IT HAD BEEN a week since Xara returned to Cadia. Since Delton had said he loved her. With Heires dead and her future thrown into chaos, she didn’t know how to go on. Though lag trading continued as usual, she no longer possessed the drive she had before. Osric had returned to the palace when she arrived and had been keeping up with the business ever since. After she left, Delton had called off the search for Ifer. If her information sources were to be believed, he had returned to Inferno City.
It still seemed like yesterday when he’d said he loved her. A horrible, agonizing yesterday that kept repeating in a loop. What if she said she loved him too? What would her life be like then?
The heartbreaking request she’d made remained in her mind. She didn’t really want to dissolve their marriage but couldn’t imagine another way forward. Though her heart had become an aching lump of flesh ever since she knew she’d done the right thing in turning him away. Any life they had together wouldn’t look like the peaceful, domestic love she’d expected. But it could be so much more—turbulent and raw—the kind of love that forced you to open up your wounds and face them. Would she be able to withstand so much vulnerability?
She’d tried to forget everything that had happened. She’d thrown away the ring he’d given her. But nothing could stop the train of her thoughts.
Osric appeared by her side, sighing at her discontented form. Dressed in brown clothing, his frowning face hovered over hers. “You haven’t been yourself since you returned from Skera.”
She merely nodded her head, too exhausted to come up with an excuse. Osric tiptoed around her, knowing that she was heartbroken. Thankfully, she was spared by a royal servant who stepped forth with a message.
“His Majesty is here to see you.” Osric and Xara’s heads collectively snapped to the right.
“What? Delton is here?” An uneasiness churned in her belly. She wasn’t ready to face him yet.
The servant stepped away to herald Delton’s arrival. Xara stood unwittingly, unable to believe her ears.
A shadow appeared beyond the marble pillars, making her heartbeat escalate. Osric stood still by her side, one hand poised on his sword. She saw everything at once—his deathly black clothes, his shining silver rings, the cropped mass of black hair, his angular features, and those dark blue eyes that punched her straight in the gut. Her lips parted as he took several steps forward, his head held up. Osric moved but she placed her hand over his, stilling him.
“Good evening.” Delton’s deep voice echoed in the hall. His eyes cut to Osric but he didn’t react. “I would like to speak to you. Alone.”
Up close, Xara noticed the shadows under his eyes. His face had acquired a pallor that hadn’t been there before. His beard was overgrown, clearly visible on his angular jaw. However, he still looked regal.
“Osric, please give us a moment.” She found her shaky voice. Osric glared at Delton before leaving them alone. She felt every footstep, bringing her a step closer to another confrontation with Delton.
Her heart wavered when his eyes focused on her. “I didn’t know you were coming. Is it a habit of yours to appear unannounced?” It sounded far too confrontational. So, she lowered her voice and asked, “H-how have you been?”
She shouldn’t ask him that, knowing she was the cause of his misery. But with him so close, the pain radiating off his large body, she couldn’t think. Part of her wanted to throw herself in his arms. But she maintained a safe distance, anticipating his answer instead.
“I have been thinking about you.” His blue eyes were dark. “All the time.”
She did not how to answer him. For the last seven days, she had tried and failed to find a solution to his predicament.
“Was that what you came here to say?” she asked.
“Not entirely,” he admitted. “I’ve been busy over the past week.”
Yes, she knew he’d been busy. Delton had called off the search for Ifer and given orders for Walric’s release.
It had been a vastly unpopular decision. Everyone wanted to know her identity. Even those who supported her secretly wanted to bring her down. Such was Ifer’s life—a life that could exist only in the shadows. Perhaps Delton had been right about that.
“My ministers tell me there might be a way to return Escayton to you. When I married you, we had a power transition ceremony. The law allows a king to peacefully transfer authority to another party. We will have a coronation for the new independent Queen of Escayton, which will be you. Once a tray is signed and the official ceremony is complete, you will have full authority over Escayton. I will no longer own the land and will have no right to naysay your decisions.”
Xara blinked. Whatever she had expected, it hadn’t been that. He had told her that he’d give her everything she wanted but she hadn’t let herself believe it. Delton valued power more than anything else and conquering Escayton had been the greatest achievement of his life. But he was giving it all up so easily. For her.
Xara swallowed the knot in her throat, pushing back the tears that threatened to emerge.
“I have scheduled the ceremony for next week.” He pulled out an ivory card from his pocket and extended it to her. “Your official invite.”
