I’m asphyxiating on air by the time I reach Rei’s house.
The architecture is modern and the building is two stories with an attic. At least they were mindful of security since they chose a property that’s surrounded by tall, solid walls. Even their garage is inside the wall.
And when I say they were mindful of security, I meant I convinced them to buy something like this, because even seven years ago, I was sort of prepared for something like this to happen.
It’s the second time I’ve been here. It should be weird that I’m visiting my sister’s house for only the second time since she got married seven years ago, but for me, it was a perfectly normal decision.
I didn’t want to come before in case Kirill, Damien, or Mikhail had someone following me around. I didn’t trust that they wouldn’t find and hurt her.
But now, it’s over. Now, Kirill knows, and he won’t stop until I either fulfill his callous demands or he hurts my sister.
The sister I promised Mom I would protect with my life if I had to. Reina is the last connection I have to Mom and Dad. She’s one of the few people who make me feel as if I have a purpose in life.
Ruslan and Katia stand on either side of me as I hit the doorbell. Everything I did to protect her and her family doesn’t matter now that Kirill is on the hunt for their lives.
I need to get them out of here, send them somewhere and—
The door opens, my mouth agape with it. The person standing in front of me is the last one I expected to find here.
Kyle.
What the…
He’s nonchalantly carrying little Gareth on his shoulders. My nephew giggles, showing his missing teeth as he runs his toy car through my husband’s hair.
“What…what are you doing here?” I sound as confused as I feel.
“I’m paying Reina and Asher a visit.” His expression is as blank as his voice.
Why do I hate that so much? Kyle might have been away before, but whenever he’s with me, I’m always the only one on his mind.
Ever since yesterday, I feel like he’s slipping from between my fingers and, eventually, he’ll disappear all over again.
“Auntie!” Gareth exclaims, waving his toy in the air.
“Hey, baby boy.” I try to take him from Kyle’s hold, but he lifts his shoulders and holds on to Kyle’s neck.
“You know me now, Auntie?” he pouts.
“I do. I’m so sorry for yesterday, Gareth. I was tired and thought you were someone else.”
“It’s okay. Mommy said aunties forget sometimes.”
“Rai!” My sister’s exclamation reaches me first before she attacks me in a bear hug. “I missed you so much.”
I wrap my arms around her as I push her inside, nodding over my shoulder at Ruslan and Katia to stand guard outside before I close the door.
Reina steps back to stare at me as if it’s been years since we last met. She’s wearing simple slim jeans and a tight blue tank top. Her hair falls loose to her shoulders, and her makeup is light but striking. She was always the beauty queen between the two of us. Ex-high school cheerleader, prom queen, and somewhat mean girl of her school.
If we’d gone to school together, I would’ve probably been the quiet twin who kicked everyone who dared to approach her. But I guess Asher fulfilled that role on my behalf.
She smiles, and it strangely feels as if I’m staring at myself in the mirror, though my smile isn’t as bright as hers, or as carefree.
“Kyle was right.”
“About what?” My gaze strays from her to him. He doesn’t even make eye contact, pretending to be busy with Gareth, and when he does, it’s as blank as his soul.
The asshole.
“He said you’d come to visit us today, but I didn’t believe him.” She strokes my cheek. “But here you are. You look so…different.”
“I’m still me, Rei.” I keep stealing glances at Kyle. How did he know I would be coming here before I even did it?
“Like hell you are.” Her smile drops and she adopts a stern tone that’s so similar to Mom’s. “Don’t you have something to tell me?”
“Like what?”
She grabs my hand and shoves the one with my wedding ring in my face.
“Oh.”
“Right. Oh. I can’t believe you got married without telling me.” Her voice drops. “I was planning so many things for your wedding, but I wasn’t even invited.”
Shit.
I hate seeing her anguished like this. It feels as if I’m amputating a limb or something. I hold her to my side by the shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Rei. Everyone was there and I couldn’t endanger your life.” Her brows stay drawn together, not seeming convinced in the least, so I continue, “Your absence was like having an empty hole in my chest, but I couldn’t bring you in. Not when your life, Gareth’s, and Asher’s are at stake.”
That makes her wrap an arm around my waist. “I know, but it still sucks.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t fix the fact that you hid it from me.” She pushes back. “I can try to understand not being invited, but we talk all the time—how come you never mentioned it? If Kyle hadn’t come to visit, would you have ever told me?”
