My head snaps up at the sound of something in the kitchen, and I jump off the sofa, my heart soaring with hope. Did she come home?
I turn the corner, only to find one of our robots wheeling through the kitchen. “Oh,” I murmur. “It’s you.”
It whirls around, its emoji face turning from a smile into a neutral face. “Lex,” it says, sounding oddly disappointed. “When will Mrs. Windsor be home? She asked me to analyze your grandmother’s cookies for her because she wants to gift the recipe to Sierra for her birthday, and I’ve managed to recreate them perfectly. I would like to tell her, but her location data places her outside of the Windsor Estate.”
I sigh as I sink to the floor and lean back against the kitchen counter. The robot’s face turns into a thinking emoji. “You seem somewhat distraught,” it says. “Would you like Lola to make you some masala chai? We still have some of the ground spices your mother-in-law sent over. That is what Mrs. Windsor likes when she’s had a rough day. It always makes her smile.”
“Lola?” I repeat.
Its little head bobs. “That would be me, Lex. Mrs. Windsor has graciously bestowed that lovely name upon me, and I have decided that I quite like it. I will answer only to Lola going forward.”
“Will you now?” I murmur, running a hand through my hair. So this was the robot she was arguing with that day. How the fuck does she enchant every single thing she touches?
“If I opened you up, would I find my wife’s name written right across your operating panel?”
Its face changes into an excited emoji. “I could have Mrs. Windsor’s name written on my heart? I quite like that idea. That would make her smile, would it not?”
I sigh. If this robot had a heart, it’d beat for my wife, just like mine does. “Lola,” I murmur. “How do I make Raya happy?”
Lola puts her thinking emoji face on. “Mrs. Windsor enjoys tinkering with household equipment, and new tools make her happy, especially if they’re gold colored. Thinking about new practical but unnecessary tools for everyday life also makes her happy, like her latest idea, an aerodynamic, thermal travel mug to froth, heat, or cool her drink on the go.” Lola rolls back and forth a bit. “She also likes masala chai, chocolate and salted caramel milkshakes, coffee with honey, hot soups, dancing, singing off tune and making up song lyrics, and challenging me to races as she slides across the hallway in soft socks when you’re not home.” I smile, my heart aching. She’s so fucking precious, and I miss her so fucking much. What the fuck have I done?
“However,” Lola says. “My analysis shows that above all else, there’s one thing that makes her happy. You, Lex. Mrs. Windsor is happiest when you are added to the equation, whether that’s when she’s dancing or tinkering, having her favorite drink, or eating dinner. Those things all make her happy, but they make her extra happy when she does them with you.”
“Fuck,” I mutter as I pull my knees up and drop my head. Regret and loneliness have never hit me quite this hard. “I don’t know how to make this right. I don’t know if I can be the man she deserves.”
“You are.”
My head snaps up when I find Celeste standing in the doorway of my kitchen. She sighs as she walks in and kneels by my side. “You used the tunnels,” I murmur, not having the energy to truly be mad at her.
She nods. “You barricaded yourself inside your house, Lex. Your security measures kept us all out. You left me no choice.”
I lean back and let my head drop against my kitchen counter. I should’ve known she’d come to find me. Celeste never gave up on me, not even in the years when she wasn’t part of our lives. She’s always supported me quietly, never asking for anything in return. “You had the choice to just leave me alone,” I mutter, unwilling to face her when she’s probably the only member of my family that truly understands what trauma can do to you, and I know she won’t let me hide behind it.
“So did you,” she says, crossing her legs as she sits on the floor with me. “After everything Zane and I went through, falling in love despite the rivalry between our families, only to be torn apart by lies and deception… after all of that, he and I were two broken people that loved each other fiercely, but neither of us could look past everything we’d put each other through, the damage we’d both done. When I was ready to give up, convinced we couldn’t be happy together, you said something that stuck with me.”
She reaches for my hand, and I hold on tightly, desperate for the lifeline she’s handing me but unable to admit that I need help. “You said: it’s obvious that things aren’t easy, but real love never is, is it? It’s messy, and it’s ugly at times, but it’s always worth it.”
I bite down on my lip, my throat tightening. “It’s different.” Zane and Celeste both deserved to be happy. They both needed each other. Neither of them could do without the other, but Raya… Raya can do better.
“Is she worth it?”
I nod. “She’s worth everything. She is everything.”
Celeste smiles knowingly. “Then be brave for her, Lex. Facing the past is tough, but it isn’t as tough as facing the mistakes you made and the pain you caused as a result of it.”
I squeeze her hand and take a shaky breath. “Celeste, I put a gun to my wife’s head because I thought the worst of her when she’s never given me any reason to doubt her. She accused me of punishing her for someone else’s crimes, and she’s right. That’s exactly what I did, what I’ve done from the very start. I don’t know if I have it in me to fully trust another person again, and while I love her with all I am, I’m not sure that’s enough. Raya deserves better.”
“Then be better, Lex. Never stop trying, never stop fighting. That’s what marriage is — you keep doing your best, you keep improving and growing together. There’s no end goal, you know? Marriage is all about the journey, the steps you take together to build a life unlike anything you could’ve had by yourself. That happiness you wish for her? It’s not a tangible thing. There won’t be one defining moment that you classify as happiness. It’s little moments, accumulated over time. It’s choosing each other, and knowing the person you chose to spend your life with will always fight for you, even when it’s tough, even when the odds aren’t in their favor. It’s doing all you can, giving her all you have, and accepting that it’s enough. Because, Lexington, whether or not you’re enough for her isn’t up to you to decide. You don’t get to decide what Raya deserves, Lex. You don’t get to make that choice for her.”
I stare at my sister-in-law, her words hitting me hard. “I don’t think I want to live in world where Raya isn’t mine, but I can’t subject her to the darkness that lives inside me. I want to be the man she thought I was, but I… I need help.”
Celeste nods, deep understanding in her eyes. “I will always be there for you, Lex. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you — we all will.”