She took the card quietly, not daring to read the contents. Her heart squeezed painfully. But she pushed past the discomfort.
“What of our marriage?”
It was beyond cruel. She knew it the moment he closed his eyes like he’d been stung. Hurting him didn’t carry the sense of victory that she’d expected it would. Then again, she had never expected to fall in love with him when she came up with her plan.
“If you still want to end it, we will. There is no way to undo a royal marriage. However, we could legally end our association. I will have to institute a law sanctioning our divorce. You won’t be expected to carry out official duties or be bound to me. Once the law is instituted, you will be free to marry anyone you choose.”
“In other words, we’d go back to being what we used to be before I got married.”
“Yes. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Yes.” She didn’t thank him.
His hands lingered mid-air. He looked into her eyes, eager to find a thread of hope, but she gave him nothing.
“I’ve had time to think about everything you said that day.” Her heart picked up the pace again, memories rushing to the night she left. “I was wrong. I wanted you to kill Ifer; to erase your past. But I realized that Ifer means more to you than revenge. He’s a part of you, the future you’ve created through your strength. The purpose that you’ve acquired through free will. It is one of the reasons I’m drawn to you. Instead of being defeated by me, you rose from the ashes. Once I got over my bitterness, I saw how admirable that was. I don’t know anyone else who could’ve done it.”
If he kept saying things like that, she might actually start crying. So, she steeled her heart and held up her hand. “What are you trying to say?”
“Ifer isn’t a shadow, a shameful secret that needs to die. I recognize that he will always be a part of you…I don’t want you to think that I’d reject him.” He paused and inhaled deeply. “Should you choose to continue your activities, the law will turn a blind eye to your crimes. As you know, I’ve stopped looking for Ifer and released Walric. He should be back soon. As the ruler of Escayton, you’re free to continue trading lag if that’s what you want. Since I no longer have authority over your decisions, I will not try to stop you. I won’t stand in your way and make it harder to realize your ambitions. Even if Ifer is a shadow, everything that he’s built is real. Including the power that I see in you. How could I try to kill that?”
“That’s generous of you.” Instead of sounding sarcastic, the words came out breathy. Her throat was closing up. If she didn’t get rid of him soon, she’d start crying. “I don’t expect any mercy from you.”
“It’s not mercy. It is support,” he said. “I told you I wanted to do everything in my power to make you happy.”
“Why? We’re going to be separated.”
“I love you. That’s why.” His deep voice reverberated through the room.
Why did he have to be so convincing? Why couldn’t he be fickle and get over her after she’d hurt him? What happened to his vindictive edge?
“W-what are you saying…” Her hands trembled, but the hardness in her eyes remained. “I betrayed you, didn’t I?”
“You did, but I still want to be with you. Even if we’re not married…even if we’re only related by a history of pain and bloodshed, I want you. You won without even trying. Your courage, your generosity, your kindness… you could have anyone’s heart. But I am a selfish bastard. I want you to choose me, with or without a ring. Because I’ve already chosen you. There’s nobody else for me.”
“I…” her voice was stuck in her throat. There was nothing she could say to that. Despite everything she’d done, he’d forgiven her. Even while he was trying to take his land away, he wanted to be with her. It was an awfully doomed match. Her heart fluttered even as she recounted all the reasons this wouldn’t work. She wanted to say yes. She wanted to be with him with no history between them. But could she do that? Could she let her past go? Could she forgive him like he’d forgiven her, accept him without conditions?
She no longer knew. The conflict racking her heart wouldn’t abate despite his confessions.
“I will see you at the ceremony,” she said.
In the end, she couldn’t make up her mind. She couldn’t move past the hurts that kept replaying in her head. She clutched her card tightly as she delivered her parting words. His face fell, the disappointment showing all too clearly. She could feel his heart breaking, his resolve wavering. His eyes were a mix of pain and restraint.
But “I look forward to it.” was all he said.
When he turned to leave, she remembered something. “Wait, I took your carriage when I left. I will return it to you.”
“There’s no need,” he said. “I have already lost my heart to you. What’s one more thing?”
AFTER HE LEFT, Xara deposited herself in the observatory. She didn’t know what else to do. The invitation sat on the table, along with the objects she used to perform magic. But she’d been sitting there idly for two hours, unable to get anything done. All she could think about was his heartbroken face, and how she didn’t want to let him go. Yet, guilt held her back.