I glare at him. The jerk is meddling in business that doesn’t concern him.
His expression remains the same, and even though he’s playing with Gareth, he’s barely smiling.
“It was an arranged marriage. I didn’t think it would last,” I tell Reina. “I still don’t.”
If I expected a reaction from Kyle, I’m disappointed as he gives none, indulging Gareth by letting him run the toy car on his chest.
“But why?” Reina’s brows furrow. “Kyle seems like a great guy. He was the guard who was protecting you seven years ago, right?”
Of course Reina would remember stupid details like that.
“Let’s talk somewhere else.” I take her by the hand. “I came here for something urgent.”
Kyle brings out his phone and types while his other hand holds Gareth. My phone vibrates and I check it while still holding Reina’s hand.
Kyle: Don’t alarm her for no reason. I already took care of the man Kirill sent to plant something in the house. Don’t tell her to pack and leave because that will only put her in more danger. You can protect her better when you know where she is at all times.
I hate how right he is. Besides, knowing Reina, she’ll also think I’m the one in danger and wouldn’t budge from here, not to mention both her and Asher’s lives are here. All their friends and her entire social circle are in this place.
Typing back, I don’t look at him.
Rai: How did you know about this?
Kyle: Adrian told me about Kirill’s plans. He owes me one.
“Rai, what is it?” Reina tugs on my hand.
“Nothing.” I breathe out and smile. “Can’t I visit my little sister?”
She grins. “About time you come to visit. Let me show you around.”
Reina tells me about the renovations they did and how the fireplace is upgraded from the one I saw the last time I came here, which was years ago, as Reina likes to remind me.
We find Asher in the kitchen, picking beers, probably for him and Kyle. He smiles upon seeing me, and although he’s in simple gray slacks and a white T-shirt, he appears groomed and ready to step into court any minute.
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” I say.
“Don’t worry about it.” He offers me a beer. “Like you, I don’t want my son near that crowd.”
Although he doesn’t say it in a condescending manner, I know exactly what he means. Asher was brought up by one of the most successful lawyers in the country, and while he’s not the morality police, he’s not entirely comfortable with Reina’s criminal legacy. He just wants to live a normal life with his family, and I completely respect that.
“Thanks.” I motion at the beer. “But I’m not drinking.”
“Rai!” Reina grips me by the arm. “Are you—”
I place a hand on her mouth and drag her with me. “Excuse us.”
Asher smiles knowingly. “Take your time.”
As soon as we’re in an adjacent dining room and out of earshot, I let Reina remove my hand from her mouth.
She stands in front of me, placing a hand on her hip and tapping her foot on the ground. She really acts like Mom sometimes.
“Spill, Rai.”
“What?” I feign innocence.
“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
“What gave you that idea?”
“Thanks, but I’m not drinking.” She mimics the tone I used.
“Only that?”
“That’s the exact same line I told Asher as soon as I found out I was pregnant with Gareth. Also, you’re all radiant—your skin is glowing and your hair is shinier. That’s what’s different about you.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“No, I’m not. You also look at Kyle as if you want to ride him standing. I did that during my first trimester. The position isn’t exactly comfy, but it’s fucking hot.”
“Too much information, Rei.”
“Stop being a prude.”
“I’m not a prude. I just don’t like talking about these things aloud.”
“Which is the definition of a prude. So am I right or am I right?”
I can never win with her, so I sigh. “Yeah, fine, I’m pregnant.”
She squeals, jumping up and down like when she won whenever Mom played hide and seek with us. I guess Reina kept more of her child self than I did. That part of me died when I realized what it meant to be part of the brotherhood—that if I don’t kill, I’ll be killed.
“I’m not keeping it,” I say, low enough that I’m almost sure she didn’t hear me.
But Reina stops jumping, her expression more worried than judgmental. “Why?”
“Because…I just can’t bring a child into the world I live in.”
“What are you talking about? At this rate, you’re just wasting your life away.”
“I’m not wasting my life away. I’m building it. There’s a difference.”
“Okay, fine. But answer one question.”
“What?”
“Do you want children?”
“I…don’t know.”
“Have you ever thought about motherhood? About Mom?”
