of hope for when I eventually settle down. They’ve been married for thirty years and are still in love like when they first started dating.
If I ever do get married, I want a love like what they have.
Sydney walks along beside me, her eyes wide in wonderment as she takes in all of the different displays of Christmas lights. Judging by the look on her face and the different things she’s told me about her childhood, I don’t think she’s ever seen anything like this before.
I can’t help myself as I reach out for her, wrapping my hand around hers. Her palm is warm through her glove as she presses it to mine, lacing our fingers together. She glances at me, her eyes finding mine as a smile plays on her lips.
I love the way she looks right now, bundled up in her puffy winter coat. A white scarf is wrapped around her neck, her long hair spilling down her back with a beanie covering the top of her head. She’s a California girl, but she looks like she belongs in my world.
Lost in a winter wonderland together.
Neither of us say a word as we walk hand in hand through a tunnel of lights. They shift, changing colors to the beat of the holiday music that plays in the background. The entire place is fucking magical and I have no shame whatsoever saying that.
I love being able to share this with Sydney. The different displays of Christmas trees and lights is an experience in itself. We walk through the gardens, separating from my family as they all stop to get some hot chocolate.
Sydney said she didn’t want any and instead wanted to explore the maze of hedges that they have here. All of the bushes are covered with different lights and as we walk through, we find small displays throughout. As we reach the center of the maze, there’s a massive Christmas tree with a sparkling star on the top of it.
“This entire place is amazing,” Sydney says softly as we stand by the tree, both of our heads tilted back as we stare at the twinkling lights. “I’ve never experienced something like this. Like, nowhere close to this at all. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.”
I want to share more than just Christmas with you.
“I’m really glad to be the one to show you all of this,” I tell her with nothing but honesty as I turn to look at her. “Knowing that I get to be here with you has honestly made this holiday the best one I’ve had in a long time.”
Sydney smiles up at me, a shyness creeping over her expression that makes my heart melt. She’s feisty at times and has no problem calling me on my bullshit, but I love this innocent side of her too. Even though we’ve been friends for three years, the shift between us has her acting like she’s shy around me from time to time.
And there’s a part of me that loves this newness between us.
I can’t let my mind go there, though… I can’t entertain thoughts of anything other than friendship between us. Just because her hand is in mine right now doesn’t mean a damn thing. We’re here with my family, and she’s just simply playing the part I asked her to play.
Too bad I’m tired of playing this charade…