The door opened with a creak and Osric emerged. He walked to her side while she hurriedly brushed away her tears.
“King Delton has left,” he began, striding to her chair. “I heard something interesting from our allies. The search for Ifer was suddenly called off and the king sanctioned Walric’s release from prison. Without any charges. Do you know why Delton would do that?” His eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“He found out that I was Ifer.” Her voice lacked energy. “He can’t have the queen thrown in prison now, can he? Ending the search was the most prudent solution.”
“Delton is not a reasonable man. He’s wanted Ifer for ages.”
“Not anymore. We have decided to part ways.”
Osric was surprised at her sudden pronouncement. “But marriages in Inferno cannot be dissolved. Isn’t that why you had to remain married all these years?”
“He has found a way. Delton says he’ll pass a law to make it possible.”
“Why? He stands to gain nothing from the dissolution of your marriage.” Osric’s eyes moved to the ivory card on the table. “What is this?”
Xara grabbed the card before Osric could touch it. She couldn’t bear the thought of him looking at it before she did.
“Delton will return Escayton to me. It was one of the terms of our parting. We’ll have a power transition ceremony next week. Escayton would become an independent country soon. I’ll be the queen and my authority will surpass his. Finally, what I set out to do has been accomplished. Don’t you think we should celebrate?”
The last thing she wanted to do was celebrate. It was a disaster and they both knew it.
Osric didn’t budge. Clearly, he didn’t buy her lies.
“Why would he do that, princess?” His eyes were sharp, demanding an answer. Xara felt her heart constrict, the tears she’d exhausted last night burning up her eye sockets.
Because he loves me.
“Don’t ask me. I don’t know…”
She wasn’t supposed to like Delton so much. Damn him for making her heart flutter with his actions. With each passing day, she regretted her decision. Right now, she was only hanging to it by a thin thread of righteousness.
“I think you do.” Osric didn’t let her sink into solitude.
Xara didn’t see the point in keeping the truth from him. It was too late to change anything.
So, she said in a low voice, “He said he loves me.”
His eyes widened.
“I guessed something went down in Skera but I had no idea…” he exhaled. Xara looked at him, waiting for his harsh retorts. She wanted him to state reasons why Delton was a blaggard who didn’t deserve her forgiveness. But Osric surprised her by asking, “Do you love him?”
It was the same thing Michael had asked her. What difference did the answer make? She was a coward. She couldn’t take risks. With her lies, she’d burned all the bridges and had no idea how to rebuild them. Maybe he’d forgive her if she’d turned him away once but twice was too much.
“I can’t,” she replied, a familiar conflict igniting in her mind. Good and evil, the past and the future, wrong and right…the polarities pulled her mind in the opposite direction until she was tired of thinking. “You know that. There’s too much at stake. I’ve finally accomplished my dream of freedom. Escayton will be mine and Delton and I will be separated at last…I will have my independence and all our hard work would’ve paid off—”
“That isn’t what I asked. What I am asking is if you would love him if so much wasn’t at stake? If you could turn back time and he said that he loved you, could you say it back?”
Yes.
It was an easy answer, if meaningless. And she didn’t even need to turn back time for that.
“I’m not where I was a century ago,” Xara argued. “We’re both different people. I have changed. Love is no longer the only thing I want. If I go back to him now, if I give up Escayton, what kind of person does that make me?”
“Xara, do you remember why we started this?” It was the first time he’d used her given name. “It was because Delton exiled you. You wanted to make him apologize for abandoning you. To regain everything he’d taken from you. He’s given it all back to you. He’s shown you how sorry he is, through actions and words.”
“What are you implying, Osric? Do you think I can just abandon everything I’ve built and be his wife? I thought you hated him.”
“I hated him because of the way he treated you,” Osric said. He’d always stood while she sat, her position as his master crystal clear. However, when he moved closer to her, she wondered if he thought of her as a friend, as his daughter. “I’ve been watching over you since you were a child, Princess Xara. Your father was a good ruler but a terrible father. You grew up without ever knowing a mother’s love, or anybody else’s. I know you hoped that you’d marry someone who would love you as you were. But you married Delton, who showed you no warmth. That is the reason I helped you. I thought you might find your calling in life and in doing so, you might come to love yourself. But it seems that the quest for revenge has made you blind.”
She’d never thought of it that way before. Osric deposited a box in front of her. She immediately recognized the red velvet casing. It was the wedding ring that she’d tried to throw away.