“I think about her all the time.” I clear my throat when my voice catches. “But I won’t be her, Reina. I will not give birth to children knowing full well they will suffer in the crime world.”
“Did you suffer?”
“No, but that’s because I had Dedushka.”
“And your child will have you and Kyle and his badass auntie, too. Ash and I started taking Muay Thai classes and we can totally kick ass.” She steps back to show me a pose, and I smile a little. “So before you make any decisions, just think about it, okay?”
“I have, and my decision is final.”
“Is Kyle fine with it?”
“No, but his opinion doesn’t matter.”
“He’s the father, Rai.”
“And this is my body. He had no right to plant his seed in there without my permission.” My voice rises and I breathe through my nostrils to calm down. “I didn’t ask for this. I’m not…I’m not fit to be a mother. I’m not you or Mom, Rei. What…would happen to my child if I somehow died? Huh? And Kyle? That bastard’s lifestyle is even more dangerous than mine. Sooner or later, he’ll leave, whether by choice or by a bullet. And then what? How am I supposed to carry that weight on my own?”
“Why can’t you?” She rubs my arm. “You’re the strongest person I know, Rai. You’ve been my hero since the moment you stepped in front of Ivan and said, ‘I’m Rai Sokolov.’ I was trembling in the corner like a stray kitten in the rain, but you didn’t falter or look back. You took my place without hesitation and gave me your comfy life. You saved me, Rai, in more ways than one and continue to do so sixteen years later. Why would you doubt your motherly skills when you’ve had them since we were kids?
“Besides…” She wipes the tear that slides down my cheek. “We’ll all die one day, so it’s pointless to use that as an excuse. You’re just scared, and it’s fine. I was constantly afraid of what type of mother I’d be. I still doubt myself sometimes, but Ash and I hold each other through it all. It’s like one of us would fall without the other. Gareth is the best gift I could’ve ever gotten. So I don’t want you to make rash decisions without thinking clearly about it. That being said, if you still want to abort, I’ll be right there, holding your hand through it.”
“Reina…”
“Come here, big sis.” She hugs me, and I close my eyes as I let her warmth envelop me. “Although, five minutes is too unfair. I should’ve come out first.”
I chuckle, pulling away to stroke her hair. “I feel so much better after talking to you.”
“That’s what twins are for—though you’re losing your privileges after you hid your marriage from me.”
“Rei…”
“Fine, fine. You were protecting me and whatever.”
“I would do anything to make sure you’re safe.”
“I have no doubt, but don’t cut me out of your life. I hate that.”
“I’ll try to be more present.”
“As you should. Now, tell me all about you and Kyle.”
A deep sigh heaves out of my lungs. “There’s nothing to tell.”
“What do you mean there’s nothing to tell? There’s so much tension between you two that it can be cut through with a knife.”
“Have you seen the way he looks at me?”
“Like he wants to hate-fuck you, then slowly fuck you?”
“No, like he’s erasing me.”
She stares at me incredulously. “Whoa. You’re hopeless.”
“What?”
“You’re such a great judge of character in mafia things, but you suck in the affection department, Rai.”
“What is that supposed to mean? He really looks like he doesn’t care.”
“No, he doesn’t. He just seems a bit heartbroken.”
“Because I said I would abort the baby that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t switched my birth control pills. Who between us should be heartbroken?”
“He did that?” she murmurs.
“Yes, so how about you go give him some lessons about communication?”
“That’s such a dick move.”
“Say it again for the people in the back.”
“He must’ve really wanted the baby.”
“Why would he?”
“You’re the one who’s supposed to know the answer to that question. He’s your husband, after all.”
“Don’t you think I thought about it? But I keep drawing a blank. His type shouldn’t even want a family.”
“Why not? Even the most heartless people want families.”
“Not him, Rei…” I trail off as his words about his family’s death hit me.
He saw his own parents being murdered when he was only five. His only family since then were assassins who turned him into a killing machine. He’s never actually had a family. Could that be why he yearns for one of his own?
I never thought about it from that angle. Not that it excuses what he did, but it at least somewhat explains his behavior.
“Just talk to him,” Reina urges. “Without your walls up.”
“My walls aren’t up.”
“There—they just went up now. Try not to be defensive.”
“But he’s the one in the wrong.”
“He is, there’s no doubt about it. But is the murderous tension how you want it to be for the rest of your lives? Because the lack of communication can turn toxic way too fast. Ask me how I know.”
I rub her arm, recalling how she told me all about her history with Asher. “But you’re here now and Asher proved he deserves you.”
“Kyle didn’t?”
“Not really.”
“And fucking with your birth control pills doesn’t get him any brownie points either.”
“Tell me about it.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “Sometimes, I feel like he’s so close, and other times it’s like he’s a shadow I can never grab a hold of. I thought I was okay with it at the beginning, but I’m far from okay now, Reina. I feel like I’m on a constant rollercoaster ride with no room to catch my breath. How can I trust him now?”
“Talk it out, Rai.” She softens her tone. “It’s the only way for you to move forward.”
I nod even though I have no freaking clue how I should start that type of ‘talk’.
Reina interlinks her hand in my arm. “Come on, spend some time with Gareth. He came to me crying yesterday when he thought an alien took his auntie.”
“Sorry about that.”
“Apologize to the little guy, not me. If you let him play with you all day, he’ll probably forgive you.”
We head to the living room and find Gareth holding a bamboo sword and riding Kyle as if he’s a horse. He shouts as he fights the evil monster who is Asher.
My heart clenches at the sight. It’s the first time I’ve seen Kyle so carefree and smiling without calculation.
It’s a miracle that he can smile like that after witnessing the monstrous deaths of his parents. It’s even more miraculous that he can be so open with a kid.
I don’t know why I feel like something’s moving in my chest at the view.
“Look at them.” Reina’s voice is filled with awe. “Gareth doesn’t like people so easily, but he’s already making Kyle his horse. He watched Tangled the other day and the horse is his favorite character, so not anyone can be his horse.”
“Kyle has a way of charming people. Seems that not even kids are immune.”
Reina smirks, flipping her hair. “Are you telling me that or are you talking to yourself?”
“Shut up.” I hit her shoulder with mine and she returns the gesture.
I missed her so much.
We spend almost the entire day with Reina, Asher, and Gareth. My twin sister won’t let me leave, saying she only sees me once in a blue moon and that it’s the weekend anyway, so I should rest.
I invite Ruslan and Katia to eat lunch with us, but they won’t leave their guarding spots, not even when I order them to. So I just get them takeout.
Kyle and Asher spend most of the time playing with Gareth or watching TV together. Before I know it, we’re all sitting down for a late dinner after Gareth passed out on the couch.
Reina goes to carry him to bed, but Asher gently pushes her aside.
“I can carry him,” she argues.
“I know you can, but he’s gotten so big, so I’ll do it.”
She tries to protest, but Asher places a kiss on her forehead, making her go speechless.
My twin sister joins us in the dining room. She went all out and even prepared a Russian soup.
“Since when do you know how to cook?” I ask.
“I took classes. Why?” She turns to Kyle, who’s sitting silently by my side. “Is she still a hopeless cook?”
“More or less.”
“Hey! I prepared you those pancakes and toast that time.”
“Burnt pancakes and toast.”
“You ate them.”
“I had no choice. The non-burnt parts weren’t so bad.” He takes a sip of the soup, still not meeting my gaze.
Reina stares between us and motions at him. I make a face at her, but that only widens her grin.
Asher joins us after he places Gareth in his room.
“Did he wake up?” Reina asks.
“He didn’t even stir. He played too much for his own good.” Asher places a hand around Reina’s shoulder and leans in to kiss the top of her forehead before he sits down.
I’ve always loved the way he looks at her like she’s the center of his world and everything else is an accessory. Like the world is gray and she’s the only one in color.
Lowering my head, I dig into my soup to avoid watching them like a creep. I startle when my eyes meet Kyle’s inquisitive ones. He’s been watching me. But why?
He pours himself a glass of wine and finishes half of it in one go.
“Where in the United Kingdom are you from?” Asher asks him. “London?”
“Yes. I lived there for most of my life, but I’m originally from Ireland.”
“You don’t sound Irish.” Reina removes the fish bones and places the clean ones on my plate as if I’m a kid.
“I was raised by an Englishman, thus the accent.”
“Asher lived in England for three years.” Reina’s voice drops with clear sadness. “He went to college there.”