“How did you—’
“Arya found this in your room. I think you should take a look.”
Xara opened the lid and pulled out the golden ring. Even looking at it made her heart break. It was the testament of his love, a symbol of the future they could’ve had. Even if that future was just a fantasy. Xara picked out the ring and held it against the light. She remembered the day he’d given it to her.
Light washed over the ring, and she noticed that something was engraved inside it. Tiny words flowed on the golden surface. Was it the name of the shop? The year? Moving it closer to the light, Xara tried to read. The minute her eyes deciphered the words, she forgot to breathe.
Yours always.
He had gotten those words engraved inside the ring. Long before he’d confessed his love to her. Before she’d turned him away.
Tears sprang unbidden. Everything she’d been holding back burst forth, loud, ugly sobs racking her chest.
If she hadn’t been sitting, she’d have gone weak-kneed. Because all she could do now was stare at the words and read them again and again until they seeped into her brain. It triggered a memory of the question she’d asked him long ago.
“What about you, Delton? Do you belong to me?”
If this wasn’t an answer, she didn’t know what was. Delton wasn’t a man who said things he didn’t mean. In a second, the air shifted from calming to breathtaking. Those weren’t empty words. They were a declaration of his intentions.
Her sobs grew. She really had been stupid, hadn’t she? How had she not noticed how much he loved her? While her misery and resentment had consumed her, he’d silently made his commitment to her real.
It was then that she knew.
She loved him. Without a doubt, she loved him.
And somehow, that was far worse than hating him.
There was no guidebook for loving someone. No way to make sure you’d always do or say the right things. It seemed like such a colossal risk to take. With one word, she could bring both their worlds crashing down.
Osric’s voice was low and gentle when he said, “If we never let ourselves be loved, we will become bitter and resentful people. You cannot carry this pain any longer, Xara. It’ll kill you. Put it down. Let it go.”
“I don’t think I’m ready to take that risk.” Her heart felt like it was breaking. She’d never thought that she was the stubborn one; that she was the one keeping herself from love.
“That isn’t true. You are no longer the person you used to be. You are no longer a weak, unloved princess. You’ve been reborn as Ifer. Delton loves you and you love him. Everything you ever wanted is in the palm of your hand. The question is, will you take it?”
“I don’t know how… I cannot bring myself to forgive him.” Xara said. “There is too much history between us. Do you think I could ever love him without remembering the way he treated me? Every time we disagree, every time we fight, I will remember those awful moments. And I will hate him.”
“You don’t hate him. You never did. I see it in the way you look at him.” Her eyes filled with more tears. Osric’s words hit her deep. “It isn’t Delton you must forgive but yourself.”
“What?”
“You cannot forgive the part of you that longed for his love and was rejected. You were young when you married him, and you’d never known your parents’ love. So, you hung all your hopes on him. But Delton is no more responsible for your happiness than I am. In the end, we must each choose our own path. And it is time you chose yours.”
Xara sank to the floor, feeling the hard ground under her knees. “How can I forgive myself?” she sobbed. “I failed to make the right decisions. I should never have married him, never have let him get to me, never have jumped into the river and tried to end my life…never have fallen in love with him. How stupid can I be?”
Osric sat down next to her as she cried, releasing all the hurt that had existed in her heart for decades. He’d never touched her before but that day, he put an arm over her shoulder, comfortingly.
“We’re all stupid in the face of love. It scares us because of how brilliant it is. We feel undeserving of such beauty, such fulfillment. But in the end, it’s the only thing worth having.”
“I’m scared, Osric…what if things don’t happen the way I want? I don’t think I could live with being hurt again. But this is even worse…this distance…all these lies. I don’t want to go on like this, but I don’t have the power to change…”
“You aren’t weak, Princess Xara. You merely failed to recognize how strong you are. I don’t know anyone who could’ve turned your circumstances into success. This is a decision only you can make. It is time you realized how much you’re capable of.”
His words sparked a thread of courage deep in her heart. It hadn’t been easy to stay hidden all these years; to run the greatest criminal empire on the continent. But she’d done it. Once she set her mind to it, she could do anything. That’s what Ifer had taught her.
“What if he doesn’t want me back?”
“He will. That’s why he was here.”
Xara held the ring inside her palm, feeling the weight of the words engraved inside.
She had yet to give him an answer.
Maybe it was time to take that risk.