Her husband grabs her hand over the table and strokes the back of it as he speaks. “Yeah, that’s why I asked. I have a few English friends and they’re famous assholes.”
“Really?” Kyle finishes his glass of wine and pours another. “Who?”
“Aiden King and Cole Nash.”
“The heirs to the King and Nash fortunes.”
“You know them?”
“Everyone in England does. Their companies are everywhere like cockroaches.” Kyle continues sipping from his wine, or more like gulping it down. “I have a personal acquaintance with Aiden’s father, Jonathan King.”
“What type of acquaintance?” Reina asks.
“It’s not the type to be brought up at family dinners.”
“I know what you do, Kyle.” She stares between the both of us. “This is a judgment-free zone. I accept my sister and her other half the way they are.”
Kyle scoffs at ‘the other half’ part, and I pinch his thigh under the table. He grabs my hand and gently pushes it away from his pants. My heart thuds as something hard and heavy clinks to the bottom of my stomach.
It’s the first time Kyle has rejected my touch. Usually, he would be the one all over me, teasing and making me squirm at Sergei’s dining table, and I’d be the one pushing him away.
What happened just now?
“Rai!”
“Huh?” I stare up at Reina, unable to focus. “Did you say something?”
“I was asking if you want a soda.”
“I’m good.” My gaze trails to Kyle, who’s downing his third glass. I lean in to whisper, “You’ll get drunk.”
“So?”
“You…don’t like being drunk.” He told me that once, said he rarely allows himself more than a glass because being drunk distorts his thought process.
“Maybe I do.” He barely spares me a glance as he pours himself another glass.
By the end of the evening, he’s well and truly drunk. Ruslan and Asher have to help me carry him to the back of the car.
I hug Reina, who came out to see us off. “I’m going to put guards on you for the next couple of days, so please don’t say no. It’ll make me feel at ease.”
“And you’ll visit more often?”
“I will.”
“Fine.” Then she whispers, “Remember, talk about it. I almost lost Ash because we didn’t sit down and talk, so don’t repeat my mistake, Rai.”
I rub her back once before I let her go, and get into the back seat. I wave at Reina, and she waves back as Asher spoons her from behind, removing his sweater and wrapping it around her shoulders.
Ruslan stays with them as guard, which reminds me to ask Sergei to send a few more to Reina’s side. He always wanted to put guards on her, but I respected her wishes of wanting to live a normal life.
As the car moves, I stare at Kyle, who’s passed out beside me. His head is slung back on the leather seat and his lips are slightly parted. The first two buttons of his shirt are open, revealing his taut skin and his lean, muscular build.
Was he always this attractive, or am I just too drunk on him as he is on wine?
I’m mad at him, I am, but I can’t resist it as I reach out a tentative hand and palm his cheek. My touch is soft, experimental. I’ve never actually touched him to my heart’s content before. It’s always felt as if he’s the one who does that and I needn’t do anything.
His head tilts until it falls on my shoulder. I suck in a deep breath, but all I manage to inhale into my lungs is his masculine scent mixed with the wine.
He wraps an arm around my waist, and tingles erupt under my skin. I slowly close my eyes, taking in the sensation. Why does it feel so good to be in his hold? It’s not even about sex. I just love being in his arms like this.
“Straight home, miss?” Katia asks from the driver’s seat.
“Yeah,” I say without opening my eyes.
“Since you weren’t able to do what you planned for the afternoon, should I clear your schedule for tomorrow?”
“No, not yet.”
I think I must fall asleep, because the next time I open my eyes, Katia is calling my name.
Kyle untangles himself from around me, and I try to ignore the loss. I expected that Katia would have to help me carry him upstairs, but he staggers on his own.
“Get some rest,” I tell her and follow him.
I try to hold his arm to keep him standing, but he pulls it from mine.
That’s the second time he’s done that tonight, and I can’t control the lash of my tongue. “I’m just trying to help you.”
“I don’t need your help,” he slurs.
“Well, excuse me for trying.”
I stomp ahead of him toward the room and throw my bag on the bed as soon as I’m inside. My blood is boiling as I remain standing in front of the mattress.
I don’t move until I hear the click of the door behind me.
His quiet voice fills the room soon after. “Is having a child with me such a tragedy?”
